May 24, 2017

Waxwork

To listen to this week's episode, click here!


Do you remember the 80s? Remember when waxworks were the height of entertainment for rich people with no souls? Sure, who doesn't! Ands remember when the creepy British guy with the oily, stringy hair tried to murder you and make you a part of the exhibit when you visited the aforementioned waxwork? of course you do. And even if you don't, this movie will bring all those memories flooding back.

This week, Jake picked the 1988 cult classic, Waxwork, starring Zach Galligan and David Warner, who really should have known better.

Galligan plays Mark, a rich college student who likes to have a drink or two with the help (Joe Baker as Jenkins), has a terrible girlfriend (Michelle Johnson as China), a group of superficial friends who all appear to hate each other, and a mother (Jennifer Bassey) who refuses to let him drink caffeine. He also has a professor (Edward Ashley) whom all the guys are pretty sure is a Nazi war criminal in hiding.

John Hughes presents The Brunch Club!
When China and Sarah (Deborah Foreman) spot a new building that pops up in the neighborhood with a sign on the front that says "Waxworks", they get curious. However, before they can decide whether or not to investigate, the owner of the place pops up in a Willy Wonka cosplay costume and invites the two of them, as well as any other four friends they care to bring, to an exclusive midnight showing that evening. They say they'll consider it, and then head off to their classes at University of High School, where they meet up with their friends and tell them about the place while they watch China's new boyfriend practice football.

Which of you is the one who likes bubble gum?
The group agrees to go, and they meet up later that night. When they arrive at the waxworks, they are greeted by a tiny man with a thick German accent (Mihaly "Michu" Meszaros) and a tall, thin guy (Jack David Walker) who doesn't say much at all. After the little guy offers them drinks, they wander into the display area, and that's where things start to get weird.

The true star of this dumpster fire.
Mark's friends begin to disappear, one-by-one, until only Sarah is left. Those friends have been sucked into the scenes they were looking at in the waxworks! And while the two of them appear deeply concerned about their missing friends, Mark isn't so worried that he'll forego a chance to stick his tongue down Sarah's throat. She, however, demures, which we're pretty sure all of us can agree was the right move. Take time to mourn lost friends...and then hump like bunnies on homemade trucker speed. (Unless Mark's mourning period is way shorter than everyone else's, which we guess makes it okay, although it does make him look like kind of a dick.)

Thoroughly friendzoned, Mark goes to the police, where a hardened detective (Charles McCaughan) completely fails to buy into what sounds like a steaming pile of horse poop. However, he visits the waxworks with Mark to have a look around, just in case.

Werebunny or Easter Wolf? You make the call!
What he finds is David Warner, who takes him for a stroll through the exhibits, where nothing happens at all, even when Warner tries to make it happen. The detective decides after leaving that he will sneak back later that evening.

Mark, meanwhile, is rooting through his family's attic with Sarah, searching for some sort of clues that his grandfather may have left concerning waxworks. (Because, really, who doesn't have volumes and volumes of personal diaries written by our late relatives about turn-of-the-18th-century sideshow attractions?) Sarah finds a book about the Marquis de Sade and gets a little too into it. Mark finds some old newspaper articles and decides that they, too, need to go back to the waxworks that night, but all sneaky-like.

That night, the detective comes back and is almost immediately shoved into an Egyptian display, where he is attacked by a mummy and dumped into a sarcophagus to die.

Safe! Or are they?!
(No. No, they're not.)
Mark and Sarah show up not long after, and each get pulled into different exhibits. Sarah ends up getting whipped (and enjoying it just a bit too much, if you ask us), and Mark ends up in a Night of the Living Dead sort of thing, where he realizes that none of the monsters can do anything to him if he refuses to believe in them. Seriously. That's how it works.

Will he escape and rescue Sarah before she is whipped, either to death or to orgasm? Will Mark be able to save anyone who comes after them? Will this movie ever stop happening? You'll have to tune in to find out...

Jake picked this, and even he isn't sure why. He thinks that, in the hands of a more competent director, this could have been a great movie. The jury is still out on that. He also has issues with the historical accuracy of the Marquis...There's a lot of important details missing from that one.

Derek thinks this is a stupid movie, and he's glad he didn't go on Twitter and tell Zach Galligan they were watching it. Zach doesn't need that kind of negativity in his life. The one scene Derek thinks works the best is the Night of the Living Dead scene. Why wasn't the rest of the movie like that?

Larry also feels this movie was a festering celluloid turd. He did, however, think some of the gore was well done. His belief that the werewolf was a good one is questioned by the others, but he stands by his convictions, no matter how incredibly wrong they may be.

So put on your most 80s clothes and check out this week's episode!

May 22, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody!

Penguins. Sure, they're  always so serious and formal, what with being dressed in evening wear all the time, but they can also be funny.

F'rinstance, this photo-realistic drawing of one.
And that's why I've got some penguin GIFs for this week's post. Now let's get on with it...

*****

Last Sunday was Mothers' Day, and, if you're a mother, I hope you had a nice one. And if you aren't, well, I hope you showed your mom the love she deserves, what with all she went through to carry you into this world and all...


Myself, I wasn't able to do much because I worked all day. But, as my mother passed away almost 17 years ago, I don't think she minded.

Hey, guys! Look...a girl!
So...funny story...It turns out that Angry Orange, in an attempt to impress Russian handlers visitors (including the guy who seems to be at the center of all the current controversy), who were visiting him in the Oval Office, decided to give them some top secret information that they had no right to be seeing.


Needless to say, a lot of people on both sides of the aisle were a little upset, which in turn caused an independent council to be named, adding to the growing number of investigations into Russia's tampering with the 2016 election, as well as any other stuff they happened to have their fingers in. (Which is turning out to be a lot more than it was initially thought.)

And, once again, observant folks on the interwebs have noticed what is an ongoing trend with Angry Orange's actions versus his past tweets.


(Incidentally, if you haven't read any of Chuck's Star Wars novels, I highly recommend them.)

I'm not drunk! You're the one who's drunk!
And, in the continuing story of former FBI Director James Comey, it turns out that he kept meticulous notes about his interaction with Angry Orange and shared them with others, much to the chagrin of anyone who swore up and down that Comey's version was totally wrong. And Comey finally agreed to speaking with congress after they offered him the chance to do so in testimony that will be open to the public, rather than the closed-door session they initially offered.


When those notes go public, it's gonna make Angry Orange look even worse. And that in itself is a thing, because everyday I wake up and think, "He couldn't possibly do anything stupider than the last thing he did." And then he goes and proves me wrong. And I'm nopt the only one, it seems, who feels that the level of stupid is growing and growing...


Personally, I would have chosen something a little stronger.

So majestic...
And finally, not contented with looking ridiculous in Crocs, man-buns, and sagging skinny jeans, men have come up with yet another item of clothing that is almost certainly guaranteed to keep them from ever seeing the inside of a vagina again.


And no, I will not post a picture of them. If you need to know, google it yourself.

They basically are their own sitcoms.
And then there were tweets! So many tweets from the denizens of Twitter! So let's have a look at some of them, shall we? In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to help it along, here's a great clip from Impractical Jokers were Sal Vulcano can't stop losing his shit:


All the best,
Derek and Bosco

May 17, 2017

Mac & Me

To listen to this week's episode, click here!


This week, the guys sat down to watch a movie that Derek had been threatening to bring out for quite some time: 1988's Mac & Me, the story of a young, wheelchair-bound child and the creepy baby alien made of foreskin that befriends him. Sort of.

There may be a tiny bit of attempted murder, too.
When an unmanned Earth spacecraft lands on a distant planet to collect soil and rock samples, it is discovered by a group of beings that get their beverages directly from the ground with straws. None of them are wearing clothes, and they all look gross, half-formed fetuses.

When the youngest of the group gets too close to the ship, its automatic vacuum sucks up the critter, along with its family, and then lifts off and heads back to Earth.

When it lands, they all climb out, causing much consternation and yelling from scientists, mysterious suit-wearing government guys, and a number of heavily-armed soldiers. They all escape, although the youngest dives into the back of a VW Microbus, while the others stumble into the desert.

The van belongs to the Cruise family: Janet (Christine Ebersole), and her sons, Michael (Jonathan Ward), and wheelchair-bound Eric (Jade Calegory). They are moving to Sacremento to start a new life. (There is little-to-nothing that explains what was so awful about their old life, except that the kids' dad was possibly the Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World". The guys have their own theories.) Apparently, this new life involves a new home they can't afford, a new job at Sears for Janet, a weird hippie girl, Debbie (Lauren Stanley), who lives next door with her sister Courtney (Tina Caspery) and their mother (Laura Waterbury), and an unblinking, taint skin-based alien that destroys everything they own and (inadvertently?) tries to kill Eric.

As far we know.
Eric and Debbie discover the alien when Eric chases it and falls over a cliff into a pond of standing water, and the alien rescues him. Then they bring Michael into the fold, who suggests they tell their mother about it. However, when they try, she chalks it up to them just being weird and continues as though some potentially life-threatening alien entity is not trying to pick off her kids one by one.

While this is going on, the suit-wearing government guys are searching for the aliens, and almost immediately figure out that one of them is living with the Cruise family. How did this happen so quickly? Did Debbie sell them out to the Feds? We just don't know!

Before the Feds can move in and take the alien away, Eric and Debbie dress it like a teddy bear and take it to McDonald's for an inexplicably large and rowdy birthday party (which is also attended by the Ronald McDonald), where it steals other kids' fries and then leads them in a dance party--an impressive feat, considering Mac could barely walk due to it being a poorly-made animatronic puppet.

Never. Stops. Being. Funny.
The Feds show up and try to get Mac, but Eric gets him out of there and runs him through someone's backyard, where they run into a clothesline and Mac ends up with old lady underpants on his head. Then Michael, who has gathered Debbie and Courtney into the Microbus, grabs the two of them and they make for the desert, where Mac indicates the rest of his family are.

Will they get there before the Feds catch them? Will anybody explain why the aliens have nipples on top of their heads? How about why Eric was totally okay with being endangered by this walking skin tag? Will someone, for the love of God, put some pants on these aliens?!? You'll have to listen to find out!

Derek hated everything about this movie. He was especially concerned for Eric's safety, as well as that of the actor who played him. He was also fascinated by the alien father, who was clearly very, very drunk, but it made for some good jokes. Also, he hated the excessive product placement.

Jake was the only one who had seen this movie before...and yet, HE DIDN'T WARN ANYBODY! He was also concerned about Eric, although he thought the "falling off the cliff" scene was one of the funniest things he had ever seen. He wanted to see the aliens turn into Xenomorphs.

Larry thinks everyone in this movie is an idiot, and the whole thing should never be shown to human being ever again. He is upset that Michael likes to poke aliens in the eye to get their attention. He is also kinda hot for Courtney...BUT NOT DEBBIE, despite how Derek edited it to sound like he is.

So grab a Coke, get some Skittles, stuff that Big Mac in your food hole, and check out this week's episode!

May 15, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Holy monkey! What a week, huh? And I want to get into all that right away. But first, I want to tell you all that I went back to the bottomless well of weirdness that is Japan, choosing this time to have a look at some of their game shows for this week's GIFs. I don't know the context for any of them, but the clips pretty much speak for themselves.

As for what they are saying, you're on your own.
Anyway, it was a terrible, no-good, very bad week for Angry Orange last week, starting with the announcement that Sally Yates was going to testify before the Senate's Investigative Committee concerning the whole Michael Flynn thing. He was a little concerned, obviously, because he waited 18 days before firing Flynn, despite Yates warning him and others in the White House that Flynn had accepted money from Russia. Instead, he fired Yates, ostensibly because she refused to back his unconstitutional travel ban.

When he realized she might say something that could make him look bad, he did what he usually does; he tried to distract away from that and also cast doubt on Yates herself.

If I had to guess, you should check with your W.H. Counsel.
First, he tweeted that on his personal account, and then, as you can see above, he put it on the official presidential account.


However, Yates was not to be swerved from telling her side of the story. And she did exactly that.


In fact, she said a lot of stuff that makes no doubt made Angry Orange yell at his television a lot. Since I have no urge to post the entire appearance, here's a detailed and entertaining rundown of what happened, as posted in real-time by Eric Garland:


And that was just the beginning of the week!

Reporters try to get past the Press Office so they can ask Sean Spicer questions.
Next came the rather sudden and surprising firing of FBI Director James Comey. You might remember him as the guy who, not very long before the election, came forward and said they were reopening the investigation into Hillary Clinton's e-mails because some were found on Anthony Weiner's laptop. (They all turned out to be a great big zero, and many were concerned that the whole thing was just Comey trying to screw over Clinton. Personally, I was on the fence, but I thought that, whether intended or not, he really put the screws to her.)


Anyway, Comey was dropped like a bad habit, and it seems nobody told Angry Orange's staff why or anything. But not to worry! He had a story ready! It turned out that he was doing along with the advice of Jeff Sessions and Rod Rosenstein! So that fixes everything, right?


Oh. Well, shit.

Okay, okay...Not to worry! Things were still pretty straightforward. Trump wasn't doing this to slow down the current FBI investigation into his campaign's contacts with Russian spies or anything! It was because of the horrible, mean things that Comey did to Clinton during the election.

Seriously. They said that. Well, they said that after Sean Spicer stopped hiding among the Rose Garden shrubbery.

So that explained it all. There was no sketchy fuckery going on, and Comey was let go because he handled the Clinton investigation poorly. Nothing to worry about.

It's right about 1:09 into the clip, if you want to skip past.

Oh...

I'm sure this is some kind of metaphor or something.
So now, the search is on for a new FBI Director. And while a lot of names are being bandied about, I thought this little exchange was entertaining:


And then Angry Orange threatened to release audio tapes of the conversation he had with Comey when he invited the Director to the White House for dinner. Well, then it came out that Angry Orange asked Comey to pledge his loyalty, and Comey was all, "I think not, dude." At that point, Comey says, he knew his days were numbered. And he was right.

But now, he's getting a lot more attention because people are calling for him to talk to the Senate, but he won't do it until it's in an open forum, because he wants the public to know what happened. Angry Orange is not gonna be happy about that.

I think it will go a little something like this. Guess who is who in this scenario.

Oh, and one other thing: As I write this, it is being reported that, when Angry Orange had Russians in the Oval Office last week (where he allowed Russian photographers but not the ones from the U.S. press), it turns out he bragged about some of the extremely classified information he is given. AND HE SHOWED IT TO THEM.

Why has he not been impeached yet? Oh...Right...Because the GOP are spineless assholes who care about nothing more than pushing their destructive agenda through. My bad. I should have remembered.

I don't know what or why this is, but I wanna do it.
And then there were tweets...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And hope we don't get blown to smithereens before Friday. To help that along, here's a Star Wars version of "Bohemian Rhapsody":


I'm outta here...


All the best,
Derek and Bosco

May 10, 2017

Larry's List Extravaganza!

To listen to this week's episode, click here!


This week, rather than watch a movie, Larry wanted to play some Cards Against Humanity and have Derek and Jake take part in what can only be called Larry's List Extravaganza!"

There were four lists: Comedy, Horror, Science Fiction, and the oddly specific 80s Action Movies. Each of the guys wrote their own lists, and then all three took breaks during the game to read their lists.

See? With words and everything!
Along the way, the guys learned a few things. Such as...

1. Just what is Derek's limit when playing Cards Against Humanity?
2. What did Jake's relatives bring to the New World with them?
3. Is there anything Larry won't read out loud?
5. What is Derek's Favorite card?
6. What happened to #4?
7. What will Jake look like as an old man?

Elderly Al Borland from Home Improvement!
8. What would Larry look like as a girl?

A female Gelfling from The Dark Crystal!
9. Will the novelty of FaceApp ever wear off for Derek? (God, we hope so...)

Don't hold your breath.
10. How many more of these damn things are we going to list?
11. And, of course, what is next week's movie?

So download this week's episode and find out the answers to all these questions and so much more!

May 9, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

And we're back!

Hi, everybody! It's time for another thrilling list of thrilling funny tweets designed to delight and, of course, thrill you! Because, let's be honest; everybody needs a little lift now and again. To put it another way, sometimes you're the dog having fun on the trampoline, and sometimes you're this guy:

Ironically, he named the dog Life.
So, in an attempt to not be that guy (unless that's your thing...no judgements), let's get started.

Last week, Angry Orange started off his second one hundred days by claiming that the hundred days thing was just some arbitrary garbage that nobody cared about at all, like his tax returns and and his gutting of Obamacare and forcing-through of his bullshit replacement "healthcare" bill before the Congressional Budget Office scored it and his possible collusion with Russia to win the election and his staff potentially being infiltrated by those same Russians and possibly blackmailed with information gathered while illegally meeting with one of their guys but he ignored it and fired the woman who warned him about it because she had the outright nerve to refuse to enforce his illegal and unconstitutional Muslim ban and go around being a woman with opinions! You know--nothing major, right?

Well, it turns out that some folks were a tiny bit upset about all of that, and so much more, and they took to the Twitter Machine to vent about it.

But it seems that Stephen Colbert, formerly host of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, and current host of CBS's The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, may have taken it a tiny bit too far:

Personally, I don't see the problem, but the FCC is looking into it. Odds are nothing will come of it, and it shouldn't. Colbert is a comedian. This is what he does for a living. And since when are they suddenly so sensitive? Aren't we folks on the Left supposed to be the "delicate snowflakes who need a safe space"?

Anyway, they are wanting their guys to boycott Colbert, which will work as well as it did for Kellogg's, Hamilton: The Musical, Starbucks, and whatever other silly-ass stuff they wanted to show who's boss. (SPOILER: It's not them.)

METAPHOR!
And not only is it Angry Orange that people are sick of; the rest of his trained monkeys are not faring much better.

Also, his pals in the House made a spectacle of half-assing their way to victory on their so-called healthcare bill. (Fun Fact: It still has to go to the Senate, and those guys have basically already said, "Fuck that shit. This is garbage. We're writing our own for you assholes to look at.")

So, basically, it's dead in the water. Again. But that didn't stop them from celebrating.

Idiots.

Dramatic interpretation of the Trumpcare Bill
As for myself, I was disappointed by the failure of things to meet my expectations in life.

And I tried to do my best in the kitchen, but it clearly wasn't good enough.

And, as always, I had questions...

But I got to see my son, Nigel, who drove up from Tennessee! We played with FaceApp. Fun was had. I was terrifying.

Nigel was in town on his way to go to his sister Vaughn's graduation from Michigan State University!

Shown here with her proud mom!
 That three years appear to have just whizzed right by, because it feels like it was only a couple weeks ago she was sending me texts to tell me she had been accepted by five or six or seven different colleges. (This originally said it took four years, but Vaughn corrected me. Besides, doing it in three years is even more impressive!)

Anyway, congratulations, Vaughn! I love you and I'm so very proud of you!

To be clear, she's the kid in this metaphor, not the car..
And then there were tweets! So I grabbed a handful and threw them over here! Enjoy!

And there you have it. Now get out there and have a great week. To help it along, I didn't grab a video this week. But let this dog on a trampoline be your inspiration!

Have fun, dammit!
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

May 3, 2017

Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood

To download and listen to this week's episode, click here!



(A note from Derek: This week, we're trying a new format. As I mentioned during last week's show, I wanted to record while we were watching the movie, that way the listener doesn't miss out on all the ridiculous stuff we say that doesn't get mentioned when we record after. And let's be honest; the main reason we do this is so we can make fun of the movies.

That said, we still talk about the cast, the budget, the box office, etc., and there are still segments like Inside My Head, but they're just before and after we watch the movie. In between, there might be some spots where we aren't saying anything, but you can sort of hear the movie in the background. This is because we're a super low-budget show, and we lack the necessary equipment to just record isolate our voices.

We would really like to hear what you have to say about this new format. Is it better? Worse? Too much of a pain because you'll probably need to watch as you listen? Feel free to let us know. Is it something that's kind of cool once in a while? Or does it anger you? Let us know, either in the comments section here, or on our Facebook page, or our Twitter timelines. But make sure to send the angry replies to Larry. I'm very delicate and my feelings get hurt easily. And, as always, thank you for listening!)


Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway discuss strategy.
This week, the guys sat down to watch the drug and/or alcohol-fueled half-assedness of Dennis Miller's performance in Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood. And, as mentioned above, they recorded the show differently,so you get to hear all the unscripted jokes and jabs they made during the movie. (Yeah, because the usual show is so scripted...) While they suggest that maybe the DVD of the movie might be needed to fully enjoy it, they wouldn't want to put any of you out by making you have to buy the movie. (Except @redtache, who appears to be on a mission to own all of the films they make fun of...and good for him!)

So much cocaine, you guys.
Anyway, we're not going to go through the whole storyline (or multitude thereof) in great detail here. Instead, here's a brief synopsis:

Some little person version of Indiana Jones (Phil Fondacaro) finds a mysterious key somewhere in an isolated jungle. This seems completely unrelated to anything else in the movie.

Meanwhile when Katherine Verdoux's (Erika Eleniak) brother, Caleb (Corey Feldman!), goes missing while out partying with his friends, private detective Rafe Guttman more or less insinuates himself into the case, despite Katherine's complete disinterest in even being in the same room with him. (A reasonable response to Dennis Miller.)

"I smell vicodin and whiskey and failure...
Oh, god...He's right behind me, isn't he?"
When Rafe discovers Caleb was last seen entering a whorehouse, Katherine is even less interested in finding her brother. (Again, this is also a reasonable reaction to Corey Feldman.) However, Rafe believes there's something sketchy going on, and takes a trip to the aforementioned house of ill repute, where he is shoved into a coffin, pushed into an oven, and emerges unscathed and surrounded by giant, fake tits all over the place. He also meets Lilith (Angie Everhart), who appears to be running the place, and also had enormous breasts.

Exhibit A (for "Angie"!) displaying her deft wit against Dennis goddamn Miller.
As you may have guessed from the above photo, the place is not only infested, but is controlled by vampires! And they take in customers to either use as food, or turn into coworkers...? And what could be worse for a place of negotiable affection than some douchey televangelist asshole showing up and throwing cold water over your murder boner?

The answer is Chris Sarandon as Reverend Current, that douchey televangelist asshole!

This man has never touched a guitar in his life.
There's only a 23% chance he'd ever seen one before this moment.
However, once he gets to look at some plastic boobies, he decides the "join the team" (i.e., try to get an employee discount), and finds out almost too late about the vampire part.

Oh, and remember Caleb? Same deal, but he seems to be adapting to it well. Of course, he's already adapted to being Corey Feldman, and if that didn't kill him...

Did you learn nothing from being in The Lost Boys, Corey?
Will Rafe, Current, and Katherine make it out alive? What about Caleb? Lilith? Any of the nameless bare-breasted hookers? (The guys were really pulling for them, to be honest.) Tun in to find out!

Ann Coulter seems okay with the ending.
Jake picked this. And, as poorly-acted as this film was, he argues that this is the sort of thing you should expect from Dennis Miller and Corey Feldman. They were either recovering from or in the throes of a drug/alcohol problem, and were still working. But the movie is good, dumb fun.

Larry thought it was pretty awful. He also thought the cast acted terribly, and wants someone to be held accountable for Dennis Miller being cast as the lead in a movie. But he also offers kudos to Miller because he actually manages to be more lucid and coherent than he ever was on SNL.

Derek agrees that this is stupid fun, but still questions the casting choices. There was some debate as to whether Corey Feldman was on drugs at the time or recovering, but then it was realized that nobody gives a shit. Corey Feldman should have known better. Hell, Angie Everhart should have known better.

So crawl out of your coffin, fire up the VCR, and listen to this week's show while you watch the movie!

May 1, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Well, another week has come and gone, and we are still, surprisingly, here. But that's not for a lack of trying on Angry Orange's part. We'll get to him in just a minute.

First, I want to mention that we're rockin' more GIFs from the strange people of Japan. Why? Because I enjoy looking at them on Google, without description, and trying to figure out the context. I have yet to come up with any reasonable explanations yet. Case in point:

Seriously...What the hell am I looking at here?
Anyway...Angry Orange spent most of this week trying to convince us that the who "First 100 Days" thing is irrelevant and arbitrary, all the while pushing anyone he can to get something--anything--done that he can take credit for. Because pickings are lookin' pretty slim right now.


At the same time, there was a march in favor of science. Well, mostly, it was a climate march, but still...this is science, people. Not some sort of unicorn poop-based voodoo. Let that sink in for a moment. And then go search for the hilarious signs the marchers made, as well as what people had to say about the whole thing.


This is what happens when you mix brains with snark. Keep it up, folks.

And this...Well, shit. I dunno. But the little doggy is adorable.
It's enough to really bring you down, if you let it. And that's why we cannot let it. There are ways to stay cheerful through all this asshattery, and there are, of course, plenty of people willing to share it.


To those who keep the funny coming, you have my eternal thanks.

But this...this has taken my soul...
In hysterically funny news, Fyre Festival happened to a bunch of rich asshole kids. Basically, Ja Rule, who I am assured is a real person, hosted a concert festival, and he and the promoters promised luxury accommodations, professionally catering, and the best music 1998 had to offer. For this, festival goers paid between $4000 and $12,000, on average.

Unfortunately, what they got was disaster tents, cold cheese sandwiches, looting, wild dogs, and fires. While these sound like they are terrible things to happen to anyone, it could have been worse; Blink-182 was supposed to headline, so those poor little rich kids could have ended up sitting through an entire Blink-182 concert, featuring their hit song, All The Small Things,,,, and a bunch of other songs that aren't All The Small Things... Nobody wins when that happens.


Along with these tweets, there were also roughly 267,872 variants of "The cops have heard 'Do you know who my father is?' so much this weekend,"

This should explain it better.
As for me, I did it again, you guys...I may have given away too much personal information about myself.


I also said what we were all thinking when Gwyneth Paltrow decided to force her Goop on an unsuspecting public.


And I needed to know the answer to a very important question.


No response yet, but I remain optimistic.

"I can haz murder and destruction?"
And then there were tweets. I'll admit, I got a bit behind this past week, but I was able to cobble together a great list of funny people. Let's have a look, shall we?


And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to help it along, here's a parody song from interweb sensation @Dreamweasel! Go follow him!


All the best,
Derek and Bosco

April 26, 2017

Forbidden Planet

To download, right-click here and choose, "Save file as..."


Once again, Derek has pulled the guys back from the abyss of nearly unwatchable movies, and after having to endure the awful Karate Kid III last week, they needed the palate cleanser that is 1953's Forbidden Planet, starring Walter Pidgeon, Anne Francis, Leslie Nielsen, and a bunch of other white guys in grey pantsuits. Oh, and it also stars a relative of the B-9 robot from Lost In Space, Robbie the Robot.

The Future!
Good news, everyone! It's The Future!!! The 22nd Century, in fact. And not only has man achieved interstellar space travel, but he has colonized other planets! Including the distant world of Altaire IV, the destination of United Planets cruiser C57D, where they are going to relieve the crew of the Bellerophon expedition, which landed there twenty years ago.

When they reach the planet and attempt to make contact, they are greeted by a crotchety old man, Dr. Morbius (Walter Pidgeon), who tells them everything is fine and they should just go away and leave him alone. The ship's commander, Commander Adams (Leslie Nielsen), is having no part of that, and he insists that they land and have a look around the place, just to make sure everything's okay. Morbius reluctantly agrees and gives them coordinates where they can land their ship.

"And where can I put my weiner in this thing?"
Once they land, they are greeted by Robbie, a large, clunky robot who reminds some people (not naming names...yet; this is how we build suspense) of the Michelin Man. He takes them to see Morbius. Adams takes the ship's doctor, Lieutenant Ostro (Warren Stevens), along with him in case anybody from the Bellerophon needs medical treatment or folksy advice.

When they arrive at Morbius' residence, they find only him. When they question him about it, he explains that something killed almost the entire crew, except for him and his wife, who died later of natural causes, and then it never came back. Naturally suspicious, Adams insists that he and his crew hang around for a bit to make sure there's nothing sketchy going on. This decision is immediately thought to be the best idea ever when Morbius' daughter, Altaira (Anne Francis) makes an appearance, looking young, vibrant, and leggy. This being the 1953 version of The Future!!!, every single male who comes in contact with her suddenly becomes a drooling horndog that wants to smash their gross, sweaty naughty bits against her innocent, virginal naughty bits.

Saaaaayyyy...
After reeling in Dr. Ostro, Adams very strongly insists they stay to make sure whatever killed the rest of the Bellerophon's crew is truly gone. Much to the disappointment of Morbius, Adams says that building the weapons and radar they need to search the whole planet would involve taking apart most of their ship. Hoping to move things along a little faster, Morbius offers up Robbie's services as a fabricator to help make up some of the materials they need. He then gives them a tour of an alien laboratory built into the core of the planet, and explains that there is a computer that he is trying to learn to work. You know, like you do with mysterious alien technology. Everything will probably be just fine.

While delivering some of the shielding they need the next day, Robbie meets Cookie (Earl Holliman), the ship's cook, who immediately devises a plan to have Robbie make some booze for him. Robbie, wanting to be helpful, offers to make up 60 gallons, and Cookie quietly soils himself with joy.

"And where can I put my weiner in this thing?"
At the same time, one of the other crewmen (possibly Richard Anderson...?) is hanging out in the woods, trying to convince Altaira that what she really needs is for him to try and ram his tongue down her throat, which he does, only to be given the weenie-shrinking response that it's not doing anything for her. Before he can further attempt to molest her and leave her for dead in the forest, Commander Adams catches them and lectures Altaira about going around lookin' all woman-y. Suitably angered and, just possibly, aroused, she storms back to the house and insists Robbie make her what sounds like a burka, judging by her description.

Meanwhile, Adams and his crew test out the new weapons they built by shooting some defenseless rocks. Cookie goes to meet Robbie and pick up his order, and when he returns, something follows him, sneaking on to the ship and killing one of the crewmen. Adams, somewhat upset by this, insists that a perimeter fence is built so they will have some kind of warning if it happens again.

Cookie ends up dead, and this time, the something tries to break through the perimeter, causing the fences to shock it while Adams and his crew ineffectually shoot at it. It doesn't hurt the creature, but it does cause it to go away after killing a few more crew members. Adams decides he needs to check on Morbius and Altaira, and he once again takes the doctor along for the ride.

It is not a small , like they first believed.
When they arrive, Robbie won't let them in, but Altaira overrides her father's order. She leads them to his study, where he finds them looking through his papers. Just then, the critter appears and starts destroying the house, so they take refuge in the lab, leaving poor Robbie to have to deal with whatever it is that is trying to eat all of them.

Will our intrepid crew survive? Will Robbie defeat the monster? Will Adams just give in and admit that he wants to bump uglies with Altaira, just like the rest of his men do? And what is Morbius hiding? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek picked this one, because he felt the other guys were starting to think he only liked garbage movies. This is definitely not one of those. He will fight anyone who claims otherwise, as well as anyone who disparages Robbie. He says so over and over.

Jake was prepared to hate-fuck this movie into oblivion, having never seen it before. But he was pleasantly surprised to find himself enjoying it, despite Morbius' decidedly handsy approach to his own daughter. That dude has some issues. Jake wants a reboot. He is wrong.

Larry was also pleasantly surprised by the quality ofthe film, especially considering how old it is. He's also disturbed by the affection Morbius projects toward his daughter, but he is more upset by Robbie's design, believing the robot looks like the Michelin man. (See?) He also wants a reboot. He is also wrong.

So get your pantsuit, load up your "Pew-pew-pew" gun, and check out this week's episode!