October 18, 2017

Trilogy of Terror

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Welcome to week three of the Here Be Spoilers Horror Anthology Month!

Back in 1975, ABC originally aired what is still considered to be the scariest made-for-television movie ever, Trilogy of Terror, starring Karen Black, Karen Black, Karen Black, Karen Black, and a few other people who are not Karen Black.

Now, forty-two years later, Derek and Larry sat down to watch it, which we assume is why it was made in the first place.

The first segment, "Julie", also features Robert Burton as Chad, a super-rapey guy who, when he decides that all of the girls on campus are "dogs", takes an interest in his literature teach, Julie Eldrich, and immediately starts ogling her in the creepiest way possible.

What can I say? Shapeless, conservative dresses get me hot!
Chad finally manages to man-up and just ask Julie out to the drive-in, and after a really weak rebuff, she finally agrees.

That night, at the drive-in, Chad slips Julie a roofie, takes her to a motel, and shoots several questionable photos of her. Then he drops her off at home and leaves, but not before leering at her a whole bunch, making both Julie and the viewer super uncomfortable.

The next morning, Chad takes Julie for a drive and reveals the photos he took to her, telling her that she is now his to do as he wishes, or he will turn the photos over to the authorities. (This seems like a pretty empty threat, largely because Chad, a student, appears to be pretty close to the same age as Julie...At worst, she might lose her job.)

Chad continues to blackmail Julie, even sharing her with his friends--pretty racy for a made-for-television movie--for a whole month. Julie's roommate, Tracy (Tracy Curtis), who up until then appeared to take very little notice in Julie's continued late-night returns, is suddenly worried, and says so. Julie assures her that everything is just fine.

Sometime later, Julie is at Chad's house, acting as some sort of combination maid/sex slave, when she decides she's had enough. As she serves him a drink, she tells him that this whole situation was arranged by her, not him, but she finds him terribly boring now and wants out. Permanently...

Good thing Chad never saw this sweet piece of ass!
In the second segment, "Millicent and Therese", Black is Millicent, a decidedly quiet and conservative woman who lives with Therese (also Black), who is absolutely none of those things. Millicent is certain that Therese is evil, and even goes so far as to warn Therese's current boyfriend about the books on witchcraft and voodoo that line her bookshelves. The boyfriend, duly creeped-out, leaves and never comes back, allowing Millicent to go back to writing terrible things about Therese in her diary.

A short time later, Millicent calls Dr. Chester Ramsey (George Gaines) and tells him about all the horrible things Therese is doing, including trashing Millicent's room, and that he has to do something about her. Dr. Ramsey promises to come by and talk to Therese the next day.

True to his word, Dr. Ramsey shows up and talks with Therese, who is not especially pleased to see him. She accuses Millicent of doing all the things she says Therese did, and then, when Dr. Ramsey does not appear to believe her, throws him out of the house, telling him never to come back.

Chad would not be interested in Therese, who appears to be a Hooters server.
Going on a rampage, Therese starts screaming at Millicent through her bedroom door, threatening to get her. Millicent decides that it's time to take action and, once she is certain Therese is not around, takes one of the books on voodoo and looks up the recipe(?) for making a voodoo doll. After gathering the necessary components, she sets to work creating a likeness of Therese and taking up a very large pin to stick in it...

Karen Black really transformed herself for this last segment.
In "Amelia", Karen Black IS Amelia, a woman spending the evening at home, talking to her disturbingly clingy mother on the phone, cooking a steak in the most disconcerting way possible, and sorting out a gift for her boyfriend, whom the viewer never gets to meet.

Her mother, upon learning about the boyfriend, starts laying the guilt on pretty thick, but Amelia tries to blow it off while she opens the case to look at the gift: a Zuni doll that supposedly contains the soul of a dead Zuni warrior within. She reads the scroll that came with it, which says that the gold chain around its waist has to stay on, or the soul will get out and cause all kinds of trouble. Naturally, when she sets it down to hang up the phone and take a bath, the chain falls off. Were you expecting less?

What follows is the most slapsticky series of events that involve this tiny wooden doll stealing a knife and terrorizing Amelia.throughout her entire apartment. First, it tries to stab her under a door. Then she tries to drown it. Then it tries to stab her under a different door. Next, she traps it in a suitcase and, when it tries to cut its way out, tries to take the knife away, cutting her finger in the process.

When the Zuni doll finally quiets down, she opens the suitcase and, of course, the doll jumps out and bites her on the neck. While trying to get it off of her, she runs into the kitchen, grabs it off her back, and throws it into the oven, ruining the steak she was (for some reason) baking. The doll catches fire and is destroyed!

Amelia, bloodied, but still in good spirits, calls her mother back and apologizes, telling her that she would like to see her, and she invites her mom over...

...for dinner...?
What happens to Chad? Will Julie hook another fish with her wiley frumpiness? Will Millicent get her revenge on Therese? Will Amelia's mother notice her daughter's newfound interest in pointy things? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek remembers watching this when he was a kid, but only vaguely. Mostly, he remembers the Zuni doll and how goofy it seemed. He's also impressed with the range that Karen Black shows in this film, and is amazed at how goddamn hard it was to find a copy of it. Also, Chad is a creep.

Larry is new to this one, and he was surprisingly pleased with it. He also loved the Zuni doll, as well as Karen Black's ability to play four different people so well. His one complaint is the super-creepy Chad, who, it turns out, was Karen Black's husband. He's still a creeper, though.

So find a sharp knife, ready your voodoo doll, and check out this week's episode!

October 13, 2017

XX

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It's week two of the guys' October Horror Anthologies, and they sat down to watch XX, an anthology of stories directed and (mostly) written by women. Each of the stories is connected by animated interstitials by Sofia Carrillo.

Nothing creepy here AT ALL.
The first segment, "The Box", is directed by Jovanka Vuckovic and based on a story written by Jack Ketchum.

A few days before Christmas, Susan Jacobs (Natalie Brown) is riding the subway with her children, Danny (Peter DaCunha) and Jenny (Peyton Kennedy), when Danny, who is apparently half-magpie, notices a brightly wrapped present being held by a man (Michael Dyson) sitting near him. Danny asks if he can see what's inside the box, and the man shows him, causing Danny to clam right up and sit quietly.

Step one: Cut a hole in the box...
Later that night, at dinner, Danny's father, Robert (Jonathan Watton), notices that Danny isn't eating his food. When he asks Danny why he isn't eating, Danny just says that he's not hungry, and he asks if he can just go to bed.

This continues for five days, until Robert finally snaps and starts screaming at Danny, bringing the boy, and himself, to tears. Susan is pretty upset about all of this, and she goes to bed angry at Robert for yelling at him.

The next day, they take Danny to the doctor (Ron Lea), who tells them that Danny appears fine, aside from not eating anything at all. He suggests not pressuring the boy and letting him decide to eat when he wants to.

That night, Susan sees danny whispering something to Jenny, but when she asks what it was, Danny refuses to tell her. She sends them to bed and then spends some time seething at her husband. At dinner the next night, Jenny is also missing from the table. Robert asks Susan where she is, and Susan tells him that Jenny wasn't hungry. This causes another argument between the two of them, and Robert accuses her of not taking this seriously.

On her way to bed, Susan sees Robert talking to Danny in his room. Once in bed, she falls asleep, only to have a horrifying dream where she is being sliced up by Robert and served as dinner to the kids, who enthusiastically eat her flesh.

The next night, she is eating dinner by herself.

Christmas finally comes, and she receives a present that looks suspiciously like the one the man on the train had, which prompts her to ask Danny if he remembers what was in the box when the man showed him. Danny tells her it was nothing, and they continue on with their Christmas celebration, despite the fact that Robert, Danny, and Jenny have all lost a disturbing amount of weight.

When all three of them end up in the hospital, slowly dying of starvation, Susan visits everyday, searching for the man while she rides the subway, hoping he can tell her or show her what Danny saw...

The next segment, "The Birthday Cake", is written by Roxanne Benjamin and Annie Clark (also known as St. Vincent), and directed by Clark.

In this funny piece, Mary (Melanie Vincent) is getting ready for her daughter Lucy's (Sanai Victoria) seventh birthday. Her husband, David (Seth Duhame), is out of town, but expected back the next day, so she is stuck with David's assistant(?), Carla (Sheila Vand), to help her get things ready. Carla is not the friendliest person in the world, and it's pretty clear that Mary doesn't care for her.

One of these characters is the cause of everybody's troubles.
While bringing Mary coffee, Carla tells her that David's car is in the driveway, but she has not seen him yet. Mary takes her cup, as well as one for David, and goes looking for him in his office, where she finds him dead in his chair.

Now Mary has to decide what to do. Does she let everyone know that David is dead? Or does she try to hide David's body for the time being and go on with Lucy's party? We think you know where this is going.

What follows is a series of increasingly ridiculous situations where Mary tries to salvage the day without letting Lucy, Carla, or any of the neighbors know that David is dead.

First, there's Carla, who make sit clear that she does not like Mary, either, and is also stealing booze from David's drinks cart in his office. Then there's Madeleine (Lindsay Burdge), Mary's neighbor who weasels her way into a party invitation, despite her children being out-of-town.

When a rapping panda (Joe Swanberg) arrives at the door to rap a birthday song to Lucy, Mary bribes the guy to give up his costume, and she stuffs David's lifeless corpse into it, propping him at the dining room table just as the party guests arrive. Now all she has to do is make it through the party without anything else going wrong, which will totally happen. Right? RIGHT?

In the next segment, "Don't Fall", four friends--Paul (Casey Adams), Gretchen (Breeda Wool), Jess (Angela Trimbur), and Jay (Morgan Krantz)--are out camping in the desert, at Paul's insistence.

While checking out the view on top of what is very clearly Vasquez Rocks in Santa Clarita, Jess scares Gretchen, who storms off to pout against some rocks. However, something stings or bites her, and when they, as well as Paul and Jay, look at the rock surface, they see some petroglyphs that make absolutely no sense to them.

Is...is that an original Banksy piece?
Later, they are sitting around the RV they are staying in, and Paul is smoking a whooooole bunch of weed. Gretchen is angry again because Paul scared her by pretending to fall or get attacked by something, and the cut on her hand still hurts, so she sulks inside to put something on it and maybe go to bed.

Later that night, Gretchen awakens in a cave, where she hears a noise and turns to see some kind of creature running toward her. Shortly after that, Paul, Jay, and Jess awaken to a terrible noise, and when they look outside, they see Gretchen, who looks like she is either in pain, or in some kind of trouble. When Paul rushes to see what is wrong, he gets killed and thrown through the window of the RV for his effort. It turns out Gretchen is now whatever the creature was, and she wants to have a word with these folks who were so keep to scare her earlier.

Jess and Jay try to escape, but Jay gets locked inside the RV, and Gretchen quickly makes a messy meal of him. Jess makes it outside, but almost immediately falls down a hill, breaking her leg. And there is a growling noise coming from above her...

In the final segment, "Her Only Living Son", Cora (Christina Kirk) is getting ready to celebrate her son Andy's (Kyle Allen) 18th birthday. Unfortunately, Andy is too busy being a horrible kid who treats his mother like garbage and nails the occasional squirrel to a tree.

He also likes to go elbow-deep when mining for nose goblins.
It seems that Andy is a bit of a problem child, and it extends to his school. When Cora goes there to speak to Principal Jenks (Brenda Wehle) at Andy's school, and we find out that he was caught pulling out another student's fingernails. However, the principal and Andy's teacher, Mr. Dayton (Morgan Peter Brown), seem pretty cavalier about the whole situation, despite both the other student's mother (Lisa Renee Pitts) and Cora thinking that maybe something ought to be done about this. Rather than punish Andy, whom they insist is "special", they choose to let the other student stay home for a few days.

Later, the mailman, Chet (Mike Doyle), hits on Cora and then goes on a weird little tangent about how he, too, as well as the rest of the town, thinks that Andy is "special", although it is becoming clearer and clearer that they don't mean "special" in the standard "nice-but-maybe-a-bit-slow" sort of way. They mean something more along the lines of "possibly-the-spawn-of-Satan", but Cora is not buying into it.

After a quick search of Andy's room, where she discovers a shoebox full of what appear to be creepy-long toenails, she sort of confronts him. First, he says he'd like to live with his father, but Cora refuses, insisting that she has dragged the two of them around the country in order to avoid his father, whom she claims was a dirtbag playboy from Hollywood. Andy, now convinced that his father is in no way the man his mother says he is, exposes his creepy Hobbit feet to his mother, and then makes her kneel and crawl to him. It's super uncomfortable to watch.

As a last-ditch effort to stop Andy from trying to find his real father, Cora tells him about when he was born and how she took him away into hiding, and she hugs him tightly. And when Andy returns the hug, something sinister crosses the screen...

Will any of these stories have a happy ending? Or will they all end horribly for everybody involved? You'll have to listen to find out!

Larry found this on Netflix, and immediately decided it had to be on the show. He really enjoyed all the stories, but was particularly fond of "The Birthday Cake" because it was funny, as wqell as kind of dark. He also liked the bloodiness and make-up effects in "Don't Fall".

Derek was pleasantly surprised, despite the unanswered questions of "The Box" and the general unlikability of the characters in "Don't Fall". He agrees that "The Birthday Cake" was hilarious, and "Her Only Living Son" was as creepy as all get out. He also loved the animated opening credits and interstitials. They were AWESOME.

So turn down the lights, hunker down, and tune in to this week's episode! And definitely see this movie.

October 5, 2017

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders

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A Note from Derek: As you may notice, at least one of the pictures used in this post is from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode of the same name. This is because, although we watched this film completely un-riffed, finding any pictures without the familiar silhouette is (not-so-)surprisingly difficult. It's like people don't recognize this film for the cinematic genius that it clearly is.

This week, Derek and Larry started their month of anthology horror films for October with a flick Derek first discovered on Mystery Science Theater 3000: the Ernest Borgnine tour de force, Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders!

When the power goes out during the climax of what appears to be an awful movie, Grandpa Ernest Borgnine decides that now is the time to attempt to terrify his grandson (Mark Hurtado) with a story that is only marginally connected to the movie the kid was watching, becausew there was a toy monkey in it.

Oh, you want a story? I'll give you a story, you little bastard!
He proceeds to ramble his incoherent nightmares to his young grandson, telling him about Merlin (George Milan) and his wife Zurella (Bunny Summers) moving to modern day Southern California to open a curio shop, probably because there isn't much call for wizarding much these days (whichever days "these" happen to be--more on this later), and Merlin's got bills to pay.

A small boy wanders into Merlin's shop, only to be accosted by a relentlessly cheerful Zurella. When the boy's mother comes in to get him, she is followed by Madeline (Patricia Sansone), a woman who is clearly trapped in a loveless marriage with her sterile and self-important husband, Jonathan Cooper III (John Terrence), a critic for the local Penny Saver who acts like he works for the goddamn New York Times.

Ladies and gentlemen...LEON REDBONE!
Jonathan is unimpressed with Merlin's shop, and loudly proclaims so into a small tape recorder, causing Zurella to drop her facade of cheerfulness; she wants to tear him a new one. Merlin, however, decides that the best way to show Jonathan what the shop is all about is to lend this puckered sphincter of a man Merlin's personal book of spells. He does so with one simple warming: if there is part of a page missing, do not perform the spell.

Jonathan agrees, and he takes Madeline and the book home. Madeline, upset because Jonathan blames their inability to conceive a child together, skulks off to pout in their bedroom, while Jonathan goes to his office in the garage to read the spellbook and mock it relentlessly.

He quickly discovers that the spells are real, accidentally setting his desk on fire in the process, and when he tries to turn his cat into a familiar, he burns it to a crisp, as well. Friggin' muggle.

Accio BOTOX!
As he continues to experiment, he discovers that using the magic causes him to age rapidly (another detail that Grandpa Borgnine pulls directly out of his butt in the middle of the story), so he looks up a spell to reverse the aging process. When he finds one, he discovers that it requires the blood of another human, and pulls Madeline, bed and all, through the ceiling to get some. This could have been super gory, but he basically pokes her with his fingernail and takes a few drops, even taking the time to magically heal the tiny scratch because scar make-up is, apparently, beyond this production's budget.

Chugging the potion, Jonathan goes a little too far and is turned into a baby. Madeline, who only wanted a baby, seems okay with this and decides that she will raise the baby to hopefully not be half-assed blowhard critic for the local paper.

The grandson interrupts Grandpa Borgnine's rambling to point out that there was no toy monkey in this story, so Grandpa pretends like he did that on purpose and starts a new story, making sure to cram a monkey in there, no matter how pointless it will be.

Good news, everybody! It's Michael's (Struan Robertson) birthday! To celebrate, his father David (Bob Mendelsohn) and mother Susan (Vicki Saputo) are throwing him a birthday party! All of Michael's friends--both of them--come over and enjoy playing with Michael's new Star Wars toys, while Michael prefers to play with the gift his mother bought him from a junk shop: one of those creepy mechanical monkeys that screech and crash cymbals together. Even out of the context of a horror movie, those things are just plain disturbing. it also doesn't help that the monkey was, in fact, stolen from Merlin's shop by a homeless guy, who took it to a junk shop to resell.

Anyway, Michael loves his new monkey, and makes it sing the haunting ballad, "Rock and Roll Martian". Over and over again. Really, it can't be done enough.

ROCK AND ROLL MARTIAN...ROCK AND ROLL MARTIAN...
Aside from being bought from a filthy junk shop, the one big problem with the monkey is that it is super evil and wants to kill everybody. First, it murders a fly, but its bloodlust cannot be quenched, and it slowly starts moving its way up the food chain, killing some plants, a goldfish, and the family dog. And now it wants to taste human blood.

David, suitably concerned his wife bought their some a murder monkey toy, consults with a psychic friend (not endorsed by Dionne Warwick), who says she thinks the monkey is posessed by Satan himself, and the only way to get rid of it is to do an exorcism.

After a near-miss between Michael and a car, David tries to sneakily stuff the monkey into a bag so he can take it to the desert and bury it. Will he be rid of the monkey? Or will it somehow find its way back to them? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Curious George is only curious about one thing: MURDER.
Derek picked this one, and he regrets it. Sure, it was picked because it was awful, but he didn't realize just how much he would hate it without the MST3K guys making fun of it. It was...it was just bad.

Larry is of two minds about it. He agrees that it was bad, but he also thinks it was fun to make fun of. He may have been doing this too long. One thing he certainly agrees on is that "Rock and Roll Martian" should sweep the nation.

So put on your wizard robe, give up on joy, and listen to this week's episode!

September 28, 2017

Zombeavers

To listen or download, click here!


A Note from Derek: Unfortunately, Jake has had to take a break from doing the show, due to real-life stuff he needs to handle. So, for the time being, it's going to be Larry and me doing the show, with the occasional guest (most likely Troy). So, please bear with us as we ramble incoherently and fail to remember the names of directors we like. And keep your fingers crossed that Jake can come back sometime soon! Thanks.

Very rarely, there comes a movie that changes the viewers' perceptions of the world and their place in it. It challenges the viewer to see his or her surroundings in a new and sometimes disturbing way that will forever change the way they interact with those they know and love.

This is not one of those movies.

This week, Derek and Larry watched Zombeavers, starring Cortney Palm (Zoe), Rachel Melvin (Mary), Lexi Atkins (Jenn), Hutch Dano (Sam), Jake Weary (Tommy), Peter Gilroy (Buck), and Rex Linn (Smyth).

Two idiot delivery men, Joseph (Bill Burr) and Luke (John Mayer--yes, that John Mayer), hit a deer, causing one of the barrels of toxic goop on their truck to fall off and contaminate a lake.

Hey...Are you okay?
That lake, it turns out, happens to be the destination of Mary, Zoe, and Jenn. The three of them are on a "girls-only" weekend at Mary's cousin's cabin to get Jenn's mind off of her boyfriend, Clint Howard doppelganger Sam, who was photographed making out with another woman.

After a quick stop at a gas station so Jenn can be leered at by the creepy director, the girls make it to the cabin and immediately start bitching about the lack of cell service and how there's only one bathroom. Friggin' millennials.

Once settled in, they decide to hit the lake and go swimming. While sunbathing on a platform in the middle of the lake, Jenn spots a beaver dam and decides she totally needs to investigate and maybe make friends with a beaver.

And they came dressed for the occasion.
While inspecting the dam, they notice that it is covered with some kind of green stuff, but before they can investigate further, they are confronted by a bear, which is itself confronted by Smyth, a creepy guy who wanders around in the forest, probably hoping for this exact scenario. Today appear to be his lucky day.

Say, I notice ya got some of them whatcha call..."boobies".
He warns them about wandering in the woods dressed in nothing but bikinis, then wanders off to go harass more woodland creatures.

The girls, having had enough fun for the day, decide to head back to the cabin and drink while they play Truth or Dare and Would You Rather, as young women tend to do when there are no menfolk around.

Their fun times are interrupted by a pounding on the walls. When Zoe goes out to see what's causing it, it turns out to be their boyfriends, including Sam the dirtbag. It was all a set-up by Zoe, that rebel! She planned the whole thing because she is a terrible friend and really only wants to have sex with Buck, for some reason. That happens, and it's gross, although Buck is willing to admit that he has no idea what she sees in him, either.

Jenn, in no mood to let Sam paw at her, knees him in the berries and goes off to take a shower, where she is confronted by some kind of demonic beaver critter in the bathtub. When they entire group goes to investigate, it lunges out from under the sink and scratches Jenn before Sam beats it silly with a baseball bat. They toss it in a bag and leave it on the porch.

The next morning, as the group is going out for a swim, they notice the bag is ripped open and assume it was some other critters that tore it open and took the dead beaver. No biggie. Time to swim!

Jenn refuses to get in the water, but the others go to the platform. Zoe, Buck, and Tommy keep swimming, but Mary and Sam stay on the platform, where they discuss the picture Jenn was sent. It turns out that Mary is the woman Sam was making out with, and they argue about whether to tell Jenn.

They are interrupted when Buck gets his foot chewed off. That sort of thing can be a real show stopper.

The most upsetting thing to Buck is that he now owns at least one useless shoe.
After sacrificing Zoe's dog (probably the most disturbing scene in the entire movie), the group gets back to shore and hides in the cabin, where Zoe and Tommy volunteer to take Buck to a hospital. They stick his severed foot in a bag of ice and head out, while Sam, Jenn, and Mary stay behind and barricade themselves inside.

Meanwhile, the elderly couple next door, Winston (Brent Briscoe) and Myrne (Phyllis Katz), are convinced all the screaming and noise coming from the cabin are just the girls "scissoring to Lady Gaga," and ignore it at their own risk. This turns out to be an extremely bad idea.

It does not go well for anybody, really. Even the beavers.
On the way to the hospital, Tommy, Zoe, and, to a lesser extent, Buck find that the road has been blocked by a dam. Fortunately, there's a truck on the other side, and Tommy gets an axe out of the bed. He tells Zoe to take Buck back to the cabin while he takes the truck to get help. Almost immediately, the beavers drop a tree on him, but Zoe manages to get herself and Buck out of there in time.

Once back at the cabin, they can't get inside because Sam, Jenn, and Mary have blocked the doors. Fortunately, Smyth shows up and takes Zoe and Buck to the neighbors' house. Inside, Smyth finds the bodies of the elderly couple, and then tells Zoe that Buck's foot is probably not going to be attached because it has been off for too long.

Right then, Buck turns into a mutant beaver sort of thing and literally eats Smyth's face. At the same time, Jenn, who was scratched earlier, also turns into a mutant beaver and tries to kill Mary. Mary gets away by locking Jenn in a bedroom, and she and Sam try to get out of the house, which is now being invaded by more beavers. Before they can escape, Sam also turns into a mutant beaver and tries to eat Mary.

Will Mary and Zoe get away to safety? Or will they themselves be turned into mutant beavers? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry thought this was a pretty good flick, despite the goofiness. He thought some of the gore was pretty good, but wanted to see more. Also, he thought the two delivery guys were pretty entertaining.

Derek was not nearly as impressed by the film, although he is willing to admit that there are a few good laughs. The beaver puppets look exactly like beaver puppets, and the tail Jenn grows looks absurd. He's also angry about the dog being sacrificed.

So put on your tiniest bikini, chew on some trees, and listen to this week's episode!

September 14, 2017

Surviving the Game

To listen/download, click here.


This week, the guys sat down to bask in the glory of Ice-T, a man who once played a "gangsta" kangaroo.

But in this week's movie, Surviving the Game, he plays Mason, a homeless man who is having a pretty rough week. First, his dog gets hit by a taxi. Then, while trying to steal what appears to be an entire side of beef to feed himself and his hobo mentor (that's a thing, right?), Hank (Jeff Corey), when they are assaulted by a security guard (Bob Minor).

The next day, Mason wakes up in his spacious, conveniently-located abandoned camper to discover Hank has died in the night from his injuries. So, of course, Mason buries him next to the dead dog.

Finally fed up with all of this nonsense, Mason decides to end it all by stepping out into traffic, only to be "saved" at the last second by Cole (Charles S. Dutton), a guy working at an outdoor soup kitchen.

Cole sends Mason off to see his friend Thomas Burns (Rutger Hauer) about a possible job. After a very brief interview, Burns offers Mason a vague job that involves working as a kind of guide during a hunting trip.  He gives Mason some money and tells him to get some new clothes and be ready to go the next day.

Wackiest roadtrip movie EVER.
After sharing a brief flight in a private plane with Burns, Cole, and a pig, they land near a cabin in the middle of nowhere, where Burns and Cole's friends await their arrival. They all seem to take to Mason, with the exception of Griffin (John C. McGinley), who looks like he wants to hate-fuck Mason to death.

