November 30, 2016

Babes in Toyland (1961)

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Welcome to the first episode of Holiday Moviepalooza 2016! Until Christmas, the guys are going to watch and talk about holiday movies! And to start it off, Larry picked Disney's 1961 remake of the holiday classic, Babes in Toyland, starring Ray Bolger, Tommy Sands, Annette Funicello, Ed Wynn, Tommy Kirk, Henry Calvin, Gene Sheldon, Mary McCarty, and Ann Jillian in her first role.

Mary Contrary (Funicello) and Tom Piper (Tommy Sands) are in love. Not just the "holding hands, frantic groping under the bleachers, end up pregnant after the prop" kind of love, but the super saccharine, diabetes-causing kind of love that makes friends uncomfortable when they go out together in public and leads to resentment and bitter divorce later in life. And all seems to be going well, despite Mary having to care for a gaggle of kids (including Ann Jillian as Bo Peep) that do not, as best as the guys can tell, actually belong to her.

Look at 'em, all over each other like heathens...
Tommy wants Mary to be his betrothed, and she seems into it, but there is one major bump in that road: Barnaby (Bolger), who is the richest guy in all the land, which may or may not be Spain. He knows that Mary inherited a big pile of money and wants to get his hands on it. The only way for that to happen is to convince Mary to wed him. Unfortunately, he is a horrible, unpleasant man and she is a young, attractive woman with everything going her way, aside from the bottomless stomach that is half a dozen small children depending on her, and no visible means with which to feed it. But, you know...Love and junk.

Barnaby needs Tom out of the way in order to get Mary to himself, so he hires two bumbling nincompoops, Gonzorgo (Calvin) and Roderigo (Sheldon), to make that happen. He wants them to kidnap Tom and throw him into the sea. The first half of the plan is executed with very few problems. However, Gonzorgo gets greedy and diverts their journey to the sea so he and Roderigo can sell Tom to the gypsies in the forest, thus being paid twice for one job.

They have this weird, 50 Shades thing going on...
Upon Gonzorgo and Roderigo returning back to town and informing Mary that Tom was "lost at sea", Barnaby scoots in and asks for Mary's hand. She is reticent, but when she has a weird LSD fever dream while worrying about paying her bills, she begins to consider it. Fotunately, she is saved from making the second major mistake of her life (marrying Barnaby) by the return of the first major mistake of her life (Tom), who is brought back by the gypsies, albeit in a weird disguise that is completely unnecessary, as he removes it almost instantly in front of anyone who would have been angry to see him.

Curses! Cock-blocked again!
Barnaby, thus defeated, sends Gonzorgo and Roderigo to steal Bo Peep's sheep for some reason, prompting the kids to go looking for them in the Forest of No Return. Once there, they are harassed and taken hostage by a group of creepy trees that sing at them a lot.

Mary and Tom, finding a note from the kids, go off into the forest to find them, and when they do, the trees pretend to not be all murdery, and Tom decides they can camp there for the night. When the sun comes up the next morning, the trees scream and demand that the entire group turn itself over to the Toymaker (Wynn) in Toyland. And it only took two-thirds of the film to get there!

Trees can, as has been noted before, be real dicks sometimes.
When they get to Toyland, they meet Grumio (Kirk), an inventor who assists the Toymaker, just in time to have one of the inventions, a fast toy making machine, almost kill all of them because the Toymaker, lacking any mechanical abilities whatsoever, tries to make the machine build four million toys at once. Now unable to meet the Christmas deadline, the Toymaker blames everything on Grumio and suggests he kill himself. Disney could get really dark sometimes.

Mary, Tom, and the kids offer their services as toy builders to help the Toymaker get things done, but Barnaby and his two thugs show up and cause what would best be described as a "kerfluffle" after they get their hands on Grumio's latest invention, a shrinking gun designed to make full-sized things toy-sized. How that's supposed to save time is never explained. Go figure.

Be careful with the chemicals in the meth lab, Ed!
What follows is a horrible, graphic battle between the forces of good(-ish) and evil. Will Tom and Mary save the kids and get back to town so they can be married? Will Barnaby use Gonzorgo and Roderigo as human shields in order to save himself? Will the Toymaker continue mentally abusing Grumio, goading him into finally ending it all at his own hands? Will the dance scenes ever end?

Larry is terribly, terribly sorry to anyone who watched this movie thinking it wouldn't be all that bad. He suggests, however, that you imagine a gritty and dark horror remake as you watch, and maybe throw together a script. Who knows? It might get picked up. He also inexplicably lashes out at Carly Simon for some reason.

Derek puts Disney on notice for their horrible live-action musicals. Oh, sure, Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Mary Poppins might be okay, but they are the exception to the rule. He also questions the life choices Tommy Kirk has made in his career. But that Annette Funicello...she's cool. Ed Wynn, too.

Jake believes Disney has a continuing obsession with sex, pointing out that the sign in the scene where Gonzorgo and Roderigo decide to sell Tom to the gypsies says "This way to the sea" actually kinda looks like it says "This way to the sex". He also hates the goose that Mother Goose (McCarty) carries around everywhere. No goose should have a knuckle inits neck.

So suspend your disbelief, take a bunch of drugs, and listen to this week's podcast!

November 29, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody!

Sorry the list is late this week, but I had to wait a day. If it makes you feel better about it, just assume that it was because of the long holiday weekend. A weekend which, I might point out, I had to work through. All of it. Bleah.

But I hope you guys had a nice Thanksgiving. But, you know, not too nice, because...Well...

Anyway, I'm not going to talk about all the horribleness going on out there today. If you need to know, go check it out for yourself. I want to laugh. And that's why I go to Twitter. Oh, I could go to Facebook, but it's a lot more uptight there. Twitter is a bit more...freeform. Yes, there are a lot of nasty people there, but you can block them. And then you follow the people that make you giggle. Got that? Here; this ought to explain the difference a little better:

And so, when I want to cut loose and be the filthy-mouthed degenerate I've always been, I go to Twitter. Nobody judges your sense of humor, and your family doesn't know you're there so they can't judge you as harshly as if you talked like that on Facebook.

Their shock would be similar to this reaction to Robin upper-deckering
the Hall of Justice toilet.
I also like to collect funny tweets and share them here. So why not take a look at the ones I grabbed this week, shall we? In no particular order...

And there you have it! Now have a good week, and enjoy the rest of those Thanksgiving leftovers. Also, enjoy this clip from MST3K that seems appropriate for this time of year, especially now...

Good luck with your Christmas shopping, ya lousy bums!

I'll be over here dancing...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

November 23, 2016

Young Guns

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This week the guys sat down to watch a more-or-less historically accurate movie about William H. Bonney, aka Billy The Kid, and his involvement with the Regulators during the Lincoln County War. Not Billy the Kid Versus Dracula (although at least two of the guys more than likely have that movie on their lists).

No, this week the guys watched Young Guns, starring Emilio Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Durmot Mulroney, Casey Siemaszko, Lou Diamond Phillips, Kiefer Sutherland, Terrance Stamp, Jack Palance, and a bunch of other awesome actors. Holy crap! What a great cast!

Is this or is this not a "Brat Pack" movie?
Billy (Estevez) is on the run, and he is saved from the local police by rancher John Tunstall (Stamp), who takes Billy back to the ranch to work with the rest of the Regulators--Dick Brewer (Sheen), "Doc" Scurlock (Sutherland), Chavez y Chavez (Phillips), Dirty Steve Stephens (Mulrony), and Charley Bowdre (Siemaszko).

And fake Sam Rockwell as Zaphod Beeblebrox...
Of the OLD WEST!
When Tunstall is murdered by a group of men working for L.G. Murphy (Palance), a competing cattleman with deep ties to state and local government in the New Mexico Territory, Reinstall's business partner, Alex McSween (Terry O'Quinn), convinces a judge to deputise the young group of Regulators to round up those responsible for Tunstall's murder.

Kneel before (*BANG!*) AAAARGH!
Things go into the shitter pretty quickly (there's a pun here, but you have to see the movie to get it) when Billy kills Henry Hill instead of serving his warrant and taking him into custody, putting all of the Regulators on the wrong side of the law.

It also puts Dick and Billy at odds with each other, and the tension threatens to turn the group against each other. The problem is indirectly resolved by buffalo hunter and occasional bounty hunter Buckshot Roberts (Brian Keith) some time later, when Dick is killed.

