September 30, 2015

The House By The Cemetery

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Sometimes you want your plain old, locally-sourced zombie-like monsters shambling around your house, eating people, and generally being a real inconvenience.

Other times, you have to import something a little...different.

Hi! That'd be me! I'm made from dried apples!
This week, to start the second half of their trek toward 100 episodes, the guys sat down to watch Italian gore master Lucio Fulci's The House By The Cemetery. It's about a family that moves from New York to Boston so the husband can research the mysterious Dr. Freudstein, although it is never explained exactly why he is researching. This is just one of many questions this movie presents and then completely fails to answer.

For example, what the hell is this all about?
Norman (Paolo Malco) and his wife, Lucy (Catriona MacColl) pack up their oddly-voiced son, Bob (Giovanni Frezza) and hit the road, despite Bob's insistence that a little girl (Teresa Rossi Passante) in a picture of the house keeps trying to tell him not to go to Boston. (Probably for chowder-related reasons.)

Brian Bonsall, Richard Chamberlain, and Heather Graham!
Upon arrival, a mannequin's head falls off, and the weird little girl from the picture shows up and gives Bob a filthy old doll while his parents are talking to their realtor, Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life. Then, gross doll in tow, they go to the titular cemetery-surrounded house, where they meet up with the new babysitter, Ann (Ania Pieroni) and her upsetting eyebrows.

Oh, hello. Just summoning some evil to freshen the place up, is all.
Almost immediate, weird stuff starts happening. Strange noises, lots of close-ups of people's eyes, an inordinate lack of interest in giant bloodstains on the floor, and the discovery of what appears to be a crypt in the basement leads to a long, drawn-out bat stabbing.

It's filled with delicious Smucker's preserves!
Finally, in a face-off with the creepy guy in the basement, everybody dies and Bob ends up face-to-face with Dr. Freudstein himself, who has been killing people for their body parts, which he uses like batteries to keep himself alive. (Sorta.) After a confrontation...something happens. We think. To be honest, the end is really vague. Did Bob die? Did he escape? Does Dr. Freudstein keep killing to survive? Who is Mae and why? What the hell is going on here?!

Jake has several theories to explain why the movie is so disjointed and confusing. Surprisingly, only one of them involves a lot of drugs!

Larry hates Bob and his voice. It's just awful. Really. As this is an Italian film with Italian actors (despite taking place in Boston), it's understandable that the actors might need to be dubbed. But why do they always pick an adult to do unconvincing kids' voices?

Derek is angered by the iimplied travel times involved in going from New York to Boston, and believes that it might involve some sort of time portal in the kitchen of the house. He also does not trust Ann's eyebrows. They are upsetting.

There's also news in The Lobby, new movies Coming Soon, questions about James Cameron in Hollywood Purgatory, a very loud Larry's List, and a new game show! And a special announcement about October's theme: Month of the Living Dead!

So sit down, plug in, and listen to this week's show!

September 28, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody! To amuse nobody but myself, I am going to randomly insert a few .gifs featuring Patrick Stewart (whose show Blunt Talk I would highly recommend) during this week's post. F'rinstance, this:

Drink it in...
What a busy week  it was last week! So much stuff going on, and the hilarious folks at Twitter were right on top of it.

First, hedge fund manager and anthropomorphic talking sphincter Martin Shkreli showed the world what a colossal asshole he was by buying a 52-year-old drug that is very important to HIV treatment, and he jacked the price up by either 1350% or 1500%, depending on whose side of the story you're hearing. Either way, it was a shitty thing to do, and Twitter responded appropriately. Some pointed out Shkreli's personality (he really is a shitty human being)...

While others, including myself, noticed a similarity to another thing that was terrible and nobody liked...

The backlash was pretty intense, and Shkreli finally caved in, sort of, and lowered the price "closer" to what it was before.

Patrick Stewart: Dancing Machine
Also, Pope Francis came to the U.S. for a visit. He saw the president, spoke to Congress, Told some jokes, and had lunch with some homeless people.

The above-mentioned lunch, it should be noted, took the place of a lunch invite from members of Congress. The Pope totally blew them off to actually do a pope-y thing. Good on him. And while I'll be the first to point out that I am not a religious person at all, I have a lot of respect for this guy because he is trying to bring his followers into the current century.

And finally, possibly as a result of the Pope's visit, House Speaker John Boehner has surprised everybody by announcing that he will retire at the end of October.

Many are speculating that Boehner is basically doing an endrun around those that want to boot him from his position (the Tea Party wing of the Republicans) because they think he is a little too friendly(?!) with the Democrats. Personally, I have a different opinion.

Either way, he'll be gone, and the guy that everyone thinks is going to replace him is already getting shit on by the Tea Party guys. Good luck to him on that.
And so, now we're at this week's list. As always, there was a ton of funny, and picking just ten was difficult. However, I put myself through all this for you, the reader. Especially those of you who, for some reason, still won't take my advice and just go over there and join so you can see even more funny. But, hey...Who am I to judge?

Anyway, here's the list, in no particular order...

And there you have it! So get out there and have an awesome week, will ya? And to kick it off, here's a remix of Patrick Stewart and other members of the Enterprise telling Wesley Crusher to shut up.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

September 23, 2015

The Here Be Spoilers/Ugly Couchcast 50th Episode Crossover

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That's right! The guys have hit fifty episodes of Here Be Spoilers, and they're celebrating by bringing back The Ugly Couchcast to just talk about the first forty-nine shows, play a few of their favorite clips, and think about the future of the show, including what movies they really, really want to watch for the show, which episode so far was their favorite, which was the worst, and so much more.

Derek falls into his old Couchcast spot as the guy asking most of the questions and then still talking a lot more than everyone else.

Jake explains where his ability to make such colorful comparisons to characters and situations in the movies comes from. We also learn a little more about his early childhood, Barbara Walters-style, but with less crying.

Larry reveals his secret identity as the show's archivist, being able recall specific moments from previous episodes with startling accuracy and speed. He's now officially the Keeper of Records.

Bosco does Bosco stuff. He does it quietly, as is his way, and he is always watching...

Artist's rendering
So tune in! Listen! Question your choices! This thing ain't gonna listen to itself! And stay tuned...More Here Be Spoilers is on the way!

September 20, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Surprise! I got the list done early! I know, I know...I'm as shocked as any of you. But it happened, and here we are.

So, this week, Kim Davis went back to work and immediately went about breaking the law again by removing her name from the marriage licenses that her office is supposed to issue, as well as removing the signature area for her assistant clerks to sign. This woman is a terrible, hateful, homophobic human being. Why has she not been fired yet?

Nerd humor!
Also, a bright, creative 14-year-old boy named Ahmed Mohamed in Irving, Texas, was arrested for bringing a digital clock he built inside a pencil case that was about 8"x5.5". The police said he was arrested because it was a hoax bomb.

A police spokesman said, "We attempted to question the juvenile about what it was," without, it should be noted, a lawyer or his parents present, "and he would simply only tell us that it was a clock." That would be because that's all it was.

But because this kid has brown skin and his family is Muslim, they refused to accept that it was exactly what he said it was, and he was arrested. He was later released and not charged, but the police did not apologize for arresting him. He was also suspended from school, to which he and his family have decided he will not be returning.

Clearly a dangerous criminal!
And while the right wing nutjobs have been going nuts, claiming, among other things, that this kid built "half a bomb" and it was "in a suitcase", sane, intelligent people, many in the field of technology, decided to respond with a little more positivity.

Also, this guy, who you may have seen or heard of before:

And, of course, the folks on Twitter had a field day with both of these stories.

But we're not here to look at those tweets. If you want to see 'em, look 'em up.

No, I'm here to show you some of the funny stuff people who aren't me had to say about regular (and weird) everyday life. So what say we get to doing that? And, as always, if you dig what you read, feel free to hop on over and follow these people. They are hilarious!

So, in no particular order...

And there you have it! So get out there and have an awesome week, will ya? And to get you started, here's a clip from Jeopardy! where a lady actually got Alex Trebek to say "Turd Ferguson". If you're not sure why this is funny (other than just because Alex said "Turd" on national television), I suggest you look up the old SNL Jeopardy! sketches with Will Farrell and Norm MacDonald. It will all become so clear...

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

September 16, 2015

The Room

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Ohai, everybody! So good to see you. You look so sexy...

This week, the guys sat down to watch Tommy Wiseau', The Room. And because he's not a totally evil person, Derek allowed them to watch it riffed by the guys at RiffTrax. It made it a little less painful, but not entirely.

For instance, they had to stare at this dude's lumpy body, and it was horrible.
Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) is a banker who loves his fiancee Lisa (Juliette Danielle) and gives her everything she wants and needs. Lisa, on the other hand, is a shameless whore who wants to sleep with everybody and everything she can find, including Johnny's best friend, Mark (Greg Sestero).

She even allows this half-melted sculpture to mount her.
And this guy, too.
Her libido is unstoppable!
Oh, that's just gross.
There's also a creepy kid (Philip Haldiman), who has some sort of dark, drug-related secret, and sneaks into Johnny and Lisa's apartment for his own disturbing purposes:

And, of course, we can't forget Claudette (Carolyn Minnott), Lisa's mother, who is incredibly bad at relaying important news.

For her part, Lisa is surprisingly cavalier about it, blowing off her mother's life-shattering news by saying, "It'll be fine, mom..." Although, to be fair, Lisa's mind is probably busy trying to keep track of all the horrible, bloated sex she's having and with whom, so she can track "patient zero" for each of the hundreds of STDs she is no doubt carrying. (If we had to guess, most of them came from Johnny. Not because he's promiscuous or anything; we're just guessing he got them from Lisa, or he's some sort of terrible science experiment gone horribly awry.)

When Lisa decides that thin, wispy Mark is the man of her dreams, she launches into a plan to make Johnny look like a horrible person, telling everyone that he got drunk and hit her.

Johnny, for his part, is still standing by his woman, although nobody can quite understand why.

Things come to a head at Johnny's birthday party, when Lisa begins publicly dry-humping Mark while Johnny stands idly by, looking for all the world like he is in intense pain (that's his resting expression), before finally confronting the two of them.

When Lisa announces she wants to be with Mark, Johnny loses it and bad things happen.

A spirited game of football! From three feet away!
Will Johnny get it together and realize that Lisa is a terrible human being? Will Mark also come to this realization? How about Claudette? Will Denny ever stop wanting to watch Johnny rub his gross, oily, stringy body against Lisa's upsetting, bloated, linebacker-esque one? WILL THIS MOVIE EVER END?!

Jake is upset by the number of gratuitous sex scenes; especially the ones that show Tommy Wiseau's weird, lumpy body. And why does his ass have shoulder blades?!

Larry is also upset by Johnny's ass, but is also concerned about Lisa's blase attitude toward hearing her mother is suffering from breast cancer. (In Lisa's defense, Claudette seems kind of "meh" about it herself.)

Derek can't get the idea of this movie being performed by characters from the Lord of the Rings trilogy of movies out of his head. Listen in to hear his imitation of Johnny as performed by Gollum!

There's also news in The Lobby, next weekend's movie releases in Coming Soon, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory, and another spirited round of Cards Against Humanity!

So tune in and help us figure out just what Johnny's accent is supposed to be!

September 14, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Another fun week, another batch of funny tweets!

There was a lot going on this past week, including homophobic religious nutbag Kim Davis being released from jail after five of the six clerks in her Rowan County, Kentucky office began issuing marriage licenses again, including to gay couples. The sixth clerk, Davis' son, still refused to do so.

Davis is back to "work" today, still refusing to issue licenses, although she says she will not stop her clerks from doing so. This presents a few issues, not the least of which is whether licenses issued by her office, but unsigned by her, are legitimate. All this hassle and bullshit because this hateful, classless twat is reading a book that has been misinterpreted and cherry-picked to justify being that way.

Now with pictures!
Also, Rick Perry has dropped out of the vast field of people running for the GOP presidential nomination. Perry, who earlier this year announced his entrance into the race by saying God told him to run, suspended his campaign after the tide of money quickly dried up faster than the vaginas of any unfortunate women who unknowingly Googled "Santorum" without first talking to their more internet-savvy friends.

This is the least offensive image of it I could find.
So now the field is down to something like 184 people running for the GOP nomination. And just think: We've got another year of this to sit through!

Meanwhile, over on the Democratic side, the two people anyone is paying attention to--Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders--are casually sitting by, waiting for the GOP thing to implode while they sip mimosas and try to figure out whether the vice president is going to run.

And over in Twitterland, people continue to make with the funny! So what say we have a look at it, won't we? In no particular order...

And there you have it!

That about wraps it up for me over here. I've got to start editing this week's episode of Here Be Spoilers (we watched The Room) and try to cobble together something interesting for our 50th episode. So get out there and have an awesome week. (Also, if you get a chance, take a look at this post I wrote about last week's movie, The Last Man on Earth, in which I argue that the entire movie took place in the lead character's mind,) And to kick it off, here's a neat little clip that Larry told me about. It's not so much funny as it is mind-bendingly awesome. Dig it.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

September 11, 2015

The Last Man On Earth: An Argument For Insanity

This past week on Here Be Spoilers, Larry, Jake, and I sat down to watch Vincent Price in 1964's The Last Man on Earth.

She's being watched over by Edgar Winter!

For those of you unfamiliar with the film, it is the first of three films that were based on the Richard Matheson (thanks, Barry!) novel, I Am Legend, the other two being The Omega Man with Charlton Heston, and, of course, I Am Legend starring Will Smith.

While I haven't seen The Omega Man yet, although it is on our list of films to watch for the show, I have seen I Am Legend. And though I didn't much care for it, the story is pretty straightforward, showing Will Smith's character trying to maintain his sanity while he works alone on the deserted island of Manhattan to find a cure for the plague that has turned millions into what appear to be poorly-rendered CGI zombies that were rejected from the original Resident Evil game. His primary focus, other than not going crazy, is trying to find the cure.

And going for walkies!

And, if you've seen the movie, you know how it ends. I don't want to give away too much, but everything explodes (literally) and everyone dies. It's a real "feel good" kind of movie, on par with Fried Green Tomatoes, is what I'm saying.

The main idea, though, is that Smith's character (I cannot remember if his character has the same name as Vincent Price's in The Last Man on Earth, and, honestly, I don't care enough to look it up) is focused on getting things done so he can get his family back.

This is very much not the case in The Last Man on Earth.

You see, I have a theory. And, although it may seem like I'll be trying to be funny with this in order to keep it light, I think it's still a legitimate argument that requires some serious consideration.

Before I go too deeply into it, let me outline the plot as I saw it, and then we can get on with the theory itself.

The short version.

Vincent Price is Dr. Robert Morgan, a virologist who is alone in his (unnamed) town. Well, as alone as he can be with dozens of vampire-like pale people lurching around and gathering at his house at night to demand he come out so they can, I don't know...Maybe kill him or something. It's never really established what they have against him, although a look at his other activities might be an indicator.

During the day, Dr. Bob (as I call him) drives around in his station wagon, gathering bodies of those who have succumbed to the virus, driving them to the giant pit where the army was dumping them, and burning them. The fire is constantly going. He also drives around (there is a lot of driving going on in this movie) and finding people who, while stricken with the virus, have yet to die. When he finds them, he kills them by hammering stakes through their hearts with the most effeminate swing ever recorded on celluloid. It must take hours to just kill one vampire/zombie.

