Dog Soldiers

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Werewolves. They can be real jerks sometimes. Sure, they look like dogs, albeit dogs that walk upright, but they think like humans, which makes them infinitely more dangerous.

Soldiers. Trained in tactical fighting and weapons, as well as hand-to-hand combat and slightly less likely to rip out your entrails than a werewolf might. But still dangerous.

So what happens when one group meets the other? Dog Soldiers is what. It's right up there in the title. Try to keep up.

Anyway, a couple (Craig Conway and Tina Landini) are camping somewhere in Scotland, and the woman gives her...boyfriend? Husband? It is never established, but she gives him a silver dagger that looks like a letter opener one might find at an antique store. Duly aroused by precious metal weaponry, the couple get down to business. And by "business," we mean nasty, filthy sex. At least, they would have, had the woman not been dragged out of their tent by her feet and bother she and her male companion person murdered like crazy by...something.

A few hours before, a soldier, Cooper (Kevin McKidd), is trying out for some sort of Special Forces group by evading capture. When he is finally found, the group's leader, Capt. Ryan (angry David Gilmour stand-in Liam Cunningham), tells Cooper he did well, but he has to kill the dog that they were hunting him with. When Cooper refuses, insults are traded, and it is pretty clear that he is not the kind of soldier they were looking for.

Spot the Special Forces guy!.

Jumping four weeks ahead from our flashback of a couple hours before the opening of the movie (still following?), a group of soldiers, including Cooper, are airdropped into the woods of Scotland to do an exercise against the Special Forces guys. Armed with blanks-shooting guns, they head out, only to discover the Special Forces' campsite, which is covered in the remains of the Special Forces guys.

They do find one survivor, however: Capt. Ryan, who is alive, but wounded with large scratches across his torso. He's pretty vague about what happened, and nobody is happy about it. Despite Cooper's lack of sympathy for Ryan, they treat the wounds and collect weapons from the site that fire actual real bullets. As they're trying to make their way out of the forest, they realize they are being followed, and a few men are sent out to see who it is. It doesn't go well, and one of the men, Cpl. Bruce Campbell (Thomas Lockyer) is accosted by something, impaling himself on a tree as he runs away. The group's leader, Sgt. Wells (Sean Pertwee) is also attacked, but he gets away with a few scratches, similar to Ryan. The others get him and they move on, still being pursued.

Oh, good...She's a shutterbug!

A Land Rover almost runs over one of them, and the driver, Megan (Emma Cleasby), has them get in just in time, as one of the creatures following them attacks the truck, punching through the top and trying to grab anyone it can. They manage to get it off the truck and Megan drives them to a house in the middle of nowhere.They take Ryan and Wells inside, and Cooper and the others (Darren Morfitt as Spoon, Chris Robson as Joe and Leslie Simpson as Terry) take up posts inside to make sure they're safe.

As it gets darker, they see that the house is being surrounded by these creatures, and they decide the prudent move would be to get out of there before they close in. They try to get into the Land Rover, but the creatures have destroyed its engine, so they are trapped.

No, you hit them on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

Terry is taken as they fight with the now-identified werewolves, and the others barely make it past the first attack. But then Megan suddenly remembers that she keeps another Land Rover out in the barn of this house that she tells them is not hers. A plan is devised for Spoon to draw the werewolves away from the house until Joe can get to the barn and get the truck. It works, sort of, and when Joe gets in the truck, he turns on the lights and sees one of the werewolves in the process of eating Terry. Freaked out, he hot-wires the truck and backs through a wall, pulling up to the front of the house, only to discover that there is another werewolf in the back seat. It does not end well, but Joe was gung ho about going out with a fight!

The others come out of the house, unaware of Joe's fate, only to find out in the most gooey way possible: they open the door and Joe's guts come sliding out onto the ground.

Once again vehicle-less, they retreat back to the house and start asking Ryan more questions. At first, he's not particularly forthcoming with details, but he eventually explains that the soldiers were meant as bait, and the Special Forces guys were supposed to capture the werewolf they believed was terrorizing the countryside. What they did not count on was that there were more than one. Cooper and Wells are not happy, and they intend to kill Ryan, but then he turns into a werewolf (remember his wounds?), and escapes.

Sadly, those are not Angry David Gilmour's intestines. He was a jerk.

Megan tells the guys that the werewolves must be hiding in the barn, so a plan is hatched to blow it up. The fuel line to the Joe-covered Land Rover is cut, and the back is filled with gas canisters, of which there appear to be dozens in the house for some reason. Cooper drives the truck into the barn and runs out. Spoon fumbles with the matches until Wells comes out with a Molotov cocktail and throws it at the trail of fuel, which ignites and blows up the barn.

The celebration is short-lived, however, when Megan reveals there are no werewolves in the barn; she just wanted to make sure they didn't have a vehicle they could escape in. Oh, and by the way, she is, in fact, also a werewolf, and this is her family's house. Must have slipped her mind.

But what happens next? Will they make it through the might? Or will Megan and her family snack on them all night? And what about the dog? Did we mention there's a dog?

He's a good boy! Yes he is!

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek liked this one. There were elements of a lot of other horror movies, such as Evil Dead, Night of the Living Dead and Jurassic Park. He's still not sure why Luxembourg stood in for Scotland, but he isn't a producer.

Jake picked this movie, and it's pretty clear that he digs it. It's got all the stuff he likes in a horror flick, aside from Nazis. (To clarify: Jake DOES NOT like Nazis. But he thinks they are perfect werewolf fodder, and they never win in the end!)

Larry enjoyed the movie, as well. Although he points out that a lot of it is predictable, it's still a fun watch. For a change, he seemed pretty happy about the gore level in this one. There was a lot of blood and guts. The movie felt sticky,

So get some silver, lock the doors and cover the windows, and check out this week's episode!

Garbage Pail Kids

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Sometimes, a good idea can come from the weirdest places. An apple falls on your head, and you hypothesize the existence of gravity. Your grandfather suggests pickles on your peanut butter sandwich, and you suddenly have one of the greatest sandwiches of all time. Someone gives Tim Burton a bunch of old Topps trading cards, and you end up with a classic movie like Mars Attacks!!!.

And then there's the other side of the coin; pineapple on pizza, the Flat Earth Society, and, in the realm of trading card-based franchises, Garbage Pail Kids.

Someone, somewhere sat down one day, looked at the ongoing popularity of the long-running Topps sicker card collection and thought, "What the world needs now is a live-action version of these monstrosities (based on Cabbage Patch Kids and covered in all sorts of gross effluvia)! What big names can we get to star in it?"

The answer, of course, was Anthony Newley, the real-life brother of Mikey from The Goonies (not Josh Brolin), that kid's girlfriend, and to play the title characters, some of the best-known "little people" actors Hollywood had to offer, for the right price. (Phil Fondacaro, Debbie Lee Carrington, Kevin Thompson, Arturo Gil.)

Mackenzie Astin (son of John, brother of Sean) "stars" as Dodger, a possibly homeless boy who works for antique store owner Captain Manzini (Newley), who pays him in baths and inappropriate clothes. Because of the odd payment arrangement, Dodger has to make money somehow, and whatever it is (it is never made clear) puts him in the path of an 80s-style thug named Juice (Ron MacLachlan) and his two toadies, Wally (J.P. Amateau) and Blythe (Marjory Graue). Adding to Dodger's problems is his unrequited love for Juice's girlfriend, the inexplicably-named Tangerine (Katie Barberi), who dreams of becoming a fashion designer.

These are what the 80s insisted we thought of as "toughs".

One day, while Juice and his gang are searching for Dodger, they come into Manzini's shop and knock over a garbage can, which starts spilling green goo on the floor. Somehow, that goo turns into a group of large-headed hellbeasts, and Dodger immediately takes to them, and they to him. Manzini is furious that they got out of their garbage can (we refuse to call it a "pail"), so he forces Dodger to bathe in front of them and sets to finding a spell to get them back into it. Oh! Did we forget to mention that Manzini is some kind of low-budget sorcerer? Because he is. Sort of.

This feels illegal to even look at.

In the meantime, the Garbage Pail Kids begin searching the city for more of their own kind. Their search proves fruitless, but they do discover the dark side of the town they are in. There's a state-run Home for the Ugly where they suspect some of their friends might be, but they can't risk capture by going there. So they go to the local biker bar instead. (Did we mention this is a kids' movie?) Once there, they start being gross, and one of them, Ali Gator (Thompson) starts a fight by trying to eat one of the bikers' toes. It's kind of Ali's thing. The end result of the fight is that the bikers accept them for who they are, and then the Kids leave and steal a couple of trucks full of snacks and soda, almost killing Juice in the process. In this movie for children.

Hardened criminals, all of them.

Also in this movie for pre-teens, Dodger is doing everything he can to get Tangerine to give up her goodies to him, despite the fact that he is only fourteen and Avocado is currently allotting said goodies to the much older Juice. One such attempt involves getting the Kids to make a bunch of clothes--did we mention that, along with being gross, hellish trolls, they are also talented clothing designers?--for Pomegranate to sell outside of the local dance club at closing time, as your average fashion designer does.

These are the kinds of clothes mutant children who have had a stroke design.

Impressed with the clothes, Tangelo decides that she needs to have a fashion show at the local mall, where she will take credit for the designs by unpaid child laborers. In this movie that was intended for kids. And Dodger is all about it because of the potential viewing (and possible touching!) of Grapefruit's breasts. (Still watching, kids?)

It's You Can't Stop the Music!, but without music. For kids.

Again, the Kids agree, but demand food this time, and finish most of the outfits within hours while Dodger buys cereal for them. When he goes to see Musk Melon to let her know the clothes are done, the Kids follow him, allowing Cantaloupe to see them. After a little fear pee, she takes over supervision of the clothing prep, and, when they are finished and the fashion show is organized, tells Juice and the others about the Kids so they can capture them and take them to the State Home for the Ugly, which they do while Dodger and Blackberry get the show rolling.

But will the Kids escape? Will Dragonfruit realize Juice is a bucket of turds and turn to Dodger to comfort her? Will Manzini figure out how to get the Kids back int he trash can they belong in? Is this whole movie some sort of pro-abortion metaphor? You'll have to listen to find out! (And really, that's the only way you should find out. Don't watch the movie. Don't even Google it because you might accidentally see an image from it. It's not worth the risk.)

Derek regrets many things in life, but none as much as choosing this movie. He is so very, very sorry. So very sorry. Please forgive him. Can he make you a sandwich or something to make up for it?

Larry was super excited to watch this with the others that he demanded they wait until they could all be together. There is something really wrong with that guy. But not so much that he did hate the movie. He did.

Jake was an innocent victim, caught between Larry's enthusiasm and Derek's hubris. Pity him. He had no other choice. If you have Derek make a sandwich, maybe have him give it to Jake to make him feel better.

So...uh...You know what? No cutesy crap or movie reference puns. Just listen to the show. You'll understand why.