Anyway, it's Sunday, so it's time for me to pull some of the funny tweets that made me laugh on Twitter this past week. And, as usual, I want to suggest that, if you find these folks funny, follow them! Most of these aren't one-time things! And if yo're not already a Twitter-monkey, become one! There's even more funny out there these! It's win-win for everybody!
And, finally, before I get started, I want to wish all of you awesome moms out there a super-wonderful Mother's Day. Without you, this planet would be a total sausagefest.
So, let's get started, won't we? In no particular order...
Some men are born to greatness. Some have greatness thrust upon them. I just folded a microwave pizza and ate it like a soft taco.— LJ Actually (@Sickayduh) May 4, 2014
Hello youth: I am a cool one just like you I wear a backward hat. Choose bird not drug. Skateboards.— birdsrightsactivist (@ProBirdRights) May 5, 2014
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?— Sly (@slyoung5) May 13, 2011
Remember in Star Wars when Luke casually brags about shooting rats during a high profile military meeting? Fucking space hillbilly— Hampton Yount (@Hamptonyount) May 4, 2014
Oscar, our small dog, ran outside without a leash. Because it's 80 degrees and very dry out, he gave up and rolled over 5 feet from the door— Caleb Dobbs (@SongforaName) May 8, 2014
You haven't seen happy till you've seen a goat on a Slip 'n Slide.— Jimmer Cork-Bottle (@JimmerThatisAll) June 16, 2012
I don't always feed ducks, but when I do I feed them a FLURRY OF HAYMAKERS TO THEIR STUPID BREAD-EATING FACES. Fuck ducks.— Christopher Sherk (@TheIronSherk) May 5, 2014
My dog just ate a bunch of my niece's crayons so in about 8 hours or so I'll be the proud owner of my very own Nicki Minaj action figure.— James (@JaySaysStuff) May 9, 2014
[at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 9, 2014
It was terrifying after he died to find that box of all the noses grandpa "got" over the years— sara (@SomthinBoutSara) May 9, 2014
And there you have it! Have an awesome week!
All the best,
Derek and Bosco