Once everybody is settled in, they sit down to dinner, and Doc Hawkins (Gary Busey) explains how he knows the others; he is Burns' and Cole's psychiatrist, and they are all ex-FBI. He then tells a disturbing story about how his father made him kill his dog with his bare hands when he was thirteen. To say that it was odd dinner conversation would be selling it way short.

Griffin, on the other hand, keeps giving Mason "murder eyes," and when he asks Mason how he ended up homeless, Mason says, "I killed my wife and kid," which causes Griffin to go ballistic. After the others drag him away, burns explains that Griffin's daughter had been murdered by a homeless man. Whoops.

Griffin gets lost in Mason's eyes and dreadlocks.
After dinner, Burns shows Mason to his room, suggesting he get a good night's sleep because the next day's hunt will be pretty busy.

The next morning, Burns and Cole wake Mason by sticking a gun in his face and telling him to get outside. When he goes, they tell him that he is, in fact, the prey they will be hunting, and he has until they finish a nice breakfast to get himself as far away as he possibly can.

As the "hunters" are enjoying their breakfast, Derek (William McNamara), the son of Wolfe, Sr. (F. Murray Abraham), tells them that he is not too keen on actually hunting and killing a human being. The others mock and harass him for being such a whiny little puss, especially Hawkins, who is now clearly aroused by the idea.

Jeepers! I sure do enjoy murdering!
Now happily fed, the crew mount up on ATVs and motorcycles bristling with guns and other implements of destruction, and they start tracking Mason, who, it should be noted, is on foot.

After an initial close call in which Griffin spots Mason and tries to shoot him, Mason circles back to the cabin in search of weapons to defend himself. He breaks the padlock off the door of the room he thinks they are in, but discovers he is exactly wrong. The room, it turns out, is filled with glass jars containing the heads of all the previous hunt victims. there's also an empty one with a brass plate that says "Mason" on it.

I am certain he will never circle back around to the cabin and discover the
room full of heads.
Suitably disgusted, Mason douses the entire cabin in gasoline. The hunters, figuring out that Mason may have gone back to the cabin, get there and send in Hawkins and Wolfe, Sr. to either chase him out or kill him. That's when Mason sets the place on fire, trapping Wolfe, Sr. upstairs behind a wall of flames. Hawkins, however, catches Mason outside and attacks him with a knife, and a struggle ensues, until Mason throws Hawkins through a window, just as the room full of heads explodes, ending the doctor's participation in the hunt.

Derek runs inside and rescues his father and, as he is dragging him out a window, spies Mason running back into the woods, but decides not to tell the others, as he's still not in line with the idea of hunting and killing another human being, despite that human being having almost killed his father. (In Derek's defense, Wolfe, Sr. is kind of a dick, even setting the murderiness aside.) However, Burns figures it out by watching Derek's eyes.

Now deep in the woods, Mason stops for a breather, only to come face to face with a wolf that is not especially happy to see him. This results in the best face acting ever committed to film.

Cinematic gold.
Next, he lures the hunters into a trap using some cigarettes stuck into a tree, and takes Griffin hostage in a cave. While there, Mason explains how, when he was working two jobs--one of which as a maintenance man at the apartment complex where he lived with his wife and child (possibly children)--and how he kept putting off some of the repairs, which resulted in the building catching on fire and killing his family. Since then, he blamed himself for their death. Griffin, in turn, tells Mason about the homeless man who murdered his daughter.

The next morning, the others raid the cave, finding Griffin by himself. When they untie him, he says he's dropping out of the hunt and going home. Burns is not happy about this, and he has Cole shoot Griffin in the forehead, causing Derek to scream like a frightened pre-teen girl. After a stern talking-to from his father, Derek agrees to finish the hunt, but wants everyone to know that he's not cool with it.

What follows is a comedy of errors that allow Mason to dispatch the remaining group, except for Burns, who manages to escape in his plane after blowing up Wolfe, Sr.'s plane as Mason is running toward it.

Did it work? Is Mason dead? Will Burns go into hiding, not sure whether there is someone out there who knows what he and his friends were doing? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry liked the movie a lot more than he expected. He does have some logic issues with the way Mason ignores two huge packs of supplies on an ATV in favor of taking a rifle and then using most if its shells to knock over a tree. He is right to question it.

Derek also enjoyed the film. He thinks Ice-T did some solid acting in this film, and his only nitpick is the fact that the abandoned motor home Mason and Hank live in is bigger than his own apartment. And how they can grill without their grill being stolen. He's really angry about that.

Jake picked the movie, and thinks it is still as good as it was when he first saw it. He does have a problem with the whole "shooting-a-tree-with-all-of-your-shells-and-having-to-throw-rocks-at-the-bad-guys" thing, but he is willing to overlook it because the rest is so good.

So put on your camp, trim an unnoticeable bit off your dreadlocks, and check out this week's show!

August 30, 2017

Sharknado 5

To listen/download, click here!


Here it finally is! After what seems like months, Derek, Jake and Larry all managed to meet at the same time so they could sit down and watch the most anticipated movie of the year (for people who enjoy cheesy seafood-based weather movies)!

This week, the guys sat down to watch Sharknado 5: Global Swarming! In what two-thirds of the group consider a step back in the right direction after the kind of lackluster Sharknado 4, our heroes Fin (Ian Ziering), April (Tara Reid), and the returning Nova (Cassandra Scerbo) are out to rescue Fin and April's youngest son, Gil (Billy Barratt), from the clutches of a deadly sharknado.

Destroying beautiful architecture, eating people, and now kidnapping?
Let's be honest; these sharks are dicks.
While visiting England to consult with a British scientist (Clay Aiken) about equipment designed to protect citizens from the dangers of sharknados, Fin receives a call for help from Nova, who is in a cavern under Stonehenge, searching for an artifact that was created by what turns out to be ancient sharknado-worshippers. Fin, never one to turn down a chance to do something that is dangerous and helps move the plot along, rushes to give assistance, and the two of them make their way through a shark-themed, Indiana Jones-style room to retrieve the artifact, only to be chased by a rolling shark head made of gold.

Returning to London, Fin and Nova rejoin April and Gil, just in time to meet up with the prime minister (Chris Kattan), who takes them to the scientist, Llewelyn.

Yes...They are both in this movie.
Llewelyn takes them through the collection of protective equipment he has developed, and even straps a new helmet (with, of course, a shark fin on top of it), which will give him protection in even the worst of storms, up to and including a sharknado, conveniently.

And it is convenient, because almost immediately, a sharknado forms in London! (Apparently, they can do that now, and don't need to start over an ocean, where, you know, sharks live.) And it sucks up little Gil, helmet and all!

Fin, April, Nova and Gil even commandeer a double-decker bus to be able to keep up with it, and Nova, who isn't really paying much attention to driving, hits Poison's Bret Michaels. This scene is too awesome to describe, so here's a video clip of the whole sequence. (Apologies for the quality.)

video

As sharks continue to fall around the city, eating people, the group continues to work their way toward Buckingham Palace. Fin and April leave Gil with Nova so they can more effectively puch sharks and whatnot. Unfortunately, as good as Nova is at blowing up sharks, she is equally not good at babysitting, and she allows the sharknado to suck up Gil. Fortunately, his helmet will protect him.

Meanwhile, Fin finds himself on the back of a shark, which flies through a window at the palace and swallows the crown. Taking control of the situation, Fin manages to steer the shark down some stair, mostly by punching it a lot, until is slides up to a door, which opens to reveal the Queen (Charro). Did we mention this is all just the pre-credit sequence?

You like that, don't you, bitch?! Take it all!
Having now established the hell out of the plot, Fin and April set off to rescue young Gil by bungie-jumping into the sharknado, hoping they can grab him and pull him out. Unfortunately, while they may be pretty strong at the actual shark fighting, their planning sucks on toast, and a shark bites through their bungie cords, causing them (as well as Nova) to be sucked into the sharknado, as well. This is how they discover that the sharknados act as portals that can transport them to anywhere in the world. In this particular case, it drops them on a snow-covered mountain in Switzerland.

The sharknado hits a ski equipment store, which gives Fin an idea; he tells April (who, as you will recall from the last movie, had her body replaced with a robotic one by her father, Gary Busey, and she can now fly) to use a ski as a propellor and create a vortex of her own to cause the sharknado to dissipate. This leads to the greatest moment of non-emotive yelling ever to be captured onscreen.

April, overcome by the raw power she creates from spinning around in circles, starts screaming, and it sounds almost exactly like this (but with less emotional attachment): "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...", but it lasts for roughly two whole minutes and is the most glorious thinig ever seen. It is so captivating that it is hard to remember details about what comes next, until they get sucked into another sharknado and land in Italy.

Once there, they are greeted by Downtown Julie Brown, who takes them to the Vatican to meet the Pope...who is played...by Fabio.

Yes, that Fabio. (As if there are dozens of other Fabios wandering around, all shirtless, with birds crashing into their heads, too.)

After a brief meeting, Pope Fabio gives Fin a new toy to play with. And it is almost...almost...as awesome as April's bland, disinterested screaming.

Hi. I'm Fin Shepard for the Jesus Chainsaw 3000!
A quick trip--via sharknado, natch--to Australia brings the group in contract with Nova's sharknado-fighting "sisterhood", and Dr. Olivia Newton-John, which is fortunate, because the most recent trip destroyed April's robot body, tearing it in half.

While April is being rebuilt and upgraded, Fin discovers that his cousin is part of Nova's group, and decides to abort the idea of saving his young son, who is trapped inside a teleporting sharknado, in favor of trying to rescue his adult cousin, who is on a boat somewhere, preparing to dump some toxic goo into the water in the hopes it will kill all the sharks. Perhaps Fin hit his head somewhere in the last sharknado, causing his reasoning and logic to be skewed. Or maybe he's just an asshole who cares more about his cousin than his own child. It's pretty vague.

Fortunately, the decision is taken from him when the ship sinks, spilling the toxic goo, and creating a giant, glowing murderball of sharks that heads for the coast, where it eats Margaret Cho and her husband.

Fin, Nova and April, fresh from the lab with a newer, sluttier, non-flying body, hitch a ride with another sharknado, which takes them to Japan, where the glowing murderball of sharks had formed into the shape of one giant shark, causing a passerby to refer to it as "Sharkzilla".

A perfect opportunity to create a Kaiju April...ignored.
As the murderball runs rampant through Tokyo, Nova is killed, giving her the opportunity for a Shatner-esque death scene, which she milks like a cow, revealing to Fin that she artifact (remember that?) is designed to create and control sharknados. Oh, and she's pretty sure Gil  (remember hm?) is now dead.

Fin uses the artifact to create a sharknado that takes him and April to Egypt, where they find a secret room inside the Sphinx that houses a mechanism that controls the sharknados! Can they turn it off and save the world? Or will it all go banana-shaped and destroy everything? Or will there be some sort of X-Men-style death scene that ties into a weird-ass Mad Max/Back to the Future hybrid? Tune in to find out!

Larry enjoyed the movie, although he was disappointed in the lack of creative kills by sharks. He feels it was a nice return to form after a pretty lackluster fourth chapter, although he wants more gory death from sharks! Can you blame him?

Jake was disappointed in this film like it was a his stepchild whose only talent is running into a wall with a bucket on its head. He also disagrees with Larry that this is an improvement over the last chapter. Also, Charro?!

Derek sides with Larry on this one, although he argues that the creative kills have to be limited because this isn't a tornado filled with machete-wielding hockey mask wearers. Their bag of tricks is pretty much limited to biting things. But it is all made up for by April's dull, detached scream.

So fire up that chainsaw, keep watching the skies, and listen to this week's episode!

August 25, 2017

Arachnophobia

To listen/download, click here!


So...Once again, the group was one person short because Jake had to do some family stuff again, so Derek and Larry decided to watch Arachnophobia, the awesome 1990 Stephen Spielberg/Robert Zemeckis flick about a doctor (Jeff Daniels) who moves with his family to a small town to take over the town's retiring physician (Henry Jones), and runs into a batch of killer spiders (uncredited).

We're all named Stuart. Everybody just calls us 'Stu".
The guys ran into one little snag, though: Their pal Barry, over at Cinematic Catharsis posted a written review of the same film this week.

Derek and Larry were in a quandry...A QUANDRY...as to how to handle this situation. Rather than grab a different movie, which would have made this post even later, they agreed to go ahead and watch Arachnophobia. But instead of watching and then going over the same ground that Barry quite capably handles in his post, they decided to go ahead and record themselves watching it, unscripted, and off-the-cuff.

Much to the potential chagrin of our three listeners.
At any rate, they dove in, head-first, and went about saying mean things about a movie that, quite frankly, they actually enjoyed. But do not let that turn you away from listening. There are some good jokes to be had, as well as some actual insight into their thoughts about the story, the effects, and Jeff Daniels' excessive wimpiness.

