UHF (The Lost Episode! Sorta!)

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(A Note from Derek: A few years ago, the guys and I sat down to watch a movie. The recorder was set up after, and we did what we usually do. But something went wrong, and my computer crapped-out, taking the unedited audio file of that particular episode with it. Now, it seems only appropriate that, upon the triumphant return of Larry to the show, we should have a second go at tackling this classic of cinema. So, welcome back, Larry! And welcome back, Lost Episode!)

Oh, the 80s...Such a great time, musically. Hair bands were all the rage, everybody was dressed like they were going to a bondage orgy, and Bob Geldof wanted to feed Africa. Also, an accordion playing parody writer named Al Yankovic was getting some major attention for his songs. It started with recording a few songs in the bathroom across the hall from the college radio station he worked at, and eventually led to artist-endorsed parodies of superstars of the time, such as Madonna and Michael Jackson. And then it was time to conquer a new frontier: the cinema. And in 1989, that dream came to fruition with this week's movie, UHF.

"Weird Al" Yankovic is George Newman, a guy who has trouble keeping his mind on his work, largely because he daydreams about being the star of action and adventure movies. When he and his roommate Bob (David Bowe) get fired from yet another job because of George, their outlook is not good, especially for George, whose girlfriend Teri (Victoria Jackson) is pretty close to giving up on him, as well.

During a convenient meeting with his Aunt Esther (Sue Ane Langdon) and Uncle Harvey (Stanley Brock), George is put in charge of a low-wattage UHF television station that his uncle won in a poker game. When he takes Teri to have a look at the place, they meet the soft-spoken and odd Philo (Anthony Geary), the station's program manager and resident scientist. He tells them that the station basically shows old reruns, but George informs him that he has different ideas.

Keep dreaming, Al. Keep dreaming.

The next day, George and Bob come to work, where they meet receptionist/aspiring reporter Pamela Finklestein (Fran Drescher), who warns them that the station is not exactly a money-maker. A quick look at the books confirms this.

At the same time, the station received a package that is meant to go to the town's network affiliate station, and George volunteers to take it to Channel 8 and deliver it himself. When he gets there, he meets R.J. Fletcher (Kevin McCarthy), who immediately tries to fire him, only to be told George doesn't work there. Fletcher then accuses him of spying and has him escorted from the building. On the way out, George meets Stanley Spadowski (a pre-openly racist Michael Richards), a janitor who has just been fired by Fletcher, and offers him a job at U62. Stanley enthusiastically accepts and follows him out of the building.

Their faces say it all.

Back at the station, George and Bob are trying new programs to bring the ratings up, but their first attempt, Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse, does not do the trick, and Bob has to let George know that the station will be bankrupt by the end of the week. Determined to not let this happen, George and Bob stay up all night and try to come up with more shows. George falls asleep at his desk and dreams of being a rock star and singing about The Beverly Hillbillies, only to wake up in the morning and realize he missed a date with Teri and her parents. He tries calling her, and she breaks up with him.

About to lose yet another job, and distraught about losing his girlfriend, George has to do his show, where he gets so depressed he leaves in the middle of it, putting Stanley in charge of the show while he and Bob go to a bar to drown their sorrows. Once they get to the bar, however, they realize the entire crowd is watching Stanley on television, and they immediately head back to see what happened. They arrive just as Stanley is finishing up, and George offers him the opportunity to do the show every day. After some haggling to ensure he will still be able to do the janitorial work, too, Stanley agrees, and the show is re-titled Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse.

That kid definitely got hurt, right?

Newly energized, George and Bob start making up new shows and bringing their friends in to host them. Among them are Wheel of Fish starring Kuni (Gedde Watanabe) the Karate teacher, and Raul's Wild Kingdom, which features the host (Trinidad Silva) teaching poodles how to fly. Bob and George both claim they didn't hire Raul, so nobody knows how he got there. Another show involves Philo, who teaches viewers how to make things like plutonium with household items. Even George get's another show, Town Talk, which is pretty much a parody of Geraldo Rivera's old talk show, but with slightly more integrity.

Soon, the stations rating beat even Channel 8, which infuriates Fletcher, who starts planning a way to take U62 down. He finds out who owns the station and contacts Uncle Harvey to make an offer. Harvey, whose gambling has hit a bump, finds himself $75,000 in the hole to a gangster called Big Louie, so he agrees to Fletcher's offer. But when Aunt Esther finds out about it, she tells Harvey he has to give George a chance to raise the money first. Harvey agrees, much to Fletcher's annoyance.

Annoyed? Or constipated? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

When George is told he can make an offer, he comes up with the idea of holding a telethon to sell shares in the station, making it publicly-owned. Stanley is the host, and things start out really well. So well, in fact, that Fletcher sends some thugs to kidnap Stanley and keep him off the air, hopefully causing U62 to not meet their goal. He also goes on the air to denounce U62, but Philo interrupts Channel 8's video feed with video taken earlier of Fletcher telling Teri how he truly feels about the people in the town. It's not good.

When Philo discovers that Stanley has been kidnapped, he tells George, who launches a rescue to save Stanley. He rushes to Channel 8 and bursts through the doors, only to be taken captive himself. Fortunately, he planned ahead, and Kuni and his students attack the thugs and get George and Stanley out of there. They all head back to the station to finish out the telethon.

With the last few minutes left, they are still $2000 short, and Fletcher shows up to shut the whole thing down. He pulls the plug. (Although it is not clear on what, as everything still appears to be working.) As he is about to get onstage and tell everyone to give up, Big Louie and Uncle Harvey show up, looking for the money from George...

Working in TV is rough!

But will George and the rest of the town get the rest of it together in time? Or will Fletcher turn the station into a parking lot? Will Pamela ever realize her dream of being a not-very-good reporter? Will Stanley ever understand what's going on?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry is back, baby! And he was super-psyched to come back to this fine film! He also was really happy that our pal Redtache sent along a stand-in, as can be seen in the photo below.

Jake doesn't have a lot to say, other than that he quite enjoyed the movie. What more is there to say, really?

Derek also doesn't have a lot to say, but he does anyway, as usual. He likes the subtle jokes as much as the very broad ones, and he is a big fan of the various movie parodies.

So bust out that Hawaiian shirt and those Vans, put out a plate of Twinkie Wiener Sandwiches, and check out this week's episode!

Danger: Diabolik!

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The Godfather. Scarface. Young Guns.

All of those movies treat very bad people as heroes, for some reason. But they are not heroes. Also, they're based on real people, so differentiating between the fiction of the movie's story and the reality of these terrible people's lives is important.

This week's movie, Danger: Diabolik!, is not based on a real-life person. Or reality at all. In fact, it's based on an Italian comic strip. The main character is about as far from a hero as you can get, but he is framed in this film like one.

Diabolik (John Phillip Law) is a famous cat burglar who is best known for his stunning blue eyes and his penchant for rubber. With the help of his girlfriend, Eva (Marisa Mell), he steals countless riches, confounding the police and upsetting other criminals.

The movie starts with ten million dollars being hauled somewhere, and the man in charge, Inspector Ginko (Michel Piccoli), is doing everything he can to make sure it gets to its destination, wherever that is, safely. He sets up a fake caravan of police motorcycles and limousines, and fills money bags with blank paper as a precaution. He will be attending to the actual money himself.

The delivery sets out, and things appear to be going well, until they arrive at the waterfront. Smoke bombs go off, and they lose track of each other. When they can finally see, they find Diabolik high above them, taking the real money out of the other car! He drops it into a boat, where Eva eagerly awaits, and then he dives into the water himself. He makes it back to his car's hidden location, and takes off down the road. The police, for what it's worth, planned ahead and had a helicopter on the lookout, and it gives chase, following Diabolik's car until it goes into a tunnel.

Mmph!

Inside the tunnel, Diabolik moves the money to Eva's car, and then sends his own car out and over a cliff, hoping it will make the police think he is dead. Diabolik and Eva play a bit of tonsil hockey, and they are off in the opposite direction, headed for their cave-based hideout to have all kinds of sex on some of the money they just stole.

Ginko is not happy, and neither are his superiors. They want Diabolik and they want him yesterday! But they can't find him, as nobody knows what he looks like, which is unfortunate, because they both attend a press conference from the Minister of the Interior (Terry-Thomas). He reinstates the death penalty as a way of trying to stop all the crime going on. Diabolik drops some laughing gas on the crowd, and he and Eva head home, no doubt happy with a day's work done well.

Ginko takes a novel approach to finding Diabolik; he starts cracking down on other criminals, hoping they will give him a hand in stopping Diabolik. Ralph Valmont (Adolpho Celi), a major drug dealer, is willing to work out a deal to get Ginko off his back. Ginko offers a reduced sentence instead, and Valmont (who is referred to as "Wawa" throughout the podcast) accepts.

Get me the Burger King! Immediately!

Meanwhile, In the Diabolik-cave, post-coital news watching results in Diabolik getting an idea for Eva's birthday gift, which is approaching soon, apparently. Maybe "every kiss begins with Kay," but for Diabolik and Eva, boning begins with burglary! He's going to steal a famous emerald necklace for her. But he makes her earn it by casing the castle where the necklace will be. While there, she is spotted by a prostitute who gives her description to Valmont so he can create a sketch of her and have his men go out looking.

The day of the burglary comes, and Diabolik scales the side of the castle, sneaking into the room of the elderly couple who have the necklace. As he is leaving with it, he is spotted and chased by the police, all the way to the top of the castle, where he pretends to launch himself from with a catapult that happened to be laying around. The police leave the roof, and Diabolik finds a way down do he and Eva can escape in her car again. Along the way, they stop and set up a trap for anybody following them, causing another car to go over a cliff and explode, and this one had Ginko in it! (Don't worry. He manages to get out of the explosion with only a light scratch on his head.

You'll never let me down, booze.

At some point, Eva injures her arm, so Diabolik has her go to a doctor to get it looked at. She stops to get gas on the way, and one of Valmont's men spots her, following her to the doctor's office and alerting Valmont, who comes to snatch Eva and kill the doctor. When Diabolik discovers Eva is missing (due to an ad in the paper advertising a white Jaguar--her car), he calls the number and Valmont answers, telling Diabolik he wants the stolen ten million dollars and the emerald necklace. Diabolik agrees and sets up a meeting on Valmont's plane.

Upon arrival at the airport, Diabolik is disarmed and taken aboard the plane, which takes off, and he gives Valmont the money, but refuses to give him the necklace until he turns Eva over. Valmont tells him no necklace, no girl, and Diabolik immediately capitulates. Valmont's men give Diabolik a parachute and open the floor so he can jump out and parachute down to where Eva is being held. But before he jumps, he grabs Valmont and pulls him out the opening with him, after which the plane explodes.

In freefall, Diabolik questions Valmont (we won't even go into the impossibility of that, considering the wind rushing past and all) and is told that, along with Eva, Ginko is waiting for him with a bunch of other cops who intend to arrest him. Just before they reach the ground, Diabolik knocks Valmont out and drops him, stealing back the emerald necklace, ditching the parachute and hiding behind a sand dune while he makes a plan.

He sneaks into the building where Eva is being held, just as the guy watching her is about to burn her with his cigarette, gives the guy a karate chop to the neck (this appears to be Diabolik's signature move, as he did a double-chop on Valmont), and rescues Eva. As they run across the beach, the are cornered, so Diabolik tells Eva to find her way home and draws the attention of the police so she can escape. Valmont, now conscious, opens fire on Diabolik, but fails miserably. Diabolik, on the other hand, is a better shot. So much so that he can load the emeralds from the necklace into the gun and shoot Valmont with those! (FULL DISCLOSURE: The guys did not realize that's what happened, and this led to a hilarious bout of trying to figure out how Valmont ended up with the emeralds inside him.)

All this, just to get laid on a pile of money. SO MANY paper cuts.

The police open fire again, and although they don't know whether they hit him, Ginko realizes the gunfight is pretty one-sided, so he goes over the top of the dune and discovers Diabolik, apparently dead. They take his body back to the city and hold a press conference, announcing his death. At the same time, Diabolik, who is very not dead, awakens as the pathologist is about to bandsaw the top of his head off. After revealing in great detail how he managed to cheat death, he and Eva, who is dressed up as the hottest nurse ever, escape, but not before as visit to the crematorium to collect Valmont's ashes, as well as the emeralds that are in them.

The government is now pretty upset about a dead guy ezscaping, so they put out a rewrd of a million dollars for his capture. To show he's not going to take that sitting down, Diabolik blows up a number of tax offices (remember: this is the "hero" of the movie), and the citizens refuse to pay their taxes because they don't want all their money blown up, putting the city into debt. The government decides that the best way to deal with this is to sell a twenty ton gold ingot to buy more currency, because how could a reedy guy like Diabolik manage to walk off with a big ol' brick of solid gold?

Naturally, Diabolik has a plan to do exactly that, and it involves having Eva wear tiny clothes and fooling the hillbilly driving a truck into thinking she would even pay the slightest bit of attention to him otherwise. (FULLER DISCLOSURE: We would probably fall for that, as well.) It works, and Diabolik steals the truck, driving it through a police barricade and clears the way for them to catch the train the gold is loaded on. They set up a trap to get the train to go over a bridge that they have rigged with explosives, which it does, and the explosion causes the train to fall into the ocean, with the gold and Ginko onboard.

It sounds like a dumb idea, and it is, but Diabolik has got it covered! He gets into his mini sub and retrieves the TWENTY TON GOLD BRICK with the help of his equally reedy girlfriend and a couple of balloons, and takes it back to the Diabolik-cave. Don't question it. Just accept it.

Get out of my secret lair, mom!

Now it's time to melt the giant ingot down using a "laser" and turn it into several much smaller ingots. But just as they're getting started, the police show up, having tracked the container the gold was in by its radiation signal. (Ginko had it partially irradiated for this very reason.) Again, Eva fades into the darkness, leaving Diabolik to try flooding the cavern in order to get the cops to go away, but they pin him down before he can get to the valve, and the "laser" causes the container to explode, covering the interior of the cavern--and Diabolik himself--in gold.

Is he dead again? Or will he get out of it? And why does Eva go from being dressed like short shorts to a goth beekeeper in less than a minute? Also, what the hell did we just watch?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake is surprised to realize that he actually enjoyed this movie. It keeps things interesting, and managed to be fun at the same time. He is curious, however, exactly how Diabolik managed to get those emeralds in Valmont's body. He has theories. They're icky.

Derek has loved this movie since he first saw it as the final episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. He also thinks Eva is nifty, and is disturbed by Diabolik's eyes. Are they grey? Blue? Zombie white? It is unnerving.

So put on your rubber gimp suit, ram your tongue down your girlfriend's throat so far that you can taste her toenails, and check out this week's episode!

Clash of the Titans (1981)

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Those kooky ancient Greeks! What with their Krakens and Gorgonses and Pegasuseses and gods for every occasion, it's not hard to imagine why they came up with such oddball stories about why stuff happened. And it was only a matter of time before Hollywood got their hands on these stories and made something that, if you step back and squint really hard, might somewhat resemble something vaguely similar to the established Greek mythology.

Which brings us to this episode's movie, 1981's Clash of the Titans...A film that boldly calls Burgess Meredith a philosopher and a poet, and puts Harry Hamlin in a miniskirt!

Hamlin plays Perseus, the bastard child of the god Zeus (Sir Laurence Olivier). When Acrisius of Argos (Donald Houston) has his daughter Danaë and her newborn son Perseus stuffed in a wooden box and shoved into the sea, Zeus kills Acrisius and sics the Kraken on Argos to destroy it.

The biggest jerks around.

Danaë and Perseus end up having floated to the island of Seriphos, where Perseus grows into the slope-foreheaded young man he was destined to be.

Calibos (Neil McCarthy), the son of sea goddess Thetis (Dame Maggie Smith), is working some sort of deal to be engaged to Andromeda (Judi Bowker), daughter of Cassiopeia (Siân Phillips), Queen of Joppa. However, Calibos pisses-off Zeus, who transforms him into what appears to be a wolfman with an afro. This is never fully explained. For revenge, Thetis transports Perseus to an amphitheater in Joppa, where he meets Ammon (Burgess Meredith), the aforementioned philosopher and poet. He tells Perseus about Andromeda, who is apparently under a curse from Calibos, and cannot marry unless the prospective groom answers a riddle that Calibos feeds her. If they get the answer wrong, they are barbecued in the town square. (You know, as one does to make sure nobody hears the same riddle twice...?)

Total jerk.

Suitably ticked-off about Thetis pulling a stunt without giving him a heads-up, Zeus Has the other gods make some stuff for Perseus to defend himself and impress Andromeda. Hera (Clair Bloom) makes a shield for him, Athena (Susan Fleetwood) gives him a helmet that makes its wearer invisible, and Aphrodite (Ursula Andress) gives him a magical sword that can cut fake cinder blocks in half. As a test run, Perseus uses the helmet to catch a Pegasus and goes into Joppa, where he discovers that Calibos has a giant vulture that picks Andromeda up at night (her spirit, actually) and takes her to his cave, where he gives her the next riddle. Perseus is almost captured by Calibos, but he puts up a good fight and manages to cut off Calibos' hand, which he takes back to Joppa. He does, however, manage to lose his shiny new helmet in the process.

The next morning, Perseus and Ammon go to Joppa so Perseus can ask for Andromeda's hand in marriage, because things were, apparently, much easier back then -- no long, drawn-out periods of dating; just jumping right into the marriage with both feet. He correctly answers the riddle, and a wedding is set. Calibos, meanwhile, wants revenge, but Thetis cannot act against Andromeda, so she uses a loophole and interrupts the wedding after Cassiopeia compares Andromeda's beauty to that of Thetis. Thetis demands that Andromeda is sacrificed to the Kraken. If Cassiopeia doesn't do it, the entire city of Joppa will be destroyed. Unwilling to have his soon-to-be new wife eaten by an ocean monster, Perseus and his team (Ammon, plus a couple of military dudes from Joppa) hatch a plan to find out how to kill the Kraken. Before they can leave, however, the Pegasus is stolen by Calibos and his Geico Caveman knockoff henchmen.

Also a jerk.

Setting off with a plan to find the Stygian Witches (Flora Robson, Anna Manahan and Freda Jackson), who can tell them how to stop the Kraken, Perseus, Ammon, Andromeda and the soldiers head out on slower, non-flying horses.

Zeus discovers that Perseus lost his helmet (kids these days!), so he tells Athena to send her owl Bubo to Perseus, but she doesn't want to give it up. Instead, she has Hephaestus build a mechanical version and sends that, and it leads Perseus to the Stygian Witches.

Not jerks.

Perseus has to steal the one magic eye the three blind witches use between them in order to get them to answer his question about defeating the Kraken. When he promises to give it back, they tell him he must find Medusa, the Gorgon, whose stare -- alive or dead -- can turn anything that looks back at it into stone. If he can get Medusa's head, he can use it against the Kraken.

With this new information in hand, Perseus sends Ammon and Andromeda back to Joppa because he feels the next part of the journey will be too dangerous for them to follow. After some protesting, they agree. Perseus and the others, meanwhile, call the ferry to take them across the River Styx, which will bring them to the Gorgon's lair.

Upon landing on the island, the group is attacked by Dioskilos, a two-headed dog that acts as Medusa's guardian. Perseus kills it, and the group proceeds into the abandoned temple in which Medusa lives, warning the others to not look her in the eye if they see her, and that they should instead use the reflection on the inside of their shields. Of course, this is almost immediately forgotten when they encounter her, as one of the men is killed whens he shoots him with an arrow, and the other turns and looks directly at her, which, as promised, makes him an instant statue. Perseus, however, has remained hidden and, managing to snag his shield on the stone body of one of Medusa's previous victims, catches her attention. But when she approaches to attack, he lops her head off with his magic sword, throws her head in a bag, and gets out of Dodge. Now all has to do is rest a bit, and then get back to Joppa as quickly as possible.

Jerkiest of jerks.

The "rest" part is interrupted when Calibos sneaks into their camp, pokes some holes in Medusa's severed head, and causes giant scorpions to grow and attack Perseus and his few remaining men. After much fighting, Calibos and the scorpions are killed, as are the rest of the men who accompanied Perseus. Straight-up worn out from battle, Perseus sends Bubo to rescue the Pegasus from Calibos. Not only does Bubo manage to do that, but he also fights the giant vulture and causes it to set Calibos' castle on fire, burning it to the ground.

Back in Joppa, it is the longest day of the year, which also happens to be Kraken Sacrifice Day, so Andromeda is super-hoping Perseus gets there soon. But will he? Will he also manage to defeat the Kraken with Medusa's head, despite his inability to untie what appears to be a pretty simple knot? Will he and Andromeda be married? or will it degenerate into a West Side Story-style knife fight? Also, when will Bubo get a spin-off movie of his own?

You'll have to tune in to find out! (Except for the last one; sadly, that's never going to happen.)

Jake loves this movie for the same reasons he did when he first saw it as a child: Fun story, silly acting, and amazing Ray Harryhausen stop-motion visuals. Really, when you have those things, what more do you need? Love. You need love. And water. Probably food, too.

Derek also loves this, but now views it with the jaundiced eye of a man who has seen some godawful movies, and recognizes this for what it is. And what it is, is a fun movie with vague connections to Greek mythology and some bitchen visual effects courtesy of the greatest stop-motion director of all time.

So gather up your sword and helmet, put on some kicky sandals, wind your owl, and check out this week's episode!

Thunderbirds Are GO! (1966)

To listen/download, click here!

Some ideas look good on paper, and when made a reality, blow your mind with how amazing they are. Space travel, sliced bread and hot dogs with a tunnel full of chili already in them come to mind.

But then you get an idea that, while it seems like it would be a home run when you're looking at it on the page, turns out to be like a dog's fart. It's unwelcome, and surprisingly pungent. That's where this week's movie falls.

This week, Derek and Jake sat down to watch a movie based on Gerry Anderson's popular television show, Thunderbirds, creatively titled Thunderbirds Are GO!

Almost all of you reading this are familiar with Anderson's work, even if you are not familiar with his name. You see, he developed a form of puppetry he called Supermarionation, which involves marionettes with lifelike articulated mouths, and gigantic, highly-detailed sets for them to sit around and talk. That's it, really, except for the ridiculously long glory shots of space ships being put together.

Anyway...The movie.

The year is 2065! The Future! And the Zero-X rocket is preparing for launch! Its journey will take six weeks, and its destination is Mars! Among the crew are Space Captain Greg Martin (Alexander Davion), Space Navigator Brad Newman (Bob Monkhouse), and a few other unnamed crewmen. After what feels like a good hour of lovingly-shot passes of the ship being assembled, they take off. Unfortunately, there's a stowaway (Ray Barrett) in the bowels of the ship, on a mission to make sure the Zero-X does not make it out of the atmosphere.

The FUTURE!

The villain's plan doesn't go quite as he had planned, and his foot gets caught in a piston, causing the ship's flaps not to work properly, making it unable to get any lift. Satisfied that it was good enough, he escapes through a hatch in the bottom of the ship and parachutes to safety.

Up in the cockpit, Space Captain Martin sends everybody to the escape pod because the ship is going down soon less than ten minutes after taking off. Moments before the Zero-X crashes into the ocean in a huge fireball, the escape pod is jettisoned and the crew is safe.

Jumping ahead two years, the Space Exploration Center is ready to go again, but Space Captain Martin has a problem with the security, in that it appears there is nothing more being done than last time. He tells the President of the Center (Jeremy Wilkin) that he doesn't feel safe going, so the President offers to have the Thunderbirds (whom, as we have already established, are "GO") monitor action around the compound and make sure nothing sketchy is going on. This appears to calm the Captain's nerves, and the mission is on.

Our...heroes?

The Thunderbirds' commander, Jeff Tracy (Peter Dyneley), assigns one of his sons, Scott (Shane Rimmer), to cover Glenn Field, the site of the launch. He assigns his other two, Virgil (also Jeremy Wilkin) and Alan (Matt Zimmerman), to escort the new Zero-X until it leaves the atmosphere. With the plan set, all that's left to do is party.

Meanwhile, Lady Penelope (Sylvia Anderson), infiltrates the pre-launch press conference to get a tracking device, which is hidden in a St. Christopher's medal, onto Space Captain Martin's person. Because she's a sexy puppet, it works, and then she makes her way down to her car, where her driver, Parker (Davide Graham), awaits her orders and contemplates what the world would be like if he had a chin.

WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN ME?!

The next day, Lady Penelope's efforts to track Space Captain Martin are unsuccessful, and while Scott is checking on the crew before liftoff, he discovers that Space Captain Martin has been replaced by the same guy who blew up the last ship! The Hood (as he is referred to in the credits) pulls a gun on the group and runs away, but Lady Penelope spots him and she and Parker give chase, following him to a dock with a speedboat waiting. The Hood gets in the boat and is off, but he was not aware that Lady Penelope's car transforms into a boat, and they continue their pursuit. They follow him to an island, where a helicopter awaits the Hood, who immediately gets in and takes off. Parker, ready for some bloodshed but bound by some obscure rule that requires the other party to shoot first, has his gun (Rocket launcher? Machine gun?) sighted on the getaway vehicle. Once the Hood opens fire, the afternoon sky is lit up with explosions as the helicopter falls into the most flammable part of the ocean, it would seem.

Back at Glenn Field, the Zero-X takes off without any problems after Space Captain Martin is found, so Penelope invites Scott and Virgil to a club called "The Swinging Star" to party and see Cliff Richard and the Shadows. Jeff, however, is left behind to keep an eye on things, and promptly falls asleep and has a weird dream (which Jake interpreted as Jeff being worried the man in the moon wants to rape him) and wakes up the next day, having fallen out of bed.

No words. His expression says it all.

The six-week flight of Zero-X passes uneventfully, and the next thing you know, its crew is on the surface of Mars, where they hop into their rover and start blowing shit up. (These are Americans, after all.) This angers the natives--snake-like rock creatures that fire explosive balls out of their mouths. The crew takes the hint and, after a brief spin around the surface, decide it's time to get out of Dodge.

Upon re-entering Earth's atmosphere, the Zero-X crew attempts to reattach the remote-controlled wings they need to take off and land the ship. They get the first set on, but lose control of the second set, causing them to fall into the ocean and explode. The Thunderbirds are dispatched to see what help they can offer, and Space Captain Martin sends the rest of the crew to the escape pod again. However, the pod won't launch, so he contacts the Thunderbirds and tells them he will stay with the ship until things are functioning again.

I hate you so much, Craig.

The Thunderbirds hatch a plan that involves dangling Alan from a cable so he can fix the wiring of the escape pod, but when he drops his one and only screwdriver, it seems like all hope is lost, and Space Captain Martin and his crew will die a fiery death in the town square of Craigsville (North America's strategically-located source of guys named Craig for the entire United States). Or will they? Will Alan figure a way to work without the one screwdriver he thought to bring with him? If not, where will America get its Craigs? Do we get to see any of these puppets walk? And what was up with Jeff's tuxedo?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek was not impressed. Despite being a fan of the show, he feels that it did not translate to the big screen at all. But if you dig almost obscenely long panning shots of insanely detailed model buildings and ships, this could very well be the movie for you. So do what you will.

Jake straight-up hated this movie. It was long, ponderous, and had almost no conflict, once they killed the helicopter guy. He also thinks that this is the sort of film that happens when you let the model makers write the script. It was...not good. Not at all.

So put on your 1960s stewardess outfit or sparkly tuxedo, do not ask too many questions, and check out this week's episode!

Van Helsing

To listen/download, click here!

Once again, what should have been a pretty simple movie viewing has ended with intense outrage over an unnecessarily convoluted plot and a failed attempt at creating a franchise. But that's why they do this!

This episode, Derek and Jake sat down to watch 2004's Van Helsing, starring an amazingly talented cast of Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing, as well as Kate Beckinsale, David Wenham, Richard Roxburgh, Kevin J. O'Connor, Shuler Hernsley, Josie Moran, Silvia Colloca, and Elena Anaya, among others.

Before we ever see Van Helsing himself (Jackman), we first get a brief rundown of Dr. Victor Frankenstein (Samuel West) bringing his creation (Hensley) to life, much like the original story (and the Universal movie), with the added detail that Dr. Frankenstein is doing all this for a guy named Dracula (Roxburgh). No, not that one; a "relative" of that one, who will henceforth be referred to as "Jeffy" in this post, for convenience. It seems Jeffy needs Frankenstein's secrets in order to create his own "children." Unfortunately, before Jeffy can get the information he needs, the Monster comes alive, and the local villagers arrive to kill it, chasing it front he castle to a windmill nearby. We all know how that ends.

Jeffy, now thwarted, goes home to pout.

Jeffy too late realizes that he could have had a V-8.

Over in Paris, we finally get to see what this Van Helsing fella (no, not that one, either...It's complicated...) is up to. It turns out he is hunting for Mr. Hyde, who has murdered a few folks, which always tends to upset people. After a quick fight, Van Helsing dispatches Mr. Hyde, who reverts to Dr. Jekyll (Robbie Coltrane), causing the police to believe that Van Helsing murdered a regular doctor, rather than a mad scientist with anger issues.

After taking care of Jekyll, Van Helsing returns to the Vatican for his next assignment, because he is apparently part of some cryptological hit squad that eliminates whatever creatures the Catholic Church deems evil. He is told he must go to Transylvania and protect the remaining members of a Romanian bloodline who are themselves tasked with killing Jeffy. They also give him his own personal monk, Carl (Wenham), to act as an assistant and weapon developer. They make their way to Transylvania.

Meanwhile, in Transylvania, Anna Valarious (Beckinsale) and her brother Velkan (Will Kemp) are trying to kill a werewolf, because of course they are. They and their team set up a trap, using Velkan as bait, and kill it, but not before it manages to bite Velkan, dooming him to a life of unruly body hair and shredded pants.

Ruh-roh!

Returning to her village, Anna meets Van Helsing and is not impressed at all, nor is the rest of the village. They don't care for strangers, and they intend to make sure that Van Helsing and Carl are not around long. Their efforts, however, are cut short when Jeffy and his brides (Moran, Colloca, and Anaya) come to town, looking for some food. Anna and Van Helsing, who is now equipped with a nifty repeating crossbow, fend off the attack, but not before Anna is tossed around like a ragdoll over and over again. After Van Helsing takes out one of the brides, Jeffy and his remaining minions retreat, and Van Helsing is hailed as a hero.

We're just kidding. It turns out that the villagers were okay with Jeffy and Co. stopping by once a month for a snack because it kept them from killing everyone. Now that Van Helsing has killed one of the vampires, all bets are off, and the villagers are pissed. Thinking quickly, Van Helsing knocks out Anna and takes her back to her mansion.

Not great with people.

When Anna awakens that night, she discovers Velkan at the house, and he warns her that Jeffy is up to something. However, before he can tell her what it is, the moon comes out, and he turns into a werewolf and tries to eat her. She and Van Helsing scare him off and track him to Frankenstein's castle, where they discover Jeffy's secret: He is trying to animate his dead-born children, which are house in what appear to be giant ballsacks hanging in one of the hallways.

Jeffy plugs Velkan into his machinery and attempts to use the werewolf's life force to bring the "children" to life. It sort of works, in that they hatch from the ballsacks, but it doesn't take long for them to explode in a spray of snot, rendering Jeffy's plans useless. Van Helsing confronts him, and a fight ensues, but Van Helsing and Anna manage to escape using the time-tested method of falling through a hole in the floor.

The hole, it seems, leads to a cave, where they happen to find Frankenstein's Monster hanging out under the remains of the burned windmill he was last seen at. The Monster wants Van Helsing to kill him because he knows he is integral to Jeffy's plan, but Van Helsing refuses because he believes the Monster is not evil. (It's kind of a rule Van Helsing has to follow.) Velkan overhears this and reports on it to Jeffy, who decides that what he needs to do now is get that Monster and use him as a battery. He dispatches Igor (O'Connor) to fetch the Monster.

The Monster picked the wrong day to ascend El Capitan.

Van Helsing loads the Monster and Carl into a carriage, and the group is off and running. Naturally, Jeffy's brides find Van Helsing's carriage and attack, hoping to get the Monster away from him. They manage to knock him off of it just before it goes over a cliff, and one of the brides follows it down, only to find it filled with wooden stakes and exactly no Monsters. When it hits the ground, it explodes, seriously inconveniencing the bride.

Back on top of the cliff, Van Helsing runs into the woods and finds the other carriage--the one that actually has the Monster in it and is being driven by Anna--so he can continue the ride back to Anna's mansion. However, the werewolf attacks that carriage, causing Van Helsing to suffer a nasty bite and almost have his family jewels shorn off by a carriage wheel, and then they take Anna hostage, flying away with her. The werewolf, though, is handily taken out of the picture.

When they return to the village, Igor finds them and tells them he will trade Anna for the Monster. Van Helsing agrees, and the Monster is none-too-happy about it. Not to worry, though, because Van Helsing has a plan. It's a weird plan, and very unlikely to work, but it's still better than no plan. He and Carl are going to infiltrate Castle Jeffy during some sort of party he is having, kill Jeffy and the other vampires there, and rescue Anna. Unfortunately, while they were doing that, Igor and his pals were kidnapping the Monster from the place where they stashed him, thereby giving Jeffy everything he needs to bring his snot goblins to life.

Kate Beckinsale and David Wenham star in Ye Olde Breaking Bad!

Determined to save the Monster, they find a secret entrance from Anna's mansion to Castle Jeffy in a mirror Carl discovered. They try to rescue the Monster, but it doesn't work. It does, however, tell Van Helsing that Jeffy has a cure for werewolf bites, which is convenient. Van Helsing goes to confront Jeffy while Anna and Carl go looking for the lycanthropy antidote. But will they get there in time? Will Van Helsing stop Jeffy from creating a gross and kind of sticky army of tiny minions? Will the Monster ever stop running? Will this fucking movie ever end?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake is annoyed by the overloaded plot, believing that a good seventy percent of it was completely unnecessary. And he is absolutely right. He is also angry about the terrible werewolves. And the line of action figures the movie spawned. And a lot of other stuff, all justified.

Derek is also angry about the plot. It was just so overloaded with stupid things and went out of its way to "rewrite" vampire and werewolf folklore. He is also angry about the overly broad acting in the movie. And the dumb special effects. He did, however, like Van Helsing's crossbow and Kate Beckinsale's...uh...everything.

So sharpen your wooden stakes, get some holy water, and check out this week's episode!

Blues Brothers 2000

To listen/download, click here!

Happy New Year, everybody!

And what better way to kick off 2019 than with a look at the sequel to the film they covered in their fifth episode ever? To save you the time of scrolling back, we'll just tell you what it was: 1980's The Blues Brothers, starring John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, and a ton of Blues and R&B legends.

This time, however, Belushi couldn't make it, what with being dead and all. So for the sequel,  1998's Blues Brothers 2000, Aykroyd is joined by John Goodman, Joe Morton, and J. Evan Bonifant to take on the Blues moniker and accompany him on an almost carbon copy adventure of the first film,but with all the stuff that made it watchable missing.

Elwood Blues (Aykroyd) is released from prison, eighteen years after the events of the last film. In that time, his brother Jake (the late, great Belushi) passed away, as has Curtis (the late, great Cab Calloway), who raised the two of them in the orphanage they grew up in, instilling in them a love of the Blues. However, nobody bothered to tell Elwood about Jake, who you would imagine might have heard at least a rumor, being that he and his brother were in the same prison. Instead, he is left to wait outside the prison for a whole day before the warden (the right-on-time and always great Frank Oz) tells him what happened. Our criminal justice system at work, folks.

Not long after, a young woman arrives and picks Elwood up. Without a word, he gets in the car and is taken to downtown Chicago, where he first sees an old police car he wants to buy, and then goes to visit Mother Mary Stigmata (the late, great Kathleen Freeman), who was but a lowly nun when we last saw her at the orphanage eighteen years ago.

18 years later, Matt "Guitar"Murphy still looks like he doesn't know how to stand.

The sister offers condolences to Elwood on the loss of Jake and tells him about Curtis, and before giving him a chance to properly grieve, she saddles him with the knowledge that Curtis had a son (the great, but thankfully not-yet-late Morton) with a married woman before turning to the church, giving Elwood the idea that he has a "brother" out there somewhere, and then she gives him a young boy named Buster (the adequate, but not-even-a-little-late Bonifant), whom she expects Elwood -- a recently paroled felon -- to mentor. Elwood is not keen on the idea, but after a solid whipping from Mother Mary's retractable rod, he relents, promising to take Buster to the library.

Elwood does take Buster to the library, but leaves him there and heads to the Illinois State police headquarters, where Cab, his newfound "brother", is supposed to be. When he gets there, he discovers that Cab is, in fact, a police commander. Undeterred, Elwood introduces himself, explains Cab's history to him, and then asks to borrow five hundred dollars to buy the used police cruiser he saw earlier. Not especially thrilled at the revelations Elwood has delivered to him, Cab has Elwood ejected from the building. As he watches, Buster accidentally runs into him, lifting Cab's wallet, from which Elwood takes five hundred dollars (because don't all cops carry large sums of cash on them?) and returns the wallet. Time to get a car!

A quick trip to see Melvern Gasperon (the late, great B.B. King) results in new wheels, and then Elwood and Buster are off to see Willie (Blues Brothers Band drummer Willie Hall), who now runs a "stripster"(?) club, about getting the band back together. Willie isn't interested, but he introduces Elwood to the bartender, Mack (the not-at-all-late but still pretty great John Goodman), and gives Elwood a job as an emcee for the club.

A Belushi was needed. A King Ralph was acquired.

When Russian gangsters show up to shake down the bar for money, Elwood gets them drunk and recruits Mack to help him strip the gangsters down and leave them tied up in an alleyway as a warning. This backfires, and the Russians come to the club and burn it to the ground. When they see Elwood, Mack, and the others escape, the Russians give chase, but they are thwarted by what appear to be explosive drywall nails. One of the Russians is killed, and nopbody says a damn thing about it.

Having begun his reign of death and destruction, while simultaneously drawing his newfound friends and former drummer into his web of terror, Elwood starts to round up the rest of the band in a similarly horrific fashion. Really, the only ones who didn't suffer any kind of loss were Matt (the late, great Matt "Guitar" Murphy), Lou (the currently alive, but also great "Blue Lou" Marini), and Murph (the not-late, and really one of the only ones in the band who can act Murphy Dunne). The rest are swept up in Elwood's rampage of terror and forced to play blues standards and stiltedly deliver their lines.

Okay, Lou Marini did suffer a little.

A quick visit to Maury Sline (Steve Lawrence), agent to the stars, sets the band up to play at a battle fo the bands hosted by a Louisiana voodoo queen called Queen Mousette (Erykah Badu). He also promises to set up some "gas money gigs" along the way. These gigs turn out to be just one, which involves playing bluegrass music behind a monster truck show at the Tennessee State Fair.

Off and running, they stop at a few familiar-ish places to interact with people from the first movie. (The ones that are still alive, that is.) The whole time, they are being followed by Cab and his lieutenant, Lt. Elizondo (Nia Peeples), and several hundred other police officers from various states and counties. Oh, and the Russians are still looking for them. As are a group of white supremacist militiamen led by Darrell Hammond, who gets a boat full of explosives dropped on him but turns out to be fine.

When the band reaches the state fair, they discover that they are supposed to play bluegrass, and immediately don fake beards and hillbilly hats before diving into a rendition of "Ghost Riders in the Sky" that the people at the fair will most likely never forget, what with the actual ghostly skeletal horses and steer running across the sky as the band plays. Nobody comments on this at all. It's almost like it never happened. Weird.

We didn't see a thing. And neither did anybody else.

Almost to the gig at Queen Mousette's, the band's one vehicle runs out of gas, and a defeated Elwood tells the band that they might as well give up. Buster, in his "Oscar Speech Moment," convinces Elwood to press on, and the band leaves on foot, only to run across a tent revival run by Reverend Morris (the alive-and-kicking, and also great Sam Moore of Sam and Dave) and Cleophus James (the late, great, but also deeply felonious, James Brown). The police catch up with them, but Cab is overcome with the power of the reverends' words and gives up his life as a policeman...to...sing the blues...because...uh...Jesus...?

Now overflowing with frontmen, the band once again escapes and makes its way to Louisiana, where they are forced to audition for Queen Mousette in order to gain entry into the battle of the bands. Of course, they get in, which is helpful because, otherwise, there would have only been one band playing. This would not be so much a "battle," as a "regular show." It should be noted, however, that the other band, The Louisiana Gator Boys, is pretty darn good, containing as it does the likes of Mr. Gasperone, Eric Clapton, Jimmy Vaughan, Steve Winwood, Isaac Hayes, Coco Taylor, Dr. John, Travis Tritt, Clarence Clemons, Lou Rawls, and what appears to be every great Blues and R&B artist available at the time.

Reminder:The Blues Brothers Band had...this.

How will the Blues Brothers band fare against the Louisiana Gator Boys? Will Elwood finally be made to pay for the death and destruction he caused all across the country? Will somebody explain the need to have a ten-year-old boy involved in all of this? You'll have to tune it to find out!

Derek loved the music. The movie...not so much. It all felt too forced, and it appears that Aykroyd and director John Landis felt the same way. However, it still happened, and someone needs to pay, because the viewing audience certainly didn't. He is also sad that a solid half of the cameo stars are no longer with us.

Jake also enjoyed the music, but he disliked the movie even more. He is almost enraged at the idea of adding a small boy to the movie just to draw in a younger crowd. They didn't need that when they almost single-handedly revived the public's interest in the Blues back in 1980! Heck no! All they had was some music, some dark sunglasses, and the late, astoundingly great Carrie Fisher with a rocket launcher!

So break out those old 78 RPM records, put on a dark suit and sunglasses, and check out this week's episode!

A Christmas Carol (1984)

To listen/download, click here!

Merry Christmas!

And now, it's time for the final episode in our Holiday Moviepalooza: A Big Bag O' Dickens series. And what a way to end it! We delved deep into Jake's repressed holiday memories to bring you the 1984 TV adaption of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, starring, of all people, George C. Scott as Ebenezer Scrooge!

Away, knaves! I can buy and sell you!

We're not going to go through the whole story, because you should know it by now. We all know Scrooge (Scott) is a bitter old fart. We know he treats his clerk, Bob Cratchit (David Warner), like garbage. By now we know he blames his nephew Fred (Roger Rees) for the death of Scrooge's sister, Fan (Joanne Whalley). And we know he get a visit from his dead partner, Jacob Marley (Frank Finlay), who tells him to get his shit straight, or else. And to help, three ghosts are going to show him what a miserable cuss he is.

Marley kills with his Bill the Cat impression.

The Ghost of Christmas Past (Angela Pleasence) takes him to his old boarding school as a reminder that his father pretty much hated him. But she also takes him to his first job, where he also met the love of his life, Belle (Lucy Gutteridge), only to get dumped by her later because he loves money even more. Truly, he sucked as a youngster.

Worst Eurythmics cover band ever.

The Ghost of Christmas Present (Edward Woodward) takes the reigns and shows Scrooge that he is, in fact, still a giant turd of a person, based on how little he pays Cratchit, who has a wife and half a dozen kids to feed, including a crippled son named Tint Tim (Anthony Walters). Despite the way Cratchit is treated, he still insists on toasting his boss at Christmas dinner. Bob's wife (Susannah York) doesn't feel so cheerful about it, but she does it anyway. Next, the Ghost takes him to see how Fred also still cares, despite his uncle's rage and anger at nothing in particular. Scrooge, however remains disinterested and remains unsure exactly why this is happening, as he doesn't feel he has done anything wrong. So he is shown that Belle is now happily married with a brood of her own children, and then he is left to wait for the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come (Michael Carter).

God, I hate you.

The new ghost kicks things off like a good ghost should, by taking Scrooge to a morgue, to have a look at a dead body. It then drags him around London, showing him how everyone will continue to hate him, and how, for some reason, Tiny Tim died and it's Scrooge's fault, for some reason, and not the fact that he lives in disease-ridden Victorian England.

Spooooooooky!

We all know how this ends, right? We just want to call special attention to Scrooge's nephew, Fred. What the hell, Roger Rees? It seemed like an odd choice to play him that way, That's all. Back to whatever you were doing.

Shown: Not Fred.

Jake started having flashbacks about a quarter of the way through, but (he claims) they were the "good kind." He still ended up enjoying the movie and being impressed by George C. Scott's performance, although it's pretty dark and unrepentant.

Derek does not remember watching this before, although he is certain he has. He liked it, and agrees with Jake about how dark George C. Scott is in this.

So light a fire in the fireplace, warm up some soup, and listen to the latest episode!

Bonus Episode: Scrooged

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Merry Christmas, everybody! We're still rockin' Holiday Moviepalooza: A Big Bad O' Dickens, and we realized he had time for an extra episode! And since we couldn't get together last week for our regular recording, we did a special session and invited a friend of ours, Brian Roskey, to join in the fun! And not only that, but we even picked another movie based on Charles Dickens' classic, A Christmas Carol: Scrooged, starring Bill Murray, Karen Allen, Alfre Woodard, Carol Kane, David Johansen, Robert Mitchum, Bobcat Goldthwait, Buddy Hackett, Jamie Farr, and a ton of other great actors to round out the cast!

Bill Murray is Frank Cross, a television executive preparing for a live presentation of Scrooge on his network, IBC. He is also an incredibly narcissistic jerk who treats his family and employees like garbage, especially his secretary Grace Cooley (Woodard), whose son Calvin (Nicholas Phillips) hasn't spoken in five years, since he saw his father murdered. Can't you just feel the Christmas cheer?

During a meeting with his team, Frank is unhappy with the Scrooge promo that they have come up with, and he presents his own version, which not only sickens the team, but eventually causes a viewer to die from a heart attack when it is aired. Before that, however, one of the team, Elliot Loudermilk (Goldthwait) explains to Frank that his promo is going to scare people because "it looks like The Manson Family Christmas Special." Frank responds that he will do something about Elliot's complaint within five minutes. He then has Elliot fired and removed from the building in a little over four-and-a-half minutes.

Things do not improve after that.

Frank's boss, Preston (Mitchum), hires an "L.A. slimeball" (in Frank's words) named Brice Cummings (John Glover) to "help" Frank with the production, but Frank wants no part of Brice because, well, they're basically polar opposites. Unfortunately, Brice is tight with Preston, and appears to be slowly worming his way toward Frank's job.

That night, Frank is visited by his deceased best friend, Lew Hayward (John Forsythe), who warns him that her is heading down a dark road that could end up condemning him in the afterlife. He tells Frank that he will be visited by three ghosts, starting at noon on Christmas Eve. Then he drops Frank from his office window near the top of the office building, only for him to land in his own office chair, just as his phone self-dials his former girlfriend, Claire (Allen), who now runs a homeless shelter. Frank leaves her a message telling her that he needs to talk to her and hangs up.

Almost no makeup was used on Forsythe for this part.

The next day, while Frank is arguing with the network censor (Kate McGregor-Stewart) of a Solid Gold dancer's nipples, Claire shows up at the studio to check on him. They talk briefly before he gets distracted by noisy workers, and she sneaks away. Frank looks for her, but he can't find her, so he goes to lunch with Preston and Brice where, at noon, weird things start to happen; an eyeball appears in Frank's drink, and he thinks he sees one of the staff catching on fire, causing Preston to worry that Frank has taken on more than he can handle. Frank throws a bucket of water on the unsuspecting (and not-at-all-on-fire) waiter, and then goes outside to get a cab and go back to the office.

The cab, however, turns out to be driven by the Ghost of Christmas Past (Johansen), who takes Frank to see himself as a child. His mother is very pregnant with his brother James (later played by his real brother John Murray), and his father (his real life brother Brian Doyle-Murray) is a butcher who gives Frank five pounds of veal for Christmas.

Almost indiscernible from a regular New York taxi driver.

Next, they jump ahead to 1968, when Frank is working in the mail room of IBC. Lew spots him and tells him he needs to relax and enjoy the Christmas party, and although Frank tells him he will, he instead chooses to leave. Walking home, he meets Claire for the first time, after she hits him with a door as she's walking through it. Shortly after, Frank sees himself a year later. He and Claire are living together, and he is working on a children's show as a giant dog named Frisbee. Lew invites him and Claire to Christmas Eve dinner and Frank accepts, but Claire doesn't want to go because they had already made plans with their friends. An argument ensues, and Claire breaks it off with him, leaving Frank to continue working. Present day Frank sees what a huge mistake it was and decides he is going to talk to her about it, so he heads to the shelter she runs.

She uses the funds the shelter raises to stalk  an archaeologist she knows.

After being confronted by a group of homeless people who think he is Richard Burton, Frank finds Claire and offers to take her away from the city so they can spend time together. She wants to, but there are problems that need to be handled at the shelter. Frank tries to convince her to let the other volunteers handle it, but she wants to get them started before she leaves. Frank gets impatient and tells her to forget it, and then he leaves.

He returns to the studio in time to catch Brice calling dinner break, and after a few unfriendly words between them, everybody leaves except for Frank. As the lights in the studio shut off, he sees the Ghost of Christmas Present (Kane) -- a relentlessly cheerful fairy with a dark side that enjoys roughing him up through their journey. She takes him to see Grace's family, where he learns about what happened to Calvin, and watches as the whole family gets into a tickle fight. They seem pretty happy despite being so poor because Frank is cheap.

She also checks his lip tattoo to make sure he's not a Wakandan spy.

Next they visit Frank's brother James and his friends, who are playing Trivial Pursuit and talking about, of all things, Frank and why James keeps inviting him to Christmas dinner despite knowing he will say no. James points out, "He's my brother and I love him." The Ghost points out what a turd Frank is and then nearly tears his lip off before hitting him with a toaster, which sends him to the sewer under the street.

While Frank is trying to get someone's attention to get him out of there, he finds Herman (Michael J. Pollard), one of the homeless people who thought he was Richard Burton, frozen to death. Quite reasonably upset, he searches around for a way out of there and finds a door, which he shoulders open, only to find himself stumbling around the Scrooge set again, knocking things over and, once again, injuring the censor, who is now heavily bandaged and sitting in a wheelchair.

Brice and Grace get him calmed down and send him up to his office (after a brief scare at the elevator by what he thought was the third ghost) to check on the satellite feed for the show. As he sits, drinking a vodka and Tab (with the minimal amount of Tab), a giant skeletal hand reaches out of his TV monitors to grab him, but is interrupted when Elliot returns, very drunk and armed with a double-barrel shotgun. He wants to kill Frank for destroying his life, but he's pretty drunk, so he's not the best shot, and this gives Frank an opportunity to dive into an elevator to escape. Unfortunately, he is not alone in the elevator; he is joined by the third and final ghost: The Ghost of Christmas Yet-To-Come.

This is the kind of problem you get when you do a live broadcast.

This ghost takes Frank to see what will happen to Grace and her son Calvin, who still doesn't talk and is now in a mental institution. Then they visit Claire, who took Franks advice to "scrape them off...If you want to save somebody, save yourself." She's rich, rude, and has no time for poor people anymore. And finally, the Ghost takes him to a funeral. Unsure who it is for at first, Frank spots his sister-in-law, Wendie (Wendie Malick), and assumes it's hims brother's funeral. But when James shows up, he realizes it is his own, and he goes into meltdown mode.

But will it make a difference? Will Frank quit being a jerk and start treating people better? Will he learn to care? Let's be honest; you know how this story goes. But hey, there's a singalong at the end while Bill Murray yells at the viewers to take part and quit talking through the movie! So there's that!

Brian has seen bits and pieces of this movie before, but had never seen it all the way through, which made him viewing it this time pretty fun for everybody. He seemed a bit confused by some of the references -- Lee Majors, Solid Gold Dancers...That sort of thing. But the guys explained them to him.

Derek has liked this film since the first time he saw it. He still does. The jokes hold up, even if the very eighties references don't. Bill Murray is truly the gift that keeps on giving, and both Carol Kane and Bobcat Goldthwait alone make this movie worth viewing regularly.

Jake also has enjoyed this movie since he first saw it, and nothing much is going to change that. In particular, he seems really excited and amused to hear Robert Mitchum say the word "butthead". Like, excessively excited. It's a little worrying, to be honest.

So break out that company towel, fire up your VHS home video recorder, and check out this week's episode!