Welcome to Week Two of Holiday Moviepalooza, where the guys settled in for another holiday classic, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, starring John Call as Santa Claus, Leonard Hicks as Kimar, Leila Martin as Momar, Vincent Beck as Voldar, Bill McCutcheon as Dropo ("The Laziest Man on Mars"), Doris Rich as Mrs. Claus (or Ms. Claus, depending on your info source), Carl Don as Chochem, Victor Stiles as Billy, Donna Conforti as Betty, Chris Month as Bomar, and Pia Zadora as Girmar.
If you are like anybody here at Ugly Couchcast Industries, at best you recognize exactly one of those names, and even then, it's a pretty solid bet that you have no idea why, other than if you've seen this movie.
Kimar, a Martian who appears to holds some kind of status, and his wife, Momar, are worried about their children, Bomar and Girmar. They are quiet, well-behaved, industrious, and intelligent. Something is clearly wrong. The one thing they seem to have in common with "normal" kids like the ones here on Earth is that they spend hours staring blankly at television programs. And, in a Shyamalan Twist of epic proportions, the shows the Martian children are addicted to are the same ones kids on Earth watch!
After seeing what amounts to a 60 Minutes-style investigative piece on Santa's workshop, the Martian kids become infatuated with confusing things like toys, emotions, and why their father regularly roofies them so they will sleep.
Concerned for his children, Kimar consults with a sentient pile of dust bunnies named Chochem and decides there is only one thing to do: he must take a crew and kidnap Santa Claus so he can be forced to entertain these dull-eyed, creepy green children.
|Please, God...Let me die...|
|Turns out Dropo isn't lazy; he was having a stroke!|
|Try not to become lost in Voldar's mustache like the guys did.|
|Next on Fox, When High School Mascots Attack!|
|Torg is made from nothing but the best discarded garbage from Goodwill.|
|The kids have shut down the factory! They're demanding we pay them!|
Will Kimar do what he can to save Dropo? Will Santa bring joy and lots of cheap toys to the kids of Mars? Will Shim ever learn how to properly pronounce "nuclear"? Will Betty ever manage a complete sentence from her dumb face-hole that makes any sense? (In order: Sorta, we think so, no, and abso-fucking-lutely not.) You'll have to tune in to get the whole story! But as a little teaser, here's the fight scene between Voldar and Kimar! It's awful!
Derek is upsettingly aggressive toward Betty, and nobody is really sure why. He also gets angry about Shim's inability to say a simple word correctly. However, whenever Voldar's mustache is onscreen, all is forgiven and forgotten. It is...transcendent.
Jake had not seen this before, so he went in cold. And came out the other end still cold, but also bitter and angry. However, he could hold no anger toward the hypnotic allure of Voldar's soft, downy mustache. It represents all that is good in the world.
Larry is angry at Derek for making him watch this movie unriffed, and he is sick, so that probably didn't help much. It must be said, though, that when lost in the comforting warmth of Voldar's lush, welcoming mustache, all is forgiven...Aaaaaalllll is forgiven....
So attach a (non-working) gas pipe to your head, take your food pills, and download this week's episode!