Realization dawns that in four short years, he will have to work with Jim Carrey.
They also address the gloriousness that is John Goodman.

Drink it in, people. Drink it all in.
Having endeared himself to audiences in such films as Raising Arizona and Always, as well as pretending to tolerate Roseanne on the creatively-named show Roseanne (he should have won all the Emmys for that), he took what at first appears to be a small part as Delbert McClintock, an exterminator who gets drawn into the story when Dr. Jennings (Daniels) calls him to find out if the house Jennings bought for him and his family is infested with termites.

As everybody quickly learns, they have bigger problems on their hands.

This guy, trying to do a David Bowie "Heroes" pose all over the place.
But with a spider.
Fortunately, Delbert is there to be the real hero of this film, because Jennings is about as useless as a unicycle to a fish.

So grab your copy of Arachnophobia (don't pretend you don't have one; everybody does), and listen to this week's show!

August 19, 2017

Young Guns II

To listen/download, click here!


Once again, the guys had to put off Sharknado 5 (Egad...Who knew we would get that far?) because one of them wasn't able to make it to the recording. So, because Larry had to work, Derek and Jake sat down to watch the follow-up to 1988's Young Guns.

Yoohoo...I'm make you appreciate my brother more...
Young Guns II: Electric Boogaloo takes up a year after the events of the first film. It begins in the late 1940s, with an elderly man called "Brushy Bill" Roberts (Emilio Estevez) meeting with lawyer Charles Phalen (Bradley Whitford) out in the desert of New Mexico, where he reveals to the lawyer that he is actually Billy the Kid. Phalen, naturally, is dubious, knowing that the Kid was supposedly killed by Pat Garrett back in 1881, so he asks what proof the man has, which begins our story...

A year after the Lincoln County War which led to Billy the Kid and his fellow Regulators becoming wanted men, Billy is still out there running around, being an asshole, and hanging out with Pat Garrett (William Peterson) and "Arkansas" Dave Rudabaugh (Christian Slater), shooting people, and rustling cattle.

Guuuurrrrrrrllll!
When word gets back to Billy that Governor Lew Wallace (Scott Wilson) wants to meet with him to discuss a pardon in exchange for Billy's testimony against the Murphy-Dolan men whom he fought against in the Lincoln County War, Billy begins to think it over because it is getting less and less safe for him to stick around Fort Sumner, where even some of the townspeople have tried turning on him, not to mention constant searches from the army.

He meets with Wallace, who agrees to Billy's terms, and then takes him into protective custody before the trial. District Attorney Rynerson (R.D. Call), however, has a different plan and, being the one who chooses who will testify and who won't, tells Billy he won't be allowed on the bench, and wil therefore be hanged for his crimes.

Naturally upset, Billy escapes and heads back to Fort Sumner.

In New York, former Regulator "Doc" Scurlock (Kiefer Sutherland) is now a teacher who is trying to forget about all the things that happened. Unfortunately, he is not given much time, as a group of sheriff's deputies come and collect him to bring back to Lincoln.

When he gets there, he is thrown into a pit and attacked by a bunch of Murphy men who have also been arrested, only to be saved by his old friend, Jose Chavez y Chavez (Lou Diamond Phillips), who comforts Doc with stories about how quickly he will die when he is hanged, and then the Spirit Horse will come for him. What a pal!

However, before they can be hanged, a lynch mob shows up and takes them, only to reveal themselves as Billy, Pat, Dave, and a few friends. When the real lynch mob shows up, the guys get out of town and head back to the fort so they can gather more men and head down to Mexico on the Mexican Blackbird, a broken trail leading there. Doc doesn't want to go, but Billy--and a number of lynch mob guys who followed them--convince him that maybe he ought to give it a try.

Dave, for his part, acts like a dildo, thus filling in for the late "Dirtface"
from the first film.
When only one man--Hendry William French (Alan Ruck)--shows up to join the gang, Billy also enlists a young homeless boy named Tom O'Folliard (Balthazar Getty) to round out the group with a sympathetic character that can be killed-off when the movie starts to make Billy look like the dickweed he is.

More bad news comes when Pat announces that he isn't going with them this time, choosing instead to stay at Fort Sumner and open a restaurant. Billy tries to convince him that coming with the gang is the smart thing, but Pat is having no part of it. The gang heads out to see about getting some money for their trip.

They end up on the ranch of John Chisum (James Coburn), John Tunstall's partner before the Lincoln County War. Chisum, not especially happy to see Billy, basically tells them to get bent when he is told by Billy that he owes them $500 for the fighting they did, as well as for not stealing his cattle. When Chisum continues to refuse, Billy says he will kill one of Chisum's men for every five dollars he "owes" them, and then immediately has two of Chisum's men killed.

After the confrontation with Chisum, Billy and his men decide to steal a bunch of Chisum's cattle and sell them, thus gaining the money they felt they were owed.

Meanwhile, Garrett, now an "honest" man, is contacted by Chisum, Wallace and Ryerson, who offer him the position of Lincoln County Sheriff, a $500 reward, and more money when he brings back Billy, dead or alive. Pat buys some new clothes and gathers his posse together, including Poe (Viggo Mortensen) and a writer named Upson (Jack Kehoe), whom Pat has hired to document his search for Billy.

Poe, like Dave, is also a dildo, but not as fun.
The rest of the movie is basically the hunt for Billy. Tom is killed by Garrett (remember what we said earlier about him?), and the rest of the gang end up hiding behind a couple of rock walls, where Billy finally admits to the rest of the gang that the Mexican Blackbird is not a trail to Mexico, and he had no intention of going there because he would just be another nameless man in Mexico. Doc, reasonably upset, decides he's had enough and walks out. This turns out to be a bad idea.

Chavez! Chavez, they shot my Fruit Gushers and I bit my lip!
The place is surrounded by Garrett and his men, who have exactly zero interest in letting this fight go on any longer.

Doc, already certain to die, runs out with guns drawn to distract Garrett's men while the others escape. It's not a clean escape, as Chavez gets shot, and Billy is captured. Again. But this time, he goes on trial and is sentenced to be hanged.

Will Billy escape again? Will Chavez survive? Will Garrett's mustache regrow and overtake his entire face, making him look like Jojo, the Dog-faced Boy?

Will Brushy Bill ever look and sound like he's not pooping himself when he talks?
 You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake is a big fan of this movie. He loves the soundtrack, too. And very specific lines from the film. He's also a huge Joss Whedon fan. Like, really huge. If he loves Joss Whedon so much, he oughta just marry him. Jeez.

