The Dark Crystal

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Holy cow, you guys! Can you believe we're three-quarters of the way through our month of Fantasy movies that has taken a month and a half already? And to add to that, the guys sat down to watch another Jim Henson movie that involved a lot of puppets!

This time, the guys sat down to watch and comment on 1982's The Dark Crystal, featuring performances from Jim Henson, Kathryn Mullen, Dave Goelz, Steve Whitmire, and, of course, the inimitable Frank Oz. It also features the voice talents of, among others, Stephen Garlick, Lisa Maxwell, Billie Whitelaw, Percy Edwards, Barry Dennen, and Jerry Nelson.

...as Edgar Winter.

A thousand years ago (you know; four years before Labyrinth, a powerful and magical crystal was cracked, which led to the creation of two different species: the peaceful and benevolent Mystics--wizards on this world--and birdlike creatures called Skeksis. The Skeksis retained the now broken crystal and use it to replenish their energy.

The Mystics' High Priest (Henson/voiced by Nelson) is dying of old age. Before he goes, he tells Jen (Henson/voiced by Garlick), a Gelfling the Mystics rescued after his family was killed, that he must travel to see Aughra, an astronomer, to retrieve a shard and repair the crystal before the Great Conjunction, when their planet's three suns all align, Or the Skeksis will rule forever.

Only the best people...

In the Skeksis' castle, their Emperor (Brian Muehl) is also dying, and the others prepare to fight over who will take his place. The Chamberlain (Oz/voiced by Dennen) challenges the General (Goelz/voiced by Michael Kilgarriff) for the right to rule, but the General defeats Chamberlain and exiles him from the Skeksis' castle.

The Skeksis have a vision and learn of Jen's quest, so they send out an army of crab-like monsters called Garthim to find him. But just as they are about to catch him, Chamberlain stops them, giving Jen a chance to escape.

I'm sexy and I know it...

After much wandering around and talking to himself, Jen finally finds Aughra (Oz/voiced by Whitelaw), and she takes him back to her house where she has a box of shards that he has to go through to find the right one. He does, and she starts to explain the Great Conjunction to him, but before he can ask any followup questions, the Garthim show up, destroy the house, and take Aughra prisoner.

The Mystics hear the call of the crystal, and they leave the village and head--very slowly--toward it. Meanwhile, Jen continues his journey, and he meets up with Kira, a female Gelfling that has the ability to talk to critters, including Fizzgig, a wad of fur and teeth that looks a lot like Derek's dad's old dog.

But slightly less yappy.

They join him in his travels, and Kira takes them to a village of Podlings, where they attempt to get a good night's sleep. This is, again, ruined when the Garthim show up, destroy the village (these things are not subtle), and kidnap all the Podlings to take back to the castle.

Moving on, Jen and Kira discover an old Gelfling village and find a prophecy painted on a wall that describes Jen's journey to repair the crystal. As they look at it, Chamberlain arrives and tries to convince them that they should come with him to the castle because the Skeksis want peace. The Gelflings are not buying what he is selling, and they ditch him, choosing instead to ride Landstriders (they look like walrus/bat hybrids, but they have super-long legs and run really fast) the rest of the way to the castle.

Where they hope to get Fizzgig neutered. It's for the best, really.

The Chamberlain finds them in the lower levels of the castle and offers peace again, but they continue to not take him up on it, so he does what anybody would: He drops a bunch of rocks on Jen and takes Kira to the General, who reinstates Chamberlain to his old job and sends Kira to the Scientist to get her essence so he can stay young.

Will Kira become the General's personal juice box? Will Jen dig his way out and fix the crystal? Or will he die slowly, only to be consumed by Fizzgig in the bowels of the castle? And what about Aughra? Will someone please get her a bra? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek has loved this film since he first saw it. That has not changed. Sure, he said some mean things during the recording, but it was all meant with love. He did not, however, reveal that he had a serious crush on Kira when he was a kid, because that would just be weird and embarrassing.

Larry also loves the movie. He says it is perfect. He also does a pretty disturbing imitation of Chamberlain's creepy moan/whine. It's really off-putting. But that's okay because, as with Derek, it is done with a deep love of the film.

So put on your pointed ears, Hop on your Landstrider, and tune in to this week's episode!

Labyrinth

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(A Note from Derek: Hi, everybody. Sorry for the late post. It has been a bleh week, motivation-wise, and I just got behind. Also, we have been working with Larry's schedule, as he's been getting a lot of overtime, which means he ends up working on days we usually record. Hopefully, both of these issues will be under control soon. Anyway, enjoy this new commentary episode!)

The 1980s were a good time to be a muppet.

In 1979, Jim Henson released The Muppet Movie into the wild, where it garnered heavy accolades and opened up all kinds of doors for him. One of those doors led to his now famous Creature Shop. Another led to him being able to expand his horizons and make movies that were his dream projects. One was The Dark Crystal--in fact, that was his dream project. After that, went on to do this episode's movie, the second in our quartet of Fantasy-type films, 1986's Labyrinth, starring Jennifer Connelly, David Bowie, and a ton of the regular Henson muppeteers.

With special guest, David Bowie's horrible, terrible pants.

Jennifer Connelly is Sarah. She's your average 1980s teenage girl who fancies herself an actress and/or princess(?). Unfortunately, she has an infant stepbrother named Toby (Toby Froud) that she is saddled with when her father (Christopher Malcolm) and stepmother (Shelley Thompson) want to go out and enjoy themselves on the town.

Naturally, this teenager immediately gets tired of having to be in the same house as this crying poop machine, and she does what any other teenager would; she recites a spell that excites a bunch of tiny goblins and opens a doorway from their world to hers, allowing their king, Jareth (Bowie), to come and take Toby away to his castle. Happens all the time.

Holy shit, you guys! She said it! let's go!

Now terrified that she is going to get grounded for giving her stepbrother away to the king of the goblins (as one does), she freaks out and summons Jareth and begs him to return Toby. Jareth refuses, but offers her a chance to rescue the boy. However, she has to do it by making her way to his castle in the the middle of a gigantic labyrinth. And she only has thirteen hours to do it.

She starts on her way and, trying to be smart about it, marks each turn she makes. Unfortunately, everything in the labyrinth is stupid and evil, so that fails almost immediately. Fortunately, in her wandering around blindly, she runs across Hoggle (Shari Weiser/voiced by Brian Henson), a dwarf that is kind of a dickweed, but wants to have friends.

Bernie Sanders in a rare cameo!

He offers to help her, but his motives are not exactly on the up-and-up. Especially when Jareth comes to see him and insists that Hoggle keep Sarah going around in circles so she cannot save Toby in time.

Not long after, Sarah meets Ludo (Rob Mills/voiced by Ron Mueck), a gigantic hairball with ram horns and an underbite that makes him look like he is terribly sorry for whatever it is he did. But he's big and friendly, so Sarah brings him along to help her reach things on high shelves and dust hard-to-reach things. Hoggle, already the shortest of their group, feels threatened by this giant teddy bear and runs off.

Sarah and Ludo make their way to a pair of doors with talking doorknobs that require her to answer a riddle. She solves it and is allowed past and into a forest, where she misplaces Ludo.

Meanwhile, Jareth learns that babies are, in fact, rather moist most of the time
and wonders what's taking Sarah so long.

Hoggle is confronted by Jareth, who demands that the dwarf take a drugged peach and give it to Sarah, which will cause her to lose all of her memories and forget why she is there. Hoggle is reluctant, but he agrees.

In the forest, Sarah meets the Fireys. They try to pull her head off, only to be stopped by Hoggle, who has made his way back to her. Sarah is so pleased with Hoggle that she kisses him, and Jareth sends them both to the Bog of Eternal Stench, probably because even a Fantasy movie needs fart jokes.

