After the week I had at work, I'm just not ready to talk about politics this time around, because I would probably punch my computer, and then there wouldn't be a list next week. Can't have that. Besides, my microwave might be listening.
I will, however, add this (courtesy of our pal @redtache):
Anyway, this past week, the weather tried to kill us all, and there were a lot of people who ended up without electricity. Among those affected was my place of employment. I had just clocked in, and when I was reaching for the door, the lights went out.
|Artist's rendering of last Wednesday.|
We got power back on Friday, which is all well and good, but that was the one day that I wish they had called me and said, "Hey, Derek...Why don't you stay home tonight?"
|I had plans, is all...|
Now enough of that shit. Who wants to look at some goddamn funny tweets? In fact, these particular ten were chosen from the vast tweet mines of Twitter specifically because they will make you laugh, and also send your brain a coded message to guard you from appliances trying to read your brain with rays.
So open your mouth, say "aaah", and dig these, in no particular order:
Better names for porcupines:— stiv (@lawbsterfest) February 19, 2016
Ever have that dream where you're making love to Mayor McCheese but you wake up naked in a McDonald's parking lot scissoring half a Big Mac?— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) October 29, 2016
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.— emily nussbaum (@emilynussbaum) March 6, 2017
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.— The Real Clem Shady (@cpsemple) December 28, 2016
Each year, Asians swallow an average of 12 pandas in their sleep.— Carbosly (@Carbosly) March 6, 2017
We've replaced her children with a herd of wild bighorn sheep. Let's see if she notices.— Andry H'tims (@Thing_Finder) March 7, 2017
[sees spiders engaging in sexual cannibalism] I hope to find a love like yours someday.— Abby Normal (@MrsTomServo) March 7, 2017
Autocorrect makes me angrier and angrier but then changes "fist bump" to "fish bump" again and I forgive everything it has ever done to me.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 3, 2016
Radioactive wild boars are roaming the streets of Fukushima, Japan.— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) March 9, 2017
Welcome to a time in our history when this is only a minor news story.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*— Pepper Spray🌹 (@HisDulcinea) April 27, 2015
And there you have it! Now get out there, stay warm (it's freakin' freezing here), and have a great week! And to get you started, here's Barenaked Ladies performing with the a capella group, The Persuasions...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco