The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

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As Halloween is already nearly upon us, the guys had a quandary on their hands. Did they want to go with classic horror films again? Or did they want to pick something newer, to appeal to a younger audience? After tens of minutes discussing it, they decided to go with both and watch remakes of well-known horror films! And the first one they decided to start with was the 2006 remake of Wes Craven's already disturbing 1977 film, The Hills Have Eyes.

It starts out with Jeb (Tom Bower), the owner of a gas station out in the middle of the New Mexico desert, trying to quit some kind of business deal with someone named Pluto (Michael Bailey Smith), although what the deal is, is somewhat vague. What is definitely involved is a satchel full of jewelry and a Styrofoam box containing a human ear that appears to have been recently removed from its owner.

The next day(?), a big travel trailer pulled by a pickup truck pulls in to get some gas and maybe some directions. That's where we meet Big Bob (Ted Levine) and his family, including his wife Ethel (Kathleen Quinlan), son Bobby (Dan Byrd), youngest daughter Brenda (Emile de Ravin), oldest daughter Lynn (Vinessa Shaw), Lynn's husband Doug (Aaron Stanford), and their own child Catherine (Maisie Camilleri Preziosi). They also have a pair of German shepherds named Beauty and Beast. Beauty escapes the trailer and runs into the main office of the gas station, and when Lynn goes looking for her, Jeb is a little freaked-out to find them in there, as he is worried that Lynn saw what was in the satchel, which was sitting on the desk.

Jeb offers a shortcut to Bob, telling him he can cut an hour off his trip through the desert, as they are leaving and getting everyone back in the trailer. Bob thanks him and they are on their merry way...

You can totally trust this guy for directions.

...for all of about five minutes, when Bob drives the truck over some spikes that suddenly pop up out of the ground, causing him to lose control and crash the truck into the one and only giant rock in the area, pretty much totaling the vehicle. Somehow, nobody in injured, despite going from about fifty-ish miles-per-hour to zero almost instantly.

After assessing the damage, Bob decides that what he needs to do is send Doug out into the desert to try and find someone that can help him, while Bob himself heads off in the direction where he knows the gas station to be. He loads his big ol' .44 Magnum and he and Doug head off in different directions, leaving their wives and three children, one of whom is an infant, with the now immobile truck and trailer. That seems safe.

Brenda has already established a spot to sun herself, while Lynn and Ethel prepare food. Beauty gets out of the trailer and takes off running into the desert, so Bobby goes looking for her. When he finds her, she is dead and almost entirely gutted, causing Bobby to--quite reasonably--run away, but he falls down a pretty good drop, knocking him out.

Meanwhile, Mom and the baby relax.

As Bobby lies unconscious at the bottom of the pit, a physically deformed young girl, whom we later discover is named Ruby (Laura Ortiz), stands over him, watching him, but then notices that Goggle (Ezra Buzzington), is watching both of them, and she stays to keep Goggle away from Bobby.

Things aren't faring much better for Big Bob, who makes it back to the gas station, only to find that it looks like Jeb has abandoned it. He takes a look around, finds a bunch of articles in the office about disappearances and nuclear testing in the area, as well as the severed ear, and decides it's probably time to leave. He goes outside, but stops when he hears sounds coming from the outhouse. He finds Jeb in there, sobbing and holding a shotgun. Bob tries to talk to him, but Jeb keeps crying and finally blows his own head off. Bob definitely thinks it is time to leave, but he hears laughter around him and, after firing several random shots around the area, dives into Jeb's car and tries to start it. However, before he can, he hears the laughter in the back seat, and when he turns, he finds Papa Jupiter (Billy Drago), who smashes Bob's head against the windshield.

Doug is doing arguably much better than the other two. He finds a giant crater with a bunch of abandoned cars, and he goes picking through them to find some stuff. He grabs a few things and heads back to the trailer.

In a world gone mad...Good Boys still need to go walkies.

Bobby awakens and returns to the trailer, but he doesn't mention Beauty being killed. Doug returns as Ethel is cleaning Bobby's cuts from his fall. Later that night, they are awakened by screams heard outside. Brenda stays with the baby, and everyone else goes outside to investigate, where they find Bob tied to a stake and set on fire. While everybody is trying to save Bob, Pluto and Lizard (Robert Joy) run into the trailer and attack Brenda. Lizard smacks her around and rapes her.

Lynn enters the trailer to find Lizard and Pluto. As Lizard holds Bob's gun on the baby, he nurses from Lynn, which is super gross. Then Ethel comes in and Lizard shoots her, so Lynn grabs a nearby screwdriver and stabs lizard in the leg, causing him to shoot her in the head. Pluto grabs the baby, and Lizard tries to shoot Brenda, but he is out of bullets. He tells her, "I'll be back for you," and runs off with Pluto.

Although they put out the fire, Doug and Bobby couldn't save Bob. They go back to the trailer and find Lynn and Ethel dead, and Brenda in the process of a deserved meltdown. Out in the hills, Goggle was watching all of this go down and enjoying himself immensely, until Beast attacked and killed him, ripping his throat out.

Little sister Brenda is not going to help with dishes.

The next day, Doug sets out with Beast to find baby Catherine. They make their way back to the craters and find a small town made of houses that were built for nuclear testing, so there are lots of mannequins around and it is really unsettling. Also, Cyst (Greg Nicotero) is wandering around, and he's pretty unsettling all on his own. Doug finds the house where the baby is being kept and tries to sneak in and take her back. As he is leaving, he comes face-to-face with Big Mama (Ivana Turchetto), who knocks him out and stuff him in a freezer full of body parts.

Back at the trailer, Bobby is setting up tripwires and traps, while Brenda is setting tires on fire in the hope that someone will see the smoke and rescue them. When the tripwire is activated, they discover someone has stolen Ethel's body, and Bobby follows the trail of blood, only to find Papa Jupiter sitting on the ridge, eating Ethel's heart. Bobby responds by shooting at him, which seems like a good idea. And then he runs.

Doug awakens and has a bit of a rough time trying to get out of the freezer. When he does, he finds the wheelchair-bound Big Brain (Desmond Askew), who explains that these mutants were doing this because the government had chased them into the mines and set off nuclear bombs, so they were left with few option. And then Cyst shows up...

Excedrin Headache #358.

But what about Beast? Doug left him in a car to fend for himself! Will he get out? Will Doug survive his run-in with Cyst and save Catherine? Will Bobby and Brenda's traps keep them from becoming hors d'oeuvres for Big Brain and the rest (which they will no doubt pronounce "horse divorce")? And what's the deal with Ruby? No, really; what is her deal?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek really liked this, although he felt the first half was kind of aimless, aside from the almost constant murder. He also believes that Beast is the only real hero in this film. Everyone else did what they did to survive. Beast did it because he is a badass.

Jake is also a big fan. He loves the special effects and the gore, as well as the cast and the direction. There's really not a lot of bad that can be said about this one. And believe us, they tried! He also thinks the story in the first half was kind of light, but it still made for a fun watch.

So make sure your dog is with you, pile into the family camper, and tune in to this week's episode!