While jumping on farting flat stones, they meet back up with Ludo, and then are introduced to Sir Didymus (Dave Goelz and David Barclay/voiced by David Shaughnessy), a fox that rides around on a sheepdog.

Hoggle! Can't you stop touching yourself even for a minute?

They continue on, but they're hungry. They stop for food, and Hoggle gives Sarah the peach, and then he runs off again. Sarah falls asleep and starts to dream about Jareth (and his upsetting pants), who proclaims his love for her. However, she starts to remember, and she wakes up in a fake version of her room in the middle of a junkyard. The Junk Lady (Karen Prell/voiced by Denise Bryer) tries to brainwash her, but Ludo and Didymus show up and save Sarah before it can happen. As an added bonus, they discover that they're not far from Jareth's castle!

As they are leaving the junkyard, Sarah finds Hoggle again, and although he tried to poison her, she forgives him, and he rejoins the group and they head toward the castle to confront Jareth and save Toby.

But will she save her stepbrother? Will Didymus ever come to the horrible realization that his riding a sheepdog is a metaphor for the slave trade? Will Ludo finally get tired of Hoggle and just eat him? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek picked this one because it's a cult classic and that sort of thing is right in his wheelhouse. Also, the music is pretty catchy, as it is in any Jim Henson film. Really, the only bad thing he has to say is about Jareth's pants. Why, oh why, did nobody consider giving him a codpiece?

Larry is willing to give Jareth's batch a mulligan and just enjoy the heck out of this movie. He loves the puppets, the music, Jennifer Connelly, and everything else about this movie. And, really, who can blame him? It really is great.

So put on your upsettingly form-fitting pants, poof up your hair, and listen to this week's commentary!

The Neverending Story

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So, the guys decided that they needed another four-episode theme, and they had a bit of a go-around as to what the focus was going to be. Finally, they decided that family-ish Fantasy-type movies were they way to go. And, boy howdy, did they kick it off with a winner: The 1984 Wolfgang Petersen classic, The Neverending Story, starring Barrett Oliver as Bastion, Noah Hathaway as Atreyu, and Tami Stronach as the Empress. It also features Thomas Hill, Deep Roy, Alan Oppenheimer, Moses Gunn, Sydney Bromley, and Gerald McRaney's mustache as Bastions father.

Bastion is an introvert who is regularly picked on by three bullies (Chris Eastman, Darryl Cooksey, and Nicholas Gilbert). One morning, while running away from them, Bastion stumbles into an antique bookstore, where he meets Carl Conrad Coreander (Hill), who personifies the antique bookstore owner, in that he refuses to sell any books to anyone. One book, in particular, catches Bastion's attention, and he steals it when the old man isn't looking, and sneaks into the attic(?) of his school, where he hunkers down to read it.

Because that's what you do, right?

This, of course, brings him into a magical world called Fantasia, where there are giant bats, giant snails, one of Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompas (the Tim Burton brand), and, of course, dragons.

It also introduces us to a young hero named Atreyu, who is tasked with finding the Empress of Fantasia in order to save the land from destruction because of reasons.

Atreyu heads out on his trusty horse, Artax, and immediately gets stuck in the Swamp of Sadness.

 He didn't have his muddin' hooves on.

And suddenly, less than half an hour into the movie, Atreyu's horse--arguably his only real friend--is dead, drowned in the swamp. In this family movie. Which is meant for children. (This method of emotional manipulation would later be adopted by Pixar, taking the company to the greatest heights of success by leaving a trail of  dead characters in its wake.)

A giant turtle appears and sneezes all over Atreyu, and then tells him to go to the Southern Oracle, which is ten thousand miles away. What a dick.

Fortunately, there just happens to be a dragon named Falkor out for a leisurely stroll, who happens to see the young hero and picks him up, taking him to a small Hobbit house where Atreyu meets the delightful Engywook (Bromley), a scientist/astrologist, and his wife, Urgl (Patricia Hayes).

Who's a good dragon? Who is? You  are! Yes, you are!

Engywook shows Atreyu the entrance to the Southern Oracle, and they watch as a knight attempts to make his way past the entrance, only to be reduced to a pile of dust because the statues at the entrance have laser eyes and gigantic breasts with hard nipples. (The nipples don't do anything; we just felt it was necessary to point out that this family movie features not one, not two, not even three, but four statues with rock-hard nipples. Let that sink in.)

Atreyu decides that, lasers and giant nipples notwithstanding, he has to get to the Empress, because she can tell him how to stop The Nothing from destroying Fantasia. With the help of his ninja-like stealth, Atreyu makes it past the statues, only to be confronted with a mirror that is supposed to show the viewer their "true self". What it shows Atreyu, however, is Bastion, which totally messes with both of their heads.

Bastion, suitably freaked-out, tosses the book aside for a minute, long enough to notice that a huge storm is raging outside, and although it is pretty clear he has been in this attic for hours, nobody has bothered to go looking for him. Aaaaanyway, he goes back to the book.

Atreyu makes his way to the Southern Oracle, which is the second pair of statues, and it tells him that he has to find a human child to give the Empress a name in order to save Fantasia from The Nothing.

The Nothing appears to be controlled by a rogue animatronic wolf
from the Country Bear Jamboree.

While escaping from The Nothing as it consumes the Southern Oracle, Atreyu falls off Falkor and into the Sea of Possibilities, only to be washed ashore, where he meets Rockbiter--a troll of some kind that eats rocks. While poking around the area, Atreyu finds a bunch of paintings that appear to represent the quest he is on, and the is confronted by Gmork, the above-mentioned animatronic wolf-thing.

It turns out Gmork has been hunting Atreyu since he began his quest, with the sole intention of eating him. Atreyu, while sympathetic, is not too keen on Gmork's plan, and immediately kills the wolf when it attacks him. There is no major struggle or anything. It jumps, and Atreyu stabs it. End of the evil doggy.

Not, however, the end of The Nothing, which has begun to consume everything around him. Falkor manages to rescue Atreyu, and they find the Empress's Ivory Tower, so they go see her and try to figure out what they can do.

Much to her disappointment, it does not involve Hatchimals.

As The Nothing begins to destroy the Ivory Tower, the Empress tells Atreyu that he did what he was supposed to do, but the dumb-ass kid reading their story isn't doing his. After a lot of shouting at the book, Bastion realizes that he knows what the Empress's new name should be. He shouts it at the pages, hoping it will save them...

But will it work? Will Fantasia be rebuilt? Will Atreyu stick around and get hair grooming tips from the Empress? And what about Falkor? Will he get to go back to doing whatever it is dragons do in their free time? Or will he be forced to help whiny Bastion exact revenge upon those who wronged him? You'll have to tune in to find out!

SPOILER ALERT: There's definitely some revenge happening here.

Larry loves this movie unabashedly, all but finally admitting that he is, in fact, a thirteen-year-old girl trapped in the body of a grown man more than twice that age. He digs Falkor. But then, who wouldn't? It's a freakin' dragon that has the face of a friendly dog! He is also totally into Rockbiter and the other oddballs that live in Fantasia, which involves some pretty groovy puppeteering, as well as Deep Roy.

Derek is very much not a fan of this film. He argues that he is not really the demographic the studio was focusing on, and is therefore happy with his opinion. He, too, likes Falkor, but really, who wouldn't? He is very deeply troubled, however, by the film's title, which is clearly a lie. The movie clocks in somewhere around the two-hour mark, and although it was followed by two sequels, it is, by no means, "neverending". He is in talks with his lawyer to see what legal action can be taken.

So grab your Auryn, grab your disposable horse, and listen to this week's episode!