Twin Dragons

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Oh, Jackie Chan...Is there nothing you cannot do? You do your own stunts, you beat people up with stunning moves, and your comedic timing is, to say the least, impeccable. So it seemed like a no-brainer that you could pull off playing your own twin, right?

Wellllll...

This week the guys sat down to watch Twin Dragons, an action comedy starring Jackie as Boomer and John Ma, brothers separated at birth when a gangster (Kirk Wong) escapes from a hospital by taking a newborn baby from a couple (James Wong and Sylvia Chang) and jumping out a window. When the gangster lands on a car, he drops the baby, who lands in a conveniently-placed wheelchair and rolls away until he is found by a drunk woman (Mabel Cheung), who takes him in and raises him (sort of).

Heartbroken, the parents fly home to mainland China with their remaining child, John, where he becomes a musical prodigy and conductor, while the other one becomes a street fighting vagrant child named Boomer and, eventually, a mechanic and street racer. Oh, and kind of a criminal.

But, you know, the kind with a heart of gold that the ladies love.

Boomer spends most of his time defending and cleaning up messes created by his best friend, a weird little orangutan-looking guy named Tyson (Teddy Robin). When we meet Tyson, he has convinced Boomer to come with him to rescue his girl, Barbara (or, as Derek likes to call her, "Babawah," played by Maggie Cheung), from a gangster bar. They go inside and immediately get into a fight, only for Boomer to discover that Barbara has no idea who Tyson is, and the whole thing ends up with Tyson and Boomer being tied up and about to get their legs broken, but they are saved when Boomer challenges the head gangster, Boss Yung (Alfred Cheung), to a road race for $300,000.

Of course, they lose and have to take a stolen boat to the mainland to avoid the whole "getting-their-legs-broken" thing. However, Boss Yung sends some of his thugs to meet them there, and a wild boat chase ensues, ending up with both Tyson and Boss Yung (who shows up after the excitement) in the hospital.

Tyson: The Missing Link between Man and Ape.

But wait! John Ma is in Hong Kong to give a series of concerts, and he just happens to be staying at the hotel where Boomer and Tyson know a guy  who gets them customers' cars to race. And some creepy guy who is listed on IMDb as "Uncle Tang" (Yuen Chor) is there with his daughter Tammy (Nina Li Chi). Tammy, it seems, has been convinced by her father to act as John's nurse while he is in Hong Kong, and he seems like he's a little too into the idea of Tammy and John smashing their naughty bits against each other. John doesn't seem to be into it, but it turns out that, along with his musical talents, he's also an expert chiropractor and relaxes Tammy so well that she falls asleep. (Or maybe he's a terrible chiropractor and roughed her up until she was unconscious. YOU MAKE THE CALL!)

When Boomer returns to the hotel to meet up with Barbara at the cafe inside so he can convince her to go visit Tyson in hospital, things start getting crazy when John and Tammy sit in the booth behind them. Hotel managers, waters, and anyone else they run across are straight-up shocked at the possibility that one person can look like another person! That's insane!

Everybody has one of these two expressions the whole time.

The first big kerfuffle (a word that is not used nearly enough, in our opinions), Tammy's boyfriend, Rocky (Jamie Luk) confuses Boomer with John because Tammy has attached herself to John, remora-like, and attacks Boomer.

Boomer doesn't want to fight, especially since he doesn't know Rocky or Tammy, but Rocky tries gamely anyway, scrunching his eyes closed and swinging wildly. Boomer nonviolently defends himself by moving slightly out of the way. He also gets a little help from the manager, who makes it a point to take away any potential weapons moments before Rocky can grab them. It's really ridiculous, but entertaining.

He also meets up with Barbara and John, and it goes about as well.

The fight is finally ended when the manager, fed-up with Rocky's shenanigans, punches him and knocks him down a flight of stairs, after which we have little doubt Rocky suffered massive head trauma and was sent to an assisted living complex to live out his last few days, as he is never seen in this movie again.

Meanwhile, Tammy takes Boomer back to John's hotel room, unaware that he is not who she thinks he is, and asks him to "do what you did for me yesterday." Boomer, completely unaware of what was done yesterday, improvises and plows her like a cornfield. No doubt, Tammy's father will be doubly disappointed to find out that not only did his daughter get poked by the wrong guy, but also because he wasn't there to watch. Seriously, he's way too into it.

He probably would have relished walking in on this little mix-up, as well.

More confusion ensues as John takes a liking to Barbara, who is convinced that he is actually Boomer, despite taking her to a concert hall (in a limousine!) and playing Beethoven on a grand piano for her on the stage. The whole time, she acts as though this is an elaborate prank Boomer is running just to get at her good stuff, which she is willing to give up without this display.

Finally, something happens, and Boomer is contacted by Boss Yung's people, who tell him that if he wants to save Tyson, who is still in the gangster-controlled hospital, he is going to have to help them with breaking their big boss (it's the gangster that originally kidnapped Boomer, if you can believe that) out of jail during a prison transfer. Unfortunately, when they come to pick him up, they get John instead, and he has to do the driving. There are some crashes, and people get hurt, but the boss gets out, and John gets the hell out of there as soon as he gets a chance.

At the same time, Boomer is being dragged to the concert hall by an enamored Tammy, where she expects him to conduct a symphony. He is unable to get out of it, so he goes onstage and flails around like a spazzy cartoon character. The whole thing is being broadcast on the radio, so John hears all of it as he races to the hall himself, where, after the concert, he meets up with Boomer, and the two of them reveal to Tammy and Barbara that they are, in fact, two different people, neither of whom is the one the two women thought they were with.

But now they have to rescue Tyson. But will they?  Will they utilize the fact that they are twins to confuse the gangsters enough to rescue Boomer's little primate pal? Will John get the ever-loving piss beaten out of him because he can't fight? Will Barbara and Tammy keep the guy they each were with? Or will they trade to see if it's a better deal? Will anybody figure out that Boomer and John are brothers? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry likes the movie, despite its goofiness. Or maybe because of it. Either way, he was into it. He is not, however, into the poor blending when Boomer and John are in the same shot together. It looks really bad. Still, it's a fun movie.

Derek is deeply disturbed by Tyson, who, as noted above, looks like a hairless orangutan. And he's also the real villain of the movie. Not because of the acting; it's because the character is a self-centered asshole who does nothing but cause problems.

Jake also liked it, but he has serious questions about Boom and John's real parents' child rearing abilities. Especially the father, who, when one of his sons is taken, passes out and then refuses to believe that the guy who looks exactly like his other son is also his son. Poor dope.

So tug on your belt, snort loudly, and listen to this week's episode!