May 11, 2019

Garbage Pail Kids

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Sometimes, a good idea can come from the weirdest places. An apple falls on your head, and you hypothesize the existence of gravity. Your grandfather suggests pickles on your peanut butter sandwich, and you suddenly have one of the greatest sandwiches of all time. Someone gives Tim Burton a bunch of old Topps trading cards, and you end up with a classic movie like Mars Attacks!!!.

And then there's the other side of the coin; pineapple on pizza, the Flat Earth Society, and, in the realm of trading card-based franchises, Garbage Pail Kids.

Someone, somewhere sat down one day, looked at the ongoing popularity of the long-running Topps sicker card collection and thought, "What the world needs now is a live-action version of these monstrosities (based on Cabbage Patch Kids and covered in all sorts of gross effluvia)! What big names can we get to star in it?"

The answer, of course, was Anthony Newley, the real-life brother of Mikey from The Goonies (not Josh Brolin), that kid's girlfriend, and to play the title characters, some of the best-known "little people" actors Hollywood had to offer, for the right price. (Phil Fondacaro, Debbie Lee Carrington, Kevin Thompson, Arturo Gil.)

Mackenzie Astin (son of John, brother of Sean) "stars" as Dodger, a possibly homeless boy who works for antique store owner Captain Manzini (Newley), who pays him in baths and inappropriate clothes. Because of the odd payment arrangement, Dodger has to make money somehow, and whatever it is (it is never made clear) puts him in the path of an 80s-style thug named Juice (Ron MacLachlan) and his two toadies, Wally (J.P. Amateau) and Blythe (Marjory Graue). Adding to Dodger's problems is his unrequited love for Juice's girlfriend, the inexplicably-named Tangerine (Katie Barberi), who dreams of becoming a fashion designer.

These are what the 80s insisted we thought of as "toughs".
One day, while Juice and his gang are searching for Dodger, they come into Manzini's shop and knock over a garbage can, which starts spilling green goo on the floor. Somehow, that goo turns into a group of large-headed hellbeasts, and Dodger immediately takes to them, and they to him. Manzini is furious that they got out of their garbage can (we refuse to call it a "pail"), so he forces Dodger to bathe in front of them and sets to finding a spell to get them back into it. Oh! Did we forget to mention that Manzini is some kind of low-budget sorcerer? Because he is. Sort of.

This feels illegal to even look at.
In the meantime, the Garbage Pail Kids begin searching the city for more of their own kind. Their search proves fruitless, but they do discover the dark side of the town they are in. There's a state-run Home for the Ugly where they suspect some of their friends might be, but they can't risk capture by going there. So they go to the local biker bar instead. (Did we mention this is a kids' movie?) Once there, they start being gross, and one of them, Ali Gator (Thompson) starts a fight by trying to eat one of the bikers' toes. It's kind of Ali's thing. The end result of the fight is that the bikers accept them for who they are, and then the Kids leave and steal a couple of trucks full of snacks and soda, almost killing Juice in the process. In this movie for children.

Hardened criminals, all of them.
Also in this movie for pre-teens, Dodger is doing everything he can to get Tangerine to give up her goodies to him, despite the fact that he is only fourteen and Avocado is currently allotting said goodies to the much older Juice. One such attempt involves getting the Kids to make a bunch of clothes--did we mention that, along with being gross, hellish trolls, they are also talented clothing designers?--for Pomegranate to sell outside of the local dance club at closing time, as your average fashion designer does.

These are the kinds of clothes mutant children who have had a stroke design.
Impressed with the clothes, Tangelo decides that she needs to have a fashion show at the local mall, where she will take credit for the designs by unpaid child laborers. In this movie that was intended for kids. And Dodger is all about it because of the potential viewing (and possible touching!) of Grapefruit's breasts. (Still watching, kids?)

It's You Can't Stop the Music!, but without music. For kids.
Again, the Kids agree, but demand food this time, and finish most of the outfits within hours while Dodger buys cereal for them. When he goes to see Musk Melon to let her know the clothes are done, the Kids follow him, allowing Cantaloupe to see them. After a little fear pee, she takes over supervision of the clothing prep, and, when they are finished and the fashion show is organized, tells Juice and the others about the Kids so they can capture them and take them to the State Home for the Ugly, which they do while Dodger and Blackberry get the show rolling.

But will the Kids escape? Will Dragonfruit realize Juice is a bucket of turds and turn to Dodger to comfort her? Will Manzini figure out how to get the Kids back int he trash can they belong in? Is this whole movie some sort of pro-abortion metaphor? You'll have to listen to find out! (And really, that's the only way you should find out. Don't watch the movie. Don't even Google it because you might accidentally see an image from it. It's not worth the risk.)

Derek regrets many things in life, but none as much as choosing this movie. He is so very, very sorry. So very sorry. Please forgive him. Can he make you a sandwich or something to make up for it?

Larry was super excited to watch this with the others that he demanded they wait until they could all be together. There is something really wrong with that guy. But not so much that he did hate the movie. He did.

Jake was an innocent victim, caught between Larry's enthusiasm and Derek's hubris. Pity him. He had no other choice. If you have Derek make a sandwich, maybe have him give it to Jake to make him feel better.

So...uh...You know what? No cutesy crap or movie reference puns. Just listen to the show. You'll understand why.

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