Cherry 2000

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Remember back in the mid-eighties, when the 2010s seemed so far away and futuristic? Back to the Future told us we would have hoverboards and flying cars! But it turned out that the 2010s of the 1980s would not be all wine and roses and dehydrated pizzas.

For instance, by the mid-2010s (again, according to the mid-eighties), sex toys, while more authentic-looking, would turn out to be non-waterproof,but also incredibly difficult to replace. Such is the premise of this week's movie, the 1987 Melanie Griffith vehicle, Cherry 2000.

Hard-drinking, Bozo-haired Melanie Griffith.

Sam Treadwell (David Andrews), a successful businessman,is a man who knows what he likes. And what he likes is a sex robot (Pamela Gidley) he keeps at home. After a particularly hard day at work, he comes home to his walking Fleshlight (with patented PleasureMouth Technology) and finds it doing dishes, which turns him on so badly that he has to have it right then and there. The robot, apparently with priority programming that requires it to stop whatever it is doing whenever its owner wants to rut, immediately ignores the dishes and drops on the floor to get down with Sam, leaving the water running, which overflows and shorts it out.

If it can't handle a little water, how does it deal with...you know...?

Crushed that his humpin' 'bot is broken, his repairman suggests he hire a tracker to take him to Zone 7, where these obsolete Cherry models are now stored. But before he can do that, his buddies take him to a bar/brothel called The Glory Hole,where he might try having sex with an actual woman. This does not work, as none of these women smell strongly enough of foam latex and gear lubricant.Oh, sure, there is some of that smell, no doubt, but not enough.

Now desperate, Sam seeks out the tracker his repairman suggested--E.Johnson (Melanie Griffith)--only to discover that she costs way more than he wants to pay. So he goes poking around  in dive bars, looking for someone cheaper. He finds Stacy (Brion James) and his partner, Slim (Michael C. Gwynne). Rather than help Sam, they attempt to rob him, only to be thwarted by their own stupidity. Sam immediately goes looking for Johnson so he can hire her. They hop in her Mustang and head out.

But not before attracting the attention of Robert "The Big Chin" Z'dar!

After a lot of driving, they stop so Johnson can rest, and Sam can listen to a  disc that has his Cherry 'bot's sex noises saved on it. When Johnson wakes up, she points out a ravine with a crane on the other side and explains her overly-complicated plan to use it to get to an underground reservoir where her mentor, Six-Fingered Jake (Ben Johnson), lives.

Johnson's plan, such as it is, involves pissing off the guys who own the crane by shooting at them, and then getting their car picked up by the crane and carried halfway over the ravine, then they have to kill the crane operator, and then get the car down into the ravine with a cable before the rest of the guys manage to kill them with rocket launchers.

Seems simple enough.

Somehow, this ridiculous plan works, and they get the car into the waterslide that leads to Six-Fingered Jake's hideout. Unfortunately, San screws it up when he slips and falls,causing himself and Johnson to let go of the rope connected to the back of the car that they were meant to climb down. They fall and slide until they land in a big pool of water, where they are found by Jake and taken back to his place, which is filled to the brim with toaster ovens, for some reason.

This guy knows how to cook a rattlesnake in three easy steps!

The guy who owns the site where the crane was, Lester (Tim Thomerson), sends some of his thugs to kill Sam, Jake and Johnson. Jake and Johnson escape, but Sam is knocked out and taken back to their base which appears to be some kind of trailer park from the 1950s. His ex-girlfriend, Elaine (Cameron Milzer), who now goes by the name of Ginger, tells him Jake and Johnson were killed. Lester offers to let Sam into his group, and Sam agrees, but starts regretting this decision when he watches Lester kill a tracker that made his way into the group.

Fortunately for Sam, Jake and Johnson aren't dead, and they arrive to save him, taking time allow him to set all of Lester's vehicles on fire and blow up a warehouse full of bees. (The bees are never explained.)

Nor are the clothing and accessory choices of Lester's men.

Sam and Johnson get away and, after a brief make-out session after Sam crashes Johnson's car, head to a gas station owned by a friend of Jake's named Snappy (Harry Carey, Jr.). Jake rejoins them, only to be killed when he discovers Snappy has informed Lester that Sam, Johnson and he are there.

Johnson gets to work fixing an airplane so she and Sam can fly to the factory where the Cherry 2000 'bots are, and they just manage to get airborne as Lester and his men show up.

But will they make it? Will Sam find a replacement for his beloved sex toy? Or will he give Johnson a try and see if an actual vagina is better?You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek can't get over how stupid the premise of this movie is. Especially now, when you can order a Fleshlight on Amazon Prime and have it two days later. And the potential for being electrocuted by it is greatly reduced.

Jake is bothered by the lack of a decent script that could have made this a slightly darker, but still entertaining sex-focused version of Blade Runner. Also, he doesn't like Sam, as there is really nothing about him to like,

Larry is straight-up enraged by the lack of structure in the movie, as well as how disinterested Melanie Griffith seems to be. He also dislikes Sam, like any right-thinking person should. Seriously, the guy is just so punchable.

So start the excessively complicated ignition of your futuristic classic car, stock upon hand sanitizer, and checkout this week's episode!