The Dark Tower

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Stephen King is, we can all agree, the most prolific horror writer in the world. It's his bread and butter. But every once in a while, he fires off a novel that isn't quite like his usual material. And a surprising number of those have been turned into movies, such as Stand By Me, The Shawshank Redemption, The Running Man (although it is almost impossible to recognize the original story in that movie), and this week's movie, The Dark Tower.

Inspired by Spaghetti Westerns starring Clint Eastwood and The Lord of the Rings, King has built an eight-book series that follows a gunslinger named Roland through an alternate universe where he must protect the Dark Tower that keeps the multiverse from collapsing in on itself or letting the various realms cross over into other realms. It also ties almost all of King's other books together, as well. It's a pretty complicated thing. Complicated enough to encompass eight books, anyway.

The sexual tension between these two takes up two books by itself!

Fortunately, if you don't have time to read that many books, there's this movie, which stars Idris Elba as Roland the Gunslinger, Matthew McConaughey as The Man in Black (aka Walter), and young Tom Taylor as Jake--a young boy with a special ability that allows him to see what Roland is up to over in his part of the multiverse. There are dozens of other people, but they're barely worth mentioning here.

Jake, age twelve, is Special. Or, as his stepfather Lon (Nicholas Pauling) would say, crazy. He has the Shine, which you might remember from The Shining, another movie/book combo from King's earlier work. Jake has what he believes to be nightmares, where he sees visions of a gunfighter who fights a mysterious Man in Black, who kills the Gunslinger's father. Jake's bedroom walls are covered with sketches of the Gunslinger, the Man in Black, and the Dark Tower, although he isn't quite sure what all of it means, or if it's even real. Jake's mother, Laurie (Katheryn Winnick), and Lon the asshole think that Jake might be dangerous after he beats up a bully (Nicholas Hamilton) that steals his sketchbook. So she contacts a local hospice that immediately sends out a doctor (Eva Kaminsky) and an orderly (Robbie McLean) to come take him away. Jake notices clues, such as the doctor's hand shaking like it's trying to escape her arm and the orderly's face having a seam running around it that suggests it is not his actual face, that cause him to decide to sneak out of the apartment before they can drag him off. The orderly gives chase, only to lose him.

This kid is nothing but trouble.

In the meantime, Jake goes to a location he had dreamed about after checking online to see if anybody recognizes it. Someone does, and they tell him where it is located. When Jake gets there, he finds a run down house that has a surprisingly modern keypad and door at the back. Typing in a number he recalled from his dreams, the door opens a portal into what appears to be another world. After throwing a shoe through to make sure it is safe and then fighting with part of the house's floor, Jake goes through the door and finds himself in the middle of a desert. A quick search around the general area reveals what appears to be a campsite, and Jake finds a canteen full of water, which he drinks immediately, only to stop and find himself face-to-muzzle with the gun of the Gunslinger from his dream, and he does not appear to be pleased.

In the ensuing conversation, Jake tells the Gunslinger that he has been appearing in the boy's dreams, and then shows Roland the sketches. Roland realizes Jake has the Shine and decides to get the boy back home before the Man in Black finds him. He also warns Jake not to use his talent because the Man in Black can use that to track him down. This throws a real wrench into Roland's plan to hunt down the Man in Black and take revenge for killing Roland's father, Steven (Dennis Haysbert). The Man in Black is sending his minions out to collect gifted children so he can plug them into his machine and use their power to attack the Dark Tower. it's sort of how the Skeksis in The Dark Crystal use the Podlings as a source of vitality, but even more murdery and disturbing, because it's not puppets this time.

All this fuss...Over a big, pointy rock.

Roland decides that Jake's visions must mean something, so they head toward a village where a seer can explain them. Along the way, they are attacked by one of the Man in Black's monsters, but Roland shoots it a lot and they get away, although Roland's shoulder is injured by a giant stinger that leaves a pretty large hole. They continue on tot he village, and when the seer touches Jake to see his visions, the Man in Black's minions attack, killing people and setting things on fire like crazy! Roland, itching to shoot something in the face, steps up and does that to just about anything that looks like it is attacking, including an amazing shot from about half a mile away, killing one of the monsters that has grabbed Jake and took off running through the surrounding cornfields.

Back in New York, the Man in Black goes to Jake's home and kills Lon with a simple phrase: "Stop breathing." He then interrogates Laurie and reads her thoughts, seeing Jake's drawings of him, and then berating Laurie for not believing her own son. It does not end well for her.

Kind of a jerk. Also hangs out with dangerously thin women. Weird,

Back in the village, Jake tells Roland there is a portal back to New York, and the villagers activate their own and send the two of them through it, where the emerge in some kind of restaurant. Jake keeps Roland from shooting everybody, and then they go to the hospital to get treatment for Roland's injuries. It's a pretty funny scene, actually, as Roland attempts to explain how he was injured without letting the doctors and nurses know he's from another universe. They then go to Jake's home so Jake can check-in with his mother. What they find is a pile of ashes in Jake's bedroom, and a smiley face with the words "hello there" written on the wall in those same ashes. As a distraction and an attempt to comfort Jake, Roland teaches him how to shoot a gun, while also teaching him the Gunslinger's Creed. As they speak each line, Jake's aim improves, giving him the ability to calm himself enough to make a good shot. If you are expecting this newfound talent to show up later in the film, you will be sorely disappointed.

Having shot some harmless bottles to get out some aggression, Roland needs more ammunition, so Jake takes him to a local gun shop, where Roland sticks his gun in the shopkeeper's face and takes all of his bullets. As they're leaving, the Man in Black shows up and confronts Roland while locking Jake out of the store. Although Roland shoots at the Man in Black, the bullets go right through him because he's not actually there. Roland tells Jake to run, but the boy is almost instantly caught by the Man in Black's goons and taken to their base. Jake sees the code they put in to take him to the base, and he uses his Shine to let Roland know so he can get there, as well. Roland heads back to the portal to rescue Jake.

"I'm gonna shoot a buncha people, is what I'm gonna do!"

But will he make it? Or will the Man in Black vacuum Jake's power out and use it to destroy the Dark Tower? Will there be Gelflings involved? How about Ewoks? Can we get a couple of Ewoks up in here? And will Roland finally be able to face-off with the Man in Black? Who will win?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake likes the movie, although he feels like he would have enjoyed it more if he had not read the source material beforehand. Efforts are made to avoid comparing it to the books, but those fail miserably when Derek makes a joke about Roland's lack of a hat. (A sticking point with Jake.)

Derek is blissfully ignorant of the books--he's aware of them, but has not read them. He is, therefore, probably the best possible audience for this film, and absolutely enjoyed it. Well, mostly. His biggest problem with it is all the mumbling. For all the action, everyone sounds really bored.

So fire up your portal, put on your cowboy cosplay costume and tune in to this week's episode!

Hercules in New York

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We all love Greek Mythology, right? Sure! Who doesn't! And when you add a young, muscle-bound, heavily-dubbed Arnold Schwarzenegger (aka Arnold "Mr. Universe" Strong) to the mix, as well as human-turtle hybrid Arnold Stang and a loose bear in Central Park, how much better could it possibly get?

The answer, unfortunately, is that it could get so much better. So. Much. Better.

Even a chariot racing through Times Square doesn't help.

Hercules is discontent with just hanging around Mount Olympus. He needs to get out and spread his wings. He needs to meet new people. He needs to dry-hump unsuspecting mortal women in the back of a carriage. And he needs to do it now. So he begs his father, Zeus (Ernest Graves), to let him go down to Earth and interact with the puny humans. Zeus is not keen on the idea, but it turns out that he is not the hardass he is depicted as in all those stories we read in elementary school. Defying his father, Hercules heads out, landing in the ocean, where he is picked up by a fishing vessel and is tasked with tossing other crew members around. He gets to work immediately, but decides to leave the ship when it gets into port in New York.

He is not, however, in a hurry to find any shirts.

The captain of the ship (Rudy Bond) is not too happy with Hercules just wandering off the ship (who will toss the crew around now?!), so he sends some thugs to drag the demigod back. It goes about as well for them as you might expect. And as the fight is happening, a local who sells pretzels on the dock and calls himself "Pretzie" (although it is entirely possible that Pretzie is his given name, because New York is weird) spots Hercules and decides that he needs to befriend this lumbering buttsteak, possibly to work as muscle for him, allowing Pretzie to charge whatever he wants for his pretzels without fear of repercussion. We do not pretend to know Pretzie's motivations, but he is clearly a pretty shifty dude.

After briefly assaulting a forklift, Hercules joins Pretzie in a cab ride through Central park, where they happen to find the Olympic team practicing. Hercules decides that he needs to get in there and show these bozos how to throw a discus and a javelin, and after some brief interaction with the coach, he is allowed to try and, of course, blows them all away with his amazing strength. So much so, in fact, that Pretzie bets one of the athletes fifty bucks, which he doesn't have, that Hercules can do better than their best guys at everything, which he does, of course.

Sure, they look weird together, but the sex is amazing.

In the random crowd watching all of this, Professor Camden (James Karen) and his daughter Helen (Deborah Loomis) see what transpires, and Dr. Camden immediately invites Pretzie and Hercules to tea. For some reason--most likely because it is 1969--Pretzie assumes that, by "tea", Dr. Camden means "drugs, most likely LSD." Pretzie is a weird guy. After Dr. Camden explains that he did not, in fact, offer Pretzie and his beefy, now-shirtless friend hallucinogens, they agree and head back to Pretzie's place to get cleaned up, apparently taking a few minutes to buy an enormous suit and several huge sweaters for Hercules on the way.

When they arrive at Dr. Camden's home, they are greeted by Helen, and Hercules, being a big, dumb lunkhead, immediately offends her. And then Helen's boyfriend Rod (Harold Burstein) shows up, so Hercules asks them if they are lovers, and a sort of fight ensues. Well, not really a fight, as such. Rod, defending Helen's purity, takes a couple of swings at Hercules, who then picks up Rod over his head and shakes him like a British nanny. We learn later that this violent jostling cracked two of Rod's ribs, but only makes him love Hercules more. He's a complex fella.

"Oh no! It appears my shirt has disappeared again and my enormous
pectorals can been seen by everybody! I am so embarrassed!"

Helen, for her part, acts as though every single dumb word that comes spilling out of Hercules' giant head offends her to her core, but only until the next scene, where the carriage cry humping mentioned above takes place. It is not to be consummated, however, because a bear that appears to know how to pick locks breaks out of the Central Park Zoo and goes on a rampage stroll through the park, where he bumps into Hercules and Helen. Hercules jumps out of the carriage to wrestle with the bear, while Helen stays in the carriage and yells, "HIT HIM! BEAT HIM UP!"

Dr. Camden convinces Pretzie that Hercules should get into professional wrestling to pay for more enormous clothing, and Pretzie agrees. Hercules, always happy to toss people around, also agrees and quickly works his way up the ranks. As he gets more popular, some gangsters, led by Artie Lange replicant Maxie (Merwin Goldsmith), pressure Pretzie into signing Hercules' contract over to them. Pretzie does, and immediately falls into a spiral of alcoholism that will, no doubt, shorten his already fragile life significantly.

Back on Mount Olympus, an angry Zeus demands to know where Hercules is and why nobody will listen to him. He first sends Mercury (Dan Hamilton) down to try and talk Hercules into returning. When that fails, he decides to send Nemesis (Taina Elg) to get him back home, but she is stopped by Venus (Erica Fitz), who instead instructs Nemesis to just take Herc's godly powers away from him. Again, defying the Father of the Gods without a second thought, Nemesis goes down to Earth and slips Hercules a roofie while he's out on a date with helen (who, you will recall, is supposed to hate him).

"Somebody bring me my re bar lightning bolts!"

The next day(?), Hercules must meet with another wrestler, Monstro (Tony "Mr. World" Carroll), in a contest. Not a wrestling contest, mind you...It's a weightlifting contest. So both men don their tiniest shorts and lift heavy things until Hercules, now without his super strength, fails to lift one thousand pounds. It is a sad day for Hercules, who throws down his fuzzy robe and stamps his tiny feet with incoherent rage. The gangsters who own his contract now are also angry because they lost a bunch of money on this contest, and a chase ensues. But will Hercules and his friends get away? Will at least one chariot be involved? Will Hercules return home? Or will he stay with Pretzie and blast Helen whenever he can? And what happened to Rod? Also, will Juno (Tanny McDonald) make some sort of sketchy deal with Pluto (Michael Lipton) that will result in Hercules spending a century in Hell?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake believes there is nothing redeeming about this movie. He is not wrong. It is garbage. The only way to enjoy it is with friends, so you can make fun of it. And if you do, get the version with Arnold's voice undubbed. Make soft pretzels. Every time he mispronounces his own name, eat a pretzel. It's fun!

Derek also finds nothing of use in this movie. Both were confused by Pretzie's lack of pretzels after his opening scene, and it is never addressed in the rest of the movie. Instead, he becomes as wrestling manager and drinks himself into oblivion. A fitting end, really.

So grease up your pecs, put on some really tiny shorts, and tune in to this week's episode!