The rest of his time, which, after these activities, really isn't a whole lot, is spent making new stakes on his lathe, trying to contact anyone who might be listening with his ham radio, and, when he's finally run out of other stuff to do, trying to find the cure. He really doesn't spend a lot of time doing the one thing that you would think he should be completely focused on.

Science-y stuff!

At one point in the film, while car shopping (because the zombie/vampires took it upon themselves to tear his car to pieces), he finds a labradoodle and chases it around for a while. When he discovers it, too, is infected, he stakes it and buries it.

Then there is the flashback sequence, which felt like it took up about a third of the movie, where we see that Dr. Bob's wife and daughter, as well as his work colleagues also fell to the virus. In one truly heart wrenching scene, he tries to keep the Army from throwing his daughter's body into the giant fire pit. That's the basic idea of the flashback, but it was way longer.

Finally, he sees a woman (Ruth) and chases her down, piles her in the car, and takes her back to his house, where he gives her a transfusion of his own blood and then threatens her with garlic. (Because vampires.) She claims that the garlic only bothers her because she has a delicate stomach, but we then find out that she is infected. However, before he can turn her into a potsticker, she explains that she has been working with another group of scientists who are also working on a cure, and they've made some progress. Their serum allows an infected person to keep the virus in check with injections. While not a cure, it's certainly a step in the right direction.

For some reason, however, the scientists don't think he's made enough progress and decide that he needs to die. After a chase and a shoot-out, he is trapped in the church where his wife's body is kept in a coffin, and they spear him with a metal spike, killing him.

Should not have gone to Taco Bell before the big shoot-out.

Now we come to my theory and the reasons behind it.

To put it succinctly, I believe that everything that we see in the film is a hallucination in Dr. Bob's mind, possibly brought on by the death of his daughter, and, as a result, he has become a serial killer that is going on a rampage. The only way he can be stopped is for him to be trapped by an undercover police officer (Ruth) who allows herself to be taken hostage, in order for her fellow police officers to track Dr. Bob and bring him to the equivalent of whatever passed for justice in 1964.

Let's look at the facts:

1. Everything we see is from Dr. Bob's point-of-view, and everything seems somewhat off-kilter. When his house is surrounded by the vampire/zombies, the one who leads the group is his closest coworker, which seems unlikely to me. This guy stands outside the door, hitting it with a piece of wood and shouting "Bob...come out..." in the most bored-sounding way I have ever heard. Speaking as someone who has seen no small amount of zombie movies, it's pretty much established canon that they don't talk. They grunt, growl, and moan.

2. Although he is supposed to be searching for a cure, he is shown doing almost no medical-type work at all, outside of the flashback scenes where he is in the lab before the the outbreak took his wife and child. Instead, he drives around, looking for bodies to burn.

3. This is the big one: When he runs out of bodies to burn, he goes and makes new ones. There is a good two- or three-minute montage of him driving, kicking in doors to find someone screaming, and him coming at them with his hammer and his stake. Are the people screaming because they are in the grip of this mysterious virus? Or are they terrified that an insane man kicked in their door and is there to make them into kebabs?

Is this the activity of a sane, rational mind?

4. When his car is destroyed (by an angry mob?), he just saunters out and steals a new one. As he is looking, he gets easily distracted by a small dog and gives chase. As he runs around town trying to catch it, his inner monologue keeps insisting, "I must find that dog! I must find it!" And when he finally does, he almost immediately decides it is "infected", and kills it with a wooden stake, wraps it in a blanket, and buries it in his back yard. (With the stake still sticking out of the blanket!)

5. Speaking of the stakes, he also has a serious OCD complex that requires him to make dozens of these things on a lathe in his garage every single day. And by the end of the day, they are all gone. His bloodlust cannot be sated!

