As always, I want to recommend that, if you're not a Twitter monkey yet, you should probably just go ahead and join because there are even more funny people than I've found. (Although it should be noted that the ones I have found are pretty damn funny.)
And so, without further ado, here we go!
What's that, DMX? Timmy fell down a well?— frankstatrocious (@FRANKSTALICIOUS) February 17, 2012
Day 72: My attempts at training a monkey butler has resulted in me getting three fingers bitten off. Now I must train a monkey doctor.— Blofeld Von Evil (@aka_fatman) July 5, 2014
Don't think you can win me over with your ability to make balloon animals... Oh wow. That's a sweet giraffe, bro!— Brother Ben (@TheTalkingPipe) July 6, 2014
Banned for life from the Men's Wearhouse after a routine inseam measurement ended with my violent pelvic thrusts.— Martin Munson (@wickedimproper) July 8, 2014
I'm begging you all NOT to watch my episode of TLC's "I Didn't Know I Had to Poop". I don't even know why I signed that waiver.— Ray (Sir E) (@SirEvisiae) July 8, 2014
It is I, Dawn, of the Planet of the Apes. pic.twitter.com/SplTkRZNSO— David Waghalter (@dwaghalter) July 9, 2014
This homeless dude was rap battling an empty donut box, so I gave him a few bucks and told him to never stop drinking.— CuntSmith (@csmith5050) July 9, 2014
HI MY NAME IS, WHAT? MY NAME IS, WHO? MY NAME IS CHICKA CHICKA Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC. Why don't you have a seat over there— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) May 27, 2014
Cop: Know why I stopped you? Me: because I'm Rollin in my 5.0 w/ my ragtop down so my hair can blow? Cop: Sir this is a moped Me: Yo VIP!— That Mothafucka™ (@Sal0630) October 4, 2013
*drags ass across floor like the dog MY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT, THIS FEELS MAGICAL— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) July 10, 2014
And there you have it! Like always, I hope you all have a wonderful week. Here's a little something that was forwarded to me by Kris Silva. Stick it out till the end. Good times!
Have a great week! And remember: the movie we're watching this week for Here Be Spoilers is Shaun of the Dead.
All the best,
Derek and Bosco