July 19, 2017

Ernest Goes to Camp

To listen/download, click here!

Once again, the battle between Derek and Larry to destroy each other's will to live with a soul-crushingly stupid movie escalates, and this time poor Jake is present to witness the horror of Larry's selection, Ernest Goes to Hell...er, Camp. We meant Ernest Goes to Camp.

Larry: "Here, eat this shit."
Derek: "No!"
In this 1987 "classic", Jim Varney's "lovable" Ernest P. Worrell is the janitor at Kamp Kikakee, a kids' camp where today's (well, 1987's "today") kids learn valuable skills like first aid, building Native American items like teepees and kayaks, and the many uses of explosives. Ernest's big goal is to become a camp counselor, so he can stop rooting around in toilets, as well as be justified in hanging around young boys without all those pesky policemen asking so many questions.

Working along with him at the camp are Nurse St. Cloud (Victoria Racimo), Chef Jake (Gallard Sartain), Chef Eddie (Daniel Butler), camp owner Mr. Tipton (Larry Black), and Nurse St. Cloud's grandfather, Chief St. Cloud (Iron Eyes Cody, who, it turns out, is actually Italian).

Ernest s tasked with picking up a group ne'er-do-wells from the local juvenile detention center as part of a "Second Chance" program, and they immediately put his and their own lives in danger, not to mention countless others on the road, when they cover his eyes while he's driving a fucking bus.

Rather than sending him flying into a blood-fueled rage that ends with numerous mini-thugs dead on the school bus floor and Ernest being led away in handcuffs, he finds it endearing and quickly becomes friends with them.

Every one of them looks like the would be proud of their appearance on COPS.
Once they reach the camp, things do not improve. The other camp members (including Richard Speight, Jr. and his chin) don't care the cast of Grease, Jr., and start fighting with them the instant they come to the camp's cafeteria, resulting in a tray fight (that's a thing, right?), and Ernest getting his face cartoonishly imprinted into one of those trays.

As punishment for fighting, the young hoodlums are forced to dig a trench, Cool Hand Luke-style, and then told to go swim to bathe themselves. When one of the lifeguards (Eddy Schumacher as Stennis) throws Moose (Hakeem Abdul-Samad), the smallest of the group, into the water despite his insistence that he can't swim, the others push him and his lifeguard chair into the lake, and Stennis ends up with a broken leg.

Ernest runs to the boys' defense, and is assigned as their counselor, achieving his dream, at last. Sort of. He takes them on a nature walk, and is attacked by a badger, and the boys give him first aid, wrapping him head-to-toe in Ace bandages, only to tie the end to the bus and unwrap him in what one can only assume was supposed to be a humorous manner. Really, it just makes the view sad and kind of achy.

Or, in the case of Eddie and Jake, somewhat aroused.
Meanwhile, an evil strip mining company owner (is there any other kind?) named Sherman Krader (John Vernon) is struggling to get Chief St. Cloud to sell off the land the camp is situated on, because it has a valuable mineral (Bolognium? Redherringum? Bullshitium?) that, as an evil guy, he totally needs to get at. Also, screw a bunch of kids learning and stuff.

Krader and his guys try and try to get the Chief to sign over the deed to the land, but he's having no part of it. Until Ernest the idiot steps in to completely mess up everything, as he is wont to do.

No, really...The whole "rape of the land" section is just lawyer-speak.
The Chief, foolishly believing Ernest is not a complete idiot, despite the mountains of proof showing otherwise, signs the contract, giving Krader the property. Krader immediately tells the camp to get the hell off his land, and he sends a crew of construction guys, led by foreman Bronc Stinson (Lyle Alzado). When Ernest confronts Bronc, he gets a thorough beatdown. Like, a should-not-be-in-a-PG-rated-kids'-movie beatdown. It's ugly.

Worse than the beating Sonny gave Carlo in The Godfather.
after being treated by Nurse St. Cloud, Ernest goes back to his cabin to pack and sings a goddamn song to his turtle, because the viewer hasn't suffered enough already. The kids show up and stop him, thankfully, and tell him they don't want to give up yet, and they formulate an A-Team-esque plan to convert the school bus into an engine of murder and destroy the construction crew's equipment and stop them destroying the camp.

And die in a mist of disintegrated flesh and bone by doing stupid things.
Will Ernest and his ragtag crew of delinquents stop Krader and his crew? Will Jake and Eddie ever find the perfect ingredient to make the elusive Eggs Erroneous recipe that we probably should have mentioned earlier? Will this movie ever end?!? You'll have to listen to find out! (Or, if you have way too much joy in your life, watch the movie.)

Larry picked this because, not only did he want to hurt Derek, but he also actually likes this movie. He is, however, fully willing to admit that it is stupid, but he feels that it's a fair trade-off. He is wrong.

Derek didn't like it, but he has certainly seen worse. His biggest issue with the movie is that, although it is only rated PG, it is surprisingly violent, and he is certain that numerous basically innocent people were killed by Ernest and his evil minions.

Jake fell somewhere between the others. He chalks it up mostly to nostalgia, and is willing to give the stunning amount of super-violent scenes a miss because, according to him, the 80s were a different time.

So dust off that denim vest, hit yourself in the face numerous times with a metal shovel, and enjoy this week's episode! KnowhutImean?

July 18, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

It's been a crazy week, what with e-mails and meetings with foreign adversaries and Angry Orange listening to a marching band play a Daft Punk medley and whatnot, so I just want to tell you that this week's GIFs are all about LEGO™!

Benny is happy to be here.
Now let's get going!


World leaders got together this past week to party hard and shun the current lunkhead squatting in the White House, but there was one guy who was all about having a little private time with him...

Angry Orange met with Rootin' Tootin' Putin for over two hours, with only translators and maybe one or two others in the room. What, if anything, did they talk about? Nobody knows, because neither of them is telling. And all those slurping noises heard through the door? Probably just the sound of Angry Orange enjoying two scoops of ice cream...

Later, during the actual summit itself, Angry Orange got up from his seat to...I dunno...maybe find out where Chris Christi is with his KFC...sweatshop enthusiast Ivanka sat down to take his place.

Naturally, this caused quite an uproar because, as almost everyone on Earth pointed out, she is not even remotely qualified to be an adviser to her father, so there is no way in hell she should be sitting at the table with world leaders.

He speaks for all of us.
But Ivanka wasn't the only one of Angry Orange's kids to take heat last week.

Donald Trump, Jr. was in the spotlight because the rumor mill produced information about a meeting last summer where he, his brother-in-law Jared Kushner, and Paul Manafort met with a Russian lawyer who claimed to have some dirt on Hillary Clinton. Don, Jr., wanting to impress Daddy, immediately jumped at the chance to get that info, but the whole thing turned out to be a bust because, according to witnesses (at least, the ones who have been identified), the lawyer only wanted to complain about sanctions against adopting Russian children here in the U.S. The meeting was considered a bust, and nobody said anything about it to, say, somebody at the CIA or the FBI. Or mentioned it on the security forms after the election, which, it turns out, is illegal.

The New York Times managed to get their hands on Don, Jr.'s emails with the guy who set up the meeting, and they were set to publish them. Don, Jr. decided that it would probably look better if he produced the emails himself beforehand. (By about thirty minutes.) Unfortunately for him, that still doesn't clear him, Manafort or Kushner for lying on their clearance forms. I smell potential charges of collusion!

Republicans trying to distance themselves from Angry Orange.
Needless to say, Angry Orange's trip, and his idiot children doing stupid things has not exactly put him in the best light for other countries. Case in point, here's an Australian reporter saying things about him.

Credit where it's due...That was the most polite-sounding takedown I've ever heard. If it had been me, there would have been a lot more cursing.

But take heart, Dear Reader, because the angry voices are getting louder. And more official.

It will probably fail because the GOP refuses to give Angry Orange the boot when they still have so many terrible ideas to implement, but it's a start.

He dodged that bullet...for now...
As for myself, I started a new project (which is why I've been late posting these the past two weeks).

And I saw the most depressing tableau ever.

My life, while not always filled with excitement, still manages to never be boring.

But I don't want it to be filled with excitement!
And then there were tweets. The people of Twitter had a good week, as they usually do, and I went in, with no regard for my own safety, and grabbed a handful of those tweets to put in front of your face. So let's have a look, shall we? In no particular order...

And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week. And to help it along, I offer not some funny video I found on YouTube. Instead, I offer this tweet from Paul F. Tompkins, who appears to have discovered the song of the year. Bask in its glory.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

July 12, 2017

Harbinger Down

To listen or download, click here!

Well, after almost a month, the guys finally all got together to watch a movie that was a big "suck it" it the people who made the most recent version of The Thing.

See, it turns out that a practical effects house had been hired to do the special effects for that movie, and they did. They put a ton of work into their creepy creations. And then, when the movie was release, it turned out that all of those nifty critters and assorted other effects were replaced with CGI.

Now, it has been established with the guys that they have no problem with CGI effects, especially when done really well. (For reference, check out our reviews of Space Station 76, Galaxy Quest, and any number of other flicks we really enjoyed.) That's not what this is about.

This is about a group of effects guys who worked with effects wizard Stan Winston from 1979 until Winston passed away in 2008. These guys knew what they were doing, is what we're saying.

So imagine their disappointment and, no doubt, straight-up anger when all their hard work on The Thing was replaced with someone else's work. And that brings us to this week's movie, Harbinger Down.

Starring Lance Henriksen, who has clearly had enough of your shit.
To put it bluntly, this movie is basically The Thing, but on a crabbing boat. But that's not to say that it is some kind of Asylum-like cheesefest. Far from it.

Henriksen is Captain Graff, the skipper of the crabbing boat Harbinger. His granddaughter, Sadie (Camille Balsamo) gets his permission to come onboard with her professor, Stephen (Matt Winston) and her friend/assistant Ronelle (Giovannie Samuels), and search for whales. A fourth person comes onboard, Svet (Milla Bjorn), a mysterious Russian woman who likes to fight with the boat's giant, Big G (Winston James Francis), and the crew is off and running.

When Sadie picks up a signal she believes to be whales, she drops a microphone into the water. What she ends up finding, however, is a crashed Russian spaceship encased in ice.

After bringing in out of the water, they chisel through the ice and find the ship's single inhabitant, and he is dead. He is also covered with what looks like some kind of strange scars. Sadie and Svet make plans to come back and take a sample of the dead cosmonaut's flesh for further analysis.

Hello? are you okay?
What they find is something they believe to be a virus of some kind. And when Stephen sees the two of them returning from the hold where the ship is being kept, he decides to see what the big deal is.

Poking around inside the cabin of the spacecraft, Stephen, a man who is supposed to be a scientist, starts grabbing stuff and handling things left and right. He is clearly not very good at his job. Also, the dead guy is no longer there.

Whatever the dead guy turned into (it looks like an angry wad of gelatin), it eats the guy running things in the engine room.

Also, someone took the captain's strawberries!
Up in the wheelhouse, Graff tells Sadie that his plan is to get in contact with the Russians and give them back their crashed ship. Stephen storms in, demanding instead that Sadie sign over her rights to the salvage to him, so he can use it to make a bunch of money, as evil scientists are wont to do.

Unfortunately for Stephen, , it turns out that the poor choices he made when grabbing any random thing in the crashed spacecraft come back to haunt him, as the virus has taken over his body and wants to murder him and everybody else.

And it is super gross.
Now that the Stephen-monster has sprayed its monster goo all over the place, everybody is suspected of being infected. Also, Svet is now suspected of something nefarious, although it isn't quite made apparent just yet.

One by one, the crew start disappearing, as does two tons of crab that they had caught before all this started. The monster has to eat something, and the miniscule crew just isn't getting the job done.

After most of the crew is dead, Svet is revealed to be a Russian spy, and not only is she there to take the spacecraft back home, but she also plans to blow up the Harbinger so there's nobody left to complain. To that end, she has placed six different explosive devices around the ship, and it's up to Big G, Sadie, and Graff to find them. While Big G is keeping an eye on Svet, she gets attacked and turned into an evil critter herself. And that critter wants to kill Big G. (This feels personal...)

AHHHH! It's an H.R. Giger sex doll!
Big G saves Graff from immediate death, but doesn't save him from getting sprayed with monster goo. Now infected, Graff feels like maybe they should oughta hurry up and find the explosives. He orders Big G to fix the boat's driveshaft while he goes to help Sadie. But just as Big G fixes the driveshaft, the monster comes and takes him out.

Now, with only Graff and Sadie left to fight the monster, what are they gong to do? Will Graff survive? Will Sadie? Will the monster take over the whole boat and begin a long and lucrative career as the world's first alien-based crab fishing company? You'll have to listen to find out!

Derek was pleasantly surprised. He did not have high expectations, being as this was a direct-to-video release, even with Lance Henriksen involved. He is also bothered by Svet's randomly disappearing accent.

Jake picked the movie, and it is clear from the beginning that he was totally into it. He also offers a lot of background about the reason this movie was made, as well as some nifty information about the guys who made it.

Larry also liked it, but was deeply disturbed by just how incredibly greasy the guy in the engine room is. That guy is really super filthy. Larry is also into the look of the monster, although he wanted to see more of it.

@redtache is now the guys' official "foreign correspondent". He wasn't as impressed with the movie as the others, although his problem is largely with the story itself. He thinks it feels too minimal.

So put on your HAZMAT suit, grab a handful of monster goo, and listen to this week's episode!

July 11, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

I hope all of you are doing well. My week is going pretty good so far, so let's try to keep that happening with some weird-ass video game GIFs.

Anyway, last week we here in the U.S. celebrated Independence Day, which memorializes the day that Will Smith punched an alien in the face and said, "Welcome to Earff!" At the same time, President Bill Pullman and Jeff Goldblum frowned a lot! We celebrate by drinking a lot and blowing shit up. It's totally patriotic and stuff.

Okay, maybe I got a few of the facts wrong, but you get the idea.

The accuracy in this, however, is flawless.
In end-of-the-world news, Angry Orange attended the G20 conference, where he met with his handler to receive new marching orders. While there, he says he firmly asked Vladimir Putin whether Russia was involved in messing with the 2016 election, and Putin said that, no, Russia was not involved.

Whew! What a relief! I mean, we've spent all this time, gathering evidence and having hearings and hiring independent investigators and all that, and it turns out that all we had to do was ask! I guess we can close down all the investigations, right?

This is how Angry Orange writes his tweets.
Another sign of the upcoming Apocalypse came in the form of an announcement that Jay-Z is coming out with a new album.

On the plus side, at least it isn't a Kanye West album.

Eat my dust, Wilbur!
As for my week...It had its ups-and-downs, as well as a "what the hell?" moment that may or may not lead to a new t-shirt design.

Guess which one it is...

This is why I don't skateboard anymore.
And then there were tweets. Twitter was alive with snarky goodness, funny jokes, and downright weirdness. So, as I tend to do, I grabbed a bunch of them so I could show them to you, Dear Reader! So let's have a look, in no particular order.

And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! To help it along, here's a Star Wars short called "The Solo Adventures" from The DAVE School!

Now I need a beverage...

My life is a Benny Hill sketch...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

July 5, 2017

Cool As Ice

To listen or download, click here!

The early 90s were a strange time for music. Hair metal was on its death bed. (It remains on life support to this day, thanks to a small but rabid group of fans who refuse to let it die a dignified death.) Country music was turning into Rock-Lite, headed up by the likes of Garth Brooks and Shania Twain. And rap music was at a crossroad between becoming regular old pop music (Run DMC, Fresh Prince, MC Hammer) or the angry, defiant voice of the African-American community (Tupac Shakur, Public Enemy, NWA), both groups paying homage to the groundbreaking artists who came before them (Doug E. Fresh, Kool Moe Dee, Sugarhill Gang).

And then there was Vanilla Ice.

Duke Nukem's skinnier, douchier brother?
In 1990, Vanilla Ice made a big splash by illegally using a sample of the Queen song, "Under Pressure", to record his one big hit, "Ice Ice Baby".

In 1991, Cool As Ice was released on an unsuspecting public. That public was completely unimpressed, and it died a quick death, aside from a small, but dedicated, group of people who have never known joy and apparently never want to.

That's what Derek and Larry sat down to watch this week. Jake couldn't make it because family fun was on the menu at the Streeter household. One cannot and should not pass up such opportunities. Especially when the alternative is watching a movie that stars Vanilla Ice.

Ice plays Johnny, a rapper who enjoys riding his motorcycle and hanging out with his group of friends, Jazz (Deezer D), Sir D. (Kevin Hicks), and Princess (Allison Dean).

While out for a ride after a gig at a weird warehouse where Naomi Campbell was his backup singer for some reason, Johnny spots a girl riding a horse. The girl's name is Kathy (Kristin Minter), and she is not particularly impressed with Johnny, especially after he almost gets her killed by jumping a fence with his motorcycle and spooking her horse.

Worst. Meet-Cute. EVER.
After this brief introduction between the two of them, Johnny and his gang head into the whitest town in America, where they are gawked at in horror by the terrified locals. And when Jazz starts having problems with his motorcycle, the group stops in the middle of the street to have a look at it, much to the consternation of doughy people in cars behind them.

When it is determined that the problem is not fixable to them, they go to a weird-looking, inside-out sort of house, and its owners, Roscoe (Sydney Lassick) and Mae (Dody Goodman). This elderly, goofy couple is short a few teaspoons and think that Johnny is there to sell them his motorcycle. After he explains that they need Jazz's motorcycle fixed instead, Roscoe offers to fix it as quickly as he can.

Um, "yo-yo-yo," youthful person! It would be "fleek" if you let me fix your "dope ride"!
What follows is a stupid montage meant to endear us to the house, its owners, and Johnny's gang. Mostly, it just makes the viewer wish it would stop.

And it does stop when Kathy is spotted coming home with her boyfriend, Nick (John Newton). Johnny decides it's time for a more formal introduction.

An uncomfortably close formal introduction.
But really, it's just a front for Johnny to steal Kathy's day planner and assign nicknames to her ("Kat..." said with an unnecessary amount of smugness) and Nick. ("Nick the dick.") Step aside, Dorothy Parker!

Kathy and Nick go inside to join her family (Michael Gross as Gordon, Candy Clark as Grace, and Victor DiMattia as little brother Tommy) in watching an interview that Kathy did with the a television reporter about her college choices. Somewhere--it is never established where--a couple of goons (Jack McGee and S.A. Griffin) also see the interview, and they recognize Gordon. It turns out they believe he owes them a bunch of money because of some excessively complicated plot involving Gordon's old partner (he used to be a cop) and some dirty dealing. So they make plans to go see Gordon about getting their money back.

Back in the middle of nowhere, Johnny and his friends discover that Roscoe was a bit off in his estimate for the repairs. Jazz's bike is now in hundreds of parts, all over the garage floor. Mae insists that he can fix it, but the gang can stay at their house until it is done. He also suggests that the friends go to the Sugar Shack to check out the local club scene, which they do.

It is awful. There is a horrible, untalented band playing. Johnny and his gang decide to liven things up by making some music of their own. It's still awful, but at least it's in key.
During the performance, Johnny pulls Kathy onto the dance floor and dry-humps her on the ground while Nick watches, slowly fuming.

After the musical number, Kathy and Nick argue in the parking lot, and she walks away, choosing to hoof it home rather than be with that screeching asshat, which really seems like the right choice all around.

On the way home, she is followed by a car containing the two goons, and just as it pulls up beside her, Johnny comes riding to the rescue and pulls her onto his motorcycle, and he takes her safely home, asking her to go out with him in his typical smarmy way. She tells him, basically, to eat a bag of dicks because he still has her planner. So Johnny goes back to the Sugar Shack, where he finds Nick and his drunk buddies beating on Johnny's friends' motorcycles with baseball bats. Inexplicably, he manages to beat them all up, even putting Nick in the hospital.

The next day, Johnny has a plan.

Don't know what this means, but it is probably gross.
That plan, apparently, involves breaking into Kathy's bedroom via the window, and stuffing an ice cube in her mouth. (Metaphor?) Gross. But she seems into it. Just as she's about to drop her gear and let Johnny do unspeakable things to her, Tommy comes in and totally ruins the moment, so she and Johnny take off and go for a ride on his bike.

They end up at a housing development, where they talk, run around in the unfinished houses, and make out on Johnny's bike. After an entire day of this, they go home.

Kathys is confronted by her parents, who tell her to stay away from Johnny because they incorrectly believe he is associated with the two goons who are now harassing their family. Kathy, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, believes this story after some prompting from her father, and decides that she doesn't need Johnny. All she needs is her idiot friends who think she is in the wrong for not putting up with Nick being an asshole.

Tommy, on the other hand, wants to be pals with Johnny and starts stalking him, demanding a ride on his motorcycle. Johnny finally relents, and they cruise around town for a bit, after which Johnny drops Tommy off at home, safe and sound.

Unfortunately,just after Johnny leaves, the goons show up and kidnap Tommy! Will Tommy be saved? Will Kathy Realize that her only true love is Johnny, for some reason? Will Michael Gross please, for the love of god, grow his beard back? Tune in to find out!

Derek hates this movie, and the only reason he chose it was to hurt Larry. He thinks it worked. He also thinks there are very few redeeming things about this movie, short of the end credits signifying that it is, finally, over.

Larry did not like this. He also feels that Johnny may be a disturbed serial criminal, and he may be right. The one spot of joy that he got from this movie involved Derek's reimagining of the ice cube scene, which kept them both laughing until the movie was over.

So shave a dumb-ass design in your head, shave off half an eyebrow, put on some stupid clothes, and listen to this week's show!

July 3, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

It's been another weird-ass week, but the weather is nice, so I'm not going to let it bother. In fact, I'm so committed to enjoying the weather, I'm not wasting time trying to find new GIFs. Instead, I'm going to recycle ones I've used already, and I will do everything in my power to make sure they are in no way relevant to whatever it is I'm talking about, yet I will attempt to make them relevant! That is how I roll.

Okay, almost not relevant.
Anyway, Angry Orange has spent most of the past week arguing with Morning Joe hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski. It started when, after cheerleading for him during his campaign, the two of them started questioning his ability to do his job and complaining about all the time he spends picking fights with people on Twitter (the link is an ongoing list of his Twitter insults compiled by the New York Times), he accused them of begging him to let them into his New Years Eve party at Mar-A-Lago. (Why this matters is something for future scholars to study when writing history books about his removal from office due to mental instability.)

In response, Angry Orange said they had come to Mar-a-lago around New Years Eve and begged to be admitted to his party. He claimed that Mika, who had recently had a facelift, was "bleeding badly" (he's got this weird obsession with women bleeding), and claims they were turned away.

Scarborough responded by saying that Angry Orange had been so impressed with the facelift that he asked "ten times" for the name of the doctor who had done it.

Mika, on the other hand, responded in a much more subtle, but snarkier, way that I could really appreciate.

And now it has turned into a whole thing that, quite frankly, is ridiculous and sad all at the same time. We have reached a point where the President of the United States has started tweeting old wrestling videos of himself to show how much he hates the media. (I refuse to link to it; if you want to see it, go find it yourself.)

No longer a comedy.
Think about that.

We are all Charlie Brown right now.
The media, for its part, has finally grown a pair and is starting to fight back against this idiot and his mouth-breathing minions. Sean Spicer's female doppelganger, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, tried to blame the media for the fighting, saying they were focusing too much on Angry Orange's tweets and not his accomplishments.

While pointing out the fact that he has accomplished almost nothing would have been the easy route (and let's be honest; it would be way easy because he has done nothing), some of the reporters are now stepping up and pointing out that they aren't the ones who started this, and they're getting pretty sick of having the blame laid at their feet.

Over the past few weeks, press briefings have been completely off-camera, and one network even went so far as to hire a court sketch artist to draw the briefings. And the whole time, the White House press monkeys have continued to bitch about how the mean ol' media is reporting, you know, the truth. The label "Fake News" has been thrown around like confetti for anything that Angry Orange doesn't agree with, and threats against journalists have increased.

I don't blame the media for being pissed at all, although I feel I can point a bit of a finger at them for giving that narcissistic asshat so much free attention while he was running. They played into his hand. Now they want to bite off its fingers.

These press conferences are getting rougher every day.
Meanwhile, in Congress, Senate Majority Leader and Senior Citizen Ninja Turtle Mitch McConnell completely failed to push the even-shittier-than-the-House-bill Senate TrumpCare bill through last week, but ended up having to pull it because he was unable to garner enough support from his own party.

Let's face facts, Timmy the Turtle: When even your own party is saying, "Uh...Maybe that's just a bit too garbage-y," you need to reassess.

Congress responds to criticism from U.S. citizens.
As for myself, I continued to share way too much about myself. This appears to have had an effect on my follower count, but, to be honest, it was bound to happen. If I could unfollow myself, I would.

Stay tuned, because at some point, I will slip up and reveal that it was me who broke the window in Mr. Rood's workshop when I was seven.

Ah, shit.

Lookin' for a "bad boy", ladies?
And then there were the amazingly funny folks on Twitter. They, as always, helped me maintain my tenuous (at best) grasp on my sanity by bringing the funny in droves. So, as a service to all of you who are also barely keeping from losing it, I offer a small sampling of those hilarious folks. If you dig them, follow them.

In no particular order...

And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week. For my friends here in the U.S., have a great Independence Day. For my friends in the UK, all I have to say is, "Fuckin' Colonials...", and to my Canadian friends, I hope you had a great Canada Day, and thanks for the fireworks display this past weekend. To the Russian bots that keep coming here, "Пойдите, ебайте себя." To everyone else, thanks for coming by!

To get your week going in the right direction, here's a special episode of Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars from The Thrilling Adventure Hour that involved randomly chosen cast members playing parts they didn't rehearse for.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

June 28, 2017

Judgement Night

To listen or download, click here!

This week, all three of the guys got back together to get back on track with Larry's movie choice from two weeks ago, 1993's Judgement Night, starring Emilio Estevez, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Stephen Dorff, Denis Leary, Jeremy Piven (for some reason), Peter Greene, and Erik "Everlast" Schrody (again, for some reason).

Frank (Estevez) is going out with his buddies, Mike (Gooding) and Ray (Piven), and his little brother John (Dorff), for the night to a boxing match. Ray, being the douchey guy that Jeremy Piven tends to be, manages to finagle an RV/party bus for the group of them to take into downtown Chicago for the fight in style.

Also, they need the space for Piven's forehead.
When they get caught in a traffic jam on the freeway, Ray decides that he can take a shortcut through a less-than-safe-looking part of town. While Frank argues with him about whether or not they'll be able to find the freeway again, they run over something. A quick investigation reveals that the speed bump they ran over was a person (Michael DeLorenzo), and that person has been shot.

Derek thinks the RV shot him, but nobody else agrees.
The kid tells them that they need to get out of there. When Frank takes the wheel to do just that and get the kid to a hospital, they get sideswiped by a car, and Frank gets the RV stuck in an alleyway.

A bunch of thugs break out the back window of the RV and drag the kid out into the street, where a mysterious and shadowy figure called Fallon (Leary) shoots him. Once that's done, he focuses on the other guys in the RV, all of whom are not too keen on being murdered by Denis Leary, so they break out the windshield and climb out so they can run away.

John! Quit getting lost in your own dreamy eyes! We have to hide!
Before he goes through the window, Frank pours a bunch of liquor around the RV and then sets it on fire, hoping to distract the bad guys. The RV explodes, so it's probably fair to say that it worked.

The guys find their way to a train yard, where they climb into a railroad car, only to be confronted by a bunch of hobos who want some money in order to stay quiet when Fallon and his gang show up.

They all give up their wallets, watches, and Mike's varsity jacket, but one of the hobos ("He's got a chicken brain!") freaks out and starts screaming, tipping off Fallon, who throws open the door, causing everyone to take off running.

The four friends find their way to a building in the projects, where they start knocking on doors, hoping they can call the police and get some help.

A couple of way-too-trusting people (Galyn Gorg and Angela Alvarado) let them in, and they call, just as Fallon and his thugs show up and start going apartment-to-apartment, floor-by-floor, to find Frank, Ray, Mike, and John.

After hearing a lot of people screaming, Clarissa (Gorg) tells the guys they need to get out, and Rita (Alvarado) is way in favor of that. Unfortunately, Ray isn't too into the idea, and pulls a gun on everybody to convince them that they really shouldn't go. A way more level-headed Frank convinces him that shooting all of them would just get the bad guys' attention, and Ray hands over the gun.

Clarissa tells them to take a secret way on the roof to the building next door. When they get there, they find a shoddy extension ladder stretched between the buildings. Ray decides he can't make it, so he wants to stay behind and try to cut a deal with Fallon.

Fallon recognizes the face of a guy who does not realize that his
bargaining skills aren't as good as he thinks they are.
Fallon, not impressed, throws Ray off the top of the building. Mike, who now has the gun, starts firing randomly at Fallon's men, clipping one of them, and then the three remaining friends run away again, finding themselves back in the shadier part of downtown, where they try to flag down a bus, but the bus driver wants no part of them. Mike shooting at the bus with the gun probably didn't help at all.

Instead, the guys hide in the sewer, but not very well. When Fallon and his guys realize they're down there, they give chase, leading them through the pipes, and a waterslide that is almost definitely coated in a thick layer of poop.

Frank, Mike, and John find a junction area where they grab makeshift weapons and prepare to fight Fallon's men to the end. Fallon's number one guy (Greene) gets the drop on Mike, but Frank quickly disarms him, and Mike shoots him.

At this point, Frank and John want to get out of there, but Mike wants to stay and end the whole thing. After some arguing that was easily loud enough to let Fallon and what's left of his gang find them, they climb out of the sewerand make their way to a sort of flea market/shopping mall kind of thing.

They break in and set off the alarm, which doesn't alert the police, but it does get the attention of a couple of security guys, as well as that of Fallon and his one remaining lackey, Rhodes (Schrody). They kill the security guys and start looking for Frank, Mike, and John.

He pulled out his Chrome .45
Talked some shit
And wound up dead
Mike takes out Rhodes, but not before Rhodes manages to shoot him. John tries to rescue Mike and ends up getting shot in the leg himself, by Fallon. Frank drags Mike and John to a closet in one of the bathrooms, and goes hunting for Fallon...

Will he beat Fallon? Or will Fallon straight-up murder the heck out of Frank, and then go hunt down Mike and John? And who won the boxing match? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Also, why does Cuba Gooding, Jr. keep making this face through the whole movie?
Larry loves this movie, and called it underappreciated numerous times. This seems to be largely because of Denis Leary's performance, which makes some sense, and also because of the awesome soundtrack.

Derek is not as enthusiastic, although he agrees with the assessments of Leary's performance and the soundtrack. He is, however, way too upset about Jeremy Piven existing, as well as the poop-filled sewer slide. So gross.

Jake shares Derek's opinion of the movie quality. He also wonders why Leary didn't get a lot more roles as a psychotic bad guy, as he nailed it in this one. He also believes the reason the other characters are so terrible falls strictly on the director.

And, once again, @redtache offers his opinions of the movie, and it turns out he's not particularly thrilled with it. He also disregards the guys' belief that the movie's soundtrack is pretty darn awesome.

So put on your uncomfortably small and awkward leather vest and listen to this week's episode!

June 26, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

It's been a surprisingly quiet week, considering the previous six months we've had, so I'm not going to talk about Angry Orange this week.

Instead, I'm going to celebrate something awesome: Twenty years ago this week, J. K. Rowling had her first Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, released, starting an international obsession with The Boy Who Lived that has covered eight novels, which spawned several more related books, nine movies, including the recent spin-off, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, a website called Pottermore, and several different leagues for the made-up wizard sport of Quidditch.

And so, that's why this week's GIFs are Harry Potter-related.

Es muy bueno!
My granddaughter Adryanna had her birthday last week, and although I wasn't able to get to her birthday party, I was able to see her last Monday to give her a present or two and collect numerous hugs and kisses, as well as a gross face lick.

While I visited with her and her mother, Adryanna decided she wanted to show off her musical skills.

Of course, she will be getting a real guitar for her birthday sometime in the future.

As does Papa.
Meanwhile, at home, Bosco continues to insist he is more popular than I am, and he wants his own Facebook and Twitter pages.

I told him no, so he pouted for about twelve seconds before I told him I was gonna get his chew bone, which prompted him to attack it and chew up most of it.

Bosco also hates this.
Additionally, I finally got around to putting together a cool Batman LEGO set that Larry gave me, which included a Batcycle, Harley Quinn and her motorcycle, and Deadshot with a rocket launcher. Things were going just fine until I got to the point where I had to put the back tire on Harley's bike; that's when tragedy struck!

It turns out that, when Larry tried to put it together (he gave it to me after getting frustrated because he was having issues with the instructions), he had misplaced a particular part of the axle. When I texted him about it, he was kind enough to search around his place until he found it. The next Sunday, he brought it to me, and I put the whole assembly together.

I would totally have given the finished product back to him, but he let me keep it. Thanks, Larry!

Daniel Radcliffe in Larry Potter and the Missing Piece of LEGO
Outside in the "real" world, Mattel has announced that Barbie's longtime companion, Ken, is being modernized. He is now available in a number of new configurations, including one with a man-bun, because go to hell sanity!

The folks on Twitter responded as you would expect them to.

He still has no genitalia, which means that, for the first time, he is now considered anatomically correct.

And then there were tweets...As always, everyone on Twitter was awesome. And here are a few that, while awesome, should have got more attention. In no particular order...

And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week! To help it along, here's another great Bad Lip Reading video:

Roll credits...

Shit went down at Hogwarts!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco