December 30, 2015

Ernest Saves Christmas

To download this week's episode, right-click here and choose, "Save file as..."

It's time for the final episode of this year's Holiday Moviepalooza, folks.

And for this week's show, the guys sat down to watch a festering turd of a movie called Ernest Saves Christmas.

It stars Jim Varney as Ernest P. Worrell, a cab driver in Orlando, Florida, who has an almost unhealthy obsession with Christmas. When he picks up a fare who just happens to be a soon-to-retire Santa Claus (Douglas Seale), he is completely and utterly unfazed.

Until he opened the Ark of the Covenant, that is.
Santa explains that he's in Florida to find the guy who will be replacing him, Joe Carruthers (Oliver Clark), a man who used to host a kids' show on TV, and is now doing puppet shows at the local Children's Museum. (In front of a giant magnifying glass that is aimed directly at his crotch for some reason.)

Along the way, they pick up an underaged runaway girl named Harmony Star (Noelle Parker) whom they immediately weave into their web of lies and deceit.

Including dressing her up like a schoolgirl and taking her
to a prison full of dangerous criminals. (Really!)
As they begin their campaign of stalking and harassment against Joe, Santa gets arrested, and it's left up to Ernest and Harmony to spring the old guy from the joint. (See?! We told you!) And then they return to harassing Joe, who has now taken a part in a horror film called Christmas Slay.

As this is happening, Santa's reindeer have arrived and are awaiting their boss (or a duly deputized representative) while the guys at the warehouse freak out about the fact that the reindeer are launching themselves up onto the ceiling.

Bobby...What're we gonna do if they poop?
It is time that would have better been spent carefully pondering the life choices that one has made which brought them to a situation where they were playing second banana to Jim fucking Varney.

Anyway, Ernest sneaks Santa onto the studio lot where the horror film is being made, taking the opportunity to dress up as somebody who is almost, but not entirely, exactly like Ernest himself, but with a different hat, really.

Y'ever jus' wanna...hug another man? Real tight-like?
When Joe is confronted with the fact that the script calls for him to say "son of a bitch" in front of kids, he just can't do it. As he's getting his butt chewed off by the studio guys, he see's Santa's sleigh (it's a long and painfully stupid story concerning how it ended up flying around Orlando) and decides to quit the movie and take the job as the new Santa.

There's a bunch of other stuff we skipped but, really, who cares. This movie was stupid and awful and...and...stupid. Yeah.

I was dressing like this when you were still a young punk, so suck it, Tyler Perry.
Jake hates Joe's agent with a passion that burns like a thousand suns. Now, there are no likeable characters in this movie, but that agent is just garbage in human form.

Larry is disenchanted because he really loved this movie when he was younger (and, obviously, much more impressionable). He got better. The movie, however, did not.

Derek hated all of it. It sucked. Fuck this movie.

There's also a bunch of heavily-edited, spoiler-free conversation about Star Wars: The Force Awakens in The Lobby, a group version of Larry's List, and Derek discusses fun times playing out on New Years' Eve.

As an added note, the guys were so traumatized by this movie that they forgot to do Coming Soon. This week, there was only one movie listed, and that was Anomalisa, an animated film that just happens to have been worked on by our pal Billy Brooks as visual effects supervisor! So check it out! The trailer looks awesome.

So download this week's show! And, if you're feeling particularly masochistic, download the commentary from the guys while they watched the movie!

And Happy New Year!

December 29, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well, guys...We survived Christmas. Didn't we? You know, I really shouldn't speak for everybody. Let me start over.

Don't let it happen again!
Well, guys...I survived Christmas. So there's that. And here's to hoping that all of you did, too. (Note: If you haven't, please don't tell me, because talking to dead people just feels plain creepy to me.)

In fact, I had a really nice time down at my brother's house, where I saw a few old friends.

And, once I got home, I had to spend a lot of time working. But I still had time to take in a bit of mental health exercise.

It should also be noted that this is also a big part of the reason why this week's list is happening on a Tuesday, rather than Sunday or Monday. Also, I'm still experiencing internet issues, so I have to go over to my dad's to do it. He's cool with it, though, and they generally feed me while I'm there, so everybody wins.

But you don't make them dinner, do you, you sonofabitch!

It was a great Christmas, hanging with my brother and his family. And when it was over, I stood back and admired the vast heap of Star Wars-related stuff I ended up with. And it was good.

