September 21, 2016

Cutthroat Island Jason X

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A note from Derek:

Okay, look...I know I said I picked Cutthroat Island for this episode, but I just couldn't do it. Not because the movie was bad, as such, but because it wasn't really anything. I tried watching it once last week, only to fall asleep within fifteen minutes of viewing. I tried a second time a few days later, and I saw the whole thing. And now, only a few days after, I cannot remember a single thing about it. That should tell you what you need to know.

Literally, the most exciting thing in the movie, and even this is kinda "blah".

So I decided to call an audible for this week's show. I was not going to sit and watch this movie again, and chose Jason X, which is infinitely better and, in my opinion, far more entertaining. To soften the blow for Larry and Jake, I also snuck Troy Parker over to join us, and it turns out he loves Jason X, too, so it was a win all around!

Sparks were flying!
Anyway, let's do this. -- Derek


This week, the guys sat down to watch Jason X, the tenth installment in the Friday the 13th series. It stars Kane Hodder as Jason, and although it's goofy as shit--Jason In Space, essentially--he plays it like the raging, silent serial killer we all know and love.

It is, it seems, immediately after the events of Jason Goes to Hell, although it is unclear as to how Jason is alive again, as he was last seen on the bottom of Crystal Lake. However, he's back and has been captured by a government organization that appears to be headed by evil Egon Spengler (David Cronenberg), who wants to study Jason's rapid cell regeneration.

A scientist, Rowan (Lexa Doig), thinks it's an extremely bad idea, and Jason should be destroyed or, at the very least, stuck right where he is, chained to the ceiling in a big ol' empty warehouse.

So he can learn to be all murdery in a responsible way.
Unfortunately, nobody bothered to ask Jason what he wanted to do, and so he takes matters into his own hands, killing the one guard who they have put in charge of this apparently immortal pile of hate and rage. When the others come to see Jason, they find the dead guy, and are almost all chopped into a fine, bloody mist.

The only exception is Rowan, who manages to get her hands on a gun and shoots Jason to get his attention. As expected, it works and he angrily lurches toward her, unaware that he is stepping into a cryostasis chamber. Rowan locks him inside, happy with herself and the job she has done, until Jason, who is, again, a mass of pissed-off murdery-ness, uses his hate-strength to stab her through the cryochamber door with his favorite machete. This causes the chamber to leak, freezing both of them until...

445 years later, when a teacher (Jonathan Potts as Professor Lowe) and a group of cardboard cutouts masquerading as his students visit  Earth (they all live on Earth II, which, while a healthier planet, everyone agrees it is not as good as the original), they find the chamber, Jason, and Rowan. Rowan is still alive-ish, and Jason is a murder-cicle, so they load them onto their shuttle and take both up the the main ship, where the students revive Rowan with the application of nanotechnology, chainmail bedclothes, and underpants removal. Another student is left to dig out gross things from inside Jason's eyehole. Needless to say, he comes alive and takes it kind of personally.

This scene is truly smashing.
Thus begins a new trail of dead bodies, but this time there's not nearly as many places to run away because, well, the endless vacuum of space is your only other option.

Fortunately for Professor Lowe and his students, the ship they're on comes standard with a team of space marines who are supposed to be able to protect you from exactly this sort of situation. Their sergeant, Brodski (Peter Mensah), is a pretty level-headed guy whose priority is the safety of the people on the ship, even if one of them is an insufferable dickweed who wants to keep Jason alive and sell him on some sort of black market or something.

Brodski's compromise: Let me filet this guy and then you can sell him.
The other space marines are quickly turned to soup, and even Brodski gets kebabed, leaving everyone's fate at the hands of a guy with a hockey mask who, let's be honest, is not really a people person.

And a combination murderbot/sexbot that one of those kooky kids built.
When it looks as though all is lost, one of the students (Chuck Campbell as Tsunaron) instructs his android, KM-14 (Lisa Ryder), to kick the shit out of Jason. She does exactly that, shooting off his murderin' arm, one of his legs, and a solid three-quarters of his head. Problem solved.

Funny thing: All that awesome technology that brought Rowan back from the dead, also does the same for Jason, going so far as to rebuild most of his body and his entire head, and encasing it all in bulletproof metal!

Uber-Jason's first act is to punch off KM-14's head. Literally.

The gang's next move is to try and stop at a colony out in space. Let's look at that closer, shall we?

Here is a ship with a murderous lunatic onboard, and he is more-or-less confined, albeit with a small group of people who are not half-robotic murderers, so bad for them. However, taking it to a colony would introduce Jason to a whole new pile of people to murder to death. Probably not the wisest move.

Of course, they could always try to distract him while they escape.
Unfortunately, they are unable to stop the ship in time because Jason has murdered their pilot, so the ship plows through the colony, essentially killing every single person in there anyway.

They then find that Brodski is alive and, with his help, they put a whole bunch of explosives in the corridors linking the two sides of the ship because the other side is leaking oxygen. The explosion separates the sections, but Jason manages to get onto the one the students are on, and he wants a little bit of retribution.

After making contact with another ship in the area, they make plans to escape and leave Jason on their own ship. When the ship finally arrives, the survivors attempt to leave, but the door won't open. It has to be repaired before they can leave, so Brodski volunteers. And in order to keep Jason distracted, they use a holodeck to make him believe that he is back at Crystal Lake, where he sees some campers who invite him to "drink beer, smoke pot, and have premarital sex...We love premarital sex!"

Jason responds accordingly.

Remember, kids: Premarital sex can kill you!
This is just enough of a distraction for the kids to get to the rescue ship and see their own ship explode in a ball of fire, debris, and one very unhappy serial killer, who comes flying through space to get them. Fortunately, they are saved when Brodski, who was left outside when the explosion happened, maneuvers himself into position to tackle Jason and basically wakeboard on his body down through the planet's atmosphere, where they are quickly, and amusingly, deep fried.

Could this be the end of Jason?

No. No it isn't. But it is for this movie...

Derek picked this movie and absolutely loves it because it is so damn goofy. His favorite Jason kill of all time is the whole sleeping back thing (see above), which needs to be viewed in its entirety to be properly enjoyed.

Larry also loves the movie, and he thinks you should watch it. A lot. All the time. Seriously, stop reading this and go watch it. Then watch it again. He'll wait.

Jake digs this movie, although it's not his favorite. He also has a fascinating theory about Jason's junk which truly has to be heard to be appreciated. You will never be able to watch one of these movies the same way again.

Troy was shocked and pleased to discover this was the movie Derek picked because it was the first horror movie he snuck into as a kid. This was the first time he'd seen it since then, and he had forgotten how silly and fun it was.

So sharpen up your machete, put on your hockey mask, and take a stab at this week's episode!