Re-View: Armageddon

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Something like eighty years ago, two-thirds of the guys got together to watch Michael Bay threaten to destroy the world (again), in the form of the movie Armageddon, starring Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler, Billy Bob Thornton, Steve Buscemi, Michael Clarke Duncan, Will Patton, Willian Fichtner, Owen Wilson, Peter Stormare, Ken Campbell, Keith David, and host of other well-known actors.

Bored gargoyle is bored.

Unfortunately, due to a weather issue at the time, Jake couldn't make it to the recording of the original show (which you can listen to here), so it was left to Derek and Larry to sit through this incredibly mediocre film. But now we've fixed that with the first Here Be Spoilers Re-View, where the guys re-watch four films that one (or more) of them couldn't be there for the first time around! And, boy howdy, is it a good thing Jake could make it this time, because he had a lot to say about it.

Anyway...

A giant asteroid is hurtling toward Earth, which is incredibly inconvenient, because that's where we keep all of our stuff. And so, it is up to Billy Bob Thornton, a NASA bigwig, to figure out how to stop the asteroid from hitting the planet and killing everything. Even puppies and kittens! Stupid asteroid.

After all plans are shot down as "unrealistic," it is decided that training a team from an oil platform (Bruce Willis and company) to fly up to the asteroid, drill a hole in it and drop a nuclear bomb in there to blow the whole thing in half is the best thing they could come up with. Go ahead and read that sentence again and let it sink in. We'll wait.

The Wrong Stuff.

So NASA sends people out to bring the crew to Washington, D.C., to teach them how to make a hole in something that isn't full of oil. After a whopping eight days of training, they are all tossed into a couple of shuttles and launched into space, where they will first connect with a Russian space station to fuel for the rest of their journey. Within minutes, Ben Affleck causes the space station to explode, almost taking both of the shuttles with it. They don't have all the fuel they were supposed to get, and they kidnapped the one inhabitant of the station (Peter Stormare).

Lev is not putting up with your shenanigans.

The next part of the trip involves a slingshot maneuver around the moon so they can sneak up on the asteroid(?) and land on it so they can make the hole. Poor navigational choices result in one of the shuttles crash-landing, leaving only Affleck, Duncan and Stormare alive. The other shuttle lands twenty-six miles last the spot they were supposed to, meaning they will have to drill in a spot where they are definitely going to have a hard time, because Michael Bay thinks getting things done the easy way is for whimps. They unload their drill--the Armadillo--and start drilling, breaking stuff on the machine almost instantly.

Over at the other shuttle's crash site, Affleck, Stormare and Duncan are determined to find the other crew and make a hole in something. To temporarily satiate Affleck's hole-making jones, he uses a machine gun inexplicably mounted on this piece of outer space drilling equipment, to make a giant hole in the side of what is left of their shuttle. Then off they go, searching for the others.

Gunfire in a pure oxygen environment? Okay!

Back at the main site, Steve Buscemi goes slightly insane and starts shooting things up with their own drill-mounted machine gun, and gets duct taped to a chair for his troubles. A quick call from Earth gives William Fichtner permission to wave a gun around at people and try to detonate the nuke before they have a deep enough hole where it will be effective. Bruce Willis, who it seems is not a fan of being all exploded for no reason, objects and convinced Fichtner to wait until they make the hole deep enough.

Still nowhere near the drilling site, Affleck's group finds itself with a conundrum: there is a big old canyon they have to cross, but there are no convenient bridges nearby. Obviously, they need to get across, but how? well, duh! You "Dukes of Hazzard" it across, you stupid moron! Wow. How dumb can you be?

We're sorry. We're just lashing out at the overwhelming dopiness of this film.

This is real the reason we're mad.

Anyway, Affleck and Stormare get the Armadillo ready for the jump, while Duncal straps in and says the Lord's Prayer over and over. And then they're off!

At the main site, things are going pretty good, but still taking a lot of time. And then tragedy strikes! Again! This time, it's a gas pocket that causes an explosion, sending that crew's Armadillo floating off into space...with Ken Campbell still inside! What are they gonna do now?!

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake, who was not there for the original show, is glad he missed it the first time. It is dumb. All kinds of dumb. But it's a fun kind of dumb, although the romantic story between Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck is completely unnecessary. Man, is this movie dumb!

Larry is not happy because this movie is way too long. By his conservative estimation, a solid forty-five minutes could have been cut from this film and made it much more watchable, and that specifically includes cutting the Affleck/Tyler animal cracker bit.

Derek agrees with both of them, in that it was too long and also stupid. As an added bonus, he's pretty certain you could replace the entire cast with the cast of The Office and dramatically improve the quality of the film. Who would Dwight play, though?

So put on your space suit, fire up that annoying Aerosmith song, and listen this week's episode!