The Visitor

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Hey, everybody! It's Derek. it has been a couple of weeks since we have been able to do a show, what with Larry's insane work schedule (and now he's sick, to boot), so I wanted to do something special to make up for it. So I went and found a very special guest whose name I won't mention in this write-up; you're just going to have to listen to my guest and me provide commentary for 1979's Italian flick, The Visitor, starring Mel Ferrer, Glenn Ford, Lance Henriksen, John Huston, Joanne Nail, Sam Peckinpah, Shelly Winters, and Paige Connor. With a cast like that, what could possibly go wrong?

Actually, quite a bit, it turns out.

Not the least of which is the opening scene, which appears to have no
connection to anything at all.

The above scene ends, taking us to a scene where a guy who looks like the lead singer from Nickelback (Franco Nero) tells a bunch of bald kids about a great battle between Good (in the form of Yaweh) and Evil (in this case, Zateen). According to Wikipedia, he talks about how Yaweh killed Zateen, but Zateen's spirit remains alive and well, occasionally managing to impregnate women, causing all kinds of problems.

THIS IS HOW...YOU REMIND ME...

Next, we're thrown blindly into a basketball game, where team owner Raymond Armstead (Henriksen) and his girlfriend, Barbara (Nail) watch the last quarter of a game n what appears to be real time. It goes on forever, only to end with an exploding basketball, which appears to signify that Raymond's team won. Or not.

It should also be noted that Raymond is part of a Satanic group that are trying to gain control of Barbara's daughter, Katy (Connor), who happens to have some pretty disturbing psychokinetic abilities, as well as a deranged bird that murders for her.

Henriksen, as usual, displays his emotions with the voracity of a stunned
raccoon.

While Raymond is trying to get to Kasty for evil purposes, Jerzy Colsowicz (Huston) is trying to win her over to the side of Yaweh. Or, failing that, straight-up kill her. And he is the good guy. He's also got powers similar to Katy's, and the Nickelback guy sends him to Earth to get the job done.

For some reason, his plan involves beating her at Pong.

During Katy's birthday party, she uses her powers to transform a glass peacock into a gun, which she blindly tosses across the room, where it lands on a table and goes off, shooting her mother and severing her spine. A new housekeeper (Winters) comes in and instantly recognizes Katy for what she is, and the housekeeper is not putting up with any of her shit.

Why is your daughter's head spinning 'round like that, ma'am?

There's all kinds of yelling and trying to murder each other, Jerzy tries to get Katy, and Katy tries to kill him. A detective (Ford) is trying to find out who keeps killing people who don't like Katy, Raymond is trying to convince his Satanic masters that he can totally get Barbara knocked-up to spawn another Zeetan baby to mate with Katy, and possible abortions performed by Barbara's ex-husband (Peckinpah).

But really, there is almost no coherent plotline to follow. Seriously. I literally had to look it up on Wikipedia because I had no friggin' clue what it was I had watched. And the same goes for my Special Guest, who is the person that suggested this movie. Truthfully, the plot described on Wikipedia sounds like it would be a good flick, so I'm not really sure what happened here.

Eventually, things come to a head (and that head is almost decapitated), and there are birds and screaming and blood and all kinds of I-don't-know-what, and then it ends, and you are left even more confused than you were before you started watching.

I'm not going to give you a summary of our opinions. Suffice to say, we were both confused. Still, we managed some good jokes, so feel free to look it up on Vudu or Hulu for free, and listen to our commentary while you watch!

It Conquered the World!

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If someone were to ask you, Dear Reader, what name comes to mind when they say "drive-in horror and sci-fi," the fact that you are here, reading this (and possibly listening to the attached podcast), no doubt means that the first name that would come to your mind is that of Roger Corman, the King of Low-Budget Movies!

And you would be right to say so.

One of the things that is rarely remarked upon about Corman, who is regularly--and erroneously, in our opinion--referred to as a "schlockmeister," is the vast network of amazing talent, in front of and behind the camera, that he is responsible for putting to work. Jack Nicholson, John Landis, David Carradine, Martin Kove, Sylvester Stallone, Beverly Garland, the immortal Dick Miller...The list goes on and on.

So the cast of this episode's movie, 1956's It Conquered the World, should not come as a surprise to anyone. But it did surprise Derek. Especially the appearance of Lee Van Cleef.

Look at him there, completely okay with being in a movie with Peter Graves!

Van Cleef is a scientist named Dr. Tom Anderson. Tom has built a super-powered ham radio, much to the consternation of his wife, Claire (Beverly Garland), and he has been using to talk to someone (or something) in SPAAAAAACE!

Dr. Tom's friend, Dr. Paul Nelson (Peter Graves), also has aspirations of communications in SPAAAAAACE! However, he goes the more traditional route by working on a military base, launching a satellite and looking at a TV screen that looks like the opening of The Outer Limits. Paul's wife, Joan (Sally Fraser), seems okay with that.

Despite these guys being the ones tasked with keeping the base safe.

When the military scientists lose control of Dr. Paul's satellite, there is a bit of concern about it crashing into an inhabited area, but Dr. Tom contacts Dr. Paul to ask him over to his house for drinks, where he will explain what is happening up there, because it turns out that Dr. Tom is at least partially responsible.

You see, Dr. Tom, ham radio aficionado that he is, has been using his radio to speak to somebody from Venus! In SPAAAAAACE! And he suggested to his new Venusian friend that it board the satellite and use it to come down to Earth, in a spot that has a similar atmosphere to its own planet. (Apparently, the atmosphere of Venus is similar to a hot springs out in the woods. Who knew?) It does, and immediately sets out to find itself some people to turn into radio-controlled slaves of some kind.

This is done by sending out flying deformed waffles to do its bidding.

At the same time, the entire city loses power. Nothing works; electricity, cars, water...All of it is dead. Except at the home of Dr. Tom and Claire. Claire is suspicious of this, worrying that her husband went and made friends with an evil entity from SPAAAAAACE that may very well bring about the end of humanity. You know how it is with married couples.

Since their car died halfway to Dr. Tom's house, Dr. Paul and Joan have to walk the last twelve miles, and they are in serious need of beverages. Fortunately, Dr. Tom provides those while he explains to Dr. Paul that there may be just a tiny little bit of an invasion from Venus happening, but it's all good because Dr. Tom is pals with the Murder Onion that is the monster from Venus. Dr. Paul, like so many others, is suspicious, but he keeps it mostly to himself because Dr. Tom offers hs friends a ride home in his still-functional car.

Did we mention the Murder Onion has lobster claws? It does.

Back at the base, Brig. General Patrick (Russ Bender) sends all the non-military folks packing out to the desert, for some reason. He then tells the gate guards, Sgt. Neil (Dick Miller) and Pvt. Ortiz (Johnathan Haze, who played Seymour in Little Shop of Horrors), that they and the rest of the soldiers on the base are going on a forced march out into the woods somewhere. They do so without questioning the fact that they were not given a specific destination.

Meanwhile, the flying waffles are trying to find their targets and turning them into mindless automatons, as they tend to do. There are a total of six sent out, but only about four actually find their marks--the General Patrick, the sheriff, and Dr. Paul's wife. The other four...not so much. Two were intended for the mayor and his wife, but they died in the stampede of people when they are being rushed out of town. One was intended for Dr. Paul, but he kills it with a fireplace poker. He also kills his own wife because she's the one who tried to trap him so the flying waffle can get him.

Claire, now fed up with all this murder and aliens and ham radios, decides to take matters into her own hands and go after the Murder Onion with a shotgun, so when Dr. Paul, who has found a bicycle and pedals the twelve miles to confront Dr. Tom, she takes one of only two workings car in town (the other is a Jeep that the General drove) and goes to the cave where the Murder Onion has established its base.

It goes about as well as you'd expect.

Fortunately, the wandering soldiers of the forest happen to hear her screams, and the now-convinced-he-was-wrong Dr. Tom arrives with Dr. Paul in the Jeep formerly driven by the now deceased General, just in time to help the soldiers confront the Murder Onion. But are they too late to save Claire?

Will Dr. Tom learn the error of his ways and take up a more reasonable hobby, like woodworking? Will Dr. Paul take up bicycling and walking as a hobby and become one of those insufferable douchebags who go on and on about how good they feel and how much better it is for the environment? Will the Murder Onion be defeated and added to a giant stew to feed all those people who are stuck out in the desert? And, most importantly, will Dr. Paul be held accountable for all the people he killed? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry was pretty impressed with the film, despite the goofiness of the Murder Onion. He's also pretty sure the cave it lives in is the same one that Ro-Man lived in during the events of Robot Monster. (It was. It's called Bronson Cave.)

Derek was amazed at the cast in this film, particularly Lee Van Cleef. He also finds the Murder Onion kind of ridiculous, but not enough to take away from the enjoyment of the movie. And he declares his undying love for Beverly Garland.

So fire up your ham radio, warm up some flying waffles, and listen to this week's episode!