November 29, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and filled themselves up with loads of food, napped enthusiastically, and were as surprised as I was to see the Lions actually win a Thanksgiving game.

This week's batch of tweets is going to be dedicated to our pal @redtache, who inspired this week's collection of .gifs when he sent me this one:

Mikey just hasn't been the same since the other Goonies left town.
Anyway, it's been a not especially great week. And I have to say, I'm a little disappointed in you guys. I mean, I thought we agreed last week to not be so...what's the word? Murder-y? Yes, that's it. And yet, someone went and shot up a Planned Parenthood to promote his "Christian" values.

Now don't get me wrong; I know a lot of really nice, good Christian people. They treat others well, they do the best they can to make the world a little better, and they DO NOT go around shooting places up because that place, among many other things, performs a service that the "Christian" doesn't agree with. Sure, they might protest, and that's their right, as it is for all Americans. But protesting by killing people in not something that tends to cross their minds. We need more Christians like that, please.

A little peek into my daily skin care regimen.
And then there's Donald Trump...

Turns out that, while he's getting his base all riled up to go beat up some o' them foreigner types, it turns out that the people in the political party he belongs to (for now) are not especially happy with him about it. Turns out that his not-too-bright supporters may be a little less informed than the GOP thought, and that makes them dangerous.

Let's hope that Trump's dropping poll numbers are a sign that, finally, the GOP has found the line that they aren't willing to cross.

Rick Perry, on the other hand, wants to make this illegal because it's so suggestive.
Also, as I said at the beginning of this post, this past Thursday was Thanksgiving. Along with the traditional eating-enough-to-kill-a-horse and football stuff, there were parades. And one of the best know is the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, which has been going on since before Macy's even existed, which is pretty impressive. As were some of the gigantic balloons..

Oh, and before I forget, there were gobs of awesome tweets from the folks over on Twitter! Being the awesome dude that I am, I grabbed a few of them to give you a little sampling of just how groovy it is over there, and to convince you to join us over there! Here, have a look:

And there you have it! Awesome, right?

Maybe not as awesome as being hand-fed delicious meats...
Well, get a load of this: I even grabbed a video clip to get your week pointed in the right direction. It's actually the movie we are watching for this week's Here Be Spoilers episode!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

November 25, 2015


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(A Note from the Management: Hey, gang! The guys couldn't all get together and record this week, but they were able to get together and record separately! And, with a little bit of creative editing, everybody is on the show at the same time! Using old clips of Larry saying odd things -- mostly while playing Cards Against Humanity -- and reaction noises from Jake, we were able to make it sound almost exactly like a regular episode, but with maybe a little less direct interaction between Jake and Larry, and less laughing from Larry. Enjoy and have an awesome Thanksgiving!)

As the guys' last film before we start getting things fired up for Holiday Moviepalooza, Jake chose a movie from one of his favorite authors, Clive Barker. It's a little number called Nightbreed, and it features a lot of poor hair choices and the kind of acting that might make you wonder just what it was people were doing back in the late eighties/early nineties instead of, you know, going to acting school or something.

Cocaine. It was probably cocaine.
The story follows Aaron (Craig Sheffer), a man who is having dreams about a place called Midian, where he is chased by monsters. When he tells his therapist, Dr. Decker (played by director of better movies, David Cronenberg), about the dreams, Decker medicates Aaron heavily with what he claims is lithium, and Aaron steps in front of a big rig.

Unfortunately for the viewer, Aaron survives, and is whisked away to a hospital, where he meets another man who knows about Midian. While this sounds promising, if a little freaky, at first, the new guy uses thumb ring knives to cut most of the skin off his own face.  He has obviously never learned the proper etiquette for when one is trying to make a new friend. First, you are not supposed to cut off your face skin only moments after meeting a new friend. Obviously, this is the kind of trick you can only do once, so it should be saved for when you are meeting the person you believe will be your best friend for the rest of your life, and only after you have the friend have hung out a few times. And if you insist on doing it the first time you meet someone, be sure to extend your pinkies while you carve your face skin off. No need to be rude.

You disgust us.
Aaron seizes the moment to escape from the hospital and run out to the middle of nowhere (in Canada, no less, so you know there's fuck-all around there), where he believes Midian to be. And, of course, he is right. But it is not what it seems.,.

No, I don't know Jay Leno. Who is he? And why does everyone ask me that?
It's a big ol' cemetery where a bunch of the monsters and demon-ish things from Aaron's dreams also happen to live. And they are not especially happy to see him. Peloquin, a dreadlocked guy who looks like one of Jabba's skiff guards from Return of the Jedi, really doesn't care for Aaron existing (welcome to the club, dude) and bites him, turning our be-mulleted "hero" into one of their own.

That oughta learn him.

When Dr. Decker arrives at Midian with dozens of policemen, he convinces Aaron to come out in the open by telling the poor dope that he believes him, and then dives out of the way so the police can do what they tend to be doing so much of lately: Turning Aaron into swiss cheese.

David Cronenberg IS Dr. Decker AS Scarecrow BEING Bill Murray in...
So I Got That Going For Me!
Fortunately for Aaron, Peloquin's bite has also made his sort of invulnerable, we think. To be honest, the movie's a little vague on that point. But it at least revives him after he has been thoroughly ventilated, and he escapes from the morgue, returning to Midian.

Meanwhile, Aaron's girlfriend, Lori, wanders around the Canadian countryside looking for Aaron in the most roundabout way possible. She ends up at a bar with a woman named Sheryl Ann, who is just looking to find herself a man and get really drunk and have so much sex!

For her part, Lori spends a lot of time looking like a vaguely confused version
of the character Alice from the Dilbert comic strips.
Sheryl Ann gets extremely murdered and staked to a tree, while Lor moves on and finds Midian. After "saving" a gooey version of a hairless cat that turns out to be a little girl, she is led into the inner city where the monsters live. From this point, it's a pretty confusing and poorly-edited mess of gross, drippy things and people muttering dumb things to each other. There's also Canadian rednecks and guys who look like nazis.

It's...It's not good.

But the guys forage through it and come out the other end a little older, a little wiser, and a lot more bitter.

Larry could not recall a single thing about the movie, including, after reading up on it a bit while researching his information, whether he has actually ever seen it. Currently, he doesn't think so, and, as he wasn't able to be there when the other two watched it, he still hasn't. Lucky bastard.

Jake actually likes this movie. He is unable to adequately explain why, however, and he is mocked for it.

Derek is angered by this film. Specifically, he is angered by the make-up effects. Even more specifically, he is angered by one particular effect, and it just gnaws at him. So if he's a bit standoffish, please give him a pass...this time.

There's also a surprisingly early-in-the-show Hollywood Purgatory, news in The Lobby, some new flicks Coming Soon, Larry's List, and not one, but two editions of Derek's Inside My Head! There's even a little news about Holiday Moviepalooza!

So tune in and give it a listen, won't we?

November 23, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well! Last week was a better week, you guys. Although, truth be told, there's still room for improvement.

F'rinstance, why the hell is Donald Trump still allowed to pretend he's running for president? Why doesn't he just join the KKK and be done with it? After all, there was an African-American protester attacked by a bunch of the mouth-breathers that enjoy listening to Trump being a racist. Isn't there some kind of law or something about that sort of thing? Mind you, this is the second time this has happened. The last time, there was a Hispanic man smacked around at one of Trump's events. What the actual hell?

Similarly, Darth Vader took Han Solo's pizza. In both cases, dick move.
Oh, and Trump also said that he wants to create databases of both Syrian refugees and Muslims living here in the United States. Also, Republican Rhode Island State Senator Elaine Morgan wants the refugees and Muslims put into "centralized camps"...

Umm...That sounds know...

You know what? I'm not going to say the word. But, if you know history, you know what that sounds like.

And I'll just shut up about it.
One other thing I wanted to bring up before I get started with the list: Once again, a quick glance at the stats over the last week have shown me that our weirdly specific oddball has been back. Here, see for yourself.

And they brought a friend along!
Seriously, what the hell?!

Eh...What're ya gonna do, right?
Anyway, Twitter, as always, was hilarious. So let's look at some of it, shall we? And if you dig it, come on over to the Dark Side and join us!

In no particular order...

And there you have it!

You're welcome.
Now get out there and have an awesome week! To start it off, being as the holidays are officially starting Thursday, here's a classic Christmas song from far, far away...

Have an awesome Thanksgiving, and take care!
Derek and Bosco

November 19, 2015

Derek presents "Inside My Head"

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This week, there wasn't a Here Be Spoilers episode, due to scheduling conflicts. However, Derek decided that he wanted to try a little something that might become a regular segment on the show, but in a slightly shorter version. It's so new, in fact, that he didn't even have time to make a logo for it. So here...look at this instead:

I am not sorry at all. It makes me laugh.
Anyway, what Derek wanted to do was just ramble for a little bit about the stuff that was in his head at the time, and so he did.

Among other things, he discusses how the traditional view of "celebrity" is fading. This can be good, but mostly it's bad, because it allows things like Kardashians and Hiltons to get famous for, basically, being whores.

Ex. 1 - Whores
He also discusses music that he wants to hear from Coolio. (And he swears he is not kidding about this.)

Seriously...Which one is the puppet?
And also suggests a sexually-confusing album that should be made by either Fran Drescher, or Judge Judy.

We are certainly going to get raw up in this bitch, yo.
So check it out, give it a listen, and let us know what you think!

November 15, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Ugh...What a week.

It started out not-too-bad, but then, this past Friday, a bunch of assholes from ISIS made coordinated attacks in France, killing more than 100 people. Dicks. We here at Ugly Couchcast Industries send out our thoughts to those people and their families.

Okay...Now that we got that out of the way, can we start talking about funny stuff? Because sometimes that's what you just need to do to cope. You also need more pictures of people with "crazy eyes".

"I was heavily influenced by Marty Feldman."
First off, there was another Republican debate, this time hosted by their media branch, Fox. For the record, it was Fox Business, as if that matters.) The candidates were subjected to softball questions that they never bothered to answer, and they went over their allotted times to ramble about stuff nobody asked them about. *Yawn.*

Tick tock, goddamn it! Let's get this thing moving!
There was also a Democratic debate, but I have heard nothing at all about it, except that it didn't use its allotted time on CBS, so they ran an infomercial to use the rest of it up, as was noted by Paul F. Tompkins, who, as of this writing, still has not been on our podcast. (It's not that we know him or anything; it's just that he's been on just about every other one, and we've been patiently waiting our turn. Hit us up, Paul! We'd love to have you on!)

Seriously, man...Be on our show...

You can do karaoke with us!
Another fun thing that happened was, hacker collective Anonymous released a big ol' list of racist douche-nugget butt muffins who are confirmed members of the KKK. There were a lot of Southern politicians on there...Shocking, I know. Even more shocking: Betty White was on there TWICE! (Just kidding. It was three times.)

Anyway...Tweets. You want 'em, and I just happen to have some freshly-picked ones I got from a guy in an alleyway, which is handy, because I hadn't pulled any this week. So it all works out! Neat-o, huh?

I got nothing for this...I just really enjoy Terry Gilliam's Monty Python animations.
And, as always, if you did what you see, head on over to the Twitter machine and join us...JOIN US!

So...In no particular order...

And there you have it! Now get out there, be safe, bundle up, and make sure you have a better week this week, will ya? And to help that along, here is a short video of a basset hound dressed as Sherlock Holmes running in slow motion. You're welcome.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

November 11, 2015

Robot Monster

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If you're going to come back after watching a bunch of zombie movies, this one is an excellent palate cleanser.

This week, the guys watched 1953's Robot Monster, a movie that has been awarded the title of Worst Movie Ever numerous times. And with good reason!

Clearly, however, not because of the special effects.
This movie stars nobody and features nothing very much. Except walking. There is a lot of walking in this movie, most of which is done by the hero (we think he is, anyway), Ro-man.

The story, such as it is, involves a family of five people, and a scientist friend, who are, according to Ro-man's boss, the only ones left on the planet that have not been destroyed by the Ro-men's (or Ro-mans', depending on where you are in the movie) "calcinator ray".

"Out of the way, hu-man! I shall teach the female my people's forbidden dance!"
This is because the father in this family (known only as "The Professor") invented a serum that cures everything, including, it would seem, disintegration by dudes in gorilla suits and diving helmets. It also makes them impossible to track down, so the whole thing is basically reduced to Ro-man and the family making prank phone calls to each other, with the occasional interruption from Ro-man's boss, who is, himself, kind of a dick, constantly calling Ro-man while he's trying to make some time with Alice, the family's oldest daughter, and BDSM enthusiast.

When Ro-man captures Alice and takes her to his cave/sex dungeon, the rest of the family decide to go rescue her. It goes about as well as you might expect. Before they can make a plan, Roy (the assistant scientist guy) gets thrown down a hill where he's knocked unconscious. Then, while Ro-man wanders the land (possibly because he can't remember where he left his cave), he runs across one of the kids and strangles him/her to death. (More on this right after the picture.)

Please note: This looks like Johnny, the source of all the trouble, being strangled.
(As it should be. We all wanted this.)
(A side note from Derek: I thought I noticed this when we watched the movie, but I was not sure until I saw the still photo above; that is clearly little Johnny being choked-out by Ro-man. However, in the movie, when the parents find the body, it is identified as Carla, Johnny's sister. Th' hell, movie?)

Lots of stupid stuff happens, including not one, but two (maybe) twist endings!

Derek unabashedly loves this movie, despite its many, many flaws. No matter. He believes it to be a wonderful bit of goofy fluff that's fun to sit and watch.

Larry feels bad for Ro-man, who spends more time walking around Griffith Park than the entire cast of all three Lord of the Rings movies did through all of Middle Earth in that trilogy. And he did it in a gorilla suit and diving helmet! Poor Ro-man...

Jake believes that Johnny is a psychopath, and he presents his argument in a very convincing manner. It's pretty obvious that there is something wrong with this kid, but only Jake was able to articulate what it was.

There's also news in The Lobby, the first holiday movie of the year in Coming Soon, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory, a conversation about humorist Jean Shepherd, and information about this year's Holiday Movepalooza!

So tune in and the hu-man!

November 10, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys! Sorry the list is late this week, but technical issues beyond my control have caused me to not have an interwebs connection. (My neighbor, who was kind enough to let me leech off of his connection, is moving, so now I got nothin'.) As a result, the lists might be a little sporadic for a while. They'll get here, but maybe not on late Sunday/early Monday like usual.)

Anyway, an odd week. First, Twitter decided to change the well-known "favorite" star to a "like" heart. Obviously, this is way more important than any stupid politics or anything, so it was a huge issue for the denizens of Twitter world. Who spent entirely too much time complaining about it.

In other news, retired neurosurgeon and current Republican presidential hopeful Ben Carson said a lot of stupid things, including that he believes the pyramids in Egypt were built to store grain, and not dead pharoahs.

He was also called-out on his statements about his past that aren't quite holding up in the harsh realty of daylight.

All that aside, the people over on Twitter were hilarious, as always. And, also as always, I had a heck of a time just picking ten. It was "Bruce-Willis-crawling-through-air-ducts-in-Die-Hard" difficult. But I did it. Wanna see?

In no particular order...

Not too shabby, as my dad likes to say. So have a good rest of the week, will ya? And to get you started, here's a trailer for the Star Wars Holiday Special, edited together with the music from the The Force Awakens trailer.

Incidentally, you should totally give a listen to our episode about the Star Wars Holiday Special from last year's Holiday Moviepalooza because it's getting close to that time of year again!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

November 4, 2015

Rodentz (aka Altered Species)

A Note From Derek: We weren't able to get together and record a podcast this week because Jake is sick, and we figured that there was no need to subject you nice folks to yet another mucus-intensive show with all kinds of snorting and coughing. So, in lieu of that, I am posting an old review that I originally posted on the Internet Movie Database. It's a movie called Rodentz, and it was just...just awful. Really, if it came down to a choice between this and the mucus-cast, it's pretty much a toss-up.

Still, enjoy the review! -- Derek


Every so often, while strolling through the aisles of the local video store, the unsuspecting consumer will spot something out of the corner of his eye that almost shouts, "LOOK AT ME!!! I'M WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!!!"

"Oh, yeah...That's the stuff!"
In my own particular case, this is exactly what happened. I had visited the local Blockbuster (See? I told you it was an old review! -- Derek) with my assistant, Noodles, in search of a movie so painfully stupid, so insipid, that I could sit through the entire thing without the slightest bit of sympathy for the so-called heroes.

Altered Species (packaged this time around as Rodentz) is just such a film. So loathsome were its main characters that I found myself hoping, almost praying, that these brick-stupid chunkheads would fall victim to the leader of the rats - a six-foot critter that looks like a guy in a bear suit that has seen better days. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Altered Species stars no one and features little more. Its lead actors - okay, its only actors - all look vaguely familiar, but you can't place the faces. If I had to guess, I would say that at least one of them has asked me, personally, if I "want fries with that."

Do not ask any of these people for the special sauce.
The story, such as it is, revolves around a group of drunken people who visit their scientist friend, Walter, at the laboratory where he works with a cranky old guy who is continuously yelling at him that the formula is FINE!

During Walter's initial scenes, we get a taste of the back story, and it seems that clumsy Walter accidentally lets a crate full of lab rats loose in the building's basement. These rats, in turn, have been drinking from the experimental formula that they had previously been injected with.

Master Splinter?
After the cranky guy's cat (a cat?!? In a science lab full of rats?!?) disappears, he goes off to find him, and bad things happen to him. Walter, brick-stupid dolt that he is, doesn't find it the least bit suspicious that his boss also disappears, and proceeds to let his idiot friends in, where they can swill tequila from a plastic gallon jug. The friends are typical - almost cardboard cutout-like - horror film fodder, and it's not long before you begin hoping the rats get fed up with them and start eating them. It is not long before our prayers are answered.

Believe it or not, this bubbly young lady is one of the stars.
Despite her best efforts, she is not Hillary Swank.
Without giving away too much about this film, I think I can safely say that most of the people that deserve to die, do. I would say ALL of the people who deserve to die, but that wouldn't have left anybody to whimper and limp off into the sunset at the end of the film (as is required for this sort of flick).

Of course, with any horror film that feels it is worth its weight in celluloid, there is an obligatory nude scene, but it is played in such a way that the viewer isn't even given any gratification on that front, either. The girl is a sleazy tramp, and the guy is dumber than a box of hair. It was like watching Sylvester Stallone during his pre-Rocky, Death Race 2000 days, trying to get lucky with one of Calvin Klein's anorexic, heroine-addicted underwear models. Fortunately, the girl stops the greasy butt-steak from violating her long enough to ask if he has a condom. He doesn't, and a trip to the van downstairs is required. While the big, dumb lump rifles through the glove box, his beloved skank is having her face eaten by the above-mentioned six-foot rat.

The true hero of this film, ladies and gentlemen.
Stupid? Yes. Banal? Without a doubt. A waste of money? Absolutely. But... Er... Okay, I was going for something here, but I don't remember what it was. Suffice to say, this is a not-good movie. Not a "bad" movie, mind you. Those are at least watchable on some level. A not-good film is sort of like setting your shirt on fire - fascinating at first, but you're going to end up hurting when it's finished.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

November 2, 2015

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, guys!

Another week has passed, as we fly, screaming, toward the holiday season. Halloween was this past week, and vast piles of candy were handed out to the tens of children that are still allowed to go out and do legitimate trick-or-treating. There wasn't a whole lot of action around my area because the weather was not willing to cooperate, but there were a few indoor events that made it possible for the kids to get out there and have a little fun.

And then, almost before the final candy wrapper was thrown on the front lawn, people started putting up their Christmas decorations. Not the stores, though; those have been out for a couple of weeks already.

Anyway, there was also another Republican Debate, this time hosted by CNBC. The moderators were expected to ask questions about the candidates' policies (without looking too closely at them), and the candidates themselves were going to give standard stump answers and completely fail to say anything substantive. This is how these things have worked since debates were a thing.

This time, however, things didn't go like the candidates expected.

The moderators decided that what these debates (of which there are still something like 143 more left) really needed was actual questions that would require actual answers. This didn't go over too well with the candidates, who immediately started attacking the moderators for asking "gotcha" questions. Here are a few examples:
Mr. Trump, you’ve done very well in this campaign so far by promising to build a wall and make another country pay for it. Send 11 million people out of the country. Cut taxes $10 trillion without increasing the deficit. And make Americans better off because your greatness would replace the stupidity and incompetence of others. Let’s be honest: Is this a comic book version of a presidential campaign?
This one is for Senator Rubio. You’ve been a young man in a hurry ever since you won your first election in your 20s. You’ve had a big accomplishment in the Senate, an immigration bill providing a path to citizenship the conservatives in your party hate, and even you don’t support anymore. Now, you’re skipping more votes than any senator to run for president. Why not slow down, get a few more things done first or least finish what you start?
Governor Bush, daily fantasy sports has become a phenomenon in this country, will award billions of dollars in prize money this year. But to play you have to assess your odds, put money at risk, wait for an outcome that’s out of your control. Isn’t that the definition of gambling, and should the Federal Government treat it as such?
Senator Paul, among the leading conservative opponents to the creation of Medicare back in the 1960s was Ronald Reagan. He warned that it would lead to socialism. Considering the mounting cost of Medicare, was he right to oppose it?
Senator Cruz, working women in this country still earn just 77 percent of what men earn. And I know that you’ve said you’ve been very sympathetic to our cause. But you’ve also said that the Democrats’ moves to try and change this are the political show votes. I just wonder what you would do as President to try and help in this cause?
 So, obviously, being asked to explain what they've said and done enraged the candidates. Fortunately, only Ted Cruz lost his shit, while the others just made snarky comments.

The RNC's crack response team fires off an angry e-mail.
Almost immediately after the debate, the Republican National Committee made it clear that the CNBC moderators were a bunch of meanies who didn't kiss the candidates' butts. As a result, NBC and its affiliates would no longer be allowed to air the Republican debates.

NBC responded by saying, basically, "That's cool...We're just gonna hang over here with Telemundo and maybe watch reruns of Seinfeld."

Republican tears are delicious...
I think the real problem here isn't that the moderators were asking "gotcha" questions. It's that the candidates have been so coddled by the constant Fox News handjobs that, once they find themselves in a situation where they can't call the shots, they don't know how to respond. They're so used to being told how brilliant they are by people like Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity that they expect everyone to drop down on their knees and start snorkelling them with similar enthusiasm. And when it doesn't happen, they can't deal with it and respond poorly, rather than keeping their heads on straight.

They should have watched Hillary Clinton appearance at the Benghazi Committee
the week before.
Anyway, over on the Twitter machine, people got on with the funny and, as always, made me laugh. And really, that's what's important, isn't it; making ME laugh? Of course it is, idiot! So let's see how some of them did that, shall we?

And there you have it! So get out there and have a great week, will ya? And to start it off, here's in not one, but two videos from the Bad Lip Reading guy(s?) covering the first debates for both the Republicans and the Democrats! Enjoy!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco