The Karate Kid (1984)

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Ah, the 80s...Back when a scrawny little teabag like Ralph Macchio could carry a film. Of course, he had the calming presence of Pat Morita to keep things on a relatively even keel. And that's exactly what the guys got when they recorded a commentary for The Karate Kid!

Daniel Larusso (Macchio) and his mother (Randee Heller) are moving from New Jersey to California because Daniel's mom got a job. She believes it's a new beginning--a fresh start in a place that doesn't smell like hobo pee.

Daniel, on the other hand, is a typical teenager who wants no part of a fresh start, and he probably secretly enjoys the hobo pee smell. He looks like he would.

When they get to their new digs, there are immediate problems with the plumbing, and Daniel is dispatched to speak tot he maintenance man, Mr. Miyagi (Morita). Miyagi is aloof. He doesn't speak much. And when he does, it's in short, angry-sounding bursts of broken English. HE barks at Daniel that he will get to the plumbing after he finishes whatever it is he is doing.

Daniel, meanwhile, has made a friend, Freddy (Israel Juarbe), who invites him to a beach party that night, with promises of soccer in the sand, and a bunch of cute girls. And there is one particular girl, Ali (Elisabeth Shue, who would eventually dump Daniel for the more congenial and interesting Marty McFly a year later). Unfortunately for him, Ani's ex-boyfriend, Johnny (William Zabka), isn't quite over her yet, and he and his karate buddies go down to the beach and beat Daniel to a squishy pulp after Daniel provokes him. (This theme continues throughout the film.)

Even Alibeats him senseless after he provokes her.

Undaunted, Daniel continues pining for Ali, getting in fights with various members of Johnny's karate gang, called Cobra Kai. (That is actually the name of the karate dojo they go to, but it's basically a gang/cult sort of thing, led by an evil teacher named Kreese, who is played by Martin Kove.)

They even have matching jackets. It's like West Side Story, but with face-kicking.

Daniel also continues to antagonize the Cobra Kai guys, largely by being just so punchable, but also by being a real dick to them. Finally, after Miyagi rescues Daniel from potential death by karate on Halloween, Daniel convinces Miyagi to speak to Kreese about calling off his goons. They go to the Cobra Kai dojo.

There, an extremely racist Kreese calls everybody names, and then challenges Miyagi to a fight. When that doesn't happen, he demands to know what they want. Miyagi explains that it's unfair for a group of guys to jump Daniel, and they should leave him alone. Kreese disagrees, but tells the kids to leave Daniel alone after Miyagi suggests they all meet in two months to settle it at the All-Valley Karate Tournament, which is, apparently, a thing.

In the meantime, Miyagi agrees to teach Daniel karate, and starts him off by making him do all the housework and cleaning Miyagi has been putting off.

An important lesson to everyone: Read the fine print.

This goes on for a few weeks, where Daniel waxes Miyagi's vast collection of old cars, paints his house and fence, sands his backyard deck. All-in-all, a pretty sweet deal for Miyagi. Daniel, however, feels like he's getting hosed in this deal until Miyagi makes him perform the various specific motions he had to do while working, allowing Daniel to block punches and kicks like he has been doing it for years!

It still doesn't explain why Miyagi makes Daniel carry him around Yoda-style.

While he is practicing balance at the beach one afternoon, Daniel sees Miyagi standing on an old pier piling, doing some sort of kick. When he asks about it, Miyagi explains that it's an unbeatable move, and then he scares away some rednecks by karate chopping some beer bottles.

Things with Ali are a real rollercoaster while all this is happening. First, she agrees to go on a date with Daniel, and they have a nice time at a place called Pizza 'n' Stuff, but after Daniel gets his second beatdown from Johnny and his gang, he starts avoiding Ali. But then he decides to let it all go and get back with her. As he's about to meet up with her at a country club, he sees her dancing with Johnny, who spots Daniel and lays a big, sloppy kiss on Ali. Daniel runs away like a frightened toddler, only to get spaghetti dumped all over him, missing Ali getting pissed and slapping Johnny around.

After blowing Ali off for a while, her friend (who looks like a very young Sarah Silverman) informs Daniel about what happened at the club after he left, and he apologizes. Ali accepts, just in time to come cheer for Daniel at the karate tournament! Talk about lucky!

Daniel now must face the lesser Cobra Kai dudes and work his way up to facing off with Johnny, the current All-Valley champion. But will he make it? And if so, will he win? Will Miyagi make him build an addition on his house under the guise of "training"? (on that last one: Yes, but not until the sequel.)

We all know how this ends, right?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek feels like Johnny and the other Cobra Kai are getting kind of a bum deal in this one. Sure, they're aggressive toward Daniel, but the fact is, he is kind of a dick to them. Even when he has a chance to keep away from them, he antagonizes them. He should have lost.

Larry loves this flick, although he also agrees that Daniel is kind of an asshole. That doesn't stop him from wanting to watch this film over and over again! And, really, who wouldn't? It's great. Pat Morita is awesome, Elisabeth Shue is great, William Zabka is fantastic, and, yes, even Ralph Macchio is solid. Good stuff!

So put on your gi, start waxing on and off, and check out this new episode!