August 19, 2017

Young Guns II

To listen/download, click here!


Once again, the guys had to put off Sharknado 5 (Egad...Who knew we would get that far?) because one of them wasn't able to make it to the recording. So, because Larry had to work, Derek and Jake sat down to watch the follow-up to 1988's Young Guns.

Yoohoo...I'm make you appreciate my brother more...
Young Guns II: Electric Boogaloo takes up a year after the events of the first film. It begins in the late 1940s, with an elderly man called "Brushy Bill" Roberts (Emilio Estevez) meeting with lawyer Charles Phalen (Bradley Whitford) out in the desert of New Mexico, where he reveals to the lawyer that he is actually Billy the Kid. Phalen, naturally, is dubious, knowing that the Kid was supposedly killed by Pat Garrett back in 1881, so he asks what proof the man has, which begins our story...

A year after the Lincoln County War which led to Billy the Kid and his fellow Regulators becoming wanted men, Billy is still out there running around, being an asshole, and hanging out with Pat Garrett (William Peterson) and "Arkansas" Dave Rudabaugh (Christian Slater), shooting people, and rustling cattle.

Guuuurrrrrrrllll!
When word gets back to Billy that Governor Lew Wallace (Scott Wilson) wants to meet with him to discuss a pardon in exchange for Billy's testimony against the Murphy-Dolan men whom he fought against in the Lincoln County War, Billy begins to think it over because it is getting less and less safe for him to stick around Fort Sumner, where even some of the townspeople have tried turning on him, not to mention constant searches from the army.

He meets with Wallace, who agrees to Billy's terms, and then takes him into protective custody before the trial. District Attorney Rynerson (R.D. Call), however, has a different plan and, being the one who chooses who will testify and who won't, tells Billy he won't be allowed on the bench, and wil therefore be hanged for his crimes.

Naturally upset, Billy escapes and heads back to Fort Sumner.

In New York, former Regulator "Doc" Scurlock (Kiefer Sutherland) is now a teacher who is trying to forget about all the things that happened. Unfortunately, he is not given much time, as a group of sheriff's deputies come and collect him to bring back to Lincoln.

When he gets there, he is thrown into a pit and attacked by a bunch of Murphy men who have also been arrested, only to be saved by his old friend, Jose Chavez y Chavez (Lou Diamond Phillips), who comforts Doc with stories about how quickly he will die when he is hanged, and then the Spirit Horse will come for him. What a pal!

However, before they can be hanged, a lynch mob shows up and takes them, only to reveal themselves as Billy, Pat, Dave, and a few friends. When the real lynch mob shows up, the guys get out of town and head back to the fort so they can gather more men and head down to Mexico on the Mexican Blackbird, a broken trail leading there. Doc doesn't want to go, but Billy--and a number of lynch mob guys who followed them--convince him that maybe he ought to give it a try.

Dave, for his part, acts like a dildo, thus filling in for the late "Dirtface"
from the first film.
When only one man--Hendry William French (Alan Ruck)--shows up to join the gang, Billy also enlists a young homeless boy named Tom O'Folliard (Balthazar Getty) to round out the group with a sympathetic character that can be killed-off when the movie starts to make Billy look like the dickweed he is.

More bad news comes when Pat announces that he isn't going with them this time, choosing instead to stay at Fort Sumner and open a restaurant. Billy tries to convince him that coming with the gang is the smart thing, but Pat is having no part of it. The gang heads out to see about getting some money for their trip.

They end up on the ranch of John Chisum (James Coburn), John Tunstall's partner before the Lincoln County War. Chisum, not especially happy to see Billy, basically tells them to get bent when he is told by Billy that he owes them $500 for the fighting they did, as well as for not stealing his cattle. When Chisum continues to refuse, Billy says he will kill one of Chisum's men for every five dollars he "owes" them, and then immediately has two of Chisum's men killed.

After the confrontation with Chisum, Billy and his men decide to steal a bunch of Chisum's cattle and sell them, thus gaining the money they felt they were owed.

Meanwhile, Garrett, now an "honest" man, is contacted by Chisum, Wallace and Ryerson, who offer him the position of Lincoln County Sheriff, a $500 reward, and more money when he brings back Billy, dead or alive. Pat buys some new clothes and gathers his posse together, including Poe (Viggo Mortensen) and a writer named Upson (Jack Kehoe), whom Pat has hired to document his search for Billy.

Poe, like Dave, is also a dildo, but not as fun.
The rest of the movie is basically the hunt for Billy. Tom is killed by Garrett (remember what we said earlier about him?), and the rest of the gang end up hiding behind a couple of rock walls, where Billy finally admits to the rest of the gang that the Mexican Blackbird is not a trail to Mexico, and he had no intention of going there because he would just be another nameless man in Mexico. Doc, reasonably upset, decides he's had enough and walks out. This turns out to be a bad idea.

Chavez! Chavez, they shot my Fruit Gushers and I bit my lip!
The place is surrounded by Garrett and his men, who have exactly zero interest in letting this fight go on any longer.

Doc, already certain to die, runs out with guns drawn to distract Garrett's men while the others escape. It's not a clean escape, as Chavez gets shot, and Billy is captured. Again. But this time, he goes on trial and is sentenced to be hanged.

Will Billy escape again? Will Chavez survive? Will Garrett's mustache regrow and overtake his entire face, making him look like Jojo, the Dog-faced Boy?

Will Brushy Bill ever look and sound like he's not pooping himself when he talks?
 You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake is a big fan of this movie. He loves the soundtrack, too. And very specific lines from the film. He's also a huge Joss Whedon fan. Like, really huge. If he loves Joss Whedon so much, he oughta just marry him. Jeez.

Derek is also a big fan of the film. It mixes a nice blend of comedy and drama, as well as a nice visual look. He digs Joss Whedon, too, and is willing to finally admit that Firefly was a pretty good show, and what Joss has done with Marvel is great. But not like Jake. Seriously, dude...get a room...

August 15, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody.

I'm going to be honest here; I really did not feel like doing a tweet post this week because, quite frankly, last week was a shitty one. It started with the threat of nuclear war, and it went downhill from there (is that even possible?!?), ending with the murder of a woman in Virginia who thought white supremacy is bad.

This woman, Heather Heyer, was murdered in an act of domestic terrorism,
by a white supremacist named James Alex Fields.
I spent most of the weekend being pissed-off, and getting even angrier when the man who is supposed to be our "leader" waited two whole days before addressing what happened, and when he finally did, it was the most tepid, half-assed response he could muster. It took two more statements and a lot of pressure before he had the sac to step up and say that these Nazi fucktards were bad. Two days went by before he said that. And it was plainly obvious to anyone watching him read his prepared statement from a teleprompter--mind you, this is a guy who has no problem attacking people off-the-cuff who disagree him, but he needs a written statement to say white supremacists are bad--that he did not agree with a single word of it.

And then, when he wasn't lavished with praise for finally saying what he should have said long ago, he threw a hissy fit on Twitter, blaming the media for people not being happy with his bland, disinterested delivery.

So, as I said, I didn't want to do a list this week. But then I realized that is what people like him and his base of disgusting supporters want. Not from me, specifically; odds are none of them know or give a shit who I am. What they want is for people like me--people who think that racism and homophobia and xenophobia are bad, and you should treat people like you want to be treated--to give up. They want us to stop talking about them. They want us to stop pointing out how astoundingly stupid and wrong they are, and using actual real facts to prove it.

Not gonna happen.

So, while I am absolutely certain my little cavalcade of dick jokes that I put out every week will have exactly zero impact on those who don't agree with my views, I'd like to hope that someone who thinks that everything has gone completely to hell comes by here and finds a little oasis of funny that gives them a small smile or laugh so they can keep going and find a better day coming.

*****

So, as I said, the week started with Angry Orange and Kim Jung Un waving their nuclear dicks at each other.

North Korea launched another missile, this one reportedly able to carry a small nuclear warhead far enough to possibly hit the West Coast. Reactions were varied, although not unexpected. Most sane humans were very concerned that a tiny Korean Millennial was willing to have his small country turned into a glowing mass of melted goop in order to try proving that he was a big boy, despite looking like a chubby lesbian 'tween.

Not Angry Orange, though! No, the man who avoided military service with five deferments because of "bone spurs" (which don't seem to stop him from enjoying a lot of golf) decided to say that the U.S. was "locked and loaded" if North Korea tried anything.

L'il Kim, not impressed, offered to fire one at Guam, a U.S. territory, to prove he has a bigger winkie than the blustery orange shithead (this is probably true, but that's not the point), and the orange shithead pushed even harder.

Fortunately, the guys who actually do the blowing up of stuff said, "Ehhh...We're not going to do that," and basically told Angry Orange to stop saying stupid shit, and things appear to have possibly cooled off a little.

That didn't stop some great reactions from the folks on Twitter, though.


There were a lot of other great ones, and I would suggest looking for them, I'd have added more, but I wanted this post to be less than novel-length.

*****

The middle part of the week was surprisingly quiet because Angry Orange was in New Jersey on vacation, ostensibly because the Oval Office was being renovated--no doubt, they were fitting it with ridiculous and pointless gold garbage to appease the giant baby-man who last week called the White House a "dump".

Oh, he claimed it wasn't a vacation, but when photos of him on his golf course there starting cropping up, he stepped up and called it a "working vacation". Whatever, dude. You were fucking off and we all know it.

It was so uninteresting, in fact, that I didn't even bother to grab any tweets about it.

And then the weekend came...

*****

Friday night, a bunch of tiki torch-waving KKK and Nazi and Aryan Brotherhood douche nozzles went to Charlottesville, VA, claiming it was to protest the removal of a statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee. It should be noted that the statue's removal had been voted on by the city council, and it would have been moved from the park where it stood, to a museum.

So, a "protest" was organized in order to protect this "historical emblem of Southern heritage." (I just threw up in my mouth a little.) What it really was, as best as I can tell, was just another chance for those clowns to stir up some shit.

Emboldened by a "president" who cozied up to them, these dirtbags left their white hoods home, choosing instead to dress in the uniform of their hero: white polo shirts, khaki pants, Hitler Youth haircuts, and those stupid red hats.

Fortunately, that meant a lot of them had their pictures taken, and a guy who runs a Twitter account called @YesYoureRacist started posting those pictures, asking people to identify them and contact their friends, family, and employers. This worked quite well, and a number of them did, in fact, lose their jobs, and there's at least one whose family disowned him. Good times!

The lesson here is pretty simple:


If you recognize any of the people who haven't been identified yet, please let @YesYoureRacist know. Suck it, Nazis!

*****

The next day, the activities continued. Along with the death of Heather Heyer, 19 other people were injured when James Alex Fields plowed his car into a crowd of counter-protesters. Also, a guy named Deandra Harris was beaten with wooden planks and a metal post by a group of white supremacists not fifteen feet from the entrance of a police station.

But that doesn't mean the Nazis won:


When word came back to Angry Orange of stuff going on, he reacted exactly like I expected him to.


And that's when his own personal shitstorm started, culminating in being slapped down by retired Congressman John Dingell (from right here in Michigan).


Yes! A 91-year-old retired Congressman served a helping of "Go Fuck Yourself" to Angry Orange, and I believe his words!
*****

Over on Twitter, an account called @JuliusGoat posted a thread that you really should read all of. Please take a minute to do that. I'll wait.


*****

One last thing: Sometimes these guys only understand when their bullshit is turned right back around on them. A perfect example is the press conference where the asshat who organized the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville got so scared of the crowd shouting him down that he ran away like a little bitch.

Other times, mockery works.


You have a bigger arsenal to work with than they do, even without weapons. Do not let them take that away.

*****

Now...How about some tweets?

Despite the shitty beginning and end of the week, there were a lot of funny things said, and I grabbed some to show to you because that's just how my brain works. Let's have a look, shall we? In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and try to have a better week. Don't let these shitbags win.

I don't have a video this week, so I suggest finding one on your own to bring a smile to your face.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

August 10, 2017

Creepshow

To listen or download, click here!


This week, Jake couldn't be here for the show, so Derek and Larry sat down to watch the Stephen King/George Romero classic anthology, Creepshow!

The movie starts with a pre-credit sequence about a boy named Billy (Joe Hill). His dad (Tom Atkins) is unreasonably--violently, even--upset that Billy managed to somehow...buy a comic book. (*Gasp!*)

While Billy tries to stand his own ground, going so far as to point out that his comic book is no worse than the porno magazines his father keeps in his underwear drawer, the old man gets even angrier and smacks Billy around a bit, while Mom (Iva Jean Saracini) stands by and looks worried.

Porn, you say?
Then Billy tries a different tactic, going all soft and squishy with his dad, but to no avail. His father takes the comic book and throws it in the trash, where the wind picks it up and opens it to the first story! What are the odds?

Father's Day

It is Father's Day, and the family--Sylvia (Carrie Nye), Cass (Elizabeth Regan), Richard (Warner Shook), and Hank (Ed Harris)--are waiting for crazy Aunt Bedelia (Vivica Lindfors) to show up so they can eat ham.

While they wait, Sylvia tells Hank about the Father's Day that Bedelia killed her own father (E.G. Marshall); when Bedelia was younger, she fell in love with a man that her father did not approve of. As rich people tend to do (right?), her father had the man killed "accidentally" during a hunting trip. Bedelia was upset, naturally, and was even more upset when her father, who by this point was confined to a wheelchair, constantly badgered her about what a terrible daughter she was.

Finally fed up, Bedelia bashed the old man's head in with a marble ashtray.

Bedelia finally arrives, but before she goes to the house, she strolls out to her father's grave, where she drinks a bunch of whiskey and swears at his tombstone a lot, until he's heard enough, and he comes out of the ground to strangle her.

Mother of God, just shut up, will you?
After an hour, Hank goes outside to creatively light a match, and he sees movement in the graveyard, so he investigates. When he gets there, he finds the mostly-empty whiskey bottle, and, when he falls backwards into the now empty grave, Bedelia's body. He looks up to find Father standing over him, using the Force to make the pillar on the gravestone fall and crush Hank's head.

Sylvia checks on the maid in the kitchen, now concerned that the ham will be too dry from waiting too long--this family really likes its ham. What she finds instead is Father, who has killed the maid, stuffed her into the walk-in freezer, and found a knife. This can't end well for Sylvia.

After a further wait, in which Cass disco dances by herself while Richard slowly gets shitfaced, the two of them decide to see what the holdup is with the ham. (See?) They trudge into the kitchen...and what do they find?

The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill

Stephen King himself takes on the Oscar-worthy role of Jordy Verrill, a hillbilly loser who lives in rural Maine. (Which is, what? All of it?) One night, while out in the field behind his house, he sees a meteor crash further back in the field and goes to investigate.

What he finds is exactly that: a meteor. And, like any brain-damaged bumpkin would, he decides to take it to the museum and sell it. But when he tries to pick it up, he burns his fingers, causing a bunch of nasty looking blisters that, again, after touching a gross and mysterious meteor that fell from outer space, he immediately puts in his mouth and sucks on. Gross.

With daydreams of a bottomless payout (which, in this case, means about two hundred dollars), Jordy fetches some water to cool off the meteor so he can pick it up and put it in a bucket. Unfortunately, the cool water on the hot rock splits it in half, and a bunch of bright blue meteor jizz dribbles out of it.

Undaunted, Jordy throws the whole mess in a bucket and takes it inside, where he sits down with some Ripple and watches 'rasslin' until he notices something strange; on his fingers, where he touched the meteor, some sort of moss starts growing. Duly upset, he rushes to the kitchen and mixes up some vodka and orange juice. He knocks it back and dozes off.

Like any guy, he assumes if he ignores it, it will go away.
When he wakes up, he finds the moss has grown all over him (including, after a brief search, on his junk), and it itches. So he thinks that maybe a bath might fix it. However, a vision of his father (Bingo O'Malley) tells him that this might not be the wisest move, as water tends to make plants grow. However, Jordy ignores his dead father and hops into the tub.

Later the next day, Jordy is covered head-to-toe in moss. So is his house. He only wants it to end, so he reaches for his shotgun and hopes his luck turns in his favor for a change...

Something to Tide You Over

Richard (Leslie Nielsen) is a little upset with Harry (Ted Danson) when he finds out that Harry is having an affair with Becky (Gaylen Ross), Richard's wife.

When Richard goes to confront Harry, after checking Harry's cable connection, he tells Harry that, if he ever wants to see Becky again, he should come with him, so they go for a ride. Harry, to be honest, doesn't seem particularly sorry, although he does say that he and Becky were going to tell Richard.

Their final destination is the beach on Richard's property. When they come over a dune, Harry sees a pile of sand and runs to it, assuming that Richard has buried Becky there. However, it is just a big ol' hole, and Richard, holding a gun on him, tells Harry to get in it and pull the sand in behind him.

Finally buried up to his neck, Harry demands to see Becky, and Richard leaves for a bit so he can help that happen. When he comes back, he has run cable from his house's closed circuit video feed, and he sets a TV in front of Harry which shows Becky, somewhere further down the beach, also buried up to her neck, and the tide is coming in.

Richard tells Harry that, if he can hold his breath long enough, he could potentially survive, but Becky is panicking, so it looks like she's not going to make it. He then leaves Harry to whatever fate awaits him.

Back home, Richard watches as Harry is covered by the tide, and then returns to the beach to gather up the TV and cable. Oddly, he can't find Harry, but assumes he drowned and washed away with the tide.

Later, Richard has a shower, which is interrupted by noises out in the other part of the house. He grabs a gun and goes to check things out, and is confronted by Harry and Becky.

Or Glenn Danzig and the girl from The Ring.
They have plans for Richard out on the beach...

The Crate

A janitor (Don Keefer) at the local college finds a crate under some stairs while searching for a quarter he dropped. The crate has markings that suggest it was from an Arctic expedition back in 1834. He decides to call Professor Stanley (Fritz Weaver) so he can maybe have a look at it and figure out what the deal is with it.

Professor Stanley comes to the college and, with the help of the janitor, takes it into one of the labs so they can have a look at what's inside. Whatever it is grabs the janitor, drags him inside the crate, and eats him. Needless to say, Professor Stanley is a little upset, so he goes running outside and bumps into a student, who notices that the professor is covered in blood and babbling like a tongueless lunatic. When he goes back to the lab with the professor, the crate is missing.

A quick search reveals that the crate is back under the stairs, and the student starts to get a little nervous, possibly assuming that Professor Stanley offed the janitor himself. But when he goes inside the enclosure under the stairs, a huge claw comes out, followed by a large mouth with a bunch of needle-like teeth, and eats him.

By this point, Professor Stanley is a little upset, so he calls his friend and chess partner, Henry (Hal Holbrook), who is attending a party with his obnoxious and drunk wife, Wilma (Adrienne Barbeau). Glad for a chance to get away, he meets Professor Stanley back at his house and gets the whole story. Needless to say, he is dubious.

However, as a good friend, he has to see. He gives Professor Stanley a drink with a sleeping pill in it and, when he is asleep, sneaks out to check on this crate. What he finds is pretty much what his friend described: blood everywhere and the crate under the stairs.

He cleans up the mess and then, in a flash of creativity, calls his wife, telling her she needs to come down and talk to a student that Professor Stanley got pregnant and is hiding under the stairs. Wilma, who loves gossip and is absolutely horrible, agrees to come down.

When she gets there, Henry convinces her to go in the space where the crate is, and then starts pushing her against the crate, hoping the monster will get her.

Yer purty!
It does. But now, Henry has to figure out what to do with the crate...

They're Creeping Up On You

Remember the scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with all the bugs? It's like that, but with a cranky old guy (which is more Crystal Skull than Temple of Doom).

An elderly Troll doll!
That pretty much covers the whole story, really, aside from a subplot about a guy who killed himself because this guy took over his company. Really. That's it. Move along.

Epilogue

The next day, the garbage men come and take away the trash, including the comic book from the opening. One of the trash men (Marty Schiff) looks through the comic with the other (Tom Savini). Both joke about the different stuff you could order from comics, including a voodoo doll, the order form for which is missing.

Meanwhile, Billy's parents are downstairs, having breakfast, and waiting for Billy to come down. His dad complains about his sore neck, and then starts having spasms. Upstairs, Billy jabs another needle into his new voodoo doll...

Derek liked this flick, although some of the acting was WAY over the top. However, he realizes that it's a comic book-type movie, so you're gonna get that. He also thinks Stephen King should never act again. (Why bother when he has hit perfection already?)

Larry also likes it, although he feels it doesn't hold up well. After all, it came out in 1982. Still, there are some good scares, and he thinks Fluffy--the monster from "The Crate"--is just the coolest critter out there. He may very well be right.

So get out your comic books and listen to this week's episode!

August 8, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Welp, another week, another...er...seven days. I'll be honest; I almost didn't even bother with a list this week because there are just so many stories to write about. But I chose to forge ahead, because, if nothing else, I get to share some funny tweets from the great folks I follow on Twitter. And really, that's what this is all about.

Still, there's stuff happening, and I need to talk about it. I also want to reuse some of the Gary Busey and Nicolas Cage GIFs I've got laying around.

Let the healing begin.
As I mentioned last week, Anthony "Mooch" Scaramucci is out as Angry Orange's communications director. Turns out that calling reporters and going off on obscenity-filled tirades about your coworkers tends to turn off your boss--even the angry rotting pumpkin that currently squats in the White House. (He prefers to do that sort of thing himself.)


A lot of folks are speculating that the addition of General John Kelly--the new Chief of Staff brought in after Reince Priebus was given the boot--is what brought about Mooch's removal. I have my own theory, as do others.


One can only guess how the rest of the White House staff was reacting.


Yeah...That's...that's probably true.

Or like this. We just...don't...know!
Meanwhile, Angry Orange is considering Mooch's replacement, and the current frontrunner appears to be Forrest Gump simulacrum Stephen Miller. Nobody seems impressed.


Personally, I'll stick with the Gump references. Go ahead and look at him and picture him saying, "Why don't you love me, Jen-nay?"

Run, Forrest! Run!
Transcripts of phone calls Angry Orange made to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull were leaked last week, and neither of those ended up making him look good.

With Nieto, Angry Orange spent most of the call badgering him about saying that Mexico would not pay for the wall he wants to build along the border. And while Nieto kept insisting that, since Mexico had exactly zero intention of paying a single penny for it, Angry Orange kept demanding that Nieto had to stop saying that publicly because it was making him look bad.

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox has supported Nieto's stance very...enthusiastically.


The call with PM Turnbull didn't go much better when Angry Orange started complaining about a bunch of immigrants that former President Obama had agreed to take here, provided they pass vetting--a point that Angry Orange did not seem able to comprehend. He also kept referring to them as "prisoners", which they were not. Basically, he didn't want to do anything that President Obama had agreed to. And when Turnbull tried calmly explaining things to him, Angry Orange basically hung up on him. Dick.

You can't say that, Enrique! I've been saying you will pay for the wall!
In a further blow to Angry Orange's ego and ongoing attempt to make everybody believe that all of this is completely normal, it has been announced that at least two grand juries have been convened to look into Russian meddling in the 2016 election, as well as money-laundering done through his organization. The media reported as they saw fit.


Next week on Fox News, someone will just jingle their keys in front of the camera, much to the wonder and amusement of their viewers.

They're SO SHINY!
And, finally, douchebag "pharma Bro" Martin Shkreli got some bad news.


Comedian Patton Oswalt, who verbally bitch-slapped him a few months back when Shkreli started bad-mouthing both Oswalt and Stephen Colbert, responded, wishing him the best of luck in his soon-to-be new digs.


 I assume that this will be what Fox talks about when the grand juries hand down Angry Orange's indictments later this month.

And now, to Sean Hannity, who will tell you why everything is completely fine...
And then there were tweets. So many tweets. Let's get right to 'em! In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to help that along, here's a helpful bit of advice from Garfunkel and Oates!


All the best,
Derek and Bosco

August 2, 2017

Birdemic 2: The Resurrection

To listen and/or download, click here!


120 episodes ago, Derek and Jake sat down with their friend Jess, who was filling in for Larry, to watch Birdemic, a movie about a mentally-challenged software salesman and the girl he loved, and their fight against evil, acid-spewing, exploding birds. The film's writer and director, James Nguyen, had made a movie that encompassed his love of Alfred Hitchcock, the environment, and driving...lots and lots of driving. Really, what more did he have to say?

Well, after Birdemic gained a massive cult following, he had a lot more he wanted to say, as it turns out. He wanted to talk about his feelings toward Hollywood, and the things he had gone through to make the first movie. He wanted to have a further serious discussion about the environment. And, more than anything else, we think, he wanted to try catching lightning in a bottle a second time.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
And so, the guys found themselves sitting down once again to view the sequel, Birdemic 2: The Resurrection.

This sequel brings back Alan Bagh and the lovely Whitney Moore, the stars of the original, as Rod and Nathalie. Not to mention Rick Camp as Dr. Jones, Stephen Gustavson as the tree-hugger, and Coleon Osborne as Tony (the little boy Rod and Nathalie rescued in the first movie), and Patsy van Ettinger as Nancy, Nathalie's mom. As a bonus, singer Damien Carter returns for a follow-up to his smash hit, "Hangin' Out with the Family"!

Rounding out the cast are Thomas Favaloro as Bill, Chelsea Turnbo as Gloria, and Brittany N. Pierce as Jessica.

Join us...
Bill is a filmmaker, and, much like a certain Hitchcock-obsessed, Vietnamese director we all know, he is trying to get a movie made. So he contacts his friends, Rod and Nathalie, to talk to them about trying to find the $1 million he needs to make it happen.

At the restaurant, while he's waiting for his friends to show up, he meets the waitress, Gloria, who also happens to be an actress. She's cute, blond, and willing to pretend he is not a completely abhorrent human being, so Bill immediately takes a shine to her, going so far as to offer her the lead in his movie, Sunset Dreams without so much as an audition. She's totally into the idea, despite the fact that Bill looks exactly like the kind of guy who might try to trick women into doing sex stuff on camera for his website.

Unhinge my jaw? Why?
When Rod and Nathalie arrive, Bill pitches his movie, and Rod immediately writes a check for $100,000 to secure the rights to the script. He also offers to set up a meeting to see about getting the rest of the funding. All he wants in return is a part for Nathalie in the film. Bill is agreeable.

At the meeting, which may or may not include Rod's old boss from NCT Software (it is never made clear), there are a few issues brought up ("Where are the tits?"), but after some of Rod's smooth talking, the investors agree to hand over the money to get Bill's movie made. An awkward series of hugs and excessive clapping ensue.

Am I doing it right, humans? I am one of you!
To celebrate, Bill asks Gloria out on a double date with Rod and Nathalie. They visit a museum, where Tony reveals that, due to Rod's ineptitude in the first movie, his sister was now dead. But everybody is having a good time, so it's okay. They also run into Dr. Jones, who warned them about the bird flu in the first movie. He gives lectures now, but is still kind of a downer. He tells them a story, in the form of a flashback, about cave people being attacked by birds while they are having sex. It's really uncomfortable for everybody.

Later, while the four of them are walking on the beach (they've ditched Tony at this point), the come across a woman who is attacked by a giant jumbo jellyfish! "A giant jumbo jellyfish?" we hear you asking? Yes, a giant jumbo jellyfish! They call an ambulance, and the scene ends without contributing anything at all toward moving the plot along.

But then...things start to happen...

Initially, it's just your average blood rain that resurrects prehistoric birds and cave people that had been lost in the tar pits. You're gonna get that with your blood rain.

Yup. And you might get the occasional zombie outbreak, as well.
When the birds attack (finally!) during the first day of shooting, the four take charge, also bringing in a few hangers-on to use as human shields. They grab some guns and start shooting everything with wings. And, in Nathalie's case, one actress who got in the way. They run around the studio lot, shooting birds and trying to rescue people, but the only one they manage to save is Jessica, who was trapped in a cabin on an Old West set.

The group escapes from the attack and piles into an RV so they can get somewhere safe. Along the way, Bill stops to check on some people who may be dead and gets at least one of the group killed. Then he takes a shortcut through a cemetery, where they come across the zombies we mentioned in the caption above. The zombies attack, and they kill Jessica, the one person this group of idiots managed to rescue from the studio. Good job.

But they seemed so organized!
Having had enough of Bill's poor decision, Rod steps up and makes a poor decision of his own. He stops the RV to check on a couple of people they see walking along the street. It turns out that these people are the cave people that were resurrected from the tar pits, and they have no time for Rod and Bill's bullshit, so they attack, kicking the shit out of the two of them until Nathalie and Gloria come to the rescue.

Will Rod and Bill continue to put themselves and their friends in danger? Will Nathalie step up and finally take control from these two dim-witted chunkheads? Will they see any of their old friends? Will this goddamn movie ever end?

You'll have to tune in to see!

Derek picked this movie, and he absolutely loves Whitney Moore's complete lack of fucks to give concerning Rod's safety and incompetence. At one point, after his beating by a cave woman, she tells him, "Get up. You're fine." It felt real.

Larry is conflicted. He liked making fun of it, but felt he was still getting the short end of the stick by having to actually look at the images on the screen. He compensates by focusing on Whitney Moore's "I know what I'm doing" attitude. She's really neat.

Jake wishes he'd stayed on vacation for another week, although he does admit that director James Nguyen managed to throw in enough twists and turns this time around to keep the viewer wondering just what the heck was going to happen next.

So get your coat hangers and endless ammunition clips, and listen to this week's episode!

August 1, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody!

Well, it's been another week, and what a rollercoaster over at Survivor: The White House! But before we get to that, I just wanted to tell you that this week's GIFs are all about Spider-man (including a few friends).
That's right...SPIDER-DOG!
Anyway, as I said, it's been a heck of a week at Mar-a-lago North. It started with Angry Orange giving a speech as the honorary president of the Boy Scouts of America. And, like any president would, he told stories. Admittedly, they were stories about wild parties, but stories nonetheless. He also took time to brag about his "win", got these kids to boo former President Obama, and generally made an ass of himself, as he is wont to do when speaking in public.


Things got weirder (and a little bit sadder) when Senator John McCain, while being treated for a blood clot, discovered that he is also suffering from brain cancer. And while I have a lot of respect for Senator McCain--the guy is one of the few Republicans who actually had enough balls to go into the army during the Vietnam war, he was captured and tortured, and still made it back to the U.S. to become the senator for Arizona--I also disagree with a lot he says. However, I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy, so I want to send my best to him.


That said, during his government healthcare-insured trip to be treated, he made a special effort to come back to Washington so he could vote on taking away government healthcare from the rest of us with yet another attempt to repeal and replace Obamacare. But not before he gave a long, badgering speech to the rest of the Senate, telling them to quit being so mean to each other and start working together. Then he voted in favor of the Republican-written bill. Fortunately, several Republicans decided that, no, it was not a good bill.

He obviously didn't understand the irony of this whole venture...Or did he?
Back at the White House, Angry Orange was ready for a shake-up, because it seems he still thinks he's on a television show where somebody has to leave every week. As reported last week, it was flora-as-camouflage enthusiast and Melissa McCarthy impersonator Sean Spicer.

See, it turns out that Angry Orange hired a new communications director, a walking example of every terrible Italian stereotype out there named Anthony "The Mooch" Scaramucci.


Spicy wasn't happy about this new hire, and he also decided that he'd had enough of being told he sucks, so he gave his resignation, so he can spend more time lying to his family.

Mooch, on the other hand, was thrilled that he was going to get a chance to be in the presence of power! He went on television to let everybody (Reince Priebus) know that he was going to stop all the leaks coming out of the White House, regardless of where they come from. (Reince Priebus.)

When word got out to New Yorker writer Ryan Lizza that Mooch had dinner with Angry Orange, Melania, and some friends from Fox, Mooch was not happy, so he contacted Lizza and, forgetting to mention that the conversation was "off-the-record", proceeded to go off on almost everybody (Reince Priebus), including Steve Bannon, about whom he said, "I'm not Steve Bannon, I'm not trying to suck my own cock." He also said he would fire everybody (Reince Priebus) if Lizza didn't tell him who leaked the information to him.

Then he offered up a leak of his own, which, uh, sort of means he had to fire himself, right?
“They’ll all be fired by me,” he said. “I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow. I’ll get to the person who leaked that to you. Reince Priebus—if you want to leak something—he’ll be asked to resign very shortly.” The issue, he said, was that he believed Priebus had been worried about the dinner because he hadn’t been invited. “Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac,” Scaramucci said. He channelled Priebus as he spoke: “ ‘Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.’ ” (Priebus did not respond to a request for comment.)
Lizza, amused and probably a little concerned for his life after talking to this foul-mouthed guido, dutifully reported on the entire conversation. It's a fascinating read. I highly recommend it.

Naturally, Twitter handled these revelations responsibly.


Also, in a stunning surprise, Chief of Staff Reince Priebus was fired. Nobody could have seen that coming.

Twitter and the press react to Lizza's article.
Somewhere in there, Angry Orange, who said during the campaign that he would fight for LGBTQ rights harder than anybody ever had, announced--on Twitter, of course--that transgender citizens will no longer be allowed to serve in the armed services.


Unfortunately, just yelling on the internet with poor grammar doesn't actually make things happen, despite what he seems to think. The Pentagon informed the various branches that, no, that's not a thing that is happening, and everybody should just proceed as normal, because when you are stuck in a firefight against an adversary that wants you to just go ahead and die, if that's okay, the last thing you will be worrying about is whether the person next to you might not identify as the gender they were born to.

SHOWN: The inside of Angry Orange's head.
Oh, and remember way back near the top of the page when I mentioned the whole healthcare thing? Well, another vote was held. But this one was written over lunch. No joke. And, again, not one single Democrat was asked to take part. Everybody was on the edge of their seats. VP Mike Pence came in, in case he had to cast a tie-breaking vote, which looked to be the case because Republican Senators McCaskill and Collins were not interested in this bill, either. And then, with a flourish, Senator McCain wandered into the chamber, gave the bill a thumbs-down, and sent Mitch McConnell's neck vagina quivvering with rage at having failed yet again.

Much was made about McCain's vote, despite him voting in favor of the previous bill. McCaskill and Collins were pushed to the side, despite both of their votes being equally as important as McCain's, at the very least. Not to mention that they were threatened with violence (including a duel!) and cuts to funding for their states. Oh, and nobody cared that all of the Democratic senators voted against it, because that's a no-brainer.


So McCain, who appeared to be in good spirits, despite his medical condition, went out of his way to make sure he was the center of attention for the whole thing.

Get outta here, old man!
Bonus News: It was announced this Monday that Mooch did, in fact, get fired after only ten days (five of which were actual work days for him). The guy wasn't even "officially" employed yet. Oh, and his wife, who was nine months pregnant, filed for divorce, after she went into labor and her husband wasn't there. He did, however, call her from the White House and tell her he would pray for the child. Karma, as they say, is a bitch.


I miss the good old days, when everybody argued about what color some dress was.

It's blue and black!
No1 It's white and gold!
And then, finally, there were tweets. Somewhere between all the political commentary, people on Twitter made a few jokes, and I grabbed some of the ones I saw to share with you! In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! And to start it off, here's comedian Mario Cantone on The President Show!


Good job, everybody!

Ow...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco