Angels' Brigade

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The seventies were an interesting time, especially for movies and television. Blaxploitation films were exactly as awful as the genre's name implies, although it brought some amazingly talented actors to the attention of moviegoers who might otherwise not have heard of them. On television, shows such as Good Times and What's Happening gave suburban white people a chance to see some incredible acting and comedy, as well as storytelling showing the kind of garbage black people had to put up with from super racist white guys like Archie Bunker. Disco was a thing that happened, causing movies like You Can't Stop the Music (starring Bruce Jenner and the Village People!) and Saturday Night Fever to happen to unsuspecting audiences, as well as TV shows like Solid Gold  and Dance Fever.

And then there was a growing number of female-centric movies which showed viewers that women could kick as much ass as any men, and still look fabulous doing it! Everybody knows Charlie's Angels and The Bionic Woman. But not as many know about this week's movie, Angels' Brigade (aka Angels' Revenge), which tries to be something sort of...well, we're not exactly sure.

Bobby Wilson (Mike Gugliotta) is a punk kid who is addicted to some sort of vague narcotic, possibly PCP. He tries to pantomime to his drug dealer, Sticks (Darby Hinton), that he needs a fix, even offering a stolen watch as payment. When Sticks refuses, Bobby wordlessly clocks Sticks with a beer bottle and steals his product. Almost immediately, Sticks's...supervisor (we're not sure how drug cartels work), Mike Farrell (Jack Palance), arrives and they give chase, cornering Bobby and beating the ever-loving snot out of him.

He will punch you just because.

Elsewhere, Michelle Wilson (Susan Kiger), Bobby's older sister, is singing disco songs at Arthur Godfrey and an enthusiastic crowd, demanding that they "shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shiine, shine, shine" their love at her. After her demands are met, she retires to her dressing room, where an eager Manny (Alan Hale, Jr.), her manager, awaits with news of glowing reviews for the show she just finished(?). Michelle gets a call informing her what happened to her brother. Plans are made to go see him and find out what she can do.

After (possibly) visiting her injured brother, Michelle meets up with April (Jacqulin Cole), who is Bobby's teacher and the person who contacted Michelle. April explains that drugs are becoming a problem in Los Angeles (we know...shocking), but she has a plan to stop this particular gang of dealers, because she somehow found the ranch where the drugs are manufactured and sketched out a rough drawing of the place's layout. She wants to hit the drug dealers' supplier and stop them. Michelle is into the idea, but she thinks they'll need more people to help them. So off they go...

That punk bitch Charlie only had three angels.

First, they meet Terry (Sylvia Anderson), a giant stunt woman who knows how to use weapons, drive, and shoot. The next member is Kako (Lieu Chinh), a martial arts master and possible actual ninja. On to Maria, a fashion model who carries brass knuckles and mace in her purse. She brings in Elaine (Robin Greer), a cop who has been on the case of this drug dealer for some time. Rounding out the group is Trish, (Liza Greer) one of April's students, who forces her way into their group by way of whining and sneaking around.

Now that they have their team, a plan is put into place, the first step being purchasing a van from car salesman and Green Acres connection Pat Butram, which seems simple enough. They shake their goodies at him while he eye-humps them, and they drive away with the perfect vehicle. Check.

"Y'all got any of them 'vaginas' I been hearin' so much about?"

Step two involves stealing guns and ammo from "far Right" militia leader Cmdr. Lindsey March (Jim Backus). To do this, Maria, with Terry as her limo driver, visits the compound under the guise of a rich widow who wants to donate a lot of money to their cause. March and a few of his doughy militiamen take them on a tour of the grounds, giving them a good idea of the layout and where to find the weapons. That night, the entire group sneaks into the compound in high-heeled boots and bright white jumpsuits, stealing the necessary weapons and ammo out of the compound over a tightrope, because reasons. Check.

Step three is montage time! Now that they have the equipment they need, Terry commences to modifying the van with weapons and armor, while Elaine teaches the rest how to shoot bottles with a pistol. And while that might seem like a good starting point, one has to wonder how effective it would be if the bottles were shooting back. At any rate, the van is finished, including a gun turret and a side-mounted rocket launcher, and everybody is sufficiently trained to kill bottles, so they finish the montage by putting on their jumpsuits and posing for, like, an uncomfortable amount of time before that scene ends.

How far you have fallen, Mr. Howell.

Step four is a bit more complicated, because they have to find out where the drugs are being delivered and stopping that route. Fortunately, it turns out Maria is a former junkie who happens to know Sticks. They find him at a gas station and kidnap him, taking him back tot heir secret hideout so they can interrogate him using time-worm methods such as threatening to cut his junk off with Kako's Samurai sword. Fortunately, Sticks realizes they aren't kidding, and he gives up the info. They stick him in a closet or something, and they take off to the beach, because that gives them an opportunity to bounce around in bikinis and use their sexual wiles to confuse and capture the guys who are supposed to pick up the drugs that are being delivered, which is exactly what happens. April and Elaine steal their clothes and show up for the delivery, only to be spotted when April accidentally knocks off Elaine's hat. The guys in the boats who tie the drugs to a fishing line see them and head toward the shore to, we dunno, kill them? But it doesn't go the way the men think it will, and they get their asses handed to them quite quickly. The women take the drugs to Elaine's boss (Neville Brand), who calls them "broads" a lot and tells him he can't help them if they get caught doing what they do. Check.

Farrell, meanwhile, goes to see his boss, Burke (Peter Lawford), to tell him that Sticks has gone missing. Burke tells Farrell to go find him and make sure he's still on their side. If not, he knows what to do.

Back at their headquarters, the women try to decide what to do with Sticks. Do they kill him or let him go? After voting, they decide to let him live, but only if he gets out of town and never comes back. He agrees and heads home to pack. As he's leaving his apartment, Farrell shows up, chasing him up to the top of the building, where Sticks falls off and dies.

Suck it, Mr. T and the rest of the A-Team!

Oblivious to this, the women prepare to hit the drug compound for the final step in their plan. The plan is, Michelle will take out the tower guard, Maria will pretend to be lost and distract the guards (she shows up in an evening dress and high heels, claiming she was out for a walk, broke a heel, and got lost), the others will attack in the van, allowing Kako and April to place explosives in the building where the drugs are made, and Terry will drop grenades in the other buildings while Elaine shoots stragglers with the van's turret gun. What could possibly go wrong?

But will it work? Will April's disorganization cause it all to come crumbling down? Will anybody believe Maria's story? Will Will Kako's bloodlust ever be sated? Will Elaine get a promotion for helping take down the city's largest drug cartel? Will Michelle ever get enough love shined down on her? Will Terry ever appear in a scene where some dumb man doesn't say something racist to her? Will Trish's ability to attach herself to flat surfaces like a remora ever come into play?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek loves this film because it's so obviously corny, but still manages to put out the message that women can kick the shit out of rednecks, which is never a had thing.

Larry was a fan, and he is especially entertained by all the love shining that Michelle conveys while still beating down drug dealers and Jack Palance.

So put on your tightest jumpsuit, highest heels, and shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine some love on this week's episode!