March 22, 2017

First Strike

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Once again, the guys weren't all available this week because Jake had people visiting from out-of-town. This time, however, Larry's girlfriend Jenny stepped up and joined him and Derek to watch another Jackie Chan movie (because this is now going to be a thing whenever someone can't make a show), Jackie Chan's First Strike. (Or Police Story IV: First Strike, if you want to get complicated.)

Once again, Hong Kong policeman Jackie Chan (seriously...that's the character's name) is saving the world and stuff, as he is wont to do when he is on vacation. This time, however, he is tasked by the CIA to follow a Russian woman named Natasha (Nonna Grisheava) who is romantically connected to a mysterious, wig-wearing arms dealer named Tsui (Jackson Liu).

And also show off what the well-dressed spy wears.
Jackie follows her on a flight to Ukraine, and once he does that, everything is supposed to be relaxation and paying way too much for the caviar that his Uncle Bill (Bill Tung) asked him to get while he was there. When Jackie sees Natasha being taken away by what appear to be military men, he has his driver follow, only to see her get dropped off at a church in the middle of nowhere, where she meets up with Tsui and delivers money to him.

Contacting his CIA handler, Jackie is told to follow Tsui and see where he goes. He sneaks into the back of the van Tsui is driving and waits until it stops. When it does, Jackie finds himself at a ski resort, and he tails Tsui on a snowmobile to a cabin out beyond the slopes. Tsui is meeting up with his customer's men to deliver a bomb of some kind, but when the money he is owed is not deposited immediately into his Swiss bank account, Tsui keeps the weapon's core.

Tsui needs the money to feed his giants.
In the meantime, Jackie has contacted the CIA, who, in connection with their Russian counterparts, bring a bunch of men to the cabin, and a shootout happens. Tsui gets away, only to be tripped up by the Jackie's handler, and they recognize each other. They, along with Jackie, get on a snowmobile and get out of there, but before they get very far, Tsui knocks the CIA agent off and forces Jackie to keep driving, until Jackie crashes it and they fight for the briefcase holding the core, until a group of mercenaries who work for Tsui's customer come looking for it. Then a skiing/snowboarding chase is set off, and it culminates in helicopters exploding and Jackie plunging into a frozen lake.

Confused yet? Well hold on to your socks, buckaroos!

Jackie is rescued and taken to a hospital by the FSA (kind of the Russian version of the CIA), and once he is healthy, they ask him to find Tsui and track down the weapon core. The only lead they have is that Tsui's family is in Australia, and they want Jackie to go there and try to get information from them. He agrees, and although his travel arrangements a kind of sketchy, he makes it there and gets set up in a nice hotel with free clothes and koalas all over the damn place. Then he goes to meet with Tsui's sister, Annie (Annie Wu), who works at Underwater World, a Sea World knock-off whose name definitely cannot be confused with the better-known franchise.

Why are you in my locker room, you strange man?
Jackie tells Annie that he and Tsui are friends and he wanted to meet his friend's family. Fortunately (for Jackie), Annie is on the way to the hospital to see her father, who has taken ill, and Jackie rudely invites himself to join her. Annie, being not especially suspicious for some reason, agrees and they head out.

Upon reaching the hospital and going to Uncle Seven's (Terry Woo) room, Jackie outs himself as a Hong Kong policeman working for the FSA, and questions Uncle Seven about Tsui's whereabouts. Uncle Seven insists he known nothing, and Jackie leaves, only to be assaulted in the hallway by Annie.

Later, Jackie tries to see Annie at work, but he has to sneak in, as the place is closed. On his way out, he meets up with Tsui, who, insisting that Jackie sing, makes him undress in the parking lot and put on a seal costume.

Uncle Bill? You'll never guess where I'm calling from!

It turns out that this is because those FSA guys were, in fact, KGB, and they had bugged all of the clothes they gave Jackie, as well as putting a tracker on his car. Tsui reveals that the leader of this group, Gregor (Yuriy Petrov), is the guy that Tsui was supposed to be selling the weapon to in the first place...

Did we mention the koala underpants?
You know what? That's enough. If you want to find out what happens next, you're gonna have to listen in!

Derek has some concerns about the fact that this movie's plot is incredibly complicated. Especially if what you really want to see is Jackie Chan doing awesome stuff. However, he's willing to cut the flick some slack because there is awesomeness aplenty in store. But, really, was all that extra garbage really necessary?

Larry also feels it's needlessly complicated, but agrees that's it's still worth it for the amazing fight scenes. He does have a problem, however, with Jackie's phone etiquette, in that he cuts off conversations by quickly shouting, "OKAYOKAY! BYEBYE!" and hanging up. Rude.

Jenny doesn't talk a lot, as people new to this sort of thing tend to do, but she did enjoy the movie. She says her father was a big fan of Jackie Chan movies, so it was nice to sit down and watch such a goofy one. Again, overly complicated plot devices caused some consternation.

But listening to the show isn't that complicated, so fire it up and give it a listen!

March 20, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

Before we get started, I just wanted to let you all know that there will not be a list next week. I want to take a week off from doing it to do some stuff on this page that needed to happen a while but but never did, and also to do some stuff out in the real world, too.

*****

Anyway, this week has been a heck of a ride for Angry Orange, and I've brought in "Macho Man" Randy Savage to provide animated commentary.

OHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Let's start from the beginning, won't we?


Two weeks ago, Angry Orange flew a rage because a magical fairy in his dream (i.e., "somebody on Fox News") told him that President Obama had wiretapped Trump Tower, so he did what any reasonable person responsible for the safety of the free world would do: He went on Twitter and accused the former president of a felonious act without any proof at all whatsoever.


Needless to say, the rest of the world was shocked. President Obama possibly most of all. Angry Orange's team of mouthpieces, however, jumped right out there and defended their boss and his crazy word-sayings by insisting on all sorts of crazy shit. Top of the "Pants-Crapping INsane" list goes to angry bag of hairless cats, Kellyanne Conway, who suggested that anything could be turned into a surveillance device. A microwave, for instance.

Naturally, Twitter had some stuff to say about that.


But wait! It gets better!

CIA Director Savage explains how it's done.
Things got serious really, really quickly, and letters flew back and forth between Congress, the FBI, the various other divisions of the Intelligence Community, and the White House, evidence was demanded, promised, and never delivered, and hearings were scheduled. All the while, the White House Gang insisted it was all true, except that what Angry Orange meant was entirely different from what he actually said. "When he said 'wiretapped'," they insisted, "what he really meant was that something pretty sketchy was being done on by somebody." (I'm paraphrasing.) But who?

Well, the hearings started today and, as I write this, every single news site I have visited is pointing out that FBI director James Comey (you may remember him as the guy who torpedoed Hilary Clinton with a bullshit letter about a continuing investigation into her use of a private email server because Anthony Weiner's wife had a laptop that contained a few emails--which the FBI had already seen--from Clinton) said, quite simply, that there was no evidence whatsoever that Obama had ordered a wiretap and, more interestingly, even if he had wanted one, the president cannot order it.

Hey, Randy...Is this batshit crazy enough for you yet?
This is from one of White House spokestoddler Sean Spicer's press conferences. To be honest, I have no idea if it has anything to do with any of the above because I'm mesmerized by his tie.


I watched it for twenty minutes when I first saw it, and at least once each day since. Still have no idea what it's about.

And I'm sure Randy would have loved it.
Other stuff of interest:

Daylight Savings returned with a vengeance last Sunday, affecting anybody who had to wake up early on Sunday morning (such as myself), and it sucked. I was stumbling around like a zombie the whole day. Fortunately, I had two days off right after that, so it didn't take long to readjust.

Not everyone had the same experience, though...


But, all in all, we survived.

As for myself, I spent some time with Ugly Couchcast CEO Bosco...


I came to a stunning realization...


And was possibly, or possibly not, "dissed", as the kids say these days...


