September 16, 2015

The Room

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Ohai, everybody! So good to see you. You look so sexy...

This week, the guys sat down to watch Tommy Wiseau's...movie, The Room. And because he's not a totally evil person, Derek allowed them to watch it riffed by the guys at RiffTrax. It made it a little less painful, but not entirely.

For instance, they had to stare at this dude's lumpy body, and it was horrible.
Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) is a banker who loves his fiancee Lisa (Juliette Danielle) and gives her everything she wants and needs. Lisa, on the other hand, is a shameless whore who wants to sleep with everybody and everything she can find, including Johnny's best friend, Mark (Greg Sestero).

She even allows this half-melted sculpture to mount her.
And this guy, too.
Her libido is unstoppable!
Oh, that's just gross.
There's also a creepy kid (Philip Haldiman), who has some sort of dark, drug-related secret, and sneaks into Johnny and Lisa's apartment for his own disturbing purposes:

WHY, DENNY?! WHY?!
And, of course, we can't forget Claudette (Carolyn Minnott), Lisa's mother, who is incredibly bad at relaying important news.


For her part, Lisa is surprisingly cavalier about it, blowing off her mother's life-shattering news by saying, "It'll be fine, mom..." Although, to be fair, Lisa's mind is probably busy trying to keep track of all the horrible, bloated sex she's having and with whom, so she can track "patient zero" for each of the hundreds of STDs she is no doubt carrying. (If we had to guess, most of them came from Johnny. Not because he's promiscuous or anything; we're just guessing he got them from Lisa, or he's some sort of terrible science experiment gone horribly awry.)

"GONORRHOEA IS TEARING ME APART, LISA!"
When Lisa decides that thin, wispy Mark is the man of her dreams, she launches into a plan to make Johnny look like a horrible person, telling everyone that he got drunk and hit her.

Johnny, for his part, is still standing by his woman, although nobody can quite understand why.

Things come to a head at Johnny's birthday party, when Lisa begins publicly dry-humping Mark while Johnny stands idly by, looking for all the world like he is in intense pain (that's his resting expression), before finally confronting the two of them.

When Lisa announces she wants to be with Mark, Johnny loses it and bad things happen.

A spirited game of football! From three feet away!
Will Johnny get it together and realize that Lisa is a terrible human being? Will Mark also come to this realization? How about Claudette? Will Denny ever stop wanting to watch Johnny rub his gross, oily, stringy body against Lisa's upsetting, bloated, linebacker-esque one? WILL THIS MOVIE EVER END?!

Jake is upset by the number of gratuitous sex scenes; especially the ones that show Tommy Wiseau's weird, lumpy body. And why does his ass have shoulder blades?!

Larry is also upset by Johnny's ass, but is also concerned about Lisa's blase attitude toward hearing her mother is suffering from breast cancer. (In Lisa's defense, Claudette seems kind of "meh" about it herself.)

Derek can't get the idea of this movie being performed by characters from the Lord of the Rings trilogy of movies out of his head. Listen in to hear his imitation of Johnny as performed by Gollum!

There's also news in The Lobby, next weekend's movie releases in Coming Soon, Larry's List, Hollywood Purgatory, and another spirited round of Cards Against Humanity!

So tune in and help us figure out just what Johnny's accent is supposed to be!