Hercules in New York

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We all love Greek Mythology, right? Sure! Who doesn't! And when you add a young, muscle-bound, heavily-dubbed Arnold Schwarzenegger (aka Arnold "Mr. Universe" Strong) to the mix, as well as human-turtle hybrid Arnold Stang and a loose bear in Central Park, how much better could it possibly get?

The answer, unfortunately, is that it could get so much better. So. Much. Better.

Even a chariot racing through Times Square doesn't help.

Hercules is discontent with just hanging around Mount Olympus. He needs to get out and spread his wings. He needs to meet new people. He needs to dry-hump unsuspecting mortal women in the back of a carriage. And he needs to do it now. So he begs his father, Zeus (Ernest Graves), to let him go down to Earth and interact with the puny humans. Zeus is not keen on the idea, but it turns out that he is not the hardass he is depicted as in all those stories we read in elementary school. Defying his father, Hercules heads out, landing in the ocean, where he is picked up by a fishing vessel and is tasked with tossing other crew members around. He gets to work immediately, but decides to leave the ship when it gets into port in New York.

He is not, however, in a hurry to find any shirts.

The captain of the ship (Rudy Bond) is not too happy with Hercules just wandering off the ship (who will toss the crew around now?!), so he sends some thugs to drag the demigod back. It goes about as well for them as you might expect. And as the fight is happening, a local who sells pretzels on the dock and calls himself "Pretzie" (although it is entirely possible that Pretzie is his given name, because New York is weird) spots Hercules and decides that he needs to befriend this lumbering buttsteak, possibly to work as muscle for him, allowing Pretzie to charge whatever he wants for his pretzels without fear of repercussion. We do not pretend to know Pretzie's motivations, but he is clearly a pretty shifty dude.

After briefly assaulting a forklift, Hercules joins Pretzie in a cab ride through Central park, where they happen to find the Olympic team practicing. Hercules decides that he needs to get in there and show these bozos how to throw a discus and a javelin, and after some brief interaction with the coach, he is allowed to try and, of course, blows them all away with his amazing strength. So much so, in fact, that Pretzie bets one of the athletes fifty bucks, which he doesn't have, that Hercules can do better than their best guys at everything, which he does, of course.

Sure, they look weird together, but the sex is amazing.

In the random crowd watching all of this, Professor Camden (James Karen) and his daughter Helen (Deborah Loomis) see what transpires, and Dr. Camden immediately invites Pretzie and Hercules to tea. For some reason--most likely because it is 1969--Pretzie assumes that, by "tea", Dr. Camden means "drugs, most likely LSD." Pretzie is a weird guy. After Dr. Camden explains that he did not, in fact, offer Pretzie and his beefy, now-shirtless friend hallucinogens, they agree and head back to Pretzie's place to get cleaned up, apparently taking a few minutes to buy an enormous suit and several huge sweaters for Hercules on the way.

When they arrive at Dr. Camden's home, they are greeted by Helen, and Hercules, being a big, dumb lunkhead, immediately offends her. And then Helen's boyfriend Rod (Harold Burstein) shows up, so Hercules asks them if they are lovers, and a sort of fight ensues. Well, not really a fight, as such. Rod, defending Helen's purity, takes a couple of swings at Hercules, who then picks up Rod over his head and shakes him like a British nanny. We learn later that this violent jostling cracked two of Rod's ribs, but only makes him love Hercules more. He's a complex fella.

"Oh no! It appears my shirt has disappeared again and my enormous
pectorals can been seen by everybody! I am so embarrassed!"

Helen, for her part, acts as though every single dumb word that comes spilling out of Hercules' giant head offends her to her core, but only until the next scene, where the carriage cry humping mentioned above takes place. It is not to be consummated, however, because a bear that appears to know how to pick locks breaks out of the Central Park Zoo and goes on a rampage stroll through the park, where he bumps into Hercules and Helen. Hercules jumps out of the carriage to wrestle with the bear, while Helen stays in the carriage and yells, "HIT HIM! BEAT HIM UP!"

Dr. Camden convinces Pretzie that Hercules should get into professional wrestling to pay for more enormous clothing, and Pretzie agrees. Hercules, always happy to toss people around, also agrees and quickly works his way up the ranks. As he gets more popular, some gangsters, led by Artie Lange replicant Maxie (Merwin Goldsmith), pressure Pretzie into signing Hercules' contract over to them. Pretzie does, and immediately falls into a spiral of alcoholism that will, no doubt, shorten his already fragile life significantly.

Back on Mount Olympus, an angry Zeus demands to know where Hercules is and why nobody will listen to him. He first sends Mercury (Dan Hamilton) down to try and talk Hercules into returning. When that fails, he decides to send Nemesis (Taina Elg) to get him back home, but she is stopped by Venus (Erica Fitz), who instead instructs Nemesis to just take Herc's godly powers away from him. Again, defying the Father of the Gods without a second thought, Nemesis goes down to Earth and slips Hercules a roofie while he's out on a date with helen (who, you will recall, is supposed to hate him).

"Somebody bring me my re bar lightning bolts!"

The next day(?), Hercules must meet with another wrestler, Monstro (Tony "Mr. World" Carroll), in a contest. Not a wrestling contest, mind you...It's a weightlifting contest. So both men don their tiniest shorts and lift heavy things until Hercules, now without his super strength, fails to lift one thousand pounds. It is a sad day for Hercules, who throws down his fuzzy robe and stamps his tiny feet with incoherent rage. The gangsters who own his contract now are also angry because they lost a bunch of money on this contest, and a chase ensues. But will Hercules and his friends get away? Will at least one chariot be involved? Will Hercules return home? Or will he stay with Pretzie and blast Helen whenever he can? And what happened to Rod? Also, will Juno (Tanny McDonald) make some sort of sketchy deal with Pluto (Michael Lipton) that will result in Hercules spending a century in Hell?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake believes there is nothing redeeming about this movie. He is not wrong. It is garbage. The only way to enjoy it is with friends, so you can make fun of it. And if you do, get the version with Arnold's voice undubbed. Make soft pretzels. Every time he mispronounces his own name, eat a pretzel. It's fun!

Derek also finds nothing of use in this movie. Both were confused by Pretzie's lack of pretzels after his opening scene, and it is never addressed in the rest of the movie. Instead, he becomes as wrestling manager and drinks himself into oblivion. A fitting end, really.

So grease up your pecs, put on some really tiny shorts, and tune in to this week's episode!