Derek is also a big fan of the film. It mixes a nice blend of comedy and drama, as well as a nice visual look. He digs Joss Whedon, too, and is willing to finally admit that Firefly was a pretty good show, and what Joss has done with Marvel is great. But not like Jake. Seriously, dude...get a room...

August 15, 2017

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, everybody.

I'm going to be honest here; I really did not feel like doing a tweet post this week because, quite frankly, last week was a shitty one. It started with the threat of nuclear war, and it went downhill from there (is that even possible?!?), ending with the murder of a woman in Virginia who thought white supremacy is bad.

This woman, Heather Heyer, was murdered in an act of domestic terrorism,
by a white supremacist named James Alex Fields.
I spent most of the weekend being pissed-off, and getting even angrier when the man who is supposed to be our "leader" waited two whole days before addressing what happened, and when he finally did, it was the most tepid, half-assed response he could muster. It took two more statements and a lot of pressure before he had the sac to step up and say that these Nazi fucktards were bad. Two days went by before he said that. And it was plainly obvious to anyone watching him read his prepared statement from a teleprompter--mind you, this is a guy who has no problem attacking people off-the-cuff who disagree him, but he needs a written statement to say white supremacists are bad--that he did not agree with a single word of it.

And then, when he wasn't lavished with praise for finally saying what he should have said long ago, he threw a hissy fit on Twitter, blaming the media for people not being happy with his bland, disinterested delivery.

So, as I said, I didn't want to do a list this week. But then I realized that is what people like him and his base of disgusting supporters want. Not from me, specifically; odds are none of them know or give a shit who I am. What they want is for people like me--people who think that racism and homophobia and xenophobia are bad, and you should treat people like you want to be treated--to give up. They want us to stop talking about them. They want us to stop pointing out how astoundingly stupid and wrong they are, and using actual real facts to prove it.

Not gonna happen.

So, while I am absolutely certain my little cavalcade of dick jokes that I put out every week will have exactly zero impact on those who don't agree with my views, I'd like to hope that someone who thinks that everything has gone completely to hell comes by here and finds a little oasis of funny that gives them a small smile or laugh so they can keep going and find a better day coming.

*****

So, as I said, the week started with Angry Orange and Kim Jung Un waving their nuclear dicks at each other.

North Korea launched another missile, this one reportedly able to carry a small nuclear warhead far enough to possibly hit the West Coast. Reactions were varied, although not unexpected. Most sane humans were very concerned that a tiny Korean Millennial was willing to have his small country turned into a glowing mass of melted goop in order to try proving that he was a big boy, despite looking like a chubby lesbian 'tween.

Not Angry Orange, though! No, the man who avoided military service with five deferments because of "bone spurs" (which don't seem to stop him from enjoying a lot of golf) decided to say that the U.S. was "locked and loaded" if North Korea tried anything.

L'il Kim, not impressed, offered to fire one at Guam, a U.S. territory, to prove he has a bigger winkie than the blustery orange shithead (this is probably true, but that's not the point), and the orange shithead pushed even harder.

Fortunately, the guys who actually do the blowing up of stuff said, "Ehhh...We're not going to do that," and basically told Angry Orange to stop saying stupid shit, and things appear to have possibly cooled off a little.

That didn't stop some great reactions from the folks on Twitter, though.


There were a lot of other great ones, and I would suggest looking for them, I'd have added more, but I wanted this post to be less than novel-length.

*****

The middle part of the week was surprisingly quiet because Angry Orange was in New Jersey on vacation, ostensibly because the Oval Office was being renovated--no doubt, they were fitting it with ridiculous and pointless gold garbage to appease the giant baby-man who last week called the White House a "dump".

Oh, he claimed it wasn't a vacation, but when photos of him on his golf course there starting cropping up, he stepped up and called it a "working vacation". Whatever, dude. You were fucking off and we all know it.

It was so uninteresting, in fact, that I didn't even bother to grab any tweets about it.

And then the weekend came...

*****

Friday night, a bunch of tiki torch-waving KKK and Nazi and Aryan Brotherhood douche nozzles went to Charlottesville, VA, claiming it was to protest the removal of a statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee. It should be noted that the statue's removal had been voted on by the city council, and it would have been moved from the park where it stood, to a museum.

So, a "protest" was organized in order to protect this "historical emblem of Southern heritage." (I just threw up in my mouth a little.) What it really was, as best as I can tell, was just another chance for those clowns to stir up some shit.

Emboldened by a "president" who cozied up to them, these dirtbags left their white hoods home, choosing instead to dress in the uniform of their hero: white polo shirts, khaki pants, Hitler Youth haircuts, and those stupid red hats.

Fortunately, that meant a lot of them had their pictures taken, and a guy who runs a Twitter account called @YesYoureRacist started posting those pictures, asking people to identify them and contact their friends, family, and employers. This worked quite well, and a number of them did, in fact, lose their jobs, and there's at least one whose family disowned him. Good times!

The lesson here is pretty simple:


If you recognize any of the people who haven't been identified yet, please let @YesYoureRacist know. Suck it, Nazis!

*****

The next day, the activities continued. Along with the death of Heather Heyer, 19 other people were injured when James Alex Fields plowed his car into a crowd of counter-protesters. Also, a guy named Deandra Harris was beaten with wooden planks and a metal post by a group of white supremacists not fifteen feet from the entrance of a police station.

But that doesn't mean the Nazis won:


When word came back to Angry Orange of stuff going on, he reacted exactly like I expected him to.


And that's when his own personal shitstorm started, culminating in being slapped down by retired Congressman John Dingell (from right here in Michigan).


Yes! A 91-year-old retired Congressman served a helping of "Go Fuck Yourself" to Angry Orange, and I believe his words!
*****

Over on Twitter, an account called @JuliusGoat posted a thread that you really should read all of. Please take a minute to do that. I'll wait.


*****

One last thing: Sometimes these guys only understand when their bullshit is turned right back around on them. A perfect example is the press conference where the asshat who organized the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville got so scared of the crowd shouting him down that he ran away like a little bitch.

Other times, mockery works.


You have a bigger arsenal to work with than they do, even without weapons. Do not let them take that away.

*****

Now...How about some tweets?

Despite the shitty beginning and end of the week, there were a lot of funny things said, and I grabbed some to show to you because that's just how my brain works. Let's have a look, shall we? In no particular order...


And there you have it! Now get out there and try to have a better week. Don't let these shitbags win.

I don't have a video this week, so I suggest finding one on your own to bring a smile to your face.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco