Future War

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If you took Terminator and threw in some Theodore Rex (minus Whoopi Goldberg's staid and nuanced performance), and then added a pinch of the "special" effects from the old Krofft show Land of the Lost, you would have a horrible, unwatchable mess of a film. But it would still be better than this week's movie.

This week, the guys sat down to watch Future War, starring Daniel Bernhardt, Robert Z'Dar (and his chin), Travis Brooks Stewart, and Andre Scruggs.

And Jake "The Snake" Roberts as Dog the Bounty Hunter!

"Four days ago, fire fell from the sky," our narrator, Annie (Stewart) tells us. Repeatedly.

You see, this is her "poetic" way of telling us about The Runaway (Bernhardt, a Jean Claude Van Damme knock-off from Sweden), who uses an escape shuttle to get away from what appears to be some kind of prison ship in space.

Although we are never told exactly why he is a prisoner, he is pursued by a cyborg bounty hunter (Kazja, shown above) and the cyborg's tracking dinosaur, which is a thing in space, we guess. After a brief fight with the cyborg during which a number of innocent cardboard boxes are destroyed, Jean Claude Aw Heck stabs the dinosaur in the neck, and it explodes, because there is a collar around its neck that monitors its vital signs, and when those tank, it explodes, destroying any evidence that it existed at all.

Jean Claude Gosh Darn IS The Prisoner.

Immediately after defeating a killer cyborg and its killer dinosaur puppet, Jean Claude Oh Shit is run over by a nun driving a Miata. The nun turns out to be Annie, our cursing, cigarette-smoking, drinking narrator. (The Miata is probably borrowed from a Production Assistant.)

Fortunately, Annie's ability to kill runaway prisoners from space with her car is about as effective as her ability to be a nun, so he is alive, but in pretty rough shape. She loads him into the hatchback of her car and takes her to the halfway house for fat guys(?) where she is a counselor and has a nurse friend give him a look.

While the nurse tends to the Jean Claude Aww Yeah, Annie knocks back a few shots of brown liquor and tells her own backstory to Fred (Scruggs, whom Derek and Larry incorrectly refer to as Frank throughout the whole show...oops).

All's I'm sayin', Frank...Frank? Fred? I dunno...Ya wanna get some tacos?

You see, Annie used to be a prostitute. And did a lot of drugs. She partied, she drank, she smoked. And then, one night, another of the girls she worked with was killed, and that put her on the path of giving up roughly 40% of the bad habits she had, which apparently is good enough to qualify you for the sisterhood in California.

When Jean Claude Oh Well returns to the land of the living, he is unable to speak because he also had one of those exploding collars on, but he manages to explain to Annie about the dinosaurs and cyborgs by using broad gestures and making whining puppy noises at her.

After a looooong walk-and-talk where Jean Claude Gosh Darn can suddenly speak (possibly because Annie gave him beef jerky on a train?), they return back to the house just in time to be attacked by another dinosaur puppet, which Frank (Fred?) shoots, and then run away again, only to be arrested for a reason that is never made clear.

As they are being transported to the police station, a call comes over the radio of yet another dinosaur puppet attack, and the police car diverts to the scene, which we're pretty sure is a breach of protocol when transferring prisoners, but what do we know.

One SWAT guy shows up, as well, and is almost immediately eaten. But then another cyborg shows up (Z'Dar), and fights with Jean Claude No Way. There is much kicking in the face, several more cardboard boxes are destroyed, and then the cyborg is taken out by being gently poked with a thin aluminum pole.

A rolled-up newspaper could have probably allowed them to avoid all of this.

The dinosaur is also killed, and it explodes, prompting the police to re-arrest Jean Claude Th' Hell and Annie, whom they finally take to the police station.

As they are being interrogated, some FBI guys show up and take over the case, deciding to cut a hole in Jean Claude Well Yeah and removing a tracking device imbedded in his spine. Unfortunately, it's still active, and the dinosaur puppets find them again, and lots of people get dead.

Somehow, they manage to get out alive, and Annie meets up with a gang to help her get some weapons and explosives so she and her cohorts can blow up the dinosaur puppets, which are now hiding out in a warehouse(?) underground(?) in the sewers(?).

They set a trap, tease the dinosaur puppets, causing them to give chase. One falls into an inexplicable pit in the middle of a hallway, and another is taken out with a microphone stand. A third continues to follow them, making its way past the traps and pit.

You be quiet, Muldoon.

Just as the dinosaur is about to catch up, the bomb goes off, blowing it up into a million tiny foam pieces.

Everybody's safe now, right? RIGHT?!

Of course not, you silly theoretical reader, because just as Annie is taking her final vows to become a real nun, Robo-Z'Dar returns to get kicked in the face some more!

And there is a lot of face to kick.

Will Jean Claude Fuck Yeah be able to defeat Robo-Z'Dar again, but for reals this time? Or will Z'Dar's mighty chin finally bring down The Runaway? Will Annie be able to stop smoking, drinking, and swearing long enough to be an actual nun? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry almost immediately regretted choosing this one, because it was astoundingly stupid. Even though they watched the MST3K version of it, it was still unwatchable. He thought the jokes were pretty funny, but not funny enough to recommend the movie itself. And he is right.

Derek is straight-up furious about the special effects. This was one year after the film Jurassic Park was released, yet they used shitty foam puppets for the dinosaurs. He's super angry about that. But he was excited to bask in the majesty of Robert Z'Dar's magical chin for two scenes.

So put on a wife-beater tank top, do some splits, and avoid actually watching this movie by listening to these clowns talk about it!