Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week (Birthday/Mother's Day Edition)

Okay, let's get this right out of the way so I don't get a whole bunch of questions about it: It's called the "Birthday/Mother's Day Edition" because it's my birthday weekend and today is Mother's Day. That's all. There's nothing birthday or Mother's Day-related about these tweets. Got it? Good. We still cool, bro?

Anyway, it's Sunday, so it's time for me to pull some of the funny tweets that made me laugh on Twitter this past week. And, as usual, I want to suggest that, if you find these folks funny, follow them! Most of these aren't one-time things! And if yo're not already a Twitter-monkey, become one! There's even more funny out there these! It's win-win for everybody!

And, finally, before I get started, I want to wish all of you awesome moms out there a super-wonderful Mother's Day. Without you, this planet would be a total sausagefest.

So, let's get started, won't we? In no particular order...

Some men are born to greatness. Some have greatness thrust upon them. I just folded a microwave pizza and ate it like a soft taco.

— LJ Actually (@Sickayduh) May 4, 2014

Hello youth: I am a cool one just like you I wear a backward hat. Choose bird not drug. Skateboards.

— birdsrightsactivist (@ProBirdRights) May 5, 2014

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

— Sly (@slyoung5) May 13, 2011

Remember in Star Wars when Luke casually brags about shooting rats during a high profile military meeting? Fucking space hillbilly

— Hampton Yount (@Hamptonyount) May 4, 2014

Oscar, our small dog, ran outside without a leash. Because it's 80 degrees and very dry out, he gave up and rolled over 5 feet from the door

— Caleb Dobbs (@SongforaName) May 8, 2014

You haven't seen happy till you've seen a goat on a Slip 'n Slide.

— Jimmer Cork-Bottle (@JimmerThatisAll) June 16, 2012

I don't always feed ducks, but when I do I feed them a FLURRY OF HAYMAKERS TO THEIR STUPID BREAD-EATING FACES. Fuck ducks.

— Christopher Sherk (@TheIronSherk) May 5, 2014

My dog just ate a bunch of my niece's crayons so in about 8 hours or so I'll be the proud owner of my very own Nicki Minaj action figure.

— James (@JaySaysStuff) May 9, 2014

[at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 9, 2014

It was terrifying after he died to find that box of all the noses grandpa "got" over the years

— sara (@SomthinBoutSara) May 9, 2014

And there you have it! Have an awesome week!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco