Halloween III: Season of the Witch

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One of the great things about the best franchises is memorable characters. Star Wars has Luke, Leia, Han, Darth Vader and dozens of others. Star Trek had Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Indiana Jones had, well, Indiana Jones. You get the idea.

And then there are horror films. The Xenomorph. Freddy Kreuger. The Predator. Jason Voorhees. Pinhead. Michael Myers...

That brings us to this week's movie. After two massive hits from the Halloween franchise, John Carpenter decided, "You know what? Let's blow this wide open! We'll create an interconnected series that focuses on different stories with each installment, which will also be connected to the overall arc of the series! Also, I'm going to let my editor write and direct this one, because someone will have to take the reigns when I die, because it will still be an ongoing thing, I am certain! Also, hand me that bong!" And that's what got us here.

Well...Michael wears a mask, so...

Tom Atkins is Daniel Chalis, a doctor who treats a mysterious man (Al Berry) who ends up in the emergency room in which Chalis works. The man was running away from somewhere and ended up in the gas station run by Walter Jones (Essex Smith -- arguably the true hero of this film), who took him to the hospital.

After the man, who is later identified as Harry Grimbridge and is clutching a rubber pumpkin mask that he refuses to let go of, is treated and given a room, another mysterious man (Dick Warlock) sneaks in and kills him by ripping out his nasal passages. When the nurse (Maidie Norman) catches the man, he runs out, gets in his car, covers himself in gasoline, and sets himself on fire, causing the car he is in to explode before Chalis can get to him.

The next day, a woman named Ellie (Stacey Nelkin) identifies the body of her father and asks Chalis what happened. When Chalis mentions the mask, she tells him that her father sold novelties, and was last heard from before he left for Santa Mira, California. For some reason, he decides they need to investigate immediately, leaving his two children in the care of his ex-wife (Nancy Kyes) so he can traipse off with a woman half his age and play detective. Naturally, his ex is not thrilled.

But he doesn't care, because he's totally gonna blast this chick!

Upon arriving in Santa Mira, where a company called Silver Shamrock Novelties makes latex Halloween masks, among other things, Chalis and Ellie check into a hotel. The hotel clerk tells them that the small town seems to be doing so well because of Silver Shamrock and its owner, Conal Cochran (Dan O'Herlihy). Chalis also learns from the talky clerk that four other people are in town to visit the factory -- Marge Guttman (Garn Stephens) and Buddy Kupfer (Ralph Strait), as well as Kupfer's wife, Betty (Jadeen Barbor), and their son, Little Buddy (Brad Schacter).

That night, Chalis immediately makes a play for Ellie, who is totally into it, leading to a profoundly dull and unsatisfying sex scene that culminates in almost no nudity, with the exception of a way-too-long shot of Chalis's ass. It's not great.

MOVING ON,,,

At the same time, Marge finds a button on the back of the mask she brought with her, and discovers a microchip embedded in the back of it. When she tries to extract it from the button, it shoots lasers into her mouth and kills her rather graphically.

The next day, Marge is found dead, and for once, when Chalis tries to stick his nose into it, he is turned away. So he and Ellie head to the factory along with Buddy and his family, to meet Cochran, who gives them a tour of the facility. During the tour, Little Buddy demands a mask, and Cochran gives him a finished one, then asks the Kupfer family to come watch a few commercials and offer their opinions. Chalis and Ellie are sent on their way, but there is almost trouble when Ellie spots her father's station wagon in one of the factory's warehouses. Chalis convinces her to let it go for now, because he intends to go back at night and have a look around.

The Kupfers are ushered into a room, and Little Buddy puts on his new mask as the commercial starts playing on a television. Buddy complains that it's the same thing, but Little Buddy has a stronger reaction; he shakes, then falls down as his head rots, letting out bugs and snakes, one of which bites Buddy and kills him. Betty also dies, but it is unclear why, aside from screaming to death...?

And that, children, is the real reason Oz the Great and Powerful gained control.

That night, when Chalis goes out to try making a phone call, he stops at the liquor store and, on his way back to the motel, runs across a hobo who wants Chalis to share his booze. After a bit of drinking and talking, Chalis leaves, and the homeless guy is accosted by the same guys in suits who were chasing Ellie's father, and they pull his head off. It's gross.

Upon returning to the motel, Chalis discovers Ellie missing, and he heads to the Silver Shamrock factory to find her. He sneaks in, calls home, and is captured almost immediately. But not before he fights one of the suit guys, punching a hole in him, only to discover it is a robot filled with delicious chicken gravy.

Almost everyone in this photo is brimming with gravy. Including Tom Atkins.

Cochran's other gravy-bots tie Chalis to a chair in a room so Cochran can do the standard bad guy thing and reveak his plan before leaving Chalis alone and unattended. It's a convoluted story involving a piece of Stonehenge and some witchcraft because Cochran is a wizard, and using the Stonehenge stone to make kids' heads explode with bugs and snakes because...Ug...Well, we're not exactly sure. Maybe he's just an asshole. He then puts a mask on Chalis and turns a TV on that will show the commercial.

Will Chalis escape? Or will Cochran follow through with his plan and kill all of the children everywhere? And what about Ellie? And why the gravy? Also, WHERE THE HELL IS MICHAEL MYERS?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry loves this movie. He does, however, feel like it would have been easier for others to like if it wasn't labelled as part of the Halloween franchise. He also enjoyed the kills a lot, and wished there had been more.

Derek thought this was a stupid movie. Seriously, what the hell was the point? The plot was wafer-thin, and Chalis being some sort of sexual dynamo and master detective, despite appearing to be a middle-aged, divorced doctor, doesn't make sense.

Jake is somewhere in between. As a John Carpenter fan, he feels obligated to stick up for him, but eventually he has to admit that it's not Carpenter's best idea, and should probably have been a Tales from the Crypt movie instead.

So fill your head with snakes and bugs, put on your favorite Don Post mask (he made the masks in the movie), and tune in to the latest episode!