The Neverending Story

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So, the guys decided that they needed another four-episode theme, and they had a bit of a go-around as to what the focus was going to be. Finally, they decided that family-ish Fantasy-type movies were they way to go. And, boy howdy, did they kick it off with a winner: The 1984 Wolfgang Petersen classic, The Neverending Story, starring Barrett Oliver as Bastion, Noah Hathaway as Atreyu, and Tami Stronach as the Empress. It also features Thomas Hill, Deep Roy, Alan Oppenheimer, Moses Gunn, Sydney Bromley, and Gerald McRaney's mustache as Bastions father.

Bastion is an introvert who is regularly picked on by three bullies (Chris Eastman, Darryl Cooksey, and Nicholas Gilbert). One morning, while running away from them, Bastion stumbles into an antique bookstore, where he meets Carl Conrad Coreander (Hill), who personifies the antique bookstore owner, in that he refuses to sell any books to anyone. One book, in particular, catches Bastion's attention, and he steals it when the old man isn't looking, and sneaks into the attic(?) of his school, where he hunkers down to read it.

Because that's what you do, right?

This, of course, brings him into a magical world called Fantasia, where there are giant bats, giant snails, one of Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompas (the Tim Burton brand), and, of course, dragons.

It also introduces us to a young hero named Atreyu, who is tasked with finding the Empress of Fantasia in order to save the land from destruction because of reasons.

Atreyu heads out on his trusty horse, Artax, and immediately gets stuck in the Swamp of Sadness.

 He didn't have his muddin' hooves on.

And suddenly, less than half an hour into the movie, Atreyu's horse--arguably his only real friend--is dead, drowned in the swamp. In this family movie. Which is meant for children. (This method of emotional manipulation would later be adopted by Pixar, taking the company to the greatest heights of success by leaving a trail of  dead characters in its wake.)

A giant turtle appears and sneezes all over Atreyu, and then tells him to go to the Southern Oracle, which is ten thousand miles away. What a dick.

Fortunately, there just happens to be a dragon named Falkor out for a leisurely stroll, who happens to see the young hero and picks him up, taking him to a small Hobbit house where Atreyu meets the delightful Engywook (Bromley), a scientist/astrologist, and his wife, Urgl (Patricia Hayes).

Who's a good dragon? Who is? You  are! Yes, you are!

Engywook shows Atreyu the entrance to the Southern Oracle, and they watch as a knight attempts to make his way past the entrance, only to be reduced to a pile of dust because the statues at the entrance have laser eyes and gigantic breasts with hard nipples. (The nipples don't do anything; we just felt it was necessary to point out that this family movie features not one, not two, not even three, but four statues with rock-hard nipples. Let that sink in.)

Atreyu decides that, lasers and giant nipples notwithstanding, he has to get to the Empress, because she can tell him how to stop The Nothing from destroying Fantasia. With the help of his ninja-like stealth, Atreyu makes it past the statues, only to be confronted with a mirror that is supposed to show the viewer their "true self". What it shows Atreyu, however, is Bastion, which totally messes with both of their heads.

Bastion, suitably freaked-out, tosses the book aside for a minute, long enough to notice that a huge storm is raging outside, and although it is pretty clear he has been in this attic for hours, nobody has bothered to go looking for him. Aaaaanyway, he goes back to the book.

Atreyu makes his way to the Southern Oracle, which is the second pair of statues, and it tells him that he has to find a human child to give the Empress a name in order to save Fantasia from The Nothing.

The Nothing appears to be controlled by a rogue animatronic wolf
from the Country Bear Jamboree.

While escaping from The Nothing as it consumes the Southern Oracle, Atreyu falls off Falkor and into the Sea of Possibilities, only to be washed ashore, where he meets Rockbiter--a troll of some kind that eats rocks. While poking around the area, Atreyu finds a bunch of paintings that appear to represent the quest he is on, and the is confronted by Gmork, the above-mentioned animatronic wolf-thing.

It turns out Gmork has been hunting Atreyu since he began his quest, with the sole intention of eating him. Atreyu, while sympathetic, is not too keen on Gmork's plan, and immediately kills the wolf when it attacks him. There is no major struggle or anything. It jumps, and Atreyu stabs it. End of the evil doggy.

Not, however, the end of The Nothing, which has begun to consume everything around him. Falkor manages to rescue Atreyu, and they find the Empress's Ivory Tower, so they go see her and try to figure out what they can do.

Much to her disappointment, it does not involve Hatchimals.

As The Nothing begins to destroy the Ivory Tower, the Empress tells Atreyu that he did what he was supposed to do, but the dumb-ass kid reading their story isn't doing his. After a lot of shouting at the book, Bastion realizes that he knows what the Empress's new name should be. He shouts it at the pages, hoping it will save them...

But will it work? Will Fantasia be rebuilt? Will Atreyu stick around and get hair grooming tips from the Empress? And what about Falkor? Will he get to go back to doing whatever it is dragons do in their free time? Or will he be forced to help whiny Bastion exact revenge upon those who wronged him? You'll have to tune in to find out!

SPOILER ALERT: There's definitely some revenge happening here.

Larry loves this movie unabashedly, all but finally admitting that he is, in fact, a thirteen-year-old girl trapped in the body of a grown man more than twice that age. He digs Falkor. But then, who wouldn't? It's a freakin' dragon that has the face of a friendly dog! He is also totally into Rockbiter and the other oddballs that live in Fantasia, which involves some pretty groovy puppeteering, as well as Deep Roy.

Derek is very much not a fan of this film. He argues that he is not really the demographic the studio was focusing on, and is therefore happy with his opinion. He, too, likes Falkor, but really, who wouldn't? He is very deeply troubled, however, by the film's title, which is clearly a lie. The movie clocks in somewhere around the two-hour mark, and although it was followed by two sequels, it is, by no means, "neverending". He is in talks with his lawyer to see what legal action can be taken.

So grab your Auryn, grab your disposable horse, and listen to this week's episode!