Twin Dragons

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Oh, Jackie Chan...Is there nothing you cannot do? You do your own stunts, you beat people up with stunning moves, and your comedic timing is, to say the least, impeccable. So it seemed like a no-brainer that you could pull off playing your own twin, right?

Wellllll...

This week the guys sat down to watch Twin Dragons, an action comedy starring Jackie as Boomer and John Ma, brothers separated at birth when a gangster (Kirk Wong) escapes from a hospital by taking a newborn baby from a couple (James Wong and Sylvia Chang) and jumping out a window. When the gangster lands on a car, he drops the baby, who lands in a conveniently-placed wheelchair and rolls away until he is found by a drunk woman (Mabel Cheung), who takes him in and raises him (sort of).

Heartbroken, the parents fly home to mainland China with their remaining child, John, where he becomes a musical prodigy and conductor, while the other one becomes a street fighting vagrant child named Boomer and, eventually, a mechanic and street racer. Oh, and kind of a criminal.

But, you know, the kind with a heart of gold that the ladies love.

Boomer spends most of his time defending and cleaning up messes created by his best friend, a weird little orangutan-looking guy named Tyson (Teddy Robin). When we meet Tyson, he has convinced Boomer to come with him to rescue his girl, Barbara (or, as Derek likes to call her, "Babawah," played by Maggie Cheung), from a gangster bar. They go inside and immediately get into a fight, only for Boomer to discover that Barbara has no idea who Tyson is, and the whole thing ends up with Tyson and Boomer being tied up and about to get their legs broken, but they are saved when Boomer challenges the head gangster, Boss Yung (Alfred Cheung), to a road race for $300,000.

Of course, they lose and have to take a stolen boat to the mainland to avoid the whole "getting-their-legs-broken" thing. However, Boss Yung sends some of his thugs to meet them there, and a wild boat chase ensues, ending up with both Tyson and Boss Yung (who shows up after the excitement) in the hospital.

Tyson: The Missing Link between Man and Ape.

But wait! John Ma is in Hong Kong to give a series of concerts, and he just happens to be staying at the hotel where Boomer and Tyson know a guy  who gets them customers' cars to race. And some creepy guy who is listed on IMDb as "Uncle Tang" (Yuen Chor) is there with his daughter Tammy (Nina Li Chi). Tammy, it seems, has been convinced by her father to act as John's nurse while he is in Hong Kong, and he seems like he's a little too into the idea of Tammy and John smashing their naughty bits against each other. John doesn't seem to be into it, but it turns out that, along with his musical talents, he's also an expert chiropractor and relaxes Tammy so well that she falls asleep. (Or maybe he's a terrible chiropractor and roughed her up until she was unconscious. YOU MAKE THE CALL!)

When Boomer returns to the hotel to meet up with Barbara at the cafe inside so he can convince her to go visit Tyson in hospital, things start getting crazy when John and Tammy sit in the booth behind them. Hotel managers, waters, and anyone else they run across are straight-up shocked at the possibility that one person can look like another person! That's insane!

Everybody has one of these two expressions the whole time.

The first big kerfuffle (a word that is not used nearly enough, in our opinions), Tammy's boyfriend, Rocky (Jamie Luk) confuses Boomer with John because Tammy has attached herself to John, remora-like, and attacks Boomer.

Boomer doesn't want to fight, especially since he doesn't know Rocky or Tammy, but Rocky tries gamely anyway, scrunching his eyes closed and swinging wildly. Boomer nonviolently defends himself by moving slightly out of the way. He also gets a little help from the manager, who makes it a point to take away any potential weapons moments before Rocky can grab them. It's really ridiculous, but entertaining.

He also meets up with Barbara and John, and it goes about as well.

The fight is finally ended when the manager, fed-up with Rocky's shenanigans, punches him and knocks him down a flight of stairs, after which we have little doubt Rocky suffered massive head trauma and was sent to an assisted living complex to live out his last few days, as he is never seen in this movie again.

Meanwhile, Tammy takes Boomer back to John's hotel room, unaware that he is not who she thinks he is, and asks him to "do what you did for me yesterday." Boomer, completely unaware of what was done yesterday, improvises and plows her like a cornfield. No doubt, Tammy's father will be doubly disappointed to find out that not only did his daughter get poked by the wrong guy, but also because he wasn't there to watch. Seriously, he's way too into it.

He probably would have relished walking in on this little mix-up, as well.

More confusion ensues as John takes a liking to Barbara, who is convinced that he is actually Boomer, despite taking her to a concert hall (in a limousine!) and playing Beethoven on a grand piano for her on the stage. The whole time, she acts as though this is an elaborate prank Boomer is running just to get at her good stuff, which she is willing to give up without this display.

Finally, something happens, and Boomer is contacted by Boss Yung's people, who tell him that if he wants to save Tyson, who is still in the gangster-controlled hospital, he is going to have to help them with breaking their big boss (it's the gangster that originally kidnapped Boomer, if you can believe that) out of jail during a prison transfer. Unfortunately, when they come to pick him up, they get John instead, and he has to do the driving. There are some crashes, and people get hurt, but the boss gets out, and John gets the hell out of there as soon as he gets a chance.

At the same time, Boomer is being dragged to the concert hall by an enamored Tammy, where she expects him to conduct a symphony. He is unable to get out of it, so he goes onstage and flails around like a spazzy cartoon character. The whole thing is being broadcast on the radio, so John hears all of it as he races to the hall himself, where, after the concert, he meets up with Boomer, and the two of them reveal to Tammy and Barbara that they are, in fact, two different people, neither of whom is the one the two women thought they were with.

But now they have to rescue Tyson. But will they?  Will they utilize the fact that they are twins to confuse the gangsters enough to rescue Boomer's little primate pal? Will John get the ever-loving piss beaten out of him because he can't fight? Will Barbara and Tammy keep the guy they each were with? Or will they trade to see if it's a better deal? Will anybody figure out that Boomer and John are brothers? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry likes the movie, despite its goofiness. Or maybe because of it. Either way, he was into it. He is not, however, into the poor blending when Boomer and John are in the same shot together. It looks really bad. Still, it's a fun movie.

Derek is deeply disturbed by Tyson, who, as noted above, looks like a hairless orangutan. And he's also the real villain of the movie. Not because of the acting; it's because the character is a self-centered asshole who does nothing but cause problems.

Jake also liked it, but he has serious questions about Boom and John's real parents' child rearing abilities. Especially the father, who, when one of his sons is taken, passes out and then refuses to believe that the guy who looks exactly like his other son is also his son. Poor dope.

So tug on your belt, snort loudly, and listen to this week's episode!

Street Fighter

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Just when we thought we had covered the most dumbass video game movies with Mortal Kombat and  Super Mario Bros., Jake had to go ahead and find one that is, if not worse, most certainly equally stupid in the form of Street Fighter, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Raul Julia (in his final role, which makes it even sadder), Ming-Na Wen, Kylie Minogue, and a whole bunch of people nobody would recognize if they passed them on the street.

Go ahead...Identify anyone else in this picture. It can't be done!

So it turns out that things aren't all wine and roses in the made-up country of Shadaloo. This is largely because deranged drug lord M. Bison (Raul Julia, who will always be remembered by the Here Be Spoilers crew for his immortal line reading of "Ma...My nuts?") has captured some A.N. (like the U.N., but not at all) workers, and is demanding $20 billion in order to free them and not feed them to his new secret weapon, a green dude named Charlie (Robert Mammone) who also happens to be the best friend of A.N. General William Guile (Van Damme).

Who, rumor has it, was baked out of his mind the whole shoot.

Guile wants to get in there, rescue everybody, save Charlie, and possibly kick Bison in the face, because that's kind of his thing. His assistant, Sgt. Cammy (Minogue), sort of tracks down Bison's location, and they prepare to send troops to the scene, with Guile taking the lead.

For the record: Guile's best friend in the whole world.

Meanwhile, a couple of scammers from the not-made-up country of America (really, it exists!), Ken (Damian Chapa) and Ryu (Byron Mann), are in Shadaloo to rip-off Bison's arms dealer named Sagat (Wes Studi) by giving him crates of what are essentially Nerf guns. Unfortunately, Sagat discovers that the guns are fake, and he takes Ken and Ryu prisoner, forcing Ryu to fight Sagat's cage champion, Vega (Jay Tavare). The fight, however, is interrupted by Guile driving a missile-equipped tank through the building and arresting everybody. Like, everybody...Hundreds of people.

When Guile discovers that Ken and Ryu aren't part of Sagat's people, he offers them a deal to infiltrate Bison's crew, and they accept. They stage a prison escape to gain favor with Sagat in order to get access to Bison. But they are being watched by a reporter named Chun-Li (Wen) and her crew, former sumo wrestler E. Honda (Peter Tuiasosopo) and former boxer Balrog (Grand L. Bush), whose careers Sagat had ruined before the movie started.

Shown: NOT Ming-Na Wen as Chun-Li.

Chun-Li throws a tracking device on the truck the prison escapees steal so she, too, can find Bison's fortress, and she and her guys go looking for it. They track the stolen truck to a party where Sagat and Bison meet up, and their plan is to kill the two of them, despite Guile thinking this is not the best idea. Ken and Ryu stop the assassination attempt in order to get on Bison's good side, which works. Bison takes Chun-Li, Honda, and Balrog prisoner. Honda and Balrog are sent to be tortured, but Bison wants Chun-Li sent to his quarters for a different kind of torture. (As best as we could tell, he plans on overacting at her to death.)

Ryu and Ken break Honda and Balrog out of some sort of weird, Pulp Fiction-y, "Zed's dead" sort of captivity, and the four of them go to find Chun-Li and rescue her from having to hear Bison recite Shakespeare at her or some damn thing. But when they get to Bison's room, he is in the process of getting his ass handed to him by Chun-Li. He uses the distraction of the four of them interrupting to go hide in his panic room and he gasses them.

In his excitement, Bison sort of got some in him eye.

Guile, in the meantime, is searching for the now green-skinned Charlie. But before he can rescue his pal, he must kick the ever-loving shit out of Bison, which leads him to the main room where Bison awaits, ready to murder all the A.N. workers and fly away on his flying desk. (Yes, that is a thing. It is run by arcade cabinet controls. Seriously.) But will Guile defeat Bison? or will Bison's clothes save him? How many times? Will somebody just die already? You'll have to listen to find out!

Derek thought that he would never see a dumber martial arts-based video game movie after Mortal Kombat. He was wrong. And he is seriously saddened by the knowledge that this was Raul Julia's final film. Nobody should have to go to their grave with Street Fighter as the last item in their resumé.

Larry liked it a little better than Derek, but only a little. He is also saddened by the Raul Julia thing, as well as how little Charlie was used in the movie, being as the character is so kick-ass in the original Street Fighter video game. (Not to be confused with the Street Fighter: The Movie video game, a video game based on a movie based on a video game.)

So put on your ridiculous costume, strike a stupid pose, and tune in to this week's episode!

Mortal Kombat

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This episode is a commentary, so you're going to need a copy of Mortal Kombat to watch while you listen, if that's your bag. If not...well, have fun!

There was a time, not too long ago, when the prospect of a video game movie was exciting and new. Of course, that was back when games like Street Fighter and Super Mario Bros. were cutting edge 8-bit technology, so expectations were not too high. This is what allowed the viewing public to believe that it was a good idea to cast a British guy (Bob Hoskins) and a Latino guy (John Leguizamo) as a couple of Italian New Yorkers.

But then, over the horizon, came a new game that changed the...uh...game. Instead of pixelated cartoon guys kicking turtles around and trying to save princesses from angry apes, the Midway company used photorealistic images of fighters and threw in buckets of blood to create a game called Mortal Kombat. Naturally, parents went apeshit and demanded that the blood be removed, causing kids to like it even more. It was only a matter of time before someone took the game and turned it into a money-making machine of a movie.

Unfortunately, the budget wasn't as big as the box office.

Part of the problem with taking Mortal Kombat and turning it into a movie is that there really isn't much of a story. Basically, there's a big tournament that takes place every thousand years, and the "best" fighters are invited to come test their talent. The whole thing is run by a guy named Shang Tsung (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa), with the added bonus that he gets to take their souls, which keeps him young and gives his lair its lustrous sheen.

Among the people he has chosen are: Liu Kang (Robin Shou), a Chinese martial artist whose brother was killed by Shang Tsung for reasons that are never really made clear; and Johnny Cage (Linden Ashby), an action movie star facing rumors that he fakes all of his fights and stunts. Additionally, a government agent, Sonya Blade (Bridgette Wilson-Sampras), ends up in the group because she is in pursuit of a criminal named Kano (Trevor Goddard), who was hired by Shang Tsung to draw her into the tournament. Fortunately, these three have a little help on their side, as well, in the form of Lord Raiden (Christopher Lambert, for some reason), the God of Lightning. He's there to ensure that the tournament goes fairly.

Unfortunately, this Asian God is the freakin' Highlander. WHY, GOD? WHY?

Over on Shang Tsung's side of things, he has a bunch of nameless leftover goons from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Foot Clan, as well as a couple of specialized ninjas with super powers that they only use when it is the least necessary. One of them, Sub-Zero (François Petit), has the ability to freeze people and create weapons from ice. Fortunately, it turns out that he can be taken out with a little bit of water in a bucket. Not especially helpful, really. The other, Scorpion (Chris Casamassa), can spontaneously generate a spear connected to a cable from the palm of his hand. He's kind of a murdery, sentient claw machine. Unfortunately, his cable length is just that much too short, and he is unable to murder Johnny Cage with it.

But the can both serve the heck out of you in a dance-off.

There's also a lizardy kind of ninja named Reptile (Keith Cooke), but he was a last-minute add, and he isn't very effective.

Fortunately, Shang Tsung has a back-up plan: A big guy called Goro (Kevin Michael Richardson and Tom Woodruff, Jr.), who has enough arms to beat everyone all at once! He's also a high-five champion, but they don't cover that aspect of his life in this movie. Maybe they did in the sequel.

Put it there...and there...and there...and there...

Goro's job is to kill off the final Kombatant (ugh...we feel so stupid spelling it like that...) so Shang Tsung can take over the mortal world or some such ridiculous thing. To be honest, this is way more information than is actually needed in order for the viewer to enjoy the best part of the whole thing, which is watching people kick other people (or creatures) in the head. Unfortunately, there's a lot less of that than there is unnecessary exposition.

Oh, there are fights--Liu Kang fights Sub-Zero (kills him with a bucket of water) and Scorpion (Bicycle Kick to death), Johnny Cage fights Scorpion (can't remember how he beat him) and Goro (dick punch splits), and Sonya Blade fights Kano, who seems to enjoy having his head locked between her thighs a bit too much for a guy who is losing.

He seems like the sort of guy who would actually tell her that, too.

But the fights are few and far between and, really, not that great. And after all of that, Liu Kang has to fight Shang Tsung because Tsung has kidnapped Sonya and dressed her up like an extra in a Whitesnake video. Will Liu win? Wll all the souls Shang Tsung took in get returned to their rightful owners? Will anyone hold Johnny Cage responsible for what was clearly an illegal move in the Goro fight? Will Sonya get Kano to stop making gross comments and asking her to put him in a leglock again? You'll have to listen to the guys' commentary to find out!

Jake realizes that this is not a good movie, but he still loves watching it. As bad as it is, it's still good fun, although nobody can convince him that Christopher Lambert being cast as Lord Raiden was a good and not-racist idea. The others are right there with him on that one.

Larry seemed hurt by the mean things the other guys said about the movie, but is willing to admit that it is not the best film out there. He is, however, impressed with Goro, which was a practical effect, rather than a CG creation. He's right. It looks good.

Derek pretty much agrees with both of the guys' assessments, but his biggest joy was hearing Jake come up with his variations of the game Mortal Kombat, which included Mullet Kombat and Marital Kombat. Derek's contribution was Mortal Wombat. Cut him some slack.

So get on the boat, head to Outworld, and listen to the latest episode!

This Is Not A Test

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Some of you may remember our episode covering the movie Atomic War Bride, where the guys were horrified to see an actual cow actually machine gunned by an actual fighter jet. Well, it turns out that there was a second movie on that DVD, and it, too, speaks of the horrors of potential nuclear war, as well as the abuse of animals. In this particular case, it involves an angry guy violently throwing real chickens around.

You'd think Colonel Sanders himself started the nuclear war.

The movie is called This Is Not A Test, and it was made in 1962. It stars a bunch of people the guys had never heard of, including Seamon Glass (there was some discussion about how this guy's first name is pronounced), Thayer Roberts, Aubrey Martin, Mary Morlas, Michael Greene, Alan Austin, Carole Kent, Norman Winston, Ron Starr (aka "Clunt, the chicken thrower"), and Don Spruance.

Oh, and this dog, who gets murdered, as well. Nuclear war is fucked-up.

Deputy Dan Coulter (Glass) is on a late night patrol out in the middle of nowhere. It looks like a pretty quiet night until his dispatcher contacts him and tells him he is to set up a roadblock and stop any traffic going either way. He rushes to the location and immediately sets to work blocking the road. As he does this, an old pickup truck rolls up. He meets Jake (Roberts) and his daughter Juney (Martin), who are apparently delivering chickens somewhere in the middle of the night. (If Deputy Seamon were any kind of decent cop, he should be wondering why they are moving them so late...Probably black market chickens.) He tells Jake to pull the truck over to the side and set down some road flares to get the attention of any oncoming vehicles.

Is it pronounced "Shay-mon" or "Semen"? Guess which one we went with.

Meanwhile, another car rolls up, coming the other way. Officer Seamon goes to talk to them and discovers they are Joe (Greene) and Cheryl (Morlas), a couple who are on their way to Las Vegas to gamble some of the $750,000 Joe won somehow. (It was probably mentioned, but the guys don't remember.) Officer Seamon tells them to pull over and get out of the car. They are not especially thrilled about the idea, but they do.

At some point around this time, a married couple, Sam (Winston) and Karen (Kent), and their small dog arrive and join the group. It's turning into a real hoedown in the middle of nowhere!

At the same time, Jake flags down a semi truck with two men in it. Al (Austin), the driver, pulls the truck over and goes to see the deputy to find out what the deal is. His passenger, Clint (Starr), however, stays in the truck and refuses to speak.

Al and Clunt: Purveyors of discount fur coats and caviar.

When Officer Seamon takes a look at Clunt, he realizes that he is a wanted man and tells him to get out of the truck. Clunt jumps out and runs into the woods, with Officer Seamon and the small dog in pursuit. He returns moments later without Clunt, who turns out to be really good at not being found.

Everybody wants to know what's going on, but Officer Seamon has nothing to tell them. Fortunately, the radio in his police car comes on and announces that the whole area is on YELLOW ALERT! However, it does not immediately explain what that means, so Joe and Cheryl decide they want to get out of there. Deputy Seamon is having none of that, and he beats Joe down with the butt of his rifle, and then handcuffs him to the front bumper of his own car.

Everybody else is content to just stand around and pretend they didn't see that.

Once again, the radio announces that the whole area is still under YELLOW ALERT, but this time offers up a little more information. It seems that there are nuclear missiles on the way, so they should all probably try to not be standing around when they arrive. Deputy Seamon suggests Al move the truck a little further down the road, and they remove all the contents so they can use the trailer as a shelter.

Take note of the company name on the truck.

Everybody gets to work, including Joe, who decides that he likes being helpful much more than he likes being pistol-whipped and cuffed to cars. As the group pulls boxes from the truck, they start going through them, finding fur coats, whiskey, saki, champagne, and caviar...from a store called Discount World. Let that sink in. Form your own opinions. Try not to let it bother you too much, but keep these three words in your head while you watch the movie (which is available on YouTube): "Dollar store caviar."

During the unloading, Al takes a shine to Karen, and they sneak off to make smoochie-face. Juney has a bit of a freak-out because she is not a fan of confined spaces, and she insists to Jake that she is not going in that trailer, regardless of nukes. Also, a guy comes rolling up on his badass Vespa scooter, and introduces himself as Peter (Spruance). He joins the group in unloading the truck, but the work is interrupted when the radio announces that the whole area is now under RED ALERT! The missiles are coming and it's time to get to shelter!

Deputy Seamon makes everybody grab some mud to block off the vents in the trailer, and he sends Sam off to find Al and Karen, who, it bears repeating, is Sam's wife, which turns out to be a bad idea, because he finds them pawing each other in the tall grass. He tells them to get to the trailer, then goes back and kills himself. Dude was a total puss.

Juney again freaks out and runs into the woods, where she runs into Clunt, who decides not to murder her because she was the only one who was nice to him. As Jake gets near, Juney heads back to him and immediately rats Clunt out to the deputy. Then she and Jake decide to wander into the mountains, where they hope to find an old mine to hide in, and Peter invites himself along so they can drink from his hat.

But what will happen to them? Will they get instantly vaporized in the nuclear blast? And what about the folks in the trailer? Will the one-inch thick walls of aluminum and plywood keep them safe from radiation? Will they get along and not try to kill each other? You'll have to listen to find out!

Derek picked this flick, and he doesn't regret it one bit. It's a good movie, if a bit slow, and builds the suspense nicely. He is deeply disturbed by the chicken throwing and dog murder, but what are ya gonna do?

Larry also liked the movie, and was also very disturbed by the animal abuse. In fact, the chicken tossing was so upsetting to him that he legitimately yelled about it while they watched the movie. The clip at the top of the page is only a few seconds of it. It goes on for over a minute!

So slip into your hazmat suit, fire up the Geiger counter, and check out this week's episode!