|Oh, that's okay...NOT!|
Anyway, it was a weird-ass week. First off, remember Cliven Bundy? The asshole rancher who caused an armed standoff against federal officers because he didn't want to pay grazing fees for his cattle? Yeah, well, the asshole doesn't fall far from the buttocks.
Oregon police are advisin' citizens to call 911 if the armed protesters suddenly start usin' toy guns and turn black. #OregonStandoff— Tea Pain (@TeaPainUSA) January 3, 2016
Oregon militia standoff: Day 2 pic.twitter.com/y7prUrGrkT— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) January 4, 2016
Bundy: "WE WILL LEAVE IF THE LOCALS WANT US TO." Sheriff: "We don't want you here. Go home." Bundy: "HE'S LYING."— King of Tωitter (@TonyNoland) January 5, 2016
Bundy's son is currently holed-up with a bunch of guns (but a decided lack of snacks -- they're not very good planners, it seems) in a nature reserve in Oregon, because, as we all know, nature reserves are a shining symbol of the gub'mint's excessive overreach of something something something. Whatever.
Look; these guys are morons. And the government isn't exactly blowing us away with their lack of action. As has been pointed out numerous times on Twitter, if these guys were black, they'd have been shot dead before the takeover even made CNN.
In other news, the Powerball is currently standing at $1.4 billion. (Or, after taxes, $13.26) And the lottery insanity is in high gear.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving] PEOPLE: won't be me [1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball] PEOPLE: you never know— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 7, 2016
I don’t know about evil but I’m pretty sure money is the root of owning an ice cream machine and that’s good enough for me.— James (@badplans) January 9, 2016
Idk what id do with 800million dollars but the first 5 things that come to mind suggest that maybe its healthier if I dont win— Mark Marusich (@NoticablyBacon) January 9, 2016
Heck, I even bought a ticket! And I don't usually play the lottery! I JUST WANT TO BE A PART OF THING, OKAY?!?
And finally, Donald Trump probably said something stupid and then doubled down to make it even more offensive. Frankly, I'm sick of talking about the guy. So now I'm gonna stop doing that.
Anyhow, there were a bunch of awesomeness over on Twitter, and I happened to grab some of them to show you! Neat, right? Let's take a look at 'em, won't we? In no particular order...
There's a 150% chance that Kylo Ren has an acoustic guitar in his room and some song lyrics he has "just been tinkering around with."— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) January 4, 2016
Autocorrect just changed butter cake to bukkake and now I'm getting MUCH better recipe ideas on Pinterest.— Jorty McPocketComb (@DoucheyBaggins) October 30, 2015
[grabs mic at dentist convention] I'M THE 5TH DENTIST. I ALWAYS AGREED WITH THE OTHER 4- *struggling noises* IT'S ALL LIES-— Floyd (@dafloydsta) January 4, 2016
I understand if these YeeHawdists get their wish to become martyred, they'll be rewarded with 72 cousins in the afterlife #OregonUnderAttack— Alex (@YourYakiri) January 4, 2016
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? I saw my dad again after he said buffalo.— Mat (@MatCro) January 2, 2015
being an adult is so cool. you can do all the things you weren't allowed to as a kid. like right now- i'm paying bills and crying in my soup— dry toast (@bourgeoisalien) January 5, 2016
The superpower I want most is to automatically make people fart super loudly every time they say the words "my career" in my vicinity— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) January 8, 2016
i saw a beautiful girl in a tight short dress carrying a microwave down the street i have never been so turned on— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) January 9, 2016
Stalker Diary - day 423 Turns out he doesn't flush his used condoms. I hope our baby has his eyes.— That Girl (@myonlymizztake) January 8, 2016
The best thing about watching shark attacks are my multiple orgasms.— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) January 9, 2016
And there you have it! Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. (Although there is no reason for me to be smug about it. After all, I wasn't the one that wrote them.) Now get out there and have an awesome rest of the week! And to help it along, here's a disturbingly creepy video of Macaulay Culkin as a grown-up Kevin McCallister. I would also recommend you find the follow-up video, as well as the one done by Daniel Stern as Harry...Creepy...
All the best,
Derek and Bosco