Unless I find one that really makes me laugh. Or two. Three, at most. Okay, five. But no more than six.
Anyway, as always, if you dig the funny, follow these fine folks. And if you're not on Twitter, you should know that I'm quietly judging you. So is Bosco.
And now, in no particular order...
I was raised by my grandfather clock because my biological clock was never there.
— Brian (@Black__Elvis) February 18, 2013
No, I've never been ostracized, but one time at the zoo an emu snatched a Kit Kat from my fanny pack.
— SoulCoffin (@SoulYodeler) April 4, 2014
My dream car is a coked out Chris Farley wearing rollerblades who pulls me around in a covered wagon
— A Responsible Man (@OBiiieeee) April 6, 2014
One of the toughest things about parenthood is dealing with all the childhood diseases, like measles, and Pokemon.
— ParentEsq (@ParentEsq) April 9, 2014
I read women who date online fear meeting a serial killer. Men fear meeting a fat chick. Guys, I don't know how you deal with the stress.
— Wine-O-Mite (@Jen_Up_) April 9, 2014
This just in: CNN believes bright spot on Mars may be black box from missing Flight 370. http://t.co/FeT6T6EHzf
— Andy Click (@overclicked) April 9, 2014
"Well look what the cat dragged in." *statue of David's in the kitchen next to an exhausted cat* "Renaissance period, Whiskers? Really?"
— ibid (@ibid78) April 9, 2014
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that's how I feel today.
— The Cisco Kid (@TheCiscoKidder) March 25, 2013
Just finished my first tickle fight with a Puerto Rican midget, & it was just as adorable as it sounds.
— Cookie's Eye Candy (@sfreeze6) November 1, 2013
I am far too busy to listen to your problems. *Googles do penguins go to heaven*
— dawn (@Dawn_M_) December 1, 2013
I can't wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.
— Alan Garner (@WolfpackAlan) April 10, 2014
Just turned down free mozzarella sticks. I don't even know who I am anymore.
— Sarahara Dessert (@sarahdunmore13) April 10, 2014
JUST IN. EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS The situation at #BundyRanch has reached a tipping point.PLEASE RT MUST GET THE TRUTH OUT! pic.twitter.com/kT1v1W3R5c
— Bill (@tomservo10) April 12, 2014
Canada invades the United States, spruces it up, gets its finances in order, then leaves voluntarily 3 days later
— Sean Yeatts & Ham (@seanyeatts) April 2, 2013
Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. YES MY CHILD Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
— Terry F (@daemonic3) April 9, 2014
You smell like Bob Dylan sounds.
— Southpaw (@_SetTheHook_) April 10, 2014
Make sure you read this before you get your kids a dinosaur. pic.twitter.com/TqJ74u4dNO
— Ubooly (@Ubooly) April 9, 2014
Hamburger Helper isn't really there to help the hamburger
— Casey Duncan (@caseytduncan) January 29, 2014
One time I pulled a guy's ponytail & he sharted out a hacky sack
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) April 10, 2014
I home school my son. Our prom is going to be awkward.
— Dawn of the Dead (@DawnLovesZombie) January 25, 2012
Watching X-Men with 5yo. Opening scene, Rogue puts boyfriend in coma. Me: See what happens when you kiss boys?
— Coopacabra (@MermanMurdoch) August 18, 2013
You ever notice how white cod are like this *swimming fish motion* but black cod are like this??? *swimming fish motion*
— Musky Lozenge (@LostCatDog) April 11, 2014
I saw adult twins in matching outfits yesterday and now I'm too afraid to sleep through the night.
— $pencer (@13spencer) April 12, 2014
Surely not EVERYBODY was Kung Fu fighting.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) February 13, 2013
Don't you just hate it when your favorite song comes on the radio and your mother-in-law is still alive?And finally...
— Mrs.Throbinson (@mellimelle) April 11, 2014
There is no sentence that could possibly be funnier to me than this. It is the perfect combination of words. pic.twitter.com/EPbwbNCErPAnd there you have it! Bosco and I hope you have an awesome week!
— Aevee Bee (@MammonMachine) April 10, 2014
All the best, Derek and Bosco