Holiday Moviepalooza: Gremlins

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(A Note from Derek: Jake couldn't make it to the recording last week, so I invited a couple of friends to pick a holiday movie and watch it with me. They chose Gremlins, which is basically It's a Wonderful Life, but with murder monsters. So...Enjoy this very special episode of Here Be Spoilers: Holiday Moviepalooza featuring myself and my special guests, Brooke Cooper and Mike Kelly, who, by the way, recently got married! Congratulations, you guys! -- Derek)

It's Holiday Moviepalooza time, you guys! And you know what that means: It's time to eat too much, argue over whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie, and make questionable gift purchases at the last minute because you forgot somebody on your list! It is also time to watch some goddamn holiday movie, and that's just what happened in El Casa de Derek, where he was joined by two friends he had not seen in quite a while! And the three of them sat down to watch 1984's Gremlins.

Gremlins stars Zack Galligan, Phoebe Cates, Hoyt Axton, Polly Holliday, Corey Feldman, Judge Reinhold, Francis Lee McCain, Jackie Joseph, Glynn Turman and the always awesome Here Be Spoilers favorite Dick Miller.

Hoyt Axton is Rand Peltzer, an inventor who is wandering around Chinatown (possibly in New York), looking for just the right Christmas gift for his son, Billy (Galligan), a grown adult who lives in his parents' attic, hanging out with a young boy named Pete (Feldman) and dreaming of being a comic book artist.

The real monsters in this movie.

A different young boy (John Louie) leads Rand into a dark corridor below the street and, much to the surprise of anyone who has ever run across small children trying to do this in real life, does not mug him and take his wallet. Instead, the boy leads Rand to a curio shop run by the boy's grandfather (Keye Luke). But rather than buy anything, Rand starts pitching one of his semi-functional inventions, the Bathroom Buddy. The old man is not impressed, and Rand is distracted by a noise he hears, which he seeks out, only to find a small cage with...something in it. Having determined that this creature is exactly what he was looking for, despite having never seen one before, Rand offers the old man hundreds of dollars, only to be refused. Disheartened, Rand leaves the shop, only to be chased down by the kid, who tells him the old man is crazy, and if he wants the creature, the boy will sell it to him in a back alley, once again suggesting that it was all an elaborate setup for the kid to kill Rand with a shiv and steal whatever valuable he has on him. When the transaction is made, the kid tells Rand the rules of taking care of the creature: Keep it out of bright light, which can hurt it, and sunlight, which can kill it; do not get it wet; and never feed it after midnight. That third rule can cause all kinds of problems even in the safest environment (what about time zones?), but it is never addressed.

Meanwhile, back in the tiny town of Kingston Falls, Billy is trying to start his car so he can go to work. It won't go, so he and his dog walk to work at the local bank. Billy sneaks his dog in and ties him under the teller window he works at. Kate (Cates), Billy's cute-as-a-button coworker who dresses like an extra from Little House on the Prairie, straightens Billy's tie and makes sure he is ready for the day to start, which quickly involves a visit from Mrs. Deagle (Holliday), who wants to put Billy's dog down because she believe's it knocked over her imported Italian snowman and broke it. The dog, defending its good name, attacks Mrs. Deagle and causes what can only be described as "a kerfuffle."

Awwwww...*Swoon!*

Later that night, Rand comes home and gives Billy his gift, which is a Mogwai--sort of a fuzzy Yoda, but younger. Almost immediately after being told the rules, Billy and his family start breaking them, beginning with hurting the Mogwai, now named Gizmo, with a camera flash. The next day, Pete (Feldman) comes by to deliver the Peltzers' Christmas tree and, nearly instantly upon seeing Gizmo, spills water on it, causing five new Mogwai to pop out of its back and grow. But these ones are different. They're mean, and the especially do not care for Gizmo.

The next day, Billy takes one of the new Mogwai to Mr. Hansen (Turman), his old biology teacher, to figure out what these Mogwai are all about. After demonstrating the reproduction by water, Billy leaves the newesst one with Hansen and goes home to be assaulted by his father's inventions. That night, Billy is awakened by the five new Mogwai making noise because they are hungry. After briefly consulting his alarm clock to see that it's not midnight yet, he gives them some cold chicken, which is disgusting to watch them eat. Gizmo, who seems to know better than everyone else in this family, refuses to eat. The next morning, Billy wakes up to find five really gooey pods stuck to his floor. Back at the school, the same thing happens when Mr. Hansen leaves a sandwich too close to the Mowai's cage.

Gah! Kill it with fire!

That afternoon, the pods open up and reveal the transformed Mogwai, which are now green, leathery and  total asshats. They attack Gizmo and throw him down a laundry chute, and then go looking for Billy's mom (McCain). Fortunately, Mrs. Peltzer is as much of a badass as her son isn't, and she quickly dispatches three is the grossest fashion possible. One more attacks her from a hiding space in the Christmas tree, but Billy arrives home just in time to cut its head off with a decorative sword. But before they can catch the last one, which is called Stripe because it retained a shock of white fur when it changed, it jumps out the window and takes off into the city with Billy in pursuit.

Billy tracks Stripe to the local YMCA, where it jumps into the big swimming pool, almost assuredly bringing about the destruction of this tiny, quiet town of Kingston Falls by popping out hundreds of new gremlins. Billy, quite wisely, decides he needs to get the hell out of there and regroup.

You people just don't appreciate these two enough, ya know that?

Across town, Mr. and Mrs. Futterman (Miller and Jones) are attacked by some gremlins that have hijacked Mr. Futterman's tractor, driving it through their house and almost killing them. Everywhere else, things are starting to go haywire. Mrs. Deagle is thrown out a window by her stair chair. A traffic light turns green from all for directions, causing a crash. A mailbox attacks a poor guy just trying to mail out some last minute Christmas cards. And in the local tavern, Dorry's, where Kate volunteers to help the owner save money, a bunch of gremlins have arrived to drink, play cards, and re-enact cheesy scenes from movies and cartoon. For her part, Kate is keeping it together pretty well, considering. She's serving drinks and snacks, but when she is trying to like one of the monsters' cigarette, she notices it shies away from the open flame. Assuming it's the brightness of the flame, she grabs a Polaroid camera from behind the bar and starts firing off pictures, causing the gremlins to scatter as it flashes. Just as the camera craps out on her, Billy arrives in his car to save the day, having stopped home to scoop up Gizmo before seeing if his car will start, headlights blazing, scaring the gremlins out of the bar. Unfortunately, just as they get back in the car, it stalls, and they have to take off running.

The gremlins, however, continue to need to be entertained, so they go to the local theater and watch Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. When Kate and Billy realize where the gremlins are, they sneak in and open a gas pipe, set a rag on fire, and run like hell just as the theater explodes, frying all the gremlins. Except for Stripe, who had left the building to find more snacks...

Awwwwwww...

Where is he going? Will there be some sort of final showdown between Billy and Stripe, possibly involving forestry equipment? or will Billy have to have his bacon saved by a small, adorable wad of fluff in a Barbie Dream Car? And where is Rand in all this? He couldn't have possibly dropped a potentially town-destroying monster on his family and then ducked out, could he?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Brooke liked the movie and really didn't have anything bad to say about it. She thought Gizmo looked like a Furby, which led to an entire ordeal of trying to find one on eBay, but that didn't make it into the recording. She believes Billy's mom is the real hero in this movie, because she took out those gremlins like a badass.

Mike also liked the movie a lot, despite problems understanding the rating system used on the show. He, too, believes Mrs. Peltzer is a badass, but also adds that Mrs. Deagle is pretty solid, as well, because she is the richest woman in town. He also suggests that this whole movie is basically a remake of It's a Wonderful Life, but with monsters.

Derek liked it, too, but he has a real problem with the gooey substances throughout the movie. If it isn't a gross, sticky close-up of a Mogwai eating, it's one of Rand's inventions spewing out some horrific, viscous goop. It's really quite upsetting. He would like to add that Kate is another movie badass because she keeps it together while dealing with the gremlins at the bar.

So stare into the sun, drench yourself in water, eat a bunch of late night snacks and tune in to this week's episode!