Re-View: The Blob

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Jake couldn't make it to the recording this time around because of work stuff, but that's okay because the guys were re-watching 1958's The Blob for Larry's benefit. Whether he actually did benefit from it is up for debate, as he did not seem especially impressed with the story of Steve (played by a young Steven McQueen) and his deep, abiding love for a murderous lump of phlegm from outer space. Joining Steve in this whirlwind romance are Aneta Corseaut as Jane, Earl Rowe as Lt. Dave, Stephen Chase as Dr. Hallen, John Benson as Sgt. Jim (a bitter veteran and police officer), and a whole bunch of has-beens and never-wases! (You can hear the original podcast here!)

When a meteor falls to Earth, a weird old man who lives in the woods (Olin Howlin) abandons his small dog to go poke the meteor with a stick. It seems the meteor is just a hard candy shell for the flesh-eating nougat within, much like a Cadbury Creme Egg, which also wants to kill you, but with diabetes. Young Steve and his girlfriend Jane see the meteor go down and head out to find it. Instead, they find the end result--the weird old man with his arm encased in murder snot. They put him in Steve's car and take him to Dr. Hallen, who looks at the goo and frowns a lot.

Gross.

Steve and Jane, meanwhile, meet up with Steve's hoodlum friends to race cars backwards, only to get busted by Officer Dave, the sensible cop. Dave lets them off with a warning after Steve jabbers incoherently at him for a little bit. Realizing they are unstoppable, Steve and the gang decide to investigate the old man's cabin by breaking in and stealing his dog, and checking out the site where the meteor landed.

Must...not...laugh...

At the same time, Dr. Hallen discovers that the goo monster has completely consumed the old man, so he calls for a nurse, just in case the goo is still hungry. She arrives and freaks out, so Dr. Hallen throws some stuff at the goo and tries to shoot it, which is about as effective as trying to pick up a sleeping cat. The goop attacks Dr. Hallen, just in time for Steve and Jane to arrive to check on the old man, and Steve sees Dr. Hallen being eaten. When Jane comes to look, the dog--clearly the smartest member of the cast--runs away.

But I hate cranberry sauce!

Steve and Jane decide to go to the police. (About Dr. Hallen being eaten; the dog will have to wait.) They are met by Sgt. Jim, who hates all teenagers because he thinks they all resent his war record. He isn't impressed by their story of murder snot, but Officer Dave steps in and offers to go take a look at Dr. Hallen's house, much to Sgt. Jim's disappointment. What they find is a mostly undisturbed and unoccupied house. They do find Dr. Hallen's rifle, which has recently been fired, but that's not enough to impress them, so they blow off the whole thing after speaking to Dr. Hallen's maid, who tells them that he is out of town all weekend for a conference.

Steve and Jane go on their way and accidentally find the dog cowering at the local grocery store. As they get it, they realize they store is still unlocked, despite being well past closing time. So, in the way of teenagers everywhere in movies (even 30-year-old teenagers like these), they go inside to see what's up. They find nobody inside, but after knocking over a bunch of stuff (causing Jane to drop the dog, which runs away again), they notice the hate-phlegm oozing toward them and run into the meat locker, only to discover that it won't follow them in there.

You're gonna wanna go up your ass and to the left to get away.

After what they deem a safe amount of time, they leave the cooler and go find their friends, all of whom are at the movies, and ask them to help get the rest of the town's attention so they can warn everyone about the booger creature. Always up for causing some mayhem, their buddies agree and leave, just in time to avoid being attacked by the evil loogie, unlike everyone else in the theater.

The cops show up and check out the grocery store, but Sgt. Jim doesn't find anything and threatens to arrest everybody. Before he can, however, the crowd from the theater comes running out and into the streets because the goop is chasing them. In the confusion, Jane's little brother, who should have been in bed a long time ago, appears out of nowhere and tries to shoot the monster with his cap gun. When that doesn't work, the little bastard runs into a nearby diner to observe the carnage to come. Steve and Jane follow him in there, just in time for the diner to be covered by the angry gelatin monster.

Murder craisin! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Will they survive? Or will they be consumed slowly, in what could possibly be the grossest way possible? And what about the cops? Will they finally realize Steve and the gang weren't lying? Will Sgt. Jim come to understand that his perception of the kids' disrespect for him is nothing more than the manifestation of his own insecurities? Or will he finally snap and go on a killing spree, the likes of which the small town has never seen before or since? Also, where the heck is the dog? And is he an accomplice to the murder goo?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry did not care for this movie because all the teenagers looked the same age as the adults. Also, he was worried about the little doggie. His biggest problem, however, was that he felt there was "too much story." That's one he'll have to explain himself.

Derek liked it the first time, and he still does. He has learned to appreciate the natural feel of the dialogue, and he also spent most of the movie hoping Sgt. Jim would snap and possibly pistol-whip Steve and his friends. He, too, is worried about the little doggie, but suspects it was up to something nefarious.

So stock up on Kleenex and Mucinex, fire up that Neti Pot, and listen this week's episode!

Re-View: Invasion U.S.A. (1952)

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Dateline, 1952! The Red Scare takes hold of the country! McCarthyism is on the rise, as Senator Joseph McCarthy prepares to begin his witch-hunt for supposed Communist sympathizers working withing the government, and then beyond!

In Hollywood, many are black-balled from working due to their ties to Communism! But not the folks in this little number, which features Gerald Mohr, Peggie Castle, Tom Kennedy, Dan O'Herlihy, Robert Bice, Erik Blythe, and not one, but two Lois Lanes! (Noel Neill and Phyllis Coates!)

And almost all of them drink their lunch away, because it's the goddamn fifties!

Yeah, the guys sat down to re-watch Invasion U.S.A., a propaganda film from 1952 that asks the question, what if some vaguely East European Communist country invaded the United States? And if this movie is any indicator, it involves lots of booze, breakfasts of coffee and cigarettes, and tiny generals who look like Kevin Pollock. You can read about and listen to the guys' original podcast here. (Jake wasn't there for it.)

And so, rather than go over the entire story again--basically, these booze hounds watch the invasion on the bar TV, and then, one-by-one, are picked off by Commie soldiers dressed in U.S. military outfits--they're going to discuss some of the more disturbing things they saw.

Such as Tim the bartender's weird, lumpy head.

First off, one of the things the guys noticed was the abundance of World War II stock footage of dogfights and planes crashing into the ocean and various ships. While that adds a solid amount of realism to the look of the film, it is also very clear that a lot of people died unaware that their deaths would be used as a political entertainment. It's almost as disturbing as the cow that was blatantly murdered onscreen in Atomic War Bride. But at least these guys were fighting for their countries.

In between stock shots, actors dressed as soldiers shot each other in the junk.

Then there's Vince and Carla's brief but fiery romance. As best as the guys can tell, Vince met Carla at the bar around lunchtime on a weekday. Not long after, the first enemy planes are spotted over Alaska. When the bar clears out almost completely so each of the patrons can go home to their families or, in the case of George, the guy who brought Carla there in the first place, to his factory, Vince and Carla stick around and let romance bloom. (Although the moment was almost ruined when a paperboy showed up. Best walk-on ever. Watch the movie embedded below, or just start it at about 28:07; it lasts about twenty seconds, but is so worth it.)

Sometime later that day(?), Carla has become a Red Cross nurse, and Vince has spent the intervening time trying to enlist, although he keeps getting refused. It appears to be minutes later when they are smoking their breakfast (or possibly just a late afternoon post-coital protein refill) and discussing what they intend to do for the rest of their lives, which, at this pace, will be about fifteen to twenty more minutes. And not long after that, Vince is reading the news on the radio as the studio is taken over by the vaguely East European Communists. In a few short seconds, he is whisked back to Carla's place by a pair of alcoholic enemy soldiers. When one of them makes a play for Carla, Vince intervenes, only to be shot. Carla, taking the initiative, jumps out the window, ending her life. All in what appears to be less than twenty-four hours. And you think your schedule is hectic!

All dead, in hilariously dramatic fashion.

And what about the others? George and Ed (the "cattle racer"?) hire a cab when Lois Lane won't sell them airline tickets, and drive first to George's factory, where he is quickly dispatched by the tiny window cleaner guy who also happens to be a general in the Communist army. Ed and the cabbie then drive from New York to Arizona, where Ed lives with his family, in roughly twenty-five minutes. Unfortunately, as fast as that cab is, it isn't fast enough to outrun the flood caused by bombing the Hoover Dam, killing Ed, his family, and the cabdriver.

All because some creepy German-sounding hypnotist thought it would be a hoot to show these souses what it would be like if the country were invaded by the Commies. The only one who was pretty much left unaffected, at least until a building fell on him, was Tim the bartender. He was content to keep pouring drinks and yelling at the TV. Just like Derek's grandmother used to.

She used to have the same expression as Mr. Ohman, too.

But what about the others? Senator whatsisface? The loud guy who laughed too hard at himself? His embarrassed friends? You don't have to tune in to find out; they all died, as well. But if you want to, you can listen.

Jake was pleasantly surprised, and not just because there was no Chuck Norris beating people up in this one. He actually quite enjoyed it, comparing it to Rod Serling's work. Not too shabby!

Derek still digs it. As before, he cannot figure out why this made it to Mystery Science Theater 3000, because it's really not a bad movie, if you can get behind the sort of goofy premise.

Larry also still enjoyed it. He can't wrap his head around the cab driver and the tiny general looking like the same guy (it's not; we checked), but he wouldn't let that get in the way of enjoying it again.

Want to watch the movie? Here ya go!

So have a drink, have another...You know what? Just leave the bottle. And check out this week's episode!

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (Director's Cut)

To listen/download, click here!

Once again, the guys were short a person (Jake was on vacation, camping with his family), so it was left to Derek and Larry to slog their way through this week's movie, Star Trek: The Motion Picture, starring William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, George Takei, Walter Koenig, Nichelle Nichols, Majel Barrett, Persis Khambatta, Stephen Collins, Grace Lee Whitney, and Mark Lenard.

Hot on the heels of the record-shattering box office of Star Wars, the folks at Paramount were looking for their own science fiction epic to rake in some of those sweet, sweet nerd dollars. And after trying and failing to bring their old franchise back to the small screen, it was decided to put it on the big screen. Budgets were made, then slashed. The old cast was re-hired, although Leonard Nimoy was not too keen on donning the pointy ears of years past, some new characters were added, and detailed models were built. Finally, filming began...

And, although it was almost painfully long, it still managed to bring in a pretty solid chunk of change. It wasn't Star Wars money, but it was clear that the army of the original television show were excited to see the further adventures of the Enterprise crew.

This adventure begins with a cloud. A big cloud. like, really big. And some Klingons. But not the Klingons of yesteryear; no, these Klingons had a whole new look, with ridges on their foreheads and severely receding hairlines, giving them the appearance of an irritated grandpa who doesn't understand that rock-and-roll music the kids seem to like these days.

True to form, the Klingons encounter the cloud and determine that the best way to deal with it is to shoot it with torpedoes, as one does. Unfortunately for them, the could basically swallows their torpedoes and retaliates with a murderous disco ball of sparks, instantly destroying all three of their ships.

Not just a cloud; A murderous space vagina!

Space Station Epsilon Nine intercepts the Klingons' transmission of the cloud attacking them, and they decide that they should probably warn the United Federation of Planets, being as the cloud is heading right for Earth. In turn, the Federation nominates the U.S.S. Enterprise to save the planet--again--because there are no other ships within range--again.

Admiral James T. Kirk (Shatner), sick of pushing papers at a desk all day, meets with his superior and demands to have the Enterprise given back to him, which, of course, happens. Now all he has to do is break it to the current captain, William Decker (Stephen Collins), who does not take the news well. He takes it even worse when Kirk informs him that, along with being demoted, he has to stick around as the Executive Officer.

And the finger pointing begins!

During Kirk and Decker's conversation, the transporter fails during a beam up of a pair of new crewmen, including Sonak (Jon Rashad Kamal), now-Captain Kirk's choice for Science Officer. As a result, the now demoted Commander Decker is also given double duty as the ship's acting Science Officer. Poor guy gets all the garbage dumped on him. But things improve for him when Ilia (Khambatta), the ship's new Deltan navigator, arrives. It seems she and Decker have a past of some kind.

Over on Vulcan, Spock (Nimoy) is taking part in the Kholinar ritual, which involves cleansing one's self of all emotion and becoming pure logic, or something like that. However, as he is about to be confirmed, he stops the ceremony because he is getting some kind of signal from somewhere out in space. He fails Kholinar.

The last crew member to arrive on the Enterprise before they leave is Dr. McCoy (Kelley), who is his usual cranky, possibly drunk self.

That guy on the left should really think about bangs.

Finally off and moving toward the cloud, Kirk demands they go to warp speed, which, due to an imbalance in the warp engines, immediately drags them into a wormhole with an asteroid that has the potential to destroy them before they even get out of the solar system. Decker saves the day, and Scotty (Doohan) is left to clean up the mess.

Not long after, the Enterprise is contacted by a Vulcan shuttle that drops Spock off. He's been listening to their communications and has figured out how to fix the warp engines, thereby cutting off one of Kirk's many options to kill as many crewmen as possible all at once. He is recommissioned and given the Science Officer position, relieving Decker of at least a little bit of the hassle he's had heaped upon him since Kirk took over. Time to get moving!

After what feels like hours of meandering shots of the Enterprise cruising along, they finally intercept the cloud, which is now only two days from Earth. As they try to make contact, the cloud sends a murderous disco ball after them. Fortunately, Spock figures out how to communicate with the cloud and transmits a peaceful message, and the cloud makes the disco ball disappear. Taking this as a tacit invitation, the Enterprise proceeds into the cloud.

Another mess for Scotty to clean up.

Almost immediately, a probe made of lightning and blinky lights boards the bridge and begins scanning the computers. Spock smashes his station's console in an attempt to stop it, which sort of works, although the probe zaps Spock and the disintegrates Ilia. Seconds later, the ship automatically goes to red alert again when an alien object appears in the crewmen's quarters. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Decker and Rand (Whitney) all go down to see what it is, because that seems like a safe idea. They discover an android--another probe--that looks almost exactly like Ilia, but with a monitoring device mounted on its throat. Although it isn't Ilia, it still appears to have some her memories, as it recognizes Decker, which leads to Kirk assigning Decker to keep an eye on it.

Now deep inside the cloud, the ship is forced to stop in front of a closed aperture. Spock decides he has to see what's beyond that, so he takes an EV suit with a rocket pack on it, and then he heads out into the cloud to see. He makes it through the aperture, and discovers an enormous memory bank that contains all the things the cloud, which is known as V'ger, has seen. At the end of it, Spock sees a giant representation of the probe and attempts a mind-meld, which does not go well; he gets pooped out of the aperture and has to be rescued by Kirk.

Persis Khambatta: Committed to indifference.

Back on the ship, the Ilia probe explains that V'ger is going to Earth to find its creator and, because it is clear the humans on the planet are an infestation that is causing the creator to not be able to respond, it's going to wipe those out, too. Thinkingt fast, Kirk says he known who the creator is, and would be happy to tell V'ger himself, but the Ilia probe refuses, demanding to be given the information. When Kirk further refuses and clears the bridge, the Ilia probe concedes and offers to take Kirk and his crew to meet V'ger.

But what is V'ger? And will Kirk manage to convince it not to kill everybody? Will Spock get the information he came looking for? Will McCoy and Scotty sober up enough to remember any of this happening? And will Decker get to do the one thing with the Ilia probe that he couldn't do with the real Ilia--touch them space boobies?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry was not impressed. It was a long movie that didn't really do much. Most of it was people staring at things, with occasional shots of the things they were staring at, mixed with bits of dialog. Dull, plodding dialog. But it's funny to imagine McCoy being hammered the entire time.

Derek also doesn't think it's a very good film, but he is fascinated that Kirk manages to maintain his rank despite his insatiable blood lust. The guy was responsible for two crewmen dying before they even got out of space dock! Also, Derek talks about sitting in the Captain's Chair, which deserves the capital letters.

That's right...This happened. (The Star Wars shirt was done intentionally, as a joke.)

So strap on your pointy ears, throckulate your perambulators (or the 21st century equivalent), live long and prosper, and listen this week's episode!