6. When he meets Ruth, his immediate reaction is to assume she is infected, and he shoves a string of garlic into her face. And while she says she doesn't like the garlic because of her tender stomach, he uses her reaction as an excuse to justify killing her, saying she has the disease.

7. When the other "scientists" come looking for him and interrupt his attempted murder of Ruth, none of them are seen from the front. They are faceless men in black, waving machine guns around and shooting at him. I would not have been surprised to see one of them turn around to reveal a badge on the front of their shirt. And how many roaming groups of scientists (that's a real thing, right? Like free-range scientists?) wander the countryside strapped with automatic weapons?

The Nihilists from The Big Lebowski have had enough.

8. His death takes place where he keeps his wife's body. Although his flashback claims she died, we don't actually see her when she is dead. Is it possible that she is alive in that coffin, and he ran there to use her as a potential hostage in order to escape capture?

Now, I realize all of this is just speculation, but when taken as a whole, it presents an interesting possible alternative to the original story. Everything that we see could just be the deranged thoughts of a man who has lost his grip on reality and is working to find a way that allows these horrible things to happen and keep his conscience clear.

Anyway, that's about it. Tune in next week, when I write a detailed thesis on why the Jedi are an evil, manipulative cult who use their abilities to make weak-minded space hillbillies help them revolt against their government.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

September 9, 2015

The Last Man On Earth

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Before Will Forte, Will Smith, and even Charlton Heston, Vincent Price was The Last Man On Earth.

Based very loosely on the Richard Matheson novel, I Am Legend, Price plays Dr. Robert Morgan, a scientist who, despite believing he is the last actual human left on the planet after a "vampire plague" overtakes the population, including his coworkers, his wife, and his daughter, continues to try to develop an antidote to bring back those few he hasn't murdered with stakes the he constructed himself in his free time.

"This may take a while. I have weak forearms. BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!"
That's right; when he's not doing science-y stuff, he cruises around the countryside in his station wagon, kicking in doors and straight-up killing people because he believes they are vampires. He makes this determination by exposing them to mirrors and garlic, the standard vampire identification tools. If they freak out, he sticks 'em like they're hors d'oeuvres.

Next on Martha Stewart's Living: What to do with leftover corpse meat!
After a lengthy flashback, Dr. Bob is attacked by more zombie/vampire guys who all talk like they're drunk frat boys trying to score some weed from someone else on campus. ("Bobbb...Let us innnn...C'mon, broooo...We know you're holdinnnnn'...") And when he won't let them in, they trash his car. So we get to see him go car shopping! And he chases a dog, too!

He also visits the New York World's Fair for an elephant ear!
Sadly, the little dog is infected with the virus/plague, and Dr. Bob does what any rational pet owner would do when his beloved canine friend (of about a day or two) becomes slightly ill: He pounds a stake through it, wraps it in a blanket, and throws it in a hole.

That's when he meets Ruth...

Ruth claims to have been hiding, and although she reacts poorly to Dr. Bob's garlic necklace (she has a tender tummy), she insists that she is not infected. Dr. Bob doesn't believe her, and gives her a transfusion of his own blood, and a thorough examination.

"Trust me. This is necessary. Open your blouse and say 'Aaah'."
Does Ruth have Vampire Rabies? Will Dr. Bob continue to kill people he doesn't like the look of? Will an army of beatniks come looking for him? You'll just have to listen to find out.

Jake is dubious of Dr. Bob's ability to kill anybody, much less vampire/zombie hybrids who can tear a car apart with their bare hands. Dr. Bob has a pretty weak swing, is what he means.

Larry refuses to call them "vampires". They are not vampires. At best, they are pale people who have image issues and don't care for Italian food. At worst, they are not-very-good zombies.

Derek is pretty certain that Dr.Bob is a serial killer, and all this vampire stuff is just happening in his head to justify his insatiable bloodlust and need to kill people. Just watch the movie. Everything he does seems like the activities of a murderous lunatic.

There's also an informal Vincent Price-Off, Force Friday news in The Lobby, a poorly-run Coming Soon segment, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory that is interrupted for some Nerd Rage, and another round of Jake's Game Show!

So sharpen up your stakes, put a lot of garlic and mirrors around, and listen to this week's episode!

September 7, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody! It's Labor Day, when we here in the U.S. (most of us, anyway) celebrate work by taking the day off and busting out the grill! I, myself, have to work, but will be maybe doing something after.

Dramatic representation of my planned activities.
Anyway, it was another good week on Twitter, and the funny flowed freely. And, although I didn't get over there as much as I usually like to, I was able to put together a nice little chunk of tweets to share with you guys.

So let's get to it, shall we? In no particular order...

And there you have it! As always, if you dig these tweets, go follow these people on Twitter. They write funny stuff all the time.

So, go set fire to some meat and stuff it in your face. Then treat yourself to a bit of something healthier for dessert.

Maybe some fruit?
Also, have a great week. And to start you on that path, here's a rap battle between Busta Rhymes and Steve Carell.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

September 3, 2015


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Remember back in the crazy days of the early 2000's, when M. Night Shyamalan could release a movie and people actually got excited about it, based solely on the fact that he directed it? We were still floating on the heady rush of his ability to make Bruce Willis seem almost likeable in Unbreakable and The Sixth Sense.

Following those two films, he wrote, directed, produced, and probably catered Signs, starring a pre-publically racist Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix (more on him later), Abigail Breslin, and Rory, one of the lesser Culkin children.

We are very excited to be here.
After his daughter discovers crop circles in the family cornfield, former minister Graham Hess (Gibson) and his brother(-in-law?) Merrill (Phoenix) try to figure out just what the heck is going on.

Graham's kids, Morgan (Culkin) and Bo (Breslin), are way smarter than those two, though, and they've already got a pretty good idea what's up:

Don't you shake your head like that. You knew this was coming,
As mysterious lights begin to show up around the world, Merrill sits in a closet, watching it all unfold on TV.

Graham, meanwhile, struggles with his lack of faith, which he lost after his wife was killed in a hit-and-run accident a while back. (Funny story: It was Ray, a friend and former member of Graham's church, and played by the director, who fell asleep at the wheel and plowed into Graham's wife. Okay, so it wasn't funny. Shut up.)

The kids...Well, they have their own way of dealing with things.

Disguising themselves as Hershey Kisses.
When a baby monitor starts receiving communications between alien ships, the family realizes that they are closing in, and the decide to hide out and hope the aliens are just going to maybe steal their cereal and leave.

And maybe poop on their floor.
No such luck. One of them tries to kidnap Morgan, and Merrill goes after it with a baseball bat. His aim is terrible, and he ends up just hitting a lot of half-full glasses of water, but by a lucky coincidence water hurts the aliens, so that's a lucky break.

Other stuff happens, including a bilocating sheriff's deputy, angry spaghetti, and intensely bland acting!

Derek is fixated on Mel Gibson's "I am insane with anger!" yell, and references it many times throughout the show. He is also deeply amused by the way Jake pronounces Joaquin Phoenix's name.

Jake insists that he knows what the obligatory Shyamalan twist is, but after much discussion, neither he nor the others are able to confidently claim this is the case.

Larry (as well as the others) cannot help but be amazed by Abigail Breslin's performance. Not only is she cute as a little button, but she also acts circles around Culkin, and even manages to give Mel freakin' Gibson a run for his money!

Rory Culkin stops Mel Gibson from ruining another scene by ranting about
"the goddamn Jews" again.
There's also Star Wars news in The Lobby, new movies Coming Soon, Hollywood Purgatory, Larry's List, One Thing, and a game of Heads Up with Larry.