Of course it was! Don't be silly!
But now is the time for tweets! And, if you dig 'em, why not join us over on Twitter? There may even be stuff funnier than what I'm finding around there myself. Go try it, won't we!

In no particular order...

And there you have it! 

And now, since the week is already almost half over, I figure the best way to sign off is to tell you to have a safe and happy New Years' Eve. And to send you into next year, here's a clip from one of my favorite bands, Barenaked Ladies. (The connection here is, a few years back, I went to see them for a New Years' Eve show...It was awesome...)

All the best and Happy New Year!
Derek and Bosco

December 22, 2015

A Christmas Wish/The Great Rupert

To download, right-click here and choose, "Save file as..."

Merry Christmas (or whichever holiday suits your needs)! Once again, it's that time, kids!

We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our Next of Kin...
It's time for the last of the pre-Christmas Holiday Moviepalooza shows! And boy howdy, did the guys pick a interesting one.

This week's episode is a Jimmy Durante flick from 1950, originally called The Great Rupert. Some time later, it was retitled and packaged as A Christmas Wish. Either way, it's the story of the Amendola family, who are Vaudeville circus performers, specializing in "The Human Pyramid". That is, at least, until their daughter, Rosalinda (played by Terry Moore), grew up and Mom (Queenie Smith) wasn't able to let Rosalinda sit on her head anymore...Or something like that.

Say, little lady...You can sit on my head anytime!
When they arrive in town, they run into an old friend, Joe (Jimmy Conlin), who trained a squirrel named Rupert to dance around in a kilt. When, surprisingly, an agent refused to represent the act, Joe releases Rupert into the park to live the rest of his life in squirrel-like bliss.

Oh, I'll dance, all right...I'll dance on your grave, old man!
The Amendolas rent Joe's old apartment (for a whopping $32 a month!) from the Dingle family, which includes Frank (Frank Orth), Katie (Sara Haden), and their proto-beatnik son, Pete (Tom Drake), who refuses to get a job, preferring to stay home and rock out on his sousaphone.

Pete's father is all about money, and when a letter arrives telling him that a gold mine he invested in years before was finally paying out, he starts receiving checks for $1500 every week. Choosing not to trust banks, he makes a hole in the bedroom wall and stuffs it all in there, where Rupert happens to be staying.

I'm rich, bitch!
Rupert, fearing papercuts on his nuts, decides to throw the money out the entrance of his new place, where it lands in the hands of Mrs. Amendola, who just happened to be praying for help because they were broke. What are the odds?!

Pete and Rosalinda hit it off and want to do all sorts of naughty things, including the perform the piece of music Pete wrote for the two of them, but there are other guys who want a crack at her, too, including Joe's old agent. Rosalinda uses this situation as an opportunity to get Pete's music heard my people who might give him gobs of money for it, because if you can't get rich playing music written for tuba and harp, then why even try.

The Amendolas and the Dingles get together and have a little party, since Frank now believes that he is rich, and the Amendolas know that they are rich, and everybody's all happy and crap, at least until Mr. Amendola sits down and starts singing and telling horrible jokes.

You can't read my poker faaaaace...
Pete decides he needs a job to be able to marry Rosalinda, so he takes a job at a soda fountain, where he gets a hot tip from a customer about an oil well. When Pete's dad won't loan him the $2000 to invest, Mr. Amendola gives it to him, as he has been doing with several businesses around town with the "prayer money" his wife has been collecting from "God" (aka  squirrel) every Thursday for a month.

When word about Amendola's money gets around, people start asking questions, and those questions get to the ears of the local police, the IRS, and the FBI, who all appear to question the family about this sudden influx of money they have. When they attempt to demonstrate their magical hotline to God's checking account, nothing happens, and everyone wants to arrest Jimmy Durante. (A perfectly reasonable reaction, really.)

You'll never take me alive, coppers! Ah-cha-cha-cha!
Will they be arrested? Will Rupert ever give up his felonious ways? Will Pete ever ditch the black turtleneck and get hitched? Will Rosalinda ever give up the goods to Pete or the agent guy? Tune in to find out...

Derek has no shame in admitting how much he enjoys this film. it's goofy and corny, but he likes it. So shut up about it, will ya?

Larry is passionate about the polar bearskin rug (with built-in radio!) that Amendola buys. It's really neat!

Jake has a very upsetting theory about how Rupert was animated. It's icky. Really.

There's also lots of news in The Lobby, new movies Coming Soon, a new Hollywood Purgatory, Larry's List, a surprisingly serious edition of Inside My Head, and throughout, the gang has a lot of mean things to say about Pete, but never explains why.

So put on your ugliest tie and jacket, and tune in! And have a super-awesome holiday!

December 20, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, gang! I'm going to tell you up front: This post is going to be .GIF-free today for a couple of reasons. First, I'm tired and want to sleep. Second, I have to get it posted now because I won't be able to on Monday; Jake and I are going to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens. (Larry already saw it.)

Anyway, it was an interesting week. Martin Shkreli, PharmaBro and apparent Wu-Tang Clan fan, was arrested and taken into custody by the FBI this week for running a Ponzi scheme that soaked investors of millions of dollars at a previous firm where he worked.

It does my heart good to see that worthless douche nugget being hauled away in handcuffs...

And, as I said earlier, Star Wars: The Force Awakens was released. Although its announced release date was December 18th, many theaters were showing it the day before. In fact, the theater at the mall here in Port Huron had two showings that started at 7:00 PM on Thursday.

I realize it may come as a surprise to many of you that there was a new Star Wars movie coming out, being as they hardly advertised it at all or anything. And they released it up against a new Chipmunks movie?! Good luck trying to take down that monster, Star Wars guys!

But enough of that stuff. Let's look at some tweets! And, if you dig what you read, come on over to Twitter and join us to find even more funny, or make your own!

In no particular order...

And there you have it! Another great group of tweets from a group of hilariously awesome folks. Now get out there and have an awesome week! And to start it off, here's a cheesy Christmas video for you to snort at or ignore!

All the best, and have the happiest of holidays!
Derek and Bosco

December 16, 2015

Rare Exports

To download, right-click here and choose, "Save file as..."

Hey, guys...Ya know what time it is?

You bet your hinder it is!
And this week the guys sat down to watch Rare Exports, a Finnish film about greed, crumbling families, what a horrible lie Santa Claus is, how Finland is experiencing what appears to be a shortage of pants, and, above all, NAKED OLD GUY SCROTUM.

Yes, if you find yourself watching classic holiday films such as It's A Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story, or whichever version of Scrooge/A Christmas Carol suits your preferences, and you find yourself thinking, "Gosh, I certainly wish this movie contained more wrinkly old guy asses and ball sacs," then this film is for you!

Even when if you can't see it, you know his balls are right...there.
This movie is about Pietari (Onni Tommila), a small boy who looks like Bjork, and his attempts to get people to listen to him, despite his incredibly poor fashion choices. He and his father (Jorma Tommila) live and work at a reindeer ranch, which they seem to share with a couple other guys (Tomi Korpela as Aimo, and Rauno Juvonen as Piiparinen, who looks like Walter from The Big Lebowski). When all but two of their reindeer are killed, they believe the local excavating company, SubZero, Inc., which claimed to be there for studying seismic activity, using explosives caused the local wolves to attack the reindeer. The men also discover that the company may have been up to something far more nefarious. This, in fact, turns out to be exactly the case.

And yet...

It also turns out to be absolutely nothing what they thought at the same time. Because it turns out that the nefarious plans of the company involved excavating a frozen Santa Claus. Or was it...

When Pieteri's father finds a presumably dead guy in one of his wolf traps, he takes the body back to his butchering shed to figure out what to do about it, being as wolf traps are illegal and the guy had obviously been aerated by one of the wooden stakes in the pit. So he gets Piiparinen to come over and help him chop it up into tiny bits. Unfortunately, that plan is derailed when the guy wakes up and tries to eat Piiparinen's ear.

As the two men, joined by Pieteri and Aimo, try to figure out what to do with the old guy, a radio in the coat the man was wearing starts squawking, asking of "the cargo is ready to move". They also discover that the old guy is attracted to the scent of both children and gingerbread.

This means something...This is important...
The men tell the voice on the radio that they have Santa Claus, and they want enough money to cover the cost of their lost reindeer, and they make arrangements to trade their new friend for bags of money, What could possibly go wrong?

Funny you should ask, because it turns out the old guy is actually one of Santa's "helpers", and he, along with many others are there to protect Santa, who is being held in a nearby warehouse.

Not your dad's Santa Claus...
And by "protect", we mean steal all the kids from the village, cram them in potato sacks, and pile them under Santa along with all the heaters in town. This does not bode well, and Pieteri is the only one who knows what to do.

His plan involves luring the "helpers" away from Santa so the men can blow the entire warehouse to smithereens, because Finland! This leads to a very disturbing scene where a helicopter carrying a giant net filled with kids (still in potato sacks) being chased by a huge crowd of surprisingly spry naked old dudes.

So much elderly, wrinkled scrotum.
After the explosion, the old guys are herded into a corral...But what to do with them now? Tune in to find out!

Larry is concerned about Pieteri's fashion choices, including hockey pads and helmet, cardboard taped to his ass, and a loaded shotgun. Also, Pieteri's best friend has a mullet and seems to hate him.

Derek is so very, very upset by all the naked old dudes. They just so nude. It's very upsetting. The film is beautifully shot, though. The saggy taint skin comes through with stunning clarity.

Jake, while also bothered by these things, presents an interesting theory concerning where the "helpers" came from. He makes some good sense.

There's also news in The Lobby, a lot of talk about Star Wars in Coming Soon, some serious disagreement with Larry's List, and an interesting look at Jake's childhood in Inside My Head. There's also a lot of completely unnecessary mockery of George Lucas throughout, but it was all in good fun. Really.

So check out this week's episode! But put on some pants first.

December 14, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well, guys, it's another week, and we're creeping closer and closer to Christmas. Therefore, I've been doing a few things here and there to get myself into the holiday spirit of things. F'rinstance,..

And, of course, I've decided not to talk about terrible stuff in these posts until after Christmas. Instead, I've chosen to put in pictures of basset hounds doing things in slow motion. Picture them with Santa hats, if you think that'll help.

I do want to talk about a couple of super-groovy things, though.

First, of course, we all know that next weekend will see the release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. When this list next appears, we will be living in a post-J.J. Abrams' Star Wars world. And I have to be honest; judging by what I've seen and heard, I'm going to be okay with that. So bring it on!

Bacon, bacon, BACON!
Also, I wanted to make a huge shout-out to Joel Hodgeson, Jonah Ray, Felicia Day, Patton Oswalt, Hampton Yount, Baron Vaughn, and all the other folks who will be involved in the new season of Mystery Science Theater 3000! In thirty-one days, Joel and friends managed to raise about $6.4 million to make the show, and to push it past it's goal of $6 million, they agreed to add two more episodes! So we're getting fourteen new episodes of my favorite TV show ever!

What do you think, sirs?

Funnily enough, this is what George Lucas looks like when he shakes his head, too!
And, of course, Twitter was awesome as always. If you don't believe me, go over there and join in the fun. Then I'll expect a detailed apology letter...if you can pull yourself away from it long enough.

Anyway, here's a delicious, munchy, crunchy, chocolatey taste of some tweets from the folks over there, in no particular order...

And there you have it! So get out there and get your shopping done! If you're looking for something to buy for me, if you can find something with the words "LEGO" and "Star Wars" on it, that'll do fine. Meanwhile, dig this video clip from the #BringBackMST3K Streaming Telethon that brought in the remainder of the money for the Kickstarter campaign. It's Dana Gould as Dr. Zaius as William Shatner doing a dramatic reading of "Santas Claus Is Coming To Town".

Awesome, right? Well, finish it out with this .gif, which Bosco insisted I put this on here...

So floppy...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco

December 9, 2015

Jingle All The Way

To download, right-click here and choose, "Save file as..."

It's time for Holiday Moviepalooza: Episode Two!

This week, Jake couldn't appear on the show because he had stuff that needed to get done, which is a real bummer because his awesome Ah-nuld impression was sorely missed. But Derek and Larry decided to power through the disappointment and watch Jingle All The Way as a duo.

And what a movie it was!

Jingle All The Way is the story of Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a terrible father who commits numerous felonies in an attempt to purchase the love of his son, Jamie (a pre-Phantom Menace Jake Lloyd), while simultaneously having to deal with his wife, Liz (Rita Wilson), being constantly bombarded with creepy looks and subtle attempts to get her out of her clothes by Howard's neighbor, Ted. (The late Phil Hartman.)

He's like that creepy uncle that gives you five bucks each Christmas to rub his feet.
To make matters even worse, Howard has to deal with the fact that his character lives in a world where guys like Sinbad (as lunatic postman--because that joke isn't old--Myron) are allowed to roam freely. So, obviously, it's some kind of dark, horrible dystopia, right?

Anyway, Howard, failing in every way possible as a father within the first ten minutes, lies to his wife and swears he bought Jamie the toy of the season: Turbo Man. Or, as Howard pronounces it, "T'YERbomin".

There is just one small problem...Well, aside from the whole Sinbad-walking-around-freely thing...None of the stores in town have any Turbo Man dolls left. How do we know this? Because we get to follow Howard to every single one of them.

He also fights a mob of mall Santas, but who wouldn't want to see that?
Along the way, he assaults a police officer several times, destroys city property, assaults numerous people, is involved in the bombing of a radio station, impersonates a police officer, abuses animals, endangers children, purchases counterfeit goods, harasses a small child, and so much more. But it appears to run in his family.

It was because Jamie didn't have Qui-Gonn's calming influence early on.
Even after all of this, Howard still hasn't managed to get a Turbo Man for his son. So, of course, he impersonates him in the local parade, which just happens to be giving away a special edition, one-of-a-kind Turbo Man doll to one lucky kid that Turbo Man himself will choose! What are the odds?

As good as the odds that years of steroid use has made a codpiece completely unnecessary.
Naturally, Howard picks Jamie, which puts the kid in danger because Myron shows up dressed as Turbo Man's arch-enemy, Dementor! He looks a bit like Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Will Howard/Turbo Man rescue Jamie from the evil clutches of Dementor/Myron? Will Jamie finally give his father the love he is so desperately trying to purchase with insincere baubles? Will Howard be charged for the vast array of crimes he committed over the course of his day? And why does everyone in this movie but Phil Hartman look so confused?

As an actor in a movie, this should not be your resting face throughout
unless it is scripted.
Larry is shocked that this movie isn't nearly as good as he recalls it being back when he saw it at the age of seventeen. He really, really dislikes Sinbad, as any right-thinking person should.

Derek is alarmed at the ease with which Howard is able to commit so many crimes. If this is the sort of thing a big, dumb Austrian gets up to while simply Christmas shopping, it would be extremely worrying to see what he does when he's actually trying to cause mayhem.

There's also Star Wars news in The Lobby, new movies Coming Soon, some questionable choices in Larry's List, and a visit to Christmas Past when Derek looks Inside My Head.

So fire up the Christmas lights and get your Santa hat, and listen to this week's episode!

December 8, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Cripes, you guys...One week. That's all I wanted...Just one week without a bunch of people getting all dead because some asshole(s) decided they felt the need to exercise their constitutional right to, I dunno, aerate other people with assault weapons. In San Bernardino, California, 14 people were killed, and 17 more were injured. (I think...either number might be higher, but I haven't had the opportunity to read up on it. And, quite frankly, there's nothing I want to read less.)

So, in an attempt to make sure you guys keep your mind moving in the proper, non-murdery direction, this week's pics have googly eyes. You're welcome.

Don't make Dobby cry, you bastards.
Anyway, other things that happened last week include former vice-president Richard "The Dick" Cheney got a bust of himself installed at the Capital Visitors' Center in Washington, D.C.

Astoundingly, he failed to burst into flames under direct sunlight. Who knew, right?

See? This is how ALL movies should be done...
Also, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have spawned again, this time having a boy and naming it Saint West. Wow. Just wow.

Meanwhile, I kept my mind on other, more important stuff. You know...Deep philosophical things...

I know you are, but what am I?
Anyway, the folks on Twitter (which you should totally go join) had a field day this week, and the funny rolled on like some sort of rolling thing. So what say we haver a look at some of it?

In no particular order...

And there you have it! Now get out there and finish the week with pure, unbridled awesomeness, will you? And remember: Just a little over a week before Star Wars: The Force Awakens hits theaters! So get out there and shine up your Darth Vader helmets and lightsabers!

I'm pretty sure this was an early prototype...
But before you do, check out this nifty clip from the guys at Loot Crate about modern lightsaber battles...

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

December 2, 2015

Santa Claus (1959)

To download, right-click here and choose, "Save file as..."

Hey, guys! Guess what time it is!

Because we're all about staid and dignified advertising.
That's right! And to get things started, the guys watched 1959's Santa Claus, a Mexican film that features Santa Claus and all the other familiar Christmas tropes, such as Satan's minions, the Greek god Vulcan, demonic mechanical reindeer, Merlin the Magician, and intensely racist images of child laborers!

An actual image of  "African" children from the movie. What. The. Hell?
Anyway, it's Christmastime, which, as we all know, means Santa has to leave his

Wait a minute. That can't be right, can it? Let me check my notes...

Yep. That's what it says...Okay, whatever.

It's Christmastime, and time for Santa to get ready to leave his castle in space, so he can deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls all over the world. (Of which there are about four, according to this movie, and they all live in Mexico.)

Including the adorable, but continually terrified, Lupita.
But before he can get to terrorizing small children, Santa has to get up to speed on who has been naughty or nice. To do this, he must visit his surveillance team and their top-of-the-line equipment, which his crack team of child laborers uses to spy on the children of Earth.

There, he spies on Lupita, a poor little girl whose only wish is to have a new dolly for Christmas. Of course, being poor, her only option is theft, and while she feels that stealing is not really the way to go, she is receiving mixed signals in the form of Pitch, one of Lucifer's super-fey and wispy demons from the bowels of Hell.

Played by Scott Ian of the band Anthrax.
Pitch tries to convince Lupita to just take the doll because nobody will miss it and, he says, that's the only way she will ever own a doll because she's so poor. Pitch is kind of a dick, to be honest. And Lupita isn't going to fall for his shenanigans.

Santa also takes a few moments (by which we mean about ten or twelve minutes) to hold a jam session on his factory floor, where, in an attempt to keep costs low, he forces dozens of kidnapped children to listen to his half-assed keyboard noodling and make toys for other, better kids.

 We understand Santa's tech support department is top-notch, though.
As Santa continues to prepare (by which we mean he spends an inordinate amount of time dicking around while those kids do all the work), Pitch goes to work on three boys who are way easier to lead to the Dark Side. He gets them to break windows, set traps for Santa, and "beat each other's brains in!" (Pitch's own words.)

After a visit to Merlin the Magician to get some new tech for his mission, Santa winds up his reindeer and hits the road.

One of the kids he visits is a weird little ginger boy. All the little boy wants is for his parents, a horrible couple who regularly leave the boy at home so they can go out and party, to love him. Santa sees an opening, and things get really dark.

Mr. Claus...Are you trying to seduce me?
His lust for young boys sated, Santa moves along and eventually finds himself face-to-face with Pitch, and you, the lucky viewer, get to see the Battle Royale between the forces of Good and Evil, which is surprisingly stupid, and features attacks that reach Home Alone-levels of complexity!

But that's not the end of it! A rematch happens when Pitch manages to get Santa trapped in a tree by a medium-sized dog.

Cut me some slack! I'm allergic!
Will Santa escape to the safety and comfort of his castle in the sky? (It still sounds weird saying it.) Will the little boys fight until they are pulpy masses of bloody gunk? Will Santa's slave children escape his iron-fisted rule? Will Lupita ever get her doll?

You'll have to watch and listen to find out!

Jake is terribly disturbed by what he claims is the onscreen defiling of the ginger boy's innocence by Santa. The others aren't completely sure that this is what actually happened, but they're willing to give Jake the benefit of the doubt because, in context with the rest of this weird-ass movie, it's not that much of a stretch.

Derek is concerned about the implied theology this movie presents. God and Jesus are not mentioned, Santa is considered the highest good in the land, despite his unwarranted surveillance of innocent people for his own personal reasons. The Greek god of Fire, Vulcan, spends his retirement days making metal geegaws for Santa's breaking-and-entering adventures. And Merlin, a powerful wizard, also works for Santa, making an unlimited supply of drugs and anesthetics for whatever diabolical plans his boss feels necessary.

Larry is upset by all of it, but mostly by Pitch, whose puffy shorts and over-the-top activities seem needlessly dangerous not only to himself, but to the children he draws into his sinister web. Making it even worse, almost none of these things work. Pitch is an incompetent idiot, and it's easy to see why he is such a low-ranking demon in Lucifer's organization. Larry also finds the reindeer a bit on the creepy side.

Welcome to hell! Bow down to me! BOW DOWN TO ME!
There's also Gremlins news in The Lobby, new releases Coming Soon, weird movies in Larry's List, and super-rapey songs in Derek's Inside My Head segment!

So get a fire in the fireplace, warm up some cocoa, and tune in to this week's show!