Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hey, everybody! It's been another busy week. So let's get to it, shall we?

First off, Angry Orange continues to not make friends with anybody. From his asinine Executive Orders, to his ridiculous nominees for cabinet positions, to his tweets, he just can't seem to get anybody to like him.

Hey @realDonaldTrump I oppose civil asset forfeiture too! Why don't you try to destroy my career you fascist, loofa-faced, shit-gibbon!

— Daylin Leach (@daylinleach) February 7, 2017

Dear @realDonaldTrump,
Help. I can't get this jar of olives open. Can you ask President Bannon to come open it with his big, strong hands? pic.twitter.com/opOs2CrPw6

— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) February 9, 2017

Maybe he should, I dunno, just maybe not talk anymore or anything ever again. That'd be fine.

I have no caption for this. It's just awesome.

Angry Orange's people, it turns out, aren't doing much better. His spokesogre, Kellyanne Conway, sort of obliterated ethics rules when, after Nordstrom's announced they would no longer carry Ivanka Trump's merchandise (not the first or last to say they will drop the line), she suggested on television that everyone should buy Ivanka's stuff. Twitter went right after her.

This is the federal ethics law that @KellyannePolls just violated
cc: @OfficeGovEthics @jasoninthehouse pic.twitter.com/EivJeFd7wY

— Chris Lu (@ChrisLu44) February 9, 2017

When @KellyannePolls tells you to buy @IvankaTrump wear, remember she once wore this and thought she looked hawt pic.twitter.com/cGB7YiC8Tq

— TBogg (@tbogg) February 9, 2017

"I resent the implication that this administration is shamelessly plugging Ivanka Trump's clothing line." pic.twitter.com/5IxEq0qz8e

— Grover (@XGroverX) February 9, 2017

So there's that. Unfortunately, all of the hostility Angry Orange and the Crypt Keeper have directed at Nordstrom's is misdirected, as the retailer claims it's just because there has been a steady decline in sales of Ivanka's stuff.

See previous caption.

And while huge (or YUGE) protests against Angry Orange and his gang of idiots continue almost daily, his supporters try and try, but ultimately fail.

Q: What's better than a trumpauguration with less than 300K in attendance?
A: A sorry-ass rally with only 8.https://t.co/SFqx1Od6XT

— BrooklynDad_Defiant! (@mmpadellan) February 7, 2017

Those guys really need a hug.

No prepared caption here, either, but a Happy 40th Anniversary to
the greatest sports movie ever: Slap Shot.

In my little part of the world, I discovered a dark, but helpful hack that's just a little bit too late because I'm no longer at Verizon.

"I'm not really supposed to do this," says the Verizon employee, showing you the setting on your phone that unbinds love from sorrow.

— Jackson Crawford (@Norsebysw) April 13, 2016

Along with this revelation, I saw the greatest thing I have ever seen, and you missed it.

I don't care how good your day is; my day is better. I just saw a dwarf chasing after an old man on a mobility scooter.

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) February 11, 2017

And, of course, there were tweets. A bunch of them, and some weren't even about politics! Shocking, right? So let's have a look at some, won't we? In no particular order...

Facebook: Here are 800 photos of my kid's dance recital. Isn't she beautiful?

Twitter: This one time, I set my kid on fire. It didn't work.

— Amy (@MsFoxIfUrNasty) July 12, 2016

I bet Wizards feel real fuckin stupid using Owl Post once they find out about e-mail

— POOPSCRUFFIN4U (@POOPSCRUFFIN4U) July 18, 2015

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

— stabbatha christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 7, 2017

Just act normal and your GF won't know you're seeing you old porcupine GF on the side. pic.twitter.com/7CTKwjhJCc

— MyNameIsPappyG (@MyNameIsPappyG) February 9, 2017

One time I was playing mad-libs with my cousin. We ended up with "Hunch-dick of Notre Cheese." I don't think I'll write anything that funny.

— Evan Leslie Jones (@Frodeziac) February 9, 2017

[Me hosting a cooking show]

"And finally a splash of fish sau FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IS THIS MADE FROM THE DEVIL'S VAGINA?"

— Boo Meringue (@Izianikapani) May 26, 2015

Oh god, why didn't we listen when they told us to wait at least an hour after eating? pic.twitter.com/JQfHZKPaS4

— batkaren (@batkaren) January 29, 2017

My washing machine died so I'm doing laundry in my jacuzzi bathtub, just like the Pilgrims used to do.

— Julz&©offee (@lovejulieacafe) January 16, 2017

I wanna make a fashion blog... pic.twitter.com/1jT6izU1pD

— Jesse Fernandez (@JesseFernandez) April 17, 2016

It's like your mom always said

*sloppy blowjob sounds*

— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) June 5, 2016

And there you have it! Now get out there and have an awesome week.To help it along, here's a pointless song from the 80s that still makes me smile at its ridiculousness.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco