Here's why: Each week, I have to search through all the funny tweets you wrote--tweets that made me laugh loud enough to scare Bosco, or at least snort Coke out my nose. (I would not recommend this.) And, as I go through them, I have to make a lot of tough decisions about which ones to include and which ones, sadly, to pass on. If I could, I'd post all of them, but then it wouldn't be so much a list as a recreation of my own Twitter feed, but without all the poorly-written ones from me.
|But only Bosco would hear me.|
Anyway, it was a heck of a week last week. presidential hopeful and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sat down to talk to the yahoos running the 478th Benghazi hearing designed to show that she personally went there and karate-kicked those four Americans to death, stopping only to give piles of free government money to gay immigrants and forcing any Christians she ran across to convert to Islam while receiving federally-funded abortions. I think.
|Trey Gowdy gives his opening statement to an attentive audience.|
Now, normally, I would take statements like that with a grain of salt because, like so many other average citizens, I am an idiot, and I'd like to assume that somewhere in the governmental machine, someone is sitting at a desk and actually trying not to destroy everybody for personal gain. But this time I paid a little more attention because the people who were saying this stuff were, in fact, the guys who were running the hearings.
When the guy running the show (Trey Gowdy), as well as another guy who, at one point, was supposed to take over the Speaker of the House position when John Boehner leaves (Kevin McCarthy), and one of their investigators (Maj. Bradley Podliska) all say it's horseshit...Well, maybe you should pay attention.
And speaking of the Speaker of the House, the above-mentioned McCarthy decided that, nah...He didn't want the job. There was a lot of speculation as to why, but it all boils down to McCarthy taking a look at what was going on between Boehner and the loonies in the Freedom Caucus, and he uttered those two important words that have saved so many lives and careers in the past: "Fuck that."
Unfortunately, that means Paul Ryan has decided to step in and take the job. There's more about that, but I'm frankly sick of talking about it.
|Let's go back to the studio for the weather report...|
Now, yes, this is pretty upsetting. All those folks injured or, worse, killed; those whose homes were damaged or destroyed...It's terrible when stuff like that happens to anybody. (Except you, Todd. You know why.) But even more upsetting is the fact that this hurricane, so late in the season, was so strong and so huge. Let's throw it over to my pal @PaperWash to see a comparison to the last big-ass, hurricane that hit close to that area:
my god pic.twitter.com/j5qO6xm4xS— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) October 23, 2015
They're getting bigger. Yikes. Global warming? An angry god (or gods)? I'm not picking sides, although I have my opinions. (Damn you, Todd. You dick.) But regardless of the reason, it's extremely worrying.
|Almost as worrying as whatever is happening here.|
Oh, yeah...And some folks over on Twitter made me laugh. What say we get to those, being as that's why you're here, I assume? In no particular order...
Yes, people, I know Guinness just declared the longest baguette at 400 feet, my 300 foot baguette project has never been about records.— J. Elvis Weinstein (@JElvisWeinstein) October 18, 2015
In hindsight, U2's "I still haven't found what i'm looking for" was a poor choice for my wedding song— Wolfmann (@wolfmannjr) September 23, 2014
Two roads diverged in a wood... pic.twitter.com/535AQUDQFU— Shane Morris (@IamShaneMorris) October 20, 2015
I'm legally obligated to tell you how many times I've seen Roadhouse before we fight.— Scary Fucken Name (@Neauxpe) October 19, 2015
Almost every hand you've ever shaken has had a dick in it.— Jamie East (@mrjamieeast) October 20, 2015
Biden: What'd you have for lunch? Obama: What did I say about personal space? Biden: Just let me smell your mouth. pic.twitter.com/apqfw7hI6P— Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) March 1, 2015
If two coworkers run into each other at work while holding a '#1 Dad' mug they should have to fight to the death using only office supplies.— Nathan (@stockejock) June 12, 2015
Had a pumpkin spiced flavored coffee and then BET was removed from my channel lineup.— Trey (@treydayway) October 20, 2015
I just tied my 99 problems to my 99 Luftballons. Thanks, Nena! *Thinks of you and let's them go*— MMMMMMark (@Eightinchgoat) October 24, 2015
I have resting snack face.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) October 20, 2015
BONUS EXTRA TWEET (requested by @redtache):
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.— Joe West (@joejwest) September 9, 2014
And there you have it! See what I mean? It gets more and more difficult each week, but I keep doing it. For you. And to validate my need to ramble about other stuff under the guise of humor. It's win-win!
Anyway, have an awesome week. And, to start it off, have a look at the unofficial Star Wars trailer some genius created by editing together all of the released footage from The Force Awakens so far.
As an added bonus, here's John Boyega reacting to seeing himself in the trailer during Monday Night Football last week:
All the best,
Derek and Bosco