Actual dialogue: "Ya peckerhead sumbitch!"
The remaining Regulators continue on, hunting down the other murderers, as well as the sheriff of Lincoln and some of his deputies. Meanwhile, Doc is trying to win the affection of Murphy's trophy Asian, Yen Sun (Alice Carter), by being abusive and insulting to her.

And giving her dead flowers. Smooth, Doc.
When Pat Garrett (Patrick Wayne) informs Billy that Murphy's men are converging on the McSween ranch in order to kill Alex, the crew heads there to get McSween and his wife (Sharon Thomas), only to discover it's a trap meant to get all of Tunstall's supporters in one place.

Not in the mood to be ambushed.
A standoff ensues, pitting the five Regulators and the McSweens against an army of Murphy's men, an army of law enforcement, and a literal army. Will they survive? (If you don't know, you should at least Wikipedia this stuff...)

Larry digs this movie, and rightly so. In particular, he's a big fan of the sequence involving the Regulators taking peyote to figure out what to do next.

Jake also loves the movie, as well as the peyote scene. He also offers up a potentially mind-blowing theory connected to it, which Larry pokes a hole in. However, it's still compelling.

Derek hates most Westerns, but cheerfully considers this movie, as well as its sequel, exceptions to the rule. He also offers up a theory concerning a prostitute that Charley wants to spend some time with.

So get on your boots, load up your Colt Peacemakers, and listen to this week's episode!

November 21, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hiya, guys!

Look; I haven't been able to dig up any new and amusing GIFs this week because I've been doing stuff. However, I have decided that I'm gonna pull some more of my favorites that I've already used. Like this one:

Dobby attends a Grateful Dead concert and tries the brown acid.
Anyway, I'm still not in the mood to talk about what happened two weeks ago. However, it should be noted that there have been some problems since then for the Angry Orange. First, there was the whole "I will never settle the Trump U case because I did nothing wrong." Turns out that--big surprise--turned out to be a bald-faced lie. Instead, he has settled for $25 million.

This one's for Larry, because he is madly in love with this woman.
And the there was VP-elect Pence's visit to see Hamilton on Broadway...

Let me clarify. Mike Pence, who is stunningly homophobic, attended a Broadway play whose star is an HIV-positive gay man. The crowd did not respond well to Pence's appearance, and they roundly booed him. And when the show ended, the cast read a statement intended for Pence, although rumor is that he ditched as soon as the curtain dropped.

Angry Orange took to Twitter, where he whined about how rude it was for the audience to boo Pence, and how mean it was for the cast to make their simple, unargumentative statement. And then he went on to bitch about Saturday Night Live because they continue to be mean to him. What a puss.

And now he wants to go fishing...
It should also be noted that all of this is going on while Angry Orange is trying to get his transition team together. It's going about as smoothly as you might expect.

Stay tuned next week when he eats a live baby on television.

The week after, he will eat Peter Dinklage on Game of Thrones.
So, quite frankly, what with all this bullshit, not to mention all the amazing talents we've lost this year, I'm pretty much done with 2016.

Well said.

Drink it in...
And then there were the awesome folks of Twitter. Those people help me maintain my sanity, largely through the lack of their own. Here...See for yourself!

And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week, will you? Don't let any more awesome people die, try to be nice to each other, and, if you're here in the U.S., have a Happy Thanksgiving. If you're anywhere else in the world...Fuckin' Thrusdays, amIright?

But to get you pointed in the right direction, here's another 8-Bit Cinema clip os Stranger Things.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

November 15, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, guys!

Look, I know you're all wondering what I'm going to say about last week. It was hard on all of us, but I think we can pull together and get over the death of Tom Neyman, the actor who played "The Master" in Manos: The Hands of Fate.

He looked like an angry Frank Zappa with "bed head".
To help us work through that pain, I'm employing a number of Manos pictures and GIFs, like the one above, in this week's post. Stay strong.

Another terrible thing that happened was the passing of two music legends: Leonard Cohen and Leon Russell.

Cohen, a Canadian-born singer, songwriter, and poet, probably best known for his song, "Hallelujah" (released in 1985), although he had been performing music since 1967.

And he didn't start his musical career until age 33!
If you haven't heard Cohen's work or read one of his books, do it. Quickly. I'll wait. Or just dig this video.

As for Russell, he was a piano player and guitarist who wrote songs and worked with some of the greatest musicians in rock and roll, pop, blues, and country music, including Eric Clapton, Willie Nelson, Helen Reddy, B.B. King, Jan and Dean, Joe Cocker, the Beach Boys, and George Harrison, among others.

And he looks like I imagine a hard rock Santa Claus would!
His debut single was called "Tight Rope", and it hit number 11 on the Billboard Hot 100.

So, along with the Manos guy, nod your head introspectively for these fellas.

These,,,aren't the...DROIDS!'re L'ook-ING...for...
And then there was the other thing that happened.

Look, you know how I feel about it. If you don't, you haven't been reading. I have nothing more to say about it, although I will say this: I'm certainly not going to stop mocking Angry Orange for his asinine blunders and other stupid things he does.

Other than that, here's my final comment on it (borrowed from @LostCatDog):

Now let's move on.

Very, very slowly and awkwardly.
As always, there were tweets. Lots of tweets, and a few of them weren't even angry! So I grabbed ten of them from Twitter and am gonna throw 'em right here, in no particular order.

And there you have it. I'm not going to do another video clip. I already put two up. If you want something funny to watch, keep an eye on Angry Orange as he tries to put together his transition staff and cabinet. It's not going well.

So, until next time, take care and try to have a good week. Instead of a video, here's Torgo with a shiny, sparkly beard.

So shiny!
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

November 9, 2016


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This week, they guys sat down to watch the 1962 Arch Hall Sr. film, Eegah! starring Richard Kiel, Arch Hall Jr., Marilyn Manning, and Arch Hall Sr. (credited as William Watters).

It's the story of Roxy (Manning), a party girl who knows what a good time is, unless you include her pinch-faced boyfriend, Tommy (Hall Jr.).

Don't you just want to punch him? Of course you do.
Included on that list of fun is running over a giant caveman sort of guy (Kiel), and then being groped by him.

Roxy's father, Robert I. Miller (Hall Sr.), is an author and adventurer--at least, he seems to think he is--and he sets off into the desert to find the giant that his daughter nearly killed with her car. Why? Who knows. He claims it's to write a book about him, but the guys have their own theories about all of that.

Tommy wants to help, so he volunteers to fire up his shitheap of a dune buggy and take Miller out there, but Miller refuses, choosing instead to take a helicopter. He is almost immediately captured and severely beaten by Eegah, and really kinda deserves it.

Screw you, and screw your damn dune buggy, kid.
When the helicopter can't go back out to pick up Miller the next day, Tommy finally gets to bring out the dune buggy, loads Roxy into it, and they head out in search of Roxy's dad. (After a solid twenty minutes of driving around in circles in the sand while Roxy shouts, "WHEEEEEEE!")

They sort of find him...or, more accurately, Tommy wanders into the desert and gets lost, and Eegah finds Roxy, dragging her back to his cave, where he tries to make so much gross sex on her. Even the fact that Roxy's dad is there isn't enough to make Eegah reel it in, so Roxy finds every distraction she can to keep from giving up her good stuff.

Eegah so embarrassed...This never happen before...
As Roxy and her dad try to escape from Eegah, Tommy falls asleep in a shrubbery somewhere, and then wanders around whining "ROOOOOXXXXXXXYYYYYYY!" to the odd lizard that he runs across.

When Miller and Roxy make a run for it, idiot Tommy happens to be in the general area and, after being shot fails to slow Eegah down, throws a rock at the giant, which takes him out rather neatly. The three intrepid lunkheads pile into Tommy's rolling garbage pile and, after another twenty minutes of driving in circles and getting stuck in the sand, head back home.

Except you, Tommy. Go find one and kiss it.
Later that evening(?), there is another party--there's, like, four or five in this movie--and Tommy's shitty band is playing. Roxy wants to dance, so she drags Tommy onto the designated dance floor, and then another guy tries to dance with Roxy, which causes Tommy to engage in a slap-fight. Then Eegah shows up and starts tossing people around like ragdolls. It's really pretty funny.

There's also cops and horrible ADR happening all over the place, and one is left with the feeling that this movie might not have been handled that professionally.

Derek is not happy with this movie. At all. He's watched it a lot of times, but he never paid that much attention to it. This time, he did. And he was really angry about it. Especially since it should have ended, like, half an hour before it actually did. Fuck this movie. He does get to do impersonations of some of the Beatles, though...So there's that.

Larry also didn't like it, but he was at least able to make it through the show without becoming so tongue-tied with rage that he couldn't speak, like Derek did. Larry also had a toothache, which probably didn't help matters, but what'reyagonnado?

Jake is glad they watched the MST3K version, but he still didn't like it. He did, however, present an awesome new backstory for many of the questions raised, such as: Where is Roxy's mom? Why is Miller so insistent on going out to find Eegah himself? And what the hell is wrong with Asrch Hall, Jr.'s face?

November 7, 2016

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

Look...I'm not going to screw around with goofy stories to set up jokes. I'm going to be serious for a minute.

That's it, really. If you live here in the U.S., and you're registered to vote, then damn well go and take part in the process. Even if your candidate doesn't win, you can at least say you participated, and you also get to gripe and complain about the person who did win. (Again, this is assuming that the one you voted for didn't.)

If you don't vote, you give up all rights to bitch about whoever wins or loses. It is that simple.

And so is voting! In fact, I have probably the easiest voting situation in the who freakin' world; I only have to walk across the street. That's it. It wasn't always that easy. Sometimes the voting station was somewhere weird or out of the way, or the lines were really long (by the way, huge thumbs-up to those folks who stood in line for hours and hours this past week during early voting around the country), but I made sure to make the time.

So should you.
And that's it, really, aside from the tweets I pulled for today. And, before I get to those, I want to convince you, if you aren't already there, to join Twitter. Why? Because it is not Facebook. Seriously, that's all you need to know. As an example, please see the following tweet.

That is probably the most simple and honest explanation of the differences between the two.

Oh, and did I mention that you should go vote?
Now let's see some tweets! In no particular order...

And there you have it! Now quick! Look at this video by Joss Whedon!

Now have a great week! Oh, and one more thing, before I forget...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

November 2, 2016

The 100th-ish Episode Celebration!

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This week the guys are celebrating the 100th episode of Here Be Spoilers! And to do so, they completely failed to sit down and watch a movie!

Instead, they decided to talk about what they've been through in the pursuit of entertaining the masses. (If you are willing to broaden your definition of "masses" to include "the ten-to-twelve people who listen to this show, even sporadically", that is.)

They talked about the shows they enjoyed doing, the ones that were the hardest to do, the movies that ended up being favorites, and the ones that made them want to peel the skin of their own heads.

Along with that, there are some sound clips, some discussions about the future of Here Be Spoilers, and congratulations all around.

And then came the awesomeness.

First, the guys got to hear a recorded clip that was sent to them by their British pal @redtache. You have to hear it to truly appreciate it.

Next, there was the Big Honkin' Interview! The guys had a nice, long interview with their buddy, VFX ninja and Con Man Executive Producer Billy Brooks and Make-up Effects genius Barry Bishop!

Billy's been hard at work, getting stuff finished for season 2 of Con Man, but he took time out to share some cool stories about how he got to where he is, and where he's going from here. He also shared some neat stuff about some of the great people he has met, and how a trip to the BBC led to him getting to walk on the holy ground of Nerd Mecca,

Barry regaled the guys with his own experiences making zombies for a theme park, a dead body for Space Station 76 Director Jack Plotnick's Broadway play Disaster!, and his and Billy's sneaky marriage this year, exactly one year after he proposed to Billy on the stage at SDCC in Hall H during the Con Man panel. His explanation for them just sneaking off to do it is, to Derek at least, completely reasonable.

Also, they both praise the amazing people they've been lucky enough to meet in their work, and how glad they are to know them.

Billy and Barry finish out their call by offering up some awesome advice for anybody who wants to do stuff, but isn't sure whether or not it can be done.

Finally, the guys wrap everything up by talking about what movies they want to watch for the show in the upcoming 100 episodes, and shout outs to all the great folks who have been a part of the show up to this point.

All of us at Ugly Couchcast Industries want to thank all of you that have hung with us so far, and hope that you continue to as we move forward into the weirdness!

Now grab this week's episode and celebrate with us!