Van Helsing

To listen/download, click here!

Once again, what should have been a pretty simple movie viewing has ended with intense outrage over an unnecessarily convoluted plot and a failed attempt at creating a franchise. But that's why they do this!

This episode, Derek and Jake sat down to watch 2004's Van Helsing, starring an amazingly talented cast of Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing, as well as Kate Beckinsale, David Wenham, Richard Roxburgh, Kevin J. O'Connor, Shuler Hernsley, Josie Moran, Silvia Colloca, and Elena Anaya, among others.

Before we ever see Van Helsing himself (Jackman), we first get a brief rundown of Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Samuel West) bringing his creation (Hensley) to life, much like the original story (and the Universal movie), with the added detail that Dr. Frankenstein is doing all this for a guy named Dracula (Roxburgh). No, not that one; a "relative" of that one, who will henceforth be referred to as "Jeffy" in this post, for convenience. It seems Jeffy needs Frankenstein's secrets in order to create his own "children." Unfortunately, before Jeffy can get the information he needs, the Monster comes alive, and the local villagers arrive to kill it, chasing it front he castle to a windmill nearby. We all know how that ends.

Jeffy, now thwarted, goes home to pout.

Jeffy too late realizes that he could have had a V-8.

Over in Paris, we finally get to see what this Van Helsing fella (no, not that one, either...It's complicated...) is up to. It turns out he is hunting for Mr. Hyde, who has murdered a few folks, which always tends to upset people. After a quick fight, Van Helsing dispatches Mr. Hyde, who reverts to Dr. Jekyll (Robbie Coltrane), causing the police to believe that Van Helsing murdered a regular doctor, rather than a mad scientist with anger issues.

After taking care of Jekyll, Van Helsing returns to the Vatican for his next assignment, because he is apparently part of some cryptological hit squad that eliminates whatever creatures the Catholic Church deems evil. He is told he must go to Transylvania and protect the remaining members of a Romanian bloodline who are themselves tasked with killing Jeffy. They also give him his own personal monk, Carl (Wenham), to act as an assistant and weapon developer. They make their way to Transylvania.

Meanwhile, in Transylvania, Anna Valarious (Beckinsale) and her brother Velkan (Will Kemp) are trying to kill a werewolf, because of course they are. They and their team set up a trap, using Velkan as bait, and kill it, but not before it manages to bite Velkan, dooming him to a life of unruly body hair and shredded pants.

Ruh-roh!

Returning to her village, Anna meets Van Helsing and is not impressed at all, nor is the rest of the village. They don't care for strangers, and they intend to make sure that Van Helsing and Carl are not around long. Their efforts, however, are cut short when Jeffy and his brides (Moran, Colloca, and Anaya) come to town, looking for some food. Anna and Van Helsing, who is now equipped with a nifty repeating crossbow, fend off the attack, but not before Anna is tossed around like a ragdoll over and over again. After Van Helsing takes out one of the brides, Jeffy and his remaining minions retreat, and Van Helsing is hailed as a hero.

We're just kidding. It turns out that the villagers were okay with Jeffy and Co. stopping by once a month for a snack because it kept them from killing everyone. Now that Van Helsing has killed one of the vampires, all bets are off, and the villagers are pissed. Thinking quickly, Van Helsing knocks out Anna and takes her back to her mansion.

Not great with people.

When Anna awakens that night, she discovers Velkan at the house, and he warns her that Jeffy is up to something. However, before he can tell her what it is, the moon comes out, and he turns into a werewolf and tries to eat her. She and Van Helsing scare him off and track him to Frankenstein's castle, where they discover Jeffy's secret: He is trying to animate his dead-born children, which are house in what appear to be giant ballsacks hanging in one of the hallways.

Jeffy plugs Velkan into his machinery and attempts to use the werewolf's life force to bring the "children" to life. It sort of works, in that they hatch from the ballsacks, but it doesn't take long for them to explode in a spray of snot, rendering Jeffy's plans useless. Van Helsing confronts him, and a fight ensues, but Van Helsing and Anna manage to escape using the time-tested method of falling through a hole in the floor.

The hole, it seems, leads to a cave, where they happen to find Frankenstein's Monster hanging out under the remains of the burned windmill he was last seen at. The Monster wants Van Helsing to kill him because he knows he is integral to Jeffy's plan, but Van Helsing refuses because he believes the Monster is not evil. (It's kind of a rule Van Helsing has to follow.) Velkan overhears this and reports on it to Jeffy, who decides that what he needs to do now is get that Monster and use him as a battery. He dispatches Igor (O'Connor) to fetch the Monster.

The Monster picked the wrong day to ascend El Capitan.

Van Helsing loads the Monster and Carl into a carriage, and the group is off and running. Naturally, Jeffy's brides find Van Helsing's carriage and attack, hoping to get the Monster away from him. They manage to knock him off of it just before it goes over a cliff, and one of the brides follows it down, only to find it filled with wooden stakes and exactly no Monsters. When it hits the ground, it explodes, seriously inconveniencing the bride.

Back on top of the cliff, Van Helsing runs into the woods and finds the other carriage--the one that actually has the Monster in it and is being driven by Anna--so he can continue the ride back to Anna's mansion. However, the werewolf attacks that carriage, causing Van Helsing to suffer a nasty bite and almost have his family jewels shorn off by a carriage wheel, and then they take Anna hostage, flying away with her. The werewolf, though, is handily taken out of the picture.

When they return to the village, Igor finds them and tells them he will trade Anna for the Monster. Van Helsing agrees, and the Monster is none-too-happy about it. Not to worry, though, because Van Helsing has a plan. It's a weird plan, and very unlikely to work, but it's still better than no plan. He and Carl are going to infiltrate Castle Jeffy during some sort of party he is having, kill Jeffy and the other vampires there, and rescue Anna. Unfortunately, while they were doing that, Igor and his pals were kidnapping the Monster from the place where they stashed him, thereby giving Jeffy everything he needs to bring his snot goblins to life.

Kate Beckinsale and David Wenham star in Ye Olde Breaking Bad!

Determined to save the Monster, they find a secret entrance from Anna's mansion to Castle Jeffy in a mirror Carl discovered. They try to rescue the Monster, but it doesn't work. It does, however, tell Van Helsing that Jeffy has a cure for werewolf bites, which is convenient. Van Helsing goes to confront Jeffy while Anna and Carl go looking for the lycanthropy antidote. But will they get there in time? Will Van Helsing stop Jeffy from creating a gross and kind of sticky army of tiny minions? Will the Monster ever stop running? Will this fucking movie ever end?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake is annoyed by the overloaded plot, believing that a good seventy percent of it was completely unnecessary. And he is absolutely right. He is also angry about the terrible werewolves. And the line of action figures the movie spawned. And a lot of other stuff, all justified.

Derek is also angry about the plot. It was just so overloaded with stupid things and went out of its way to "rewrite" vampire and werewolf folklore. He is also angry about the overly broad acting in the movie. And the dumb special effects. He did, however, like Van Helsing's crossbow and Kate Beckinsale's...uh...everything.

So sharpen your wooden stakes, get some holy water, and check out this week's episode!