Angels' Brigade

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The seventies were an interesting time, especially for movies and television. Blaxploitation films were exactly as awful as the genre's name implies, although it brought some amazingly talented actors to the attention of moviegoers who might otherwise not have heard of them. On television, shows such as Good Times and What's Happening gave suburban white people a chance to see some incredible acting and comedy, as well as storytelling showing the kind of garbage black people had to put up with from super racist white guys like Archie Bunker. Disco was a thing that happened, causing movies like You Can't Stop the Music (starring Bruce Jenner and the Village People!) and Saturday Night Fever to happen to unsuspecting audiences, as well as TV shows like Solid Gold  and Dance Fever.

And then there was a growing number of female-centric movies which showed viewers that women could kick as much ass as any men, and still look fabulous doing it! Everybody knows Charlie's Angels and The Bionic Woman. But not as many know about this week's movie, Angels' Brigade (aka Angels' Revenge), which tries to be something sort of...well, we're not exactly sure.

Bobby Wilson (Mike Gugliotta) is a punk kid who is addicted to some sort of vague narcotic, possibly PCP. He tries to pantomime to his drug dealer, Sticks (Darby Hinton), that he needs a fix, even offering a stolen watch as payment. When Sticks refuses, Bobby wordlessly clocks Sticks with a beer bottle and steals his product. Almost immediately, Sticks's...supervisor (we're not sure how drug cartels work), Mike Farrell (Jack Palance), arrives and they give chase, cornering Bobby and beating the ever-loving snot out of him.

He will punch you just because.

Elsewhere, Michelle Wilson (Susan Kiger), Bobby's older sister, is singing disco songs at Arthur Godfrey and an enthusiastic crowd, demanding that they "shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shiine, shine, shine" their love at her. After her demands are met, she retires to her dressing room, where an eager Manny (Alan Hale, Jr.), her manager, awaits with news of glowing reviews for the show she just finished(?). Michelle gets a call informing her what happened to her brother. Plans are made to go see him and find out what she can do.

After (possibly) visiting her injured brother, Michelle meets up with April (Jacqulin Cole), who is Bobby's teacher and the person who contacted Michelle. April explains that drugs are becoming a problem in Los Angeles (we know...shocking), but she has a plan to stop this particular gang of dealers, because she somehow found the ranch where the drugs are manufactured and sketched out a rough drawing of the place's layout. She wants to hit the drug dealers' supplier and stop them. Michelle is into the idea, but she thinks they'll need more people to help them. So off they go...

That punk bitch Charlie only had three angels.

First, they meet Terry (Sylvia Anderson), a giant stunt woman who knows how to use weapons, drive, and shoot. The next member is Kako (Lieu Chinh), a martial arts master and possible actual ninja. On to Maria, a fashion model who carries brass knuckles and mace in her purse. She brings in Elaine (Robin Greer), a cop who has been on the case of this drug dealer for some time. Rounding out the group is Trish, (Liza Greer) one of April's students, who forces her way into their group by way of whining and sneaking around.

Now that they have their team, a plan is put into place, the first step being purchasing a van from car salesman and Green Acres connection Pat Butram, which seems simple enough. They shake their goodies at him while he eye-humps them, and they drive away with the perfect vehicle. Check.

"Y'all got any of them 'vaginas' I been hearin' so much about?"

Step two involves stealing guns and ammo from "far Right" militia leader Cmdr. Lindsey March (Jim Backus). To do this, Maria, with Terry as her limo driver, visits the compound under the guise of a rich widow who wants to donate a lot of money to their cause. March and a few of his doughy militiamen take them on a tour of the grounds, giving them a good idea of the layout and where to find the weapons. That night, the entire group sneaks into the compound in high-heeled boots and bright white jumpsuits, stealing the necessary weapons and ammo out of the compound over a tightrope, because reasons. Check.

Step three is montage time! Now that they have the equipment they need, Terry commences to modifying the van with weapons and armor, while Elaine teaches the rest how to shoot bottles with a pistol. And while that might seem like a good starting point, one has to wonder how effective it would be if the bottles were shooting back. At any rate, the van is finished, including a gun turret and a side-mounted rocket launcher, and everybody is sufficiently trained to kill bottles, so they finish the montage by putting on their jumpsuits and posing for, like, an uncomfortable amount of time before that scene ends.

How far you have fallen, Mr. Howell.

Step four is a bit more complicated, because they have to find out where the drugs are being delivered and stopping that route. Fortunately, it turns out Maria is a former junkie who happens to know Sticks. They find him at a gas station and kidnap him, taking him back tot heir secret hideout so they can interrogate him using time-worm methods such as threatening to cut his junk off with Kako's Samurai sword. Fortunately, Sticks realizes they aren't kidding, and he gives up the info. They stick him in a closet or something, and they take off to the beach, because that gives them an opportunity to bounce around in bikinis and use their sexual wiles to confuse and capture the guys who are supposed to pick up the drugs that are being delivered, which is exactly what happens. April and Elaine steal their clothes and show up for the delivery, only to be spotted when April accidentally knocks off Elaine's hat. The guys in the boats who tie the drugs to a fishing line see them and head toward the shore to, we dunno, kill them? But it doesn't go the way the men think it will, and they get their asses handed to them quite quickly. The women take the drugs to Elaine's boss (Neville Brand), who calls them "broads" a lot and tells him he can't help them if they get caught doing what they do. Check.

Farrell, meanwhile, goes to see his boss, Burke (Peter Lawford), to tell him that Sticks has gone missing. Burke tells Farrell to go find him and make sure he's still on their side. If not, he knows what to do.

Back at their headquarters, the women try to decide what to do with Sticks. Do they kill him or let him go? After voting, they decide to let him live, but only if he gets out of town and never comes back. He agrees and heads home to pack. As he's leaving his apartment, Farrell shows up, chasing him up to the top of the building, where Sticks falls off and dies.

Suck it, Mr. T and the rest of the A-Team!

Oblivious to this, the women prepare to hit the drug compound for the final step in their plan. The plan is, Michelle will take out the tower guard, Maria will pretend to be lost and distract the guards (she shows up in an evening dress and high heels, claiming she was out for a walk, broke a heel, and got lost), the others will attack in the van, allowing Kako and April to place explosives in the building where the drugs are made, and Terry will drop grenades in the other buildings while Elaine shoots stragglers with the van's turret gun. What could possibly go wrong?

But will it work? Will April's disorganization cause it all to come crumbling down? Will anybody believe Maria's story? Will Will Kako's bloodlust ever be sated? Will Elaine get a promotion for helping take down the city's largest drug cartel? Will Michelle ever get enough love shined down on her? Will Terry ever appear in a scene where some dumb man doesn't say something racist to her? Will Trish's ability to attach herself to flat surfaces like a remora ever come into play?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek loves this film because it's so obviously corny, but still manages to put out the message that women can kick the shit out of rednecks, which is never a had thing.

Larry was a fan, and he is especially entertained by all the love shining that Michelle conveys while still beating down drug dealers and Jack Palance.

So put on your tightest jumpsuit, highest heels, and shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine some love on this week's episode!

Smokin' Aces

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We all love those British gangster movies that have an incredible blend of comedy, action, and straight-up weirdness, don't we? Of course we do. And why wouldn't we? Great acting, lots of humor, and lots of accents that make the gangsters sound like they are way smarter than they are.

For the longest time, the U.S. refused to embrace the weirdness in its gangster films. "Make them dark," they insisted. "The only jokes we want to hear are quips relevant to the way that character dispatched another character." And it stayed that way for millennia. Our only respite on this side of the Atlantic was Quentin Tarantino movies. You might as well just cover yourself in day-after White Castle hate-shits and call it a day.

But then 2006 rolled around, bringing with it a little film with a big cast called Smokin' Aces.

Ryan Reynolds and Ray Liotta are Messner and Carruthers, two FBI agents who discover what they believe is a plot by a dying mob boss, Primo Sparazza (Joseph Ruskin), to kill Buddy "Aces" Israel (Jeremy Piven), a drug addict magician and wannabe crime boss himself. A reward of a million dollars is offered to whomever kills Israel and brings his heart to Sparazza. This draws the attention of two groups and a few lone hitmen.

Are you Mindfreaked yet?!

The first team consists of Georgia Sykes (Alecia Keyes) and Sharice Watters (Taraji P. Henson), who are hired by Sparazza's underboss, Pasquale Acosta (Nestor Cabonell). They are cold, calculating professionals who get the job done quickly and efficiently. Also, Sharice has a thing for Georgia and is constantly trying to convince her that they need to get together.

The second team are the neo-Nazi Tremor brothers, Darwin (Chris Pine), Jeeves (Kevin Durand) and Lester (Maury Sterling). They are incredibly unstable and violent, but surprisingly organized.

Lazlo Soot (Tommy Flanagan), a Hungarian whose real talent is the art of disguise, is a lone hitman. He can make a realistic latex mask in minutes, it seems, and sneak his way into his target's inner circle to make the kill. The other potential killer is believed to be known as "The Swede" (Vladimir Kulich), a mysterious man who is hardly seen.

At the same time, an attorney named Ripley "Rip" Reed (Jason Bateman) is sent by the firm that paid for Israel's bail bond to meet with a team of skip tracers--Jack Dupree (Ben Affleck), "Pistol" Pete Deeks (Peter Berg) and Hollis Elmore (Martin Henderson)--to bring Israel in before his bond is revoked.

These ladies don't have time for fuckery. They've got people to kill!

Is everybody keeping up so far? We hope so, because things are about to get pretty frantic really quick.

Israel's attorney (Curtis Armstrong) is talking with FBI Deputy Director Locke (Andy Garcia), trying to work out a deal for Isreal where he will offer testimony about Sparazza's organization. The attorney contacts Israel to let him know that a deal is possible, but he has to tell the FBI everything. Israel doesn't want to give up the guys in his crew, but after the attorney tells him nothing goes forward if he doesn't turn in everyone, he agrees.

Dupree, Deeks and Hollis make their way to Lake Tahoe and rent some uniforms that match the ones worn at the hotel where Israel is holed-up. As Dupree is explaining their plan in a parking lot not far from the hotel, they are attacked by the Tremor brothers, who shoot the skip tracers and dump their bodies in a nearby lake, What they do not realize, however, is that Elmore is still alive, although he is suffering from hypothermia and has three fingers shot off his left hand. He slowly makes his way to a nearby home, where he is helped by an elderly woman and her young grandson, who suffers from ADHD and keep threatening to use karate on Elmore.

Still more emotive than his performance in Batman v Superman.

At the same time, Sykes and Watters have checked into the hotel across the street, setting up a headquarters with a good view of the penthouse where Israel is staying. Their plan involves Sykes sneaking into Israel's suite with a group of prostitutes and keeping in radio communication with Watters, giving her information about where Israel is so she can shoot him with "Big Mama", her .50 caliber gun that is more than sufficient for the job.

Lazlo Soot has made his way quietly to the hotel, where he gets the drop on one of Israel's men, Hugo Croop (Joel Edgerton), and kills him with a spike through the heart. He then closes Croop's head in a wooden box and fills it with foam latex to make a mold for a mask that will allow him to sneak into Israel's suite.

Acosta also makes his way to the hotel because he wants a crack at Israel, as well. Using a fake FBI I.D., he contacts Bill (Matthew Fox), the head of security, to learn the layout of the hotel and, specifically, the penthouse. He then kills Bill and steals his security uniform.

Not putting up with anybody's shit.

By this time, Messner and Carruthers have made it to Lake Tahoe, but they have split up, with Messner going to investigate the bodies of the skip tracers discovered in the nearby lake, while Carruthers heads directly to the hotel, where he meets up with who he believes to be the head of security, but discovers too late that it is Acosta, and the two of them get into an up-close gunfight in the elevator heading up to Israel's penthouse. Sykes, who is inside the hotel waiting for the group of prostitutes so she can blend in, hears the gunfight and contacts Watters, who tells her to get out of there. At that moment, the elevator opens and she sees Acosta and Carruthers on the floor, riddled with bullet holes and covered in blood. She checks them both and realizes they are both alive, but she thinks they are both FBI, because she found Carruthers's badge, as well as the fake one Acosta had on him. Before she can do much else, Acosta shoots her, also damaging her radio. Watters can't make contact, and she begins to worry.

Messner arrives in time to hear that there was shooting inside the hotel. All of the elevators have been shut down and the hotel put on lockdown. He takes a team up the emergency stairwell to find his partner. A second group, led by Locke, makes their way to Israel's penthouse.

Intellectual giants, the Tremor brothers.

Inside the penthouse, one of Israel's men, Sir Ivy (Common), confronts Israel, telling him he heard the phone conversation with the attorney, and he knows that Israel intends to turn everybody in. He attempts to kill Israel, who injures him with a playing card, allowing Israel time to get away from him. As Ivy is leaving the penthouse, the group with Locke gets there and arrests Ivy. Israel gets a call from his lawyer, telling him that the FBI has suddenly dropped the deal. Now completely unsafe, he prepares to kill himself. But before he can, he passes out from an overdose while Soot watches, no doubt considering himself the luckiest hitman ever.

The Tremor brothers, who were inside an elevator when they shut down, use a portable generator to start it back up, and they make their way to Israel's floor. When they arrive, all hell breaks loose as they attack the FBI team.

Messner's team, meanwhile, has surrounded the elevator with Acosta, Carruthers and Sykes in it, and a shootout ensues when Messner sees his partner dead. Watters, watching through her rifle's scope, sees a dead prostitute dressed similarly to Sykes, and assumes it is her, causing Watters to start firing at the FBI agents. Bodies go flying everywhere!

But what about Israel? Will Soot get his heart for Sparazza? Will Ivy, who sneaked away as the Tremors came out of the elevator, survive? What about Sykes? Will she get out of her elevator alive? Or will Watters accidentally kill her for real with her rage-shooting? And where's Hollis in all this? And finally, what, in general, the hell?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake picked this one, and he really likes it. He compares it favorably to Tarantino's style of film, and adds that the cast is phenomenal. If he had one complaint, it would be the inconsistency of the overall look of the film.

Larry also digs it, especially Chris Pine's wackjob of a character. There is a specific scene with Ben Affleck (see the GIF with him in it) that makes him giggle uncontrollably. This is not a bad thing, and he doesn't even care if it was.

Derek is a fan, and he is also somewhat angry that he never picked it up all those times he saw it at the video store. Live and learn, we guess. His one complaint was a lack of closure with a couple of the characters.

So get your deck of trick playing cards, put on some gaudy sunglasses, and check out this week's episode!

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

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One of the great things about the best franchises is memorable characters. Star Wars has Luke, Leia, Han, Darth Vader and dozens of others. Star Trek had Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Indiana Jones had, well, Indiana Jones. You get the idea.

And then there are horror films. The Xenomorph. Freddy Kreuger. The Predator. Jason Voorhees. Pinhead. Michael Myers...

That brings us to this week's movie. After two massive hits from the Halloween franchise, John Carpenter decided, "You know what? Let's blow this wide open! We'll create an interconnected series that focuses on different stories with each installment, which will also be connected to the overall arc of the series! Also, I'm going to let my editor write and direct this one, because someone will have to take the reigns when I die, because it will still be an ongoing thing, I am certain! Also, hand me that bong!" And that's what got us here.

Well...Michael wears a mask, so...

Tom Atkins is Daniel Chalis, a doctor who treats a mysterious man (Al Berry) who ends up in the emergency room in which Chalis works. The man was running away from somewhere and ended up in the gas station run by Walter Jones (Essex Smith -- arguably the true hero of this film), who took him to the hospital.

After the man, who is later identified as Harry Grimbridge and is clutching a rubber pumpkin mask that he refuses to let go of, is treated and given a room, another mysterious man (Dick Warlock) sneaks in and kills him by ripping out his nasal passages. When the nurse (Maidie Norman) catches the man, he runs out, gets in his car, covers himself in gasoline, and sets himself on fire, causing the car he is in to explode before Chalis can get to him.

The next day, a woman named Ellie (Stacey Nelkin) identifies the body of her father and asks Chalis what happened. When Chalis mentions the mask, she tells him that her father sold novelties, and was last heard from before he left for Santa Mira, California. For some reason, he decides they need to investigate immediately, leaving his two children in the care of his ex-wife (Nancy Kyes) so he can traipse off with a woman half his age and play detective. Naturally, his ex is not thrilled.

But he doesn't care, because he's totally gonna blast this chick!

Upon arriving in Santa Mira, where a company called Silver Shamrock Novelties makes latex Halloween masks, among other things, Chalis and Ellie check into a hotel. The hotel clerk tells them that the small town seems to be doing so well because of Silver Shamrock and its owner, Conal Cochran (Dan O'Herlihy). Chalis also learns from the talky clerk that four other people are in town to visit the factory -- Marge Guttman (Garn Stephens) and Buddy Kupfer (Ralph Strait), as well as Kupfer's wife, Betty (Jadeen Barbor), and their son, Little Buddy (Brad Schacter).

That night, Chalis immediately makes a play for Ellie, who is totally into it, leading to a profoundly dull and unsatisfying sex scene that culminates in almost no nudity, with the exception of a way-too-long shot of Chalis's ass. It's not great.

MOVING ON,,,

At the same time, Marge finds a button on the back of the mask she brought with her, and discovers a microchip embedded in the back of it. When she tries to extract it from the button, it shoots lasers into her mouth and kills her rather graphically.

The next day, Marge is found dead, and for once, when Chalis tries to stick his nose into it, he is turned away. So he and Ellie head to the factory along with Buddy and his family, to meet Cochran, who gives them a tour of the facility. During the tour, Little Buddy demands a mask, and Cochran gives him a finished one, then asks the Kupfer family to come watch a few commercials and offer their opinions. Chalis and Ellie are sent on their way, but there is almost trouble when Ellie spots her father's station wagon in one of the factory's warehouses. Chalis convinces her to let it go for now, because he intends to go back at night and have a look around.

The Kupfers are ushered into a room, and Little Buddy puts on his new mask as the commercial starts playing on a television. Buddy complains that it's the same thing, but Little Buddy has a stronger reaction; he shakes, then falls down as his head rots, letting out bugs and snakes, one of which bites Buddy and kills him. Betty also dies, but it is unclear why, aside from screaming to death...?

And that, children, is the real reason Oz the Great and Powerful gained control.

That night, when Chalis goes out to try making a phone call, he stops at the liquor store and, on his way back to the motel, runs across a hobo who wants Chalis to share his booze. After a bit of drinking and talking, Chalis leaves, and the homeless guy is accosted by the same guys in suits who were chasing Ellie's father, and they pull his head off. It's gross.

Upon returning to the motel, Chalis discovers Ellie missing, and he heads to the Silver Shamrock factory to find her. He sneaks in, calls home, and is captured almost immediately. But not before he fights one of the suit guys, punching a hole in him, only to discover it is a robot filled with delicious chicken gravy.

Almost everyone in this photo is brimming with gravy. Including Tom Atkins.

Cochran's other gravy-bots tie Chalis to a chair in a room so Cochran can do the standard bad guy thing and reveak his plan before leaving Chalis alone and unattended. It's a convoluted story involving a piece of Stonehenge and some witchcraft because Cochran is a wizard, and using the Stonehenge stone to make kids' heads explode with bugs and snakes because...Ug...Well, we're not exactly sure. Maybe he's just an asshole. He then puts a mask on Chalis and turns a TV on that will show the commercial.

Will Chalis escape? Or will Cochran follow through with his plan and kill all of the children everywhere? And what about Ellie? And why the gravy? Also, WHERE THE HELL IS MICHAEL MYERS?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry loves this movie. He does, however, feel like it would have been easier for others to like if it wasn't labelled as part of the Halloween franchise. He also enjoyed the kills a lot, and wished there had been more.

Derek thought this was a stupid movie. Seriously, what the hell was the point? The plot was wafer-thin, and Chalis being some sort of sexual dynamo and master detective, despite appearing to be a middle-aged, divorced doctor, doesn't make sense.

Jake is somewhere in between. As a John Carpenter fan, he feels obligated to stick up for him, but eventually he has to admit that it's not Carpenter's best idea, and should probably have been a Tales from the Crypt movie instead.

So fill your head with snakes and bugs, put on your favorite Don Post mask (he made the masks in the movie), and tune in to the latest episode!

Dog Soldiers

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Werewolves. They can be real jerks sometimes. Sure, they look like dogs, albeit dogs that walk upright, but they think like humans, which makes them infinitely more dangerous.

Soldiers. Trained in tactical fighting and weapons, as well as hand-to-hand combat and slightly less likely to rip out your entrails than a werewolf might. But still dangerous.

So what happens when one group meets the other? Dog Soldiers is what. It's right up there in the title. Try to keep up.

Anyway, a couple (Craig Conway and Tina Landini) are camping somewhere in Scotland, and the woman gives her...boyfriend? Husband? It is never established, but she gives him a silver dagger that looks like a letter opener one might find at an antique store. Duly aroused by precious metal weaponry, the couple get down to business. And by "business," we mean nasty, filthy sex. At least, they would have, had the woman not been dragged out of their tent by her feet and bother she and her male companion person murdered like crazy by...something.

A few hours before, a soldier, Cooper (Kevin McKidd), is trying out for some sort of Special Forces group by evading capture. When he is finally found, the group's leader, Capt. Ryan (angry David Gilmour stand-in Liam Cunningham), tells Cooper he did well, but he has to kill the dog that they were hunting him with. When Cooper refuses, insults are traded, and it is pretty clear that he is not the kind of soldier they were looking for.

Spot the Special Forces guy!.

Jumping four weeks ahead from our flashback of a couple hours before the opening of the movie (still following?), a group of soldiers, including Cooper, are airdropped into the woods of Scotland to do an exercise against the Special Forces guys. Armed with blanks-shooting guns, they head out, only to discover the Special Forces' campsite, which is covered in the remains of the Special Forces guys.

They do find one survivor, however: Capt. Ryan, who is alive, but wounded with large scratches across his torso. He's pretty vague about what happened, and nobody is happy about it. Despite Cooper's lack of sympathy for Ryan, they treat the wounds and collect weapons from the site that fire actual real bullets. As they're trying to make their way out of the forest, they realize they are being followed, and a few men are sent out to see who it is. It doesn't go well, and one of the men, Cpl. Bruce Campbell (Thomas Lockyer) is accosted by something, impaling himself on a tree as he runs away. The group's leader, Sgt. Wells (Sean Pertwee) is also attacked, but he gets away with a few scratches, similar to Ryan. The others get him and they move on, still being pursued.

Oh, good...She's a shutterbug!

A Land Rover almost runs over one of them, and the driver, Megan (Emma Cleasby), has them get in just in time, as one of the creatures following them attacks the truck, punching through the top and trying to grab anyone it can. They manage to get it off the truck and Megan drives them to a house in the middle of nowhere.They take Ryan and Wells inside, and Cooper and the others (Darren Morfitt as Spoon, Chris Robson as Joe and Leslie Simpson as Terry) take up posts inside to make sure they're safe.

As it gets darker, they see that the house is being surrounded by these creatures, and they decide the prudent move would be to get out of there before they close in. They try to get into the Land Rover, but the creatures have destroyed its engine, so they are trapped.

No, you hit them on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

Terry is taken as they fight with the now-identified werewolves, and the others barely make it past the first attack. But then Megan suddenly remembers that she keeps another Land Rover out in the barn of this house that she tells them is not hers. A plan is devised for Spoon to draw the werewolves away from the house until Joe can get to the barn and get the truck. It works, sort of, and when Joe gets in the truck, he turns on the lights and sees one of the werewolves in the process of eating Terry. Freaked out, he hot-wires the truck and backs through a wall, pulling up to the front of the house, only to discover that there is another werewolf in the back seat. It does not end well, but Joe was gung ho about going out with a fight!

The others come out of the house, unaware of Joe's fate, only to find out in the most gooey way possible: they open the door and Joe's guts come sliding out onto the ground.

Once again vehicle-less, they retreat back to the house and start asking Ryan more questions. At first, he's not particularly forthcoming with details, but he eventually explains that the soldiers were meant as bait, and the Special Forces guys were supposed to capture the werewolf they believed was terrorizing the countryside. What they did not count on was that there were more than one. Cooper and Wells are not happy, and they intend to kill Ryan, but then he turns into a werewolf (remember his wounds?), and escapes.

Sadly, those are not Angry David Gilmour's intestines. He was a jerk.

Megan tells the guys that the werewolves must be hiding in the barn, so a plan is hatched to blow it up. The fuel line to the Joe-covered Land Rover is cut, and the back is filled with gas canisters, of which there appear to be dozens in the house for some reason. Cooper drives the truck into the barn and runs out. Spoon fumbles with the matches until Wells comes out with a Molotov cocktail and throws it at the trail of fuel, which ignites and blows up the barn.

The celebration is short-lived, however, when Megan reveals there are no werewolves in the barn; she just wanted to make sure they didn't have a vehicle they could escape in. Oh, and by the way, she is, in fact, also a werewolf, and this is her family's house. Must have slipped her mind.

But what happens next? Will they make it through the might? Or will Megan and her family snack on them all night? And what about the dog? Did we mention there's a dog?

He's a good boy! Yes he is!

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek liked this one. There were elements of a lot of other horror movies, such as Evil Dead, Night of the Living Dead and Jurassic Park. He's still not sure why Luxembourg stood in for Scotland, but he isn't a producer.

Jake picked this movie, and it's pretty clear that he digs it. It's got all the stuff he likes in a horror flick, aside from Nazis. (To clarify: Jake DOES NOT like Nazis. But he thinks they are perfect werewolf fodder, and they never win in the end!)

Larry enjoyed the movie, as well. Although he points out that a lot of it is predictable, it's still a fun watch. For a change, he seemed pretty happy about the gore level in this one. There was a lot of blood and guts. The movie felt sticky,

So get some silver, lock the doors and cover the windows, and check out this week's episode!

Garbage Pail Kids

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Sometimes, a good idea can come from the weirdest places. An apple falls on your head, and you hypothesize the existence of gravity. Your grandfather suggests pickles on your peanut butter sandwich, and you suddenly have one of the greatest sandwiches of all time. Someone gives Tim Burton a bunch of old Topps trading cards, and you end up with a classic movie like Mars Attacks!!!.

And then there's the other side of the coin; pineapple on pizza, the Flat Earth Society, and, in the realm of trading card-based franchises, Garbage Pail Kids.

Someone, somewhere sat down one day, looked at the ongoing popularity of the long-running Topps sicker card collection and thought, "What the world needs now is a live-action version of these monstrosities (based on Cabbage Patch Kids and covered in all sorts of gross effluvia)! What big names can we get to star in it?"

The answer, of course, was Anthony Newley, the real-life brother of Mikey from The Goonies (not Josh Brolin), that kid's girlfriend, and to play the title characters, some of the best-known "little people" actors Hollywood had to offer, for the right price. (Phil Fondacaro, Debbie Lee Carrington, Kevin Thompson, Arturo Gil.)

Mackenzie Astin (son of John, brother of Sean) "stars" as Dodger, a possibly homeless boy who works for antique store owner Captain Manzini (Newley), who pays him in baths and inappropriate clothes. Because of the odd payment arrangement, Dodger has to make money somehow, and whatever it is (it is never made clear) puts him in the path of an 80s-style thug named Juice (Ron MacLachlan) and his two toadies, Wally (J.P. Amateau) and Blythe (Marjory Graue). Adding to Dodger's problems is his unrequited love for Juice's girlfriend, the inexplicably-named Tangerine (Katie Barberi), who dreams of becoming a fashion designer.

These are what the 80s insisted we thought of as "toughs".

One day, while Juice and his gang are searching for Dodger, they come into Manzini's shop and knock over a garbage can, which starts spilling green goo on the floor. Somehow, that goo turns into a group of large-headed hellbeasts, and Dodger immediately takes to them, and they to him. Manzini is furious that they got out of their garbage can (we refuse to call it a "pail"), so he forces Dodger to bathe in front of them and sets to finding a spell to get them back into it. Oh! Did we forget to mention that Manzini is some kind of low-budget sorcerer? Because he is. Sort of.

This feels illegal to even look at.

In the meantime, the Garbage Pail Kids begin searching the city for more of their own kind. Their search proves fruitless, but they do discover the dark side of the town they are in. There's a state-run Home for the Ugly where they suspect some of their friends might be, but they can't risk capture by going there. So they go to the local biker bar instead. (Did we mention this is a kids' movie?) Once there, they start being gross, and one of them, Ali Gator (Thompson) starts a fight by trying to eat one of the bikers' toes. It's kind of Ali's thing. The end result of the fight is that the bikers accept them for who they are, and then the Kids leave and steal a couple of trucks full of snacks and soda, almost killing Juice in the process. In this movie for children.

Hardened criminals, all of them.

Also in this movie for pre-teens, Dodger is doing everything he can to get Tangerine to give up her goodies to him, despite the fact that he is only fourteen and Avocado is currently allotting said goodies to the much older Juice. One such attempt involves getting the Kids to make a bunch of clothes--did we mention that, along with being gross, hellish trolls, they are also talented clothing designers?--for Pomegranate to sell outside of the local dance club at closing time, as your average fashion designer does.

These are the kinds of clothes mutant children who have had a stroke design.

Impressed with the clothes, Tangelo decides that she needs to have a fashion show at the local mall, where she will take credit for the designs by unpaid child laborers. In this movie that was intended for kids. And Dodger is all about it because of the potential viewing (and possible touching!) of Grapefruit's breasts. (Still watching, kids?)

It's You Can't Stop the Music!, but without music. For kids.

Again, the Kids agree, but demand food this time, and finish most of the outfits within hours while Dodger buys cereal for them. When he goes to see Musk Melon to let her know the clothes are done, the Kids follow him, allowing Cantaloupe to see them. After a little fear pee, she takes over supervision of the clothing prep, and, when they are finished and the fashion show is organized, tells Juice and the others about the Kids so they can capture them and take them to the State Home for the Ugly, which they do while Dodger and Blackberry get the show rolling.

But will the Kids escape? Will Dragonfruit realize Juice is a bucket of turds and turn to Dodger to comfort her? Will Manzini figure out how to get the Kids back int he trash can they belong in? Is this whole movie some sort of pro-abortion metaphor? You'll have to listen to find out! (And really, that's the only way you should find out. Don't watch the movie. Don't even Google it because you might accidentally see an image from it. It's not worth the risk.)

Derek regrets many things in life, but none as much as choosing this movie. He is so very, very sorry. So very sorry. Please forgive him. Can he make you a sandwich or something to make up for it?

Larry was super excited to watch this with the others that he demanded they wait until they could all be together. There is something really wrong with that guy. But not so much that he did hate the movie. He did.

Jake was an innocent victim, caught between Larry's enthusiasm and Derek's hubris. Pity him. He had no other choice. If you have Derek make a sandwich, maybe have him give it to Jake to make him feel better.

So...uh...You know what? No cutesy crap or movie reference puns. Just listen to the show. You'll understand why.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

To listen/download, click here!

In case you weren't aware, we love bad movies. And our access to them was largely because of weekend monster movie shows. In Detroit we had The Ghoul and Sir Graves Ghastly to feed our B-movie hunger. But there were and are others; MST3K, Joe Bob Briggs, Ghoulardi and, of course, Elvira, to name but a few.

But only one of them made it to the big screen (before Mystery Science Theater 3000, that is), and that's the movie we watched this time around.

Let's get this out of the way right of the bat: Elvira (Cassandra Peterson) has a healthy set of breasts. They features prominently in her television show, and they are a large part of the conflict during the movie. Specifically, how much all the guys want to see and touch them, and how much all the other women are threatened by them. Oh, sure, you could argue that the main plot is about Elvira's Uncle Vincent (William Morgan Sheppard) trying to get her late Aunt Morgana's cookbook/spellbook from her, but they would be wrong. The main storyline here is Elvira's boobs, and how many different ways they can be exploited on film.

Anyway...

Elvira is tired of starring in a nationally televised program where she gets to lounge on a couch and show B-movies. What she really wants to do is go to Las Vegas and shake her goodies for the adoring up-and-coming goth crowd there. (That was a thing in 1988, right?) Unfortunately, she needs moolah to make that happen, because the hotel that wants to book her is insisting she pay for all the set decoration and whatnot up front for some reason. However, she has only the salary from her wildly successful show, and can't afford the cost of set design. Fortunately(?) her aunt picks just the right time to kick the bucket, and it turns out Elvira was named in the will! So she scuttles off the Falwell, Massachusetts, to see what her aunt left her.

Upon arriving in town, everyone is giving her the stink eye because she has her bountiful sweater puppies on display (as much as one can in a PG-13 movie, anyway), and they immediately take an intense dislike to her. Not nearly as much of a dislike as her Uncle Vincent does when she arrives at the reading of the will. Morgana left five thousand dollars to both her maid and chauffeur, and the rest of her belongings, including a dog name Algonquin and a run-down house in Falwell, to Elvira. Vincent gets nothing at all, and he is not at all happy about it. He does, however, know about Morgana's book, and he wants it for his own nefarious purposes. He offers Elvira fifty dollars for it, and she accepts, telling him to come by and pick it up later.

He seems delightful!

Back in town, Elvira immediately angers the town council by being, you know...hot. This causes friction between her and them, but the teenage boys in town are big fans, as is the young girl whose elderly parents own the local motel. They all offer to help her repair the house so she can sell it and use the money to get to Las Vegas and do her show. She also befriends Bob (Daniel Greene), the slow-witted owner of the local movie house. He is the only man in town to whom she is willing to give up access to her goods, despite what the town council might think.

Vincent stops by to get the book, but the dog, now affectionately referred to as "Gonks," hides it so she can't find it. She tells Vincent she will find it and get it to him as soon as she can. He huffs and snorts before leaving.

Subtlety at its best!

After the repairs are done, Elvira needs to find a job until she can sell the place, but nobody in town will hire her, largely due to the reach of Chastity Pariah (Edie McClurg) and Bob's "sorta" girlfriend Patty (Susan Kellerman). So she makes a plan with Bob to do a live show at his theater, where she'll show a movie and entertain the kids. The kids' parents have other ideas, and they push the school to give detention to anybody who attends.

The night of the show, Elvira goes to the local bowling alley, where the kids hang out, and guilts them into going to her show. She also takes a quit minute to punch Patty's tits right off, giving one confused teenage boy a lot to think about.

This movie is not ONLY about her br--...Oh...

The show is a massive success, as she screens Attack of the Killer Tomatoes for the crowd, and then performs a Flashdance-style dance routine, ending it what was supposed to be a bucket of gold glitter being dumped on her. A vengeful Patty, however, switches the bucket out with one full of black paint, and a slightly less icky Carrie-esque moment occurs when Elvira is covered head-to-toe in paint.

Later that evening, Elvira washes all the paint off and then throws herself at Bob, who seems shocked and a little horrified at the idea of touching a lady, but he gives it a try, and it seems to be going well until Elvira finds the book stashed under a couch cushion. She offers to make dinner from the recipe book and sets about putting it together. It all seems to be going well until she lifts the lid to stir it, and then a murderous Muppet tries to kill her, leading to a Gremlins-like kitchen battle ending with the Muppet ground to bits in the garbage disposal. She and Bob then follow Gonks up to the attic, where they find a box with a letter from Aunt Morgana, explaining where Elvira came from, as well as the origin of the ring she always wears. It turns out that it's magic!

Okay, that might be a bit of pandering.

The next day, during a town picnic, Elvira remakes the dish from the night before, but substituting one of the ingredients. It does not get the expected result, instead making all the old people horny, and causing a gross, wrinkly orgy right in the middle of the park, with the town's horrified teenagers looking on in terror as Chastity tries to sit on someone's face. In this PG-13 movie. Really.

Suitably disgusted with themselves and each other, the town council gets together to point fingers at the cause, and Vincent is there to help them along, pointing out a law on the state's books prohibiting witchcraft and spellcasting, and suggesting Elvira has been up to both. So the townspeople gather up their pitchforks and torches to capture Elvira. Their plan: burn her at the stake, just like the old days.

Oh, for crying out loud...

Will she escape with the help of a small group of scrappy, intelligent kids? Or will Vincent get the book? Will Gonks play any part in this? Will Elvira make it Las Vegas? Also, "titboobs"?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek is shocked at the number of blowjob jokes in this, again, PG-13 movie. He is unsure what the teenager with the Sally Jessie Raphael glasses is, gender-wise. No judgments or anything. He just wants some clarification, is all. And, again, "titboobs"?

Larry loves this film. He wishes it was more horror than comedy, but the comedy that is in there is right up his alley. He is also confused about "titboobs," even though he is the one who coined the word. No doubt, there will be further investigation.

Jake makes a good point about wanting the humor to more more like the unintentional kind you might find in a B-movie. He thinks this was sanitized too much to make it anything special. He also has a much better idea for the kind of movie Elvira needs to be in.

So put on your wig, throw on a tight corset with a spider motif, and listen this week's episode!

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

To listen/download, click here!

We at Here Be Spoilers have long argued that musicians trying to act is rarely, if ever, a good idea. Take, for instance, the entire film oeuvre of Elvis. Blech. It's garbage.

There are a few exceptions to the rule. Eminem in 8 Mile, for instance, although he is really just playing himself, so it's iffy, at best. There's also Prince. For the record, we're all Prince fans here, and it's hard to deny that he had an amazing ability to draw people in, and Purple Rain was an amazing film which, like 8 Mile, was semi-autobiographical, so it barely counts as acting. Really, it's the movie's soundtrack that is the major draw.

But if you want a perfect representation of our argument that musicians shouldn't act, you have to travel all the way back to 1978, and the musical film Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, which features a storyline very loosely based on the Beatles' album of the same name, plus one or two of their other songs.

Heartland is a tiny town in Middle America where there are white picket fences everywhere, everything is wholesome and the people are the friendliest. Hell, even the town's mayor(?), Mr. Kite, is played by George freakin' Burns, who also acts as the narrator of this movie.

The town's big claim to fame is, of course, Sgt. Pepper and his world-famous Lonely Hearts Club Band, which was solely responsible for ending both World Wars I and II. The stock market crash, the New Deal, Korea, Vietnam, the hippie movement...The band played on. Until one day, while performing in the town square, Sgt. Pepper dropped dead. It was a sad period, and the town did its best to find someone to become the new Lonely Hearts Club Band.

The best option...of whoever was available.

For reasons that will never become clear, they chose Billy Shears (Peter Frampton) and his best friends from childhood, the Henderson brothers, Mark (Barry Gibb), Dave (Robin Gibb) and Bob (Maurice Gibb), to take up the mantle and make the town famous again. Billy's brother, Dougie (Paul Nicholas), takes on the mantle of the band's manager, and Billy's girlfriend, Strawberry Fields (Sandy Farina), takes it upon herself to look alternately bored and sad.

A man from a Big Record Company (Donald Pleasence as B.D. Hoffler) hears the band's music and wants to make them hugely famous, which, according to the movie, will take about a week. And what a busy week it will be!

The band whisks themselves away in a hot air balloon, which gets hit by a jet, and it takes them to Hollywood, where they begin a whirlwind of activity, starting with a party involving lots of booze, lots of food, and lots of women rubbing their tits against Billy and the Hendersons. The Henderson boys sign their contracts without even taking their eyes off the women. Billy takes a particular interest in Lucy (Dianne Steinberg), who is one of Hoffler's acts and, for some reason, his chauffeur. Lucy slips Billy a roofie and gets him to sign Hoffler's contract, and then they head to the Bone Zone on a bed shaped like a record.

Mustard accidentally pressed the "Robo-Colonic" button.

The next day begins a flurry of activity, as the band heads to the studio to record their first album. Back in Heartland, a van rolls into town carrying Mr. Mustard (Frankie Howard) and his assistant, The Brute (Carel Struycken). They have been sent their by a mysterious organization called the FVB, to steal Sgt. Pepper and his band's instruments, which will somehow send the town careening into the darkest pits of hell. Or something. This involves a lot of people moving and a bunch of strip clubs popping up out of nowhere.

Once Mustard steals the instruments, the FVB orders him to send to instruments to different locations, which he does, keeping the bass drum for himself. Strawberry, disheartened at how things are going in town, as well as missing Billy, sneaks out of her parents' house and gets on a bus to Hollywood to find him. Mustard, who was looking for a chance to grab her, misses this because he is sleeping, despite his weird sex robots trying to wake him.

For the record, this is not his special purpose.

Back in the big city--possibly the next day, the band goes on tour with Lucy and her group, The Diamonds (Stargard). They become an instant smash hit, and everybody loves them. So the obvious move is to go back into the studio and make another album. (Please note, this is the second album in two or three days!) Strawberry, who has reached Hollywood in record time, suffers a hallucination about Billy and his friends banging Lucy and her group, and then goes searching for the band, which she finds within minutes, and just wanders into the studio to interrupt recording without so much as a single person asking her, "Who are you and why are you here?". Billy, super-psyched to see Strawberry, drags the band out of the studio to talk to her, and she tells them about the instruments being stolen. They all decide to do a Scooby-Doo style investigation.

Upon leaving the studio, Strawberry and the band discover Mustard's van outside. It seems he actually did figure out where Strawberry went. They get inside the van, which is empty aside from the sex robots, and find the bass drum. A bit of dicking around with the computer shows them where the other instruments are, and they head out to find them.

The disembodied head of Frank Zappa commands you to DANCE!

First stop is Dr. Maxwell Edison's (Steve Martin) plastic surgery factory. He has Sgt. Pepper's coronet, and the group quickly gets it back. Not quick enough, however, to avoid Steve Martin singing a Beatles song. Off to the next stop, which is the Church of Sun King (Alice Cooper), who also sings a song at the viewer, but he adds psychedelic video effects. it doesn't help. From him, they re-steal the tuba. While doing that, Billy is almost electrocuted to death, but he is brought back to life with the help of the sex robots and Strawberry's tears, because why should that be the only thing that makes any sense?

The band then sneaks into FVB headquarters and steals back the saxophone, and then they head back home, where the town celebrates their return. Mr. Mustard also comes back to town, and he kidnaps Strawberry, taking her back to FVB, setting up a showdown between Billy and his bad, and the mysterious FVB itself (Aerosmith). But who will win? Will they all survive? If not, will it be Billy's fault? Will the Henderson boys ever stop mugging for the camera? Will Mr. Kite truly rock out, showing the town they should have picked him to lead the band instead?

Way too stoned to have realized this was a bad idea.

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry, surprisingly, liked the movie. His only complaint was that there was almost no dialog at all, other than Mr. Kite's narration. Otherwise, he feels that this film is flawless. Or not, because of Star Wars sounds. It's hard to explain, really.

Derek has all kinds of problems with this movie, from the terrible musical arrangements, to the "middle American" heroes who are, clearly, not from America. Also, what's with Mustard's robots? And why is Billy such an idiot? God, this movie sucked.

So don't do anything special. It's not worth it. the movie is crap. Just listen this week's episode!

Brotherhood of the Wolf

To listen/download, click here!

Let's get this out of the way up front: French cinema can be pretty weird. From their excessively artsy films, to their seemingly bizarre obsession with Jerry Lewis, the French can really make some strange cinematic choices.

But once in a while, they put out a film that can appeal to fans of just about any genre, sometimes cramming them all into one film. Brotherhood of the Wolf is one such film.

Billed as a "historical action horror drama," it follows Grégoire de Fronsac (Samuel Le Bihan) and his Iroquois blood brother Mani (Mark Dacascos), as they travel to the French province of Gévaudan to track down a mysterious beast that is killing women and children in the area. All of this is taking place in 1764, during the French Revolution.

On the way to their destination, Fronsac and Mani come across a father and daughter who look like they are being robbed by a number of men, all of whom are dressed like women. The father and daughter claim the men are robbers, but the men insist they are out trying to draw the attention of the monster, as it only attacks women and children. Mani is immediately interested in the daughter, so he takes on several of them cross-dressing men, who are armed with Wolverine-style claws, and he beats them soundly, causing the entire group to run away. With a smirk and smoldering eyes, Fronsac and Mani continue on their way.

And sticks. They have sticks, too. Not that it matters.

Reaching their destination, the Marquis d'Apcher (Hans Meyer) sets the two of them up at the local brothel, where Fronsac is intrigued by an Italian woman there named Sylvia (Monica Bellucci). Later that day, Mani finds more people to fight, and they are again armed with those ridiculous claws. He beats them up again, and a dinner is thrown, where Fronsac meets all the local nobles, and then they convince Mani to tell them what their spirit animals are, although most of them don't take him too seriously. One of the men, Jean-François de Morangias (Vincent Cassel), who lost his arm to a lion during an African safari, asks Mani to identify his spirit animal, but Mani doesn't want to, for some reason.

About the same time, Fronsac meets Jean-François's sister, Marianne (Emile Dequenne), and becomes infatuated with her, despite the fact that she looks like she's maybe fifteen, at best. Jean-François is not too keen on Fronsac plowing his sister (we discover later that it's because he wants to do it himself), but their father, the Count (Jean Yanne), seems cool with it. Weird family.

Probably a metaphor for pre-teen sex or something.

While investigating another victim the next day, Fronsac removes a steel tooth from the body and decides that this is clearly no wolf, as the locals believed. However, this doesn't stop a wolf hunt that just results in a bunch of dead wolves that didn't do anything to anybody. King Louis XV's weapons master (John Leyson) orders Fronsac to taxidermy one of the dead wolves and make it look like a monster so he can bring it back to Paris and tell the king that the whole thing is handled. Fronsac is not into the idea, but he has no choice. After his work is completed, Fronsac is also sent back to Paris.

While trying to work out what the monster actually is, Fronsac connects it to a secret society, Brotherhood of the Wolf. He believes they are using it as a weapon to make the king look bad. When Fronsac receives a letter from Marianne, he sneaks back to  Gévaudan to see her, and they are attacked by the monster, but it doesn't attack Marianne.

Very clearly not a wolf.

Now a little more informed about what they are looking for, Fronsac, Mani and the Marquis go looking for it. They find it and try to trap it, but none of those work. They do manage to injure it quite badly, and Mani follows the trail of blood it leaves, leading to an underground cavern where the soldiers of the secret society--also known as the cross-dressers from the beginning of the movie--fight with Mani again. He beats of them, but them an unseen person shoots Mani int he back, killing him. Fronsac finds his body and takes him back to the Marquis's mansion, where he performs an autopsy, finding a silver bullet--the signature of Jean-François.

Total dick.

Now that he knows who the killer is, Fronsac returns to the cavern and starts killing bad guys. A lot of them. Like, dozens. But then he stops because the new day's sun is coming up, and he has to burn Mani's body, per his people's customs. As he gathers Mani's ashes, the local constable arrives and arrests him.

While in prison, Sylvia visits him, demanding that he be fed. The jailer gives Fronsac some food while Sylvia tells him about what has happened. Fronsac can't pay attention to her, however, because he is busy choking to death.

Nothing but trouble. Hot, sexy trouble.

Or is he? Is Sylvia more than she seems? Is Marianne cool with the guy she totally wants to go to Pound Town with also hitting the Bone Zone with Sylvia? Or will she reconsider her brother's advances? Oh, and we almost forgot; what the heck is the monster?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek liked the movie, but he was not particularly happy with the CG components. The practical monster looked cool, but its digital counterpart was not great. Also, how freakin' old is Marianne? She looks half Fronsac's age. That can't be cool, even in the mid-1700s.

Jake is a fan. He especially likes the fight scenes, as well as the various other action sequences. He's not impressed with the CG monster, either, but he's willing to give it a pass because it's such a good story. He does have some concerns about the whole powdered wig thing, though.

So put on a fake mole, some pantaloons, and get greased up for this week's episode!