But I also discovered long lost music...


So, all-in-all, it wasn't a terrible week for me.

Something to consider.
And there were Tweets! So many great tweets! And, believe it or not, not every one of them was political, although there were some really funny ones. But those are for the beginning of this post. Right now, it's time for some straight-up funny stuff from Twitter! So let's do this!


And there you have it! Now go have an awesome week, darn it! And to get you in the proper mood, here's Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan all coked-up (allegedly) and giving an interview!


Drop the tiny coffee creamer to let us end this, Randy.

That will do nicely.
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

March 15, 2017

Rumble in the Bronx

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This week, Larry couldn't come over to do the show, so Derek and Jake had to make do, even though it was Larry's week to pick the movie.

Undaunted, Derek and Jake boldly looked adversity in the eye and watch the movie that brought Jackie Chan the fame in America that he had been wanting for so long: Rumble in the Bronx.

This feels like a Mountain Dew commercial.
Jackie Chan is Keung, and he has come to New York (by way of Vancouver) to help his Uncle Bill (Bill Tung) sell the grocery store he runs in the Bronx, and keep an eye on Bill's apartment while he's off on his honeymoon.

"Saaaay...How 'bout a little sugar for the star, ma'am?"
The day before the wedding (possibly), Bill sells the store to a woman named Elaine (Anita Mui), and Keung makes a strong first impression on her by flexing and squeezing a nose pimple in front of a two-way mirror.

That night, Keung is awoken by the sounds of a motorcycle race going on down on the street. All seems fine until the racers turn their bikes around and start riding over the tops of cars, smashing the windshields and denting the tops. One of the cars in the line is a car that Uncle Bill "borrowed" (it's a pretty sketchy endeavor, to be honest) from a friend for the wedding. Keung rushes down and stands in the way to make sure they don't hurt the car, but it causes the rider to lose the race, which angers the local gang.

Why, yes...yes he is.
At Uncle Bill's wedding, Elaine suckers Keung into working for her at the store for something like a couple of months or something,until Uncle Bill gets back and Keung goes home. Almost immediately after the wedding, the gang comes to the store, steals some stuff, and gets their asses handed to them soundly by Keung.

It was only the first of several ass-handing-tos.
The gang, angered by this, hunt down Keung and beat his thoroughly with bottles in an alleyway. Frankly, the process is over-complicated and really unnecessary, but it sets up the meeting between Keung and Uncle Bill's neighbor, Danny (Morgan Lam), wherein Danny's sister, Nancy (François Yip)--who is the gang leader Tony's (Marc Akerstream) girlfriend--discovers a bloody and battered Keung out in the hallway, drags him into their apartment, and dresses his wounds.

Danny is way too excited to share that Nancy undressed Keung while he was
bleeding and unconscious.
Meanwhile, two of the gang members--Angelo (Garvin Cross) and another unnamed character (Ailen Sit)--witness a car crash, followed by a gunfight, and check the car for valuables. Angelo finds a briefcase and takes off with it, running into an apartment building where Danny and Keung just happen to live.

Once inside, Angelo gets the briefcase open and discovers a bag of diamonds. Keung, after being stopped by some men who say they are FBI, gets Danny back inside, where Danny discovers Nancy has bought him a new cushion for his wheelchair, and Keung discovers that Nancy is the woman on the motorcycle from what feels like four days (of move time) ago, but he's willing to let it slide that her boyfriend's group of dirtbags almost killed him with broken glass because he had the nerve to suggest they not steal things.

SO punchable.
Impressed by Keung's ability to just let things go, Nancy decides she wants a piece of that action, and when she and Keung are spotted at the club where Nancy dances by Tony's guys, another chase ensues, leading to the gang returning to the store to trash it.

Angered, Keung asks Nancy to take him to the gang's clubhouse so he can confront them with logic and reason. (Loosely translated: "Take me there so I can kick these guys in the head some.)

And serve up a heaping helping of bottle-shaped Karma.
After hitting people a lot, Keung calls them names and is ready to leave when one of the gang members stumbles in, carrying two bags of one of the other gang members. (Go ahead and re-read that. We'll wait.)It turns out the really bad guys kidnapped these two gang members, tortured them, and sent them back with a message to Tony: Give us Angelo or we get more garbage bags for the rest of you.

Keung wants to get hold of the police, but Tony doesn't want to deal with them. He agrees after Keung explains that he's got a card from the FBI guys and will call them...

And that's all we're telling you. Why? Two reasons:

  1. Any story is really just there to set up spots for cool stunts and fight scenes. Just accept it; and

  2. We ran out of cool GIFs.
So watch the movie! Seriously!

Larry wasn't there, as noted, but he was in spirit.

Derek did the best he could to channel Larry for the Top Ten lists, but it just wasn't the same. He did, however, love the movie. So much so, in fact, that he re-watched it after Jake went home.

Jake also liked it...mostly because of #2 above, but it is argued (quite rightly) that this is as good a reason as any; in large part because most action movies don't even bother to establish a semi-credible story.

So put on your face-kickin' shoes, smack around some cabbage (you'll understand when you listen), and check out this week's show!

March 13, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

After the week I had at work, I'm just not ready to talk about politics this time around, because I would probably punch my computer, and then there wouldn't be a list next week. Can't have that. Besides, my microwave might be listening.

I will, however, add this (courtesy of our pal @redtache):


Anyway, this past week, the weather tried to kill us all, and there were a lot of people who ended up without electricity. Among those affected was my place of employment. I had just clocked in, and when I was reaching for the door, the lights went out.

Artist's rendering of last Wednesday.
 Not fun, especially when I had to actually finish my work.

We got power back on Friday, which is all well and good, but that was the one day that I wish they had called me and said, "Hey, Derek...Why don't you stay home tonight?"

I had plans, is all...
But, alas, it was not to be, so I went to work and hated all of it. It's kind of my thing.

Now enough of that shit. Who wants to look at some goddamn funny tweets? In fact, these particular ten were chosen from the vast tweet mines of Twitter specifically because they will make you laugh, and also send your brain a coded message to guard you from appliances trying to read your brain with rays.

So open your mouth, say "aaah", and dig these, in no particular order:


And there you have it! Now get out there, stay warm (it's freakin' freezing here), and have a great week! And to get you started, here's Barenaked Ladies performing with the a capella group, The Persuasions...


All the best,
Derek and Bosco

March 8, 2017

Below

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(Editor's Note: During the show, it was mentioned that Larry had a punk band called Cock Holster and the Misfires. After extensive research, Derek was able to find a recording of the only single they ever released, "Shootin' Blanks". You can hear it right here! Enjoy! - Derek)

After last week's movie, this one is a treat! Jake picked 2002's Below, a World War II-based submarine flick with a difference.

In 1943, the USS Tiger Shark is in the Atlantic, doing whatever it was that they were doing back then (looking for Germans or something, we suspect), and receives orders to pick up some survivors from a British hospital ship that was destroyed by a German U-boat nearby. They manage to pull three people out of a raft they find: a nurse named Claire (Olivia Williams), a soldier (Dexter Fletcher), and a wounded man whose face is wrapped in bandages (Bernard Schilling). Almost immediately, they are spotted by a German ship, and they have to dive in order to avoid it.

Does somebody need a hug?
The German ship begins running its sonar, hoping to ping the sub, which is running silent until someone turns on a record player that starts blasting Benny Goodman. This apparently alerts the German ship to their location, and it begins dropping depth charges, which toss the ship around like a ragdoll.

What, like the Aerosmith song?
The Captain (Bruce Greenwood) and his crew try to root out who turned on the record, and they rush to the room where the injured man is, finding Claire there with him. She tries to explain what happened and why she didn't tell them the man was a German soldier, but Captain Brice has already figured it out. Brice has Claire removed from the room, and when the German lunges for a scalpel, Brice shoots him. He then confines Claire to her quarters, where he hopes she won't cause any more trouble. He also orders his men to wrap the body and prepare it so they can dump it off the next chance they get to surface.

Have I got something stuck in my teeth?
Later that night, Claire hears whispering coming from somewhere in her room. A quick search reveals that the body of the dead German was put under her bed. And the men who wrapped him put sticks in his mouth so it would stay open, all so they could scare Claire, who obliges them and screams light a frightened toddler. (A reasonable reaction, really.)

Not. Amused.
Brice is, naturally, pretty unhappy with his men and demands they rewrap the corpse and take it out of Claire's room. Later still, Clair sneaks out of her room and into Brice's quarters, where she takes a peek at the sub's log book. She notices that there are two different people's handwriting in there, and she starts to suspect something isn't on the up-and-up. Before she can do any further searching, she is interrupted by Ensign Odell (Matthew Davis), who tells her that the ship's original commanding officer, Lieutenant Commander Winters (Nick Hobbs), was killed when he slipped, hit his head, and fell overboard when they surfaced to confirm the destruction of a German submarine tender.

The German boat returns again, this time pulling large hooks along behind it, which latch onto the sub and tear off a part of the conn tower, as well as doing some serious damage to the hull before the crew can get the sub to the bottom. When they finally do, Brice sends a team of men--Odell, Coors (Scott Foley), Loomis (Holt McCallany), and Weird Wally (Zack Galifianakis)--inside the hull to see if it can be repaired while they are still underwater. While split off from the other two, Coors tells Odell that Winters was killed because he had ordered them to machine gun any survivors from the German ship they had fired on. A fight broke out, and Winters fell, hit his head, and died. As he is telling this story, he looks as though he's planning to kill Odell with a hammer, but he falls from one of the beams he's standing on and is himself dead.

His beard is trying to destroy them all!
The others return inside, where they tell the crew what happened. Almost immediately, the boat takes control of itself and turns back toward the site where they sunk the German ship. Nothing the crew tries can regain control, and then they start having problems with hydraulics, which they rerout through the battery room, and that causes an explosion that kills a solid 75% of the remaining crew.

No idea if this is a survivor or not. Seriously.
While investigating the damage and sifting through the ashes for bodies, Loomis sees his reflection in a mirror that moves differently than he does, and it drives him over the edge. He runs for the exit, escapes (again, while they are still under water), and tries to swim to the surface. He doesn't make it, however, because the sub manages to impale him on a broken railing in the damaged conn tower.

Once again, Claire sneaks into Brice's quarters to read the log. A new entry tells what really happened when Winters died. (Normally, we would give details here, but we don't want to ruin the fun in this case, as it's a large part of the final scenes of the movie.)

By now, what's left of the crew is starting to feel a little edgy, as anyone would, and they also notice that the hydrogen in their air is reaching dangerous levels. They beg Brice to allow them to surface so they can get some fresh air in the boat, but he refuses. When an argument ensues, the sub makes up their minds for them and heads for the surface. When they break water, Claire makes a run topside, hoping to signal a ship that was spotted so they can all be saved from what they now believe is a haunted or cursed sub. Brice follows...

Maybe he thought she had candy...?
What happened the night Winters died? Is the submarine actually haunted? Or was it hallucinations brought on by the dangerously high hydrogen levels within it? Why is Zack Galifianakis the best actor in this movie? What, to wrap it all into one simple question, the hell? Tune in to find out!

Derek really liked this movie, although the CGI left a lot to be desired. He also was surprised at Galifianakis' acting chops. Why isn't that guy getting more work like this? Comedies are all well and good, but he can do drama or horror! Make that happen, somebody!

Larry didn't like it because the awful CGI took him right out of the movie. He did like some of the cast, although he also felt most of them just weren't up to the task. He also thinks the movie should have been scarier. He is convinced that it is better than he says it is, though, when Jake makes a good point about the story.

Jake thinks that the story is amazing, and not happening nearly enough in any format, but movies especially. It's sort of a dramatic-suspenseful-noir-horror sort of thing, and that's just dandy. He also liked the cast, but, as with the others, he is astounded by how poorly-done the CGI is. (It really is awful.)

So slap on your wetsuit, get your crucifix, and listen to this week's episode!

March 6, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

I decided that this week, as it is Women's History Month, I'm going to make this week's list nothing but funny women I follow on Twitter. But before that, just a few things...

Like brunch!
Angry Orange gave a speech to Congress, and he managed to not complain about how people hate his dumbass Executive Orders or the popular vote or any other stuff for almost 90 minutes!


Pundits went gaga, pretending like this...this was the "pivot" the were waiting for! It was finally happening! He was taking the job seriously!

That lasted all of one whole day, when Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would not be returning to Celebrity Apprentice next season, citing Angry Orange's "baggage" attached to the show.

The cat hair-covered piece of smoked jerky immediately took to Twitter to say Arnold was being fired because of his terrible ratings, and also President Obama "tapped the wires" at Trump Tower.


Well, things are getting ugly now. Even his own people are saying they have no clue what the hell he is talking about. So they have that much in common with him.

It might also be his undoing, because he is calling for an investigation. If it turns out that it was true, and the building was tapped, that meant there had to be a warrant issued, which means that a judge found probable cause, and someone's got some 'splainin' to do!

Fights are being picked, accusations are being made, and we all get to have a front row seat!


Heck, sometimes we get to participate! I, myself, got blocked by Mike Huckabee. Can't imagine what it was I brought up, but it must have rubbed him the wrong way.


Anyway, it has come down to the last Republican guy, George W. Bush, going on TV and offering his opinion on it.


Good god...This is what we've become.

Proto-Phoebe, from Prehistoric Friends.
But then there were tweets! Lots of tweets! Funny tweets! And a metric fuckton (that's, like, 2.16 times a standard fuckton) of them came from some seriously smart, funny women on the Twitter machine! In fact, here's ten of them:


And there you have it! And remember: None of you bozos would be here without at least one awesome woman being around. So show some respect, you buttheads! Also, have an awesome week. To get it going, here's the woman who pretty much invented rock and roll: Sister Rosetta Tharpe...


All the best,
Derek and Bosco

March 1, 2017

MANOS: The Hands of Fate

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Just when you thought it was safe, the guys sat down to watch the cult classic, 1966's MANOS: The Hands of Fate.

To be fair, this choice was made by Derek, who was retaliating against Larry for last week's movie. Poor Jake was just caught in the crossfire.

Much like the "heroes" of our film.

Anyway, MANOS is the story of Michael (writer/director/producer/actor Hal Warren), Margaret (Diane Adelson), and their daughter Debbie (Jackey Neyman), and how they had a nice vacation with their dog Pepe at the Valley Lodge, which features scenic views, helpful staff (John Reynolds as Torgo), dedicated management (Tom Neyman as The Master), and even its own sacrificial pyre!

Hands down the best pyre in the area.
After hours of driving to get there, past hill and dale, and back past the same hills and dales, they arrive at what may or may not be the Valley Lodge, and Michael decides that they should probably just stay there whether it is or not, because that there Torgo fella seems like a pretty straight shooter.

And a FABULOUS dancer!
As they prepare to get comfortable, Pepe decides that he's out of there and takes off running. Michael, by now completely content to leave his wife and daughter alone with the creepy, big-kneed caretaker Torgo, wanders off into the desert to find the dog.

"I do turn-down service as soon as I lick these windows clean, ma'am!"
Finding Pepe dead, Michael wants to head back to the house, but he is ambushed by Torgo, who ties him to a stick and leaves him to be eaten by wolves or fire ants or whatever the hell they have out there. Meanwhile, Torgo visits Margaret and leers at her. He also almost touches her. It is then that he admits, in his weird, twitchy way, that he wants to have her for himself, rather than give her to The Master, which appears to be a standing order around these parts.

As if this sweet robe wasn't going to pull in all the babes already.
This sets up a confrontation, not only between Torgo and The Master, but also between The Master and his other wives. (Apparently, this whole Manos cult is an offshoot of Mormonism.) The wives don't want The Master to bring in any new women because it means more competition. Torgo, as noted earlier, doesn't want it to happen, either, but mostly for selfish reasons. When he first goes to talk to the wives, The Master also looks like he's reconsidering, especially after the wives' conversation devolves into a shouting match at first, but then becomes a full-blown Battle Royale.

But way better than the ones with the sweaty dudes in tiny Speedos slapping each other around.
Finally, The Master puts his foot down and sentences the wife who started the fight to death. Torgo, for his part, tries to stand up for himself to The Master, but he ends up being tortured by snicker sneg, and having his hand pulled off and set on fire.

The Master did not approve of Torgo's sick dance moves, either.
Michael finds Margaret and Debbie, who were also wandering in the desert, trying to find him, and he suggests going back to the house, where they can confront The Master and escape! But do they?

No. No, they don't. Normally, we wouldn't tell you this, but we really feel we should because the film itself is pretty cut-and-paste, storytelling-wise.

Derek hates this movie, but he's happy to watch it with friends so they can all make fun of it, because it truly is a movie made for that sort of thing. He is also fascinated by Torgo, as are we all.

Larry is also not a fan, but he also agrees that it's a fun group watch. He thinks The Master looks like Freddie Mercury. He thinks Torgo is a snazzy dresser. Larry needs a hug, people.

Jake was a virgin for this time out. He now feels gross, sore, violated, and a little bit sticky, so we guess this metaphor should be stopped before we screw it up somehow.

The Master would not approve of you not listening to this week's show!

February 27, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Everybody shut up! There's important news!


Okay...Now that we have that out of the way, I'm going to make this short and sweet.

Let's get down with our bad selves!
First off, Angry Orange is still having a not very good time of being the boss of everybody, and it is getting weird now.

It started with White House spokestoddler Sean Spicer banning certain news organizations from the White House briefings. It turns out that the ones that were banned were the ones that happened to be reporting on the ties between his boss and Russia, which makes the Angry Orange cranky. And when that happens, everybody suffers.


To be honest, nobody's really losing out on not being there. All Spicer does is lie, and with all the leaks coming out of the White House, getting real news isn't all that hard.

Dramatic re-enactment of the most recent press gaggle.
All of the battling with the press is causing some tension over what's going to happen with the White House Correspondents' Dinner. At first, a number of news organizations canceled parties they had planned for that night as a protest against the White House's choice to shut out some reporters. However, Angry Orange soon tweeted that he would not be attending them dinner. (This is the first time since Nixon that a president straight-up declined to attend. President Reagan didn't attend in 1981, but he had a doctor's note that excused him from making jokes due to gunshot wounds.) So now, the organizers are scrambling to decide what to do. Of course, a few people had some suggestions...


Personally, I'd like to see Alec Baldwin show up in full costume.

Whatever, Ron. Whatever.
Also this week, CPAC had their big ol' meeting to decide how much more evil they can be. Angry Orange was the keynote speaker, and it was...odd.


What?

That's what rock and roll music does to you.
As for myself, I had a fun week.


Oh, and one last thing about Angry Orange that I almost forgot, which prompted the "getting weird" comment:


So...uh...there's that.

And, of course, there was Twitter! Seriously, were it not for the fine folks there, I might have just lost it by now. Their funny makes my angry go away. So let me share it with you, won't us? In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now go have an awesome week. To help you along, here's a little tease of what this week's Here Be Spoilers will be like...


All the best,
Derek and Bosco

February 22, 2017

Once Bitten

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Once a lifetime, a movie comes along that will change your life. This week's film is not one of them, unless you count getting 90 minutes older as a life change.

This week, the guys sat down (at least one of them against their will) to watch 1985's Once Bitten, starring Jim Carrey, Lauren Hutton, Cleavon Little, and Karen Kopins. Megan Mullally also makes a brief appearance, but not so's you'd notice.

Mark (Carrey) is a 21-year-old (or possibly 18-year-old) college (or high school) student who really wants to get laid by his girlfriend of six (or possibly four) years, Robin, but she won't give up her naughty bits.

Possibly because, like most people, she is repulsed by Jim Carrey's touch.
So, faced with his six-(or four-)year blueballs just straight-up exploding and potentially putting the entire city of Los Angeles in danger of being covered in grossness, Mark lets his horndog buddies, Jamie (Thomas Ballatore) and Russ (Skip Lackey) talk him into cruising the Sunset Strip in Mark's ice cream truck, trying to find women that will utter those two magic words: "Why not?"

Jamie and Russ, although we're not sure which is which, like it matters.
They find themselves at a bar that does some sort of weird pre-speed dating kind of thing, where each table has a phone (shaped like lips) and a light with a number on it. If, say, you felt like allowing two or three incredibly hammy actors rub their gross selves against you, you would call the number of the table these bozos are sitting at. And get this: Somebody does call! And they want to buy Mark a drink! What are the odds?

When Mark goes to the bar to see who called, he meets the Countess (Hutton), who, it should be noted, is a vampire that needs to drink the blood of a virgin male three times within the next ten days (or maybe less...the continuity on this film is non-existent) in order to maintain her "youthful" (for a vampire, at least) appearance.

This would never happen in the real world.
She buys him a drink, the Countess' servant, Sebastian (Little) takes them back to her mansion, and bites him on the inner thigh to draw the blood she needs. If your brain is not throwing up all over the inside of your head as you read that, you need help.

Immediately, Mark shows signs of becoming a vampire: aversion to bright light, craving raw meat, hissing at children, slicking back his hair...You know; the usual vampire stuff.

When Kim finds out that Mark had himself a crazy night with another woman, she breaks up with him (or, again, possibly doesn't). Until he stalks her at work and tries to sex up a bunch of clothes while she's dealing with a customer. She can only make him stop by forcing him to try on new clothes, and when he goes into the fitting room, he finds that the Countess has followed him there to get a second helping of blood. What follows is a Three's Company-style scene where Mark tries to fool Kim into thinking he's in there by himself, but the Countess is trying to give it away that she's in there! It's kooky!

Cleavon should have known better.
Jumping forward (or possibly backward...Again, the timeline is kind of sketchy), Mark and Kim attend the college (or high school) pre-Halloween Hop on Halloween, and everyone thinks Mark is dressed as a vampire! But he's not! And the Countess shows up, setting off one of the shittiest dance-off scenes ever committed to film, and ending with Kim getting kidnapped and taken back to the mansion, where she will be used as bait to get Mark and his idiot posse to show up so she can feed for the third and final time.

It's like the dance-off in Grease, but worse.
When Mark and the toolbags find Kim, who was conveniently stuffed in the basement right near where they came in, they set off to find a way out, only to run across the Countess and her other, lesser vampires. A Scooby-Doo-style chase ensues, winding up with Mark in a gynecological exam chair. The posse finally does something useful, grabbing torches to hold the vampires at bay so Mark and Kim can escape...

But not before Kim tells the Countess to fuck off, as it should be.
Will the Countess and her minions catch up with them before they can escape? Will she feed for the third time, restoring her life for another century or two? Or will Kim give up the goods to save Mark's life?

It's that third one. Mark and Kim do it in the Countess' coffin.

Now you don't have to watch it, because fuck this movie. You're welcome.
Derek hated this movie as much as he expected to. He is irritated by the severe lack of continuity. And everything else about this film. But Kim and the Countess were nice to look at, and he hoped there would be some wrasslin' between them.

Larry still claims to love this movie and thinks it's a good watch with friends. He is wrong. The most the others are willing to concede is that there was one good joke in the chase scene. But that's it.

Jake is worried because he could potentially end up as collateral damage in the battle between the other two (which Larry started by introducing a Jim Carrey movie into the mix), and has already contacted Ken Burns to create a documentary about it.