If u want to find out Justins first song hes performing tweet me— Matt Lauer (@MLauer) June 15, 2012
HRC, how can we defeat IS without aligning ourselves with brutal regional militias?— Internet, Eh? (@InternetEh) September 8, 2016
Mr. Trump, what sound does a doggie make?
Transcript of Trump at the Commander-in-Chief Forum pic.twitter.com/mqJjhTJlHf— Daniel Lin (@DLin71) September 8, 2016
@HillaryClinton was angry + defensive the entire time - no smile and uncomfortable - upset that she was caught wrongly sending our secrets.— Reince Priebus (@Reince) September 8, 2016
Actually, that’s just what taking the office of President seriously looks like. https://t.co/Pyn92mesom— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) September 8, 2016
|Aaaaand boom goes the dynamite.|
|Thank you! I'll be here all week!|
"Sir, you're spreading hate, you don't understand foreign policy, and you're being sued by little girls."— Anne Wheaton (@AnneWheaton) September 9, 2016
"Yeah, but she keeps coughing!"
|A dramatization of a possible debate without moderators.|
ME, AN ANDROID USER: I plug my headphones into this headphone jack— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) September 10, 2016
YOU, AN IPHONE USER: I like paying more for things that are expensive
|Apple's new spokesperson explains their marketing strategy.|
Cable internet providers should just come out and say "your porn will download so much faster!"— Acher Schumpeter (@schumoo) September 3, 2016
if you say jagermeister 3 times in the mirror my cousin bryce will show up and choke you out with his wallet chain— Jhorts (@JhonRules) September 5, 2016
I made you a mix tape half cassette half VHS— The Bacon-Nate-or (@bacon_gillepic) September 6, 2016
If you loved me you'll figure out how to play it!
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.— barbara the ninja (@ninjadinosaur1) August 16, 2016
Old video games taught me a lot about adulthood. It's hard, there are no save points, and there's a cool prison level after fighting my boss— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) September 6, 2016
I just want to be in a reality where Van Halen's song Ice Cream Man is the national anthem & it's legal to to bludgeon people that say YOLO.— Lord Goomba (@ObscureGent) September 7, 2016
Today I reached the pinnacle of my career.— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) September 8, 2016
I used the term "thunder cunt" in a professional context.
Estar Guars?— ₦ꀧx (@Nikkeya08) August 15, 2016
Obee Wonky No Bee
-Sofia Vergara talking about Star Wars
Pro Tip: Never buy your sex change with a Groupon.— Head Squeezer (@HeadSqueezer) September 10, 2016
Movie idea: romantic comedy about twitter crushes. Directed by David Lynch. Staring two canned hams. Narrated by hooker speaking backwards.— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) September 22, 2015
|Too late, dude. We're finished.|