Mortal Kombat

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This episode is a commentary, so you're going to need a copy of Mortal Kombat to watch while you listen, if that's your bag. If not...well, have fun!

There was a time, not too long ago, when the prospect of a video game movie was exciting and new. Of course, that was back when games like Street Fighter and Super Mario Bros. were cutting edge 8-bit technology, so expectations were not too high. This is what allowed the viewing public to believe that it was a good idea to cast a British guy (Bob Hoskins) and a Latino guy (John Leguizamo) as a couple of Italian New Yorkers.

But then, over the horizon, came a new game that changed the...uh...game. Instead of pixelated cartoon guys kicking turtles around and trying to save princesses from angry apes, the Midway company used photorealistic images of fighters and threw in buckets of blood to create a game called Mortal Kombat. Naturally, parents went apeshit and demanded that the blood be removed, causing kids to like it even more. It was only a matter of time before someone took the game and turned it into a money-making machine of a movie.

Unfortunately, the budget wasn't as big as the box office.

Part of the problem with taking Mortal Kombat and turning it into a movie is that there really isn't much of a story. Basically, there's a big tournament that takes place every thousand years, and the "best" fighters are invited to come test their talent. The whole thing is run by a guy named Shang Tsung (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa), with the added bonus that he gets to take their souls, which keeps him young and gives his lair its lustrous sheen.

Among the people he has chosen are: Liu Kang (Robin Shou), a Chinese martial artist whose brother was killed by Shang Tsung for reasons that are never really made clear; and Johnny Cage (Linden Ashby), an action movie star facing rumors that he fakes all of his fights and stunts. Additionally, a government agent, Sonya Blade (Bridgette Wilson-Sampras), ends up in the group because she is in pursuit of a criminal named Kano (Trevor Goddard), who was hired by Shang Tsung to draw her into the tournament. Fortunately, these three have a little help on their side, as well, in the form of Lord Raiden (Christopher Lambert, for some reason), the God of Lightning. He's there to ensure that the tournament goes fairly.

Unfortunately, this Asian God is the freakin' Highlander. WHY, GOD? WHY?

Over on Shang Tsung's side of things, he has a bunch of nameless leftover goons from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Foot Clan, as well as a couple of specialized ninjas with super powers that they only use when it is the least necessary. One of them, Sub-Zero (François Petit), has the ability to freeze people and create weapons from ice. Fortunately, it turns out that he can be taken out with a little bit of water in a bucket. Not especially helpful, really. The other, Scorpion (Chris Casamassa), can spontaneously generate a spear connected to a cable from the palm of his hand. He's kind of a murdery, sentient claw machine. Unfortunately, his cable length is just that much too short, and he is unable to murder Johnny Cage with it.

But the can both serve the heck out of you in a dance-off.

There's also a lizardy kind of ninja named Reptile (Keith Cooke), but he was a last-minute add, and he isn't very effective.

Fortunately, Shang Tsung has a back-up plan: A big guy called Goro (Kevin Michael Richardson and Tom Woodruff, Jr.), who has enough arms to beat everyone all at once! He's also a high-five champion, but they don't cover that aspect of his life in this movie. Maybe they did in the sequel.

Put it there...and there...and there...and there...

Goro's job is to kill off the final Kombatant (ugh...we feel so stupid spelling it like that...) so Shang Tsung can take over the mortal world or some such ridiculous thing. To be honest, this is way more information than is actually needed in order for the viewer to enjoy the best part of the whole thing, which is watching people kick other people (or creatures) in the head. Unfortunately, there's a lot less of that than there is unnecessary exposition.

Oh, there are fights--Liu Kang fights Sub-Zero (kills him with a bucket of water) and Scorpion (Bicycle Kick to death), Johnny Cage fights Scorpion (can't remember how he beat him) and Goro (dick punch splits), and Sonya Blade fights Kano, who seems to enjoy having his head locked between her thighs a bit too much for a guy who is losing.

He seems like the sort of guy who would actually tell her that, too.

But the fights are few and far between and, really, not that great. And after all of that, Liu Kang has to fight Shang Tsung because Tsung has kidnapped Sonya and dressed her up like an extra in a Whitesnake video. Will Liu win? Wll all the souls Shang Tsung took in get returned to their rightful owners? Will anyone hold Johnny Cage responsible for what was clearly an illegal move in the Goro fight? Will Sonya get Kano to stop making gross comments and asking her to put him in a leglock again? You'll have to listen to the guys' commentary to find out!

Jake realizes that this is not a good movie, but he still loves watching it. As bad as it is, it's still good fun, although nobody can convince him that Christopher Lambert being cast as Lord Raiden was a good and not-racist idea. The others are right there with him on that one.

Larry seemed hurt by the mean things the other guys said about the movie, but is willing to admit that it is not the best film out there. He is, however, impressed with Goro, which was a practical effect, rather than a CG creation. He's right. It looks good.

Derek pretty much agrees with both of the guys' assessments, but his biggest joy was hearing Jake come up with his variations of the game Mortal Kombat, which included Mullet Kombat and Marital Kombat. Derek's contribution was Mortal Wombat. Cut him some slack.

So get on the boat, head to Outworld, and listen to the latest episode!