April 26, 2017

Forbidden Planet

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Once again, Derek has pulled the guys back from the abyss of nearly unwatchable movies, and after having to endure the awful Karate Kid III last week, they needed the palate cleanser that is 1953's Forbidden Planet, starring Walter Pidgeon, Anne Francis, Leslie Nielsen, and a bunch of other white guys in grey pantsuits. Oh, and it also stars a relative of the B-9 robot from Lost In Space, Robbie the Robot.

The Future!
Good news, everyone! It's The Future!!! The 22nd Century, in fact. And not only has man achieved interstellar space travel, but he has colonized other planets! Including the distant world of Altaire IV, the destination of United Planets cruiser C57D, where they are going to relieve the crew of the Bellerophon expedition, which landed there twenty years ago.

When they reach the planet and attempt to make contact, they are greeted by a crotchety old man, Dr. Morbius (Walter Pidgeon), who tells them everything is fine and they should just go away and leave him alone. The ship's commander, Commander Adams (Leslie Nielsen), is having no part of that, and he insists that they land and have a look around the place, just to make sure everything's okay. Morbius reluctantly agrees and gives them coordinates where they can land their ship.

"And where can I put my weiner in this thing?"
Once they land, they are greeted by Robbie, a large, clunky robot who reminds some people (not naming names...yet; this is how we build suspense) of the Michelin Man. He takes them to see Morbius. Adams takes the ship's doctor, Lieutenant Ostro (Warren Stevens), along with him in case anybody from the Bellerophon needs medical treatment or folksy advice.

When they arrive at Morbius' residence, they find only him. When they question him about it, he explains that something killed almost the entire crew, except for him and his wife, who died later of natural causes, and then it never came back. Naturally suspicious, Adams insists that he and his crew hang around for a bit to make sure there's nothing sketchy going on. This decision is immediately thought to be the best idea ever when Morbius' daughter, Altaira (Anne Francis) makes an appearance, looking young, vibrant, and leggy. This being the 1953 version of The Future!!!, every single male who comes in contact with her suddenly becomes a drooling horndog that wants to smash their gross, sweaty naughty bits against her innocent, virginal naughty bits.

After reeling in Dr. Ostro, Adams very strongly insists they stay to make sure whatever killed the rest of the Bellerophon's crew is truly gone. Much to the disappointment of Morbius, Adams says that building the weapons and radar they need to search the whole planet would involve taking apart most of their ship. Hoping to move things along a little faster, Morbius offers up Robbie's services as a fabricator to help make up some of the materials they need. He then gives them a tour of an alien laboratory built into the core of the planet, and explains that there is a computer that he is trying to learn to work. You know, like you do with mysterious alien technology. Everything will probably be just fine.

While delivering some of the shielding they need the next day, Robbie meets Cookie (Earl Holliman), the ship's cook, who immediately devises a plan to have Robbie make some booze for him. Robbie, wanting to be helpful, offers to make up 60 gallons, and Cookie quietly soils himself with joy.

"And where can I put my weiner in this thing?"
At the same time, one of the other crewmen (possibly Richard Anderson...?) is hanging out in the woods, trying to convince Altaira that what she really needs is for him to try and ram his tongue down her throat, which he does, only to be given the weenie-shrinking response that it's not doing anything for her. Before he can further attempt to molest her and leave her for dead in the forest, Commander Adams catches them and lectures Altaira about going around lookin' all woman-y. Suitably angered and, just possibly, aroused, she storms back to the house and insists Robbie make her what sounds like a burka, judging by her description.

Meanwhile, Adams and his crew test out the new weapons they built by shooting some defenseless rocks. Cookie goes to meet Robbie and pick up his order, and when he returns, something follows him, sneaking on to the ship and killing one of the crewmen. Adams, somewhat upset by this, insists that a perimeter fence is built so they will have some kind of warning if it happens again.

Cookie ends up dead, and this time, the something tries to break through the perimeter, causing the fences to shock it while Adams and his crew ineffectually shoot at it. It doesn't hurt the creature, but it does cause it to go away after killing a few more crew members. Adams decides he needs to check on Morbius and Altaira, and he once again takes the doctor along for the ride.

It is not a small , like they first believed.
When they arrive, Robbie won't let them in, but Altaira overrides her father's order. She leads them to his study, where he finds them looking through his papers. Just then, the critter appears and starts destroying the house, so they take refuge in the lab, leaving poor Robbie to have to deal with whatever it is that is trying to eat all of them.

Will our intrepid crew survive? Will Robbie defeat the monster? Will Adams just give in and admit that he wants to bump uglies with Altaira, just like the rest of his men do? And what is Morbius hiding? You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek picked this one, because he felt the other guys were starting to think he only liked garbage movies. This is definitely not one of those. He will fight anyone who claims otherwise, as well as anyone who disparages Robbie. He says so over and over.

Jake was prepared to hate-fuck this movie into oblivion, having never seen it before. But he was pleasantly surprised to find himself enjoying it, despite Morbius' decidedly handsy approach to his own daughter. That dude has some issues. Jake wants a reboot. He is wrong.

Larry was also pleasantly surprised by the quality ofthe film, especially considering how old it is. He's also disturbed by the affection Morbius projects toward his daughter, but he is more upset by Robbie's design, believing the robot looks like the Michelin man. (See?) He also wants a reboot. He is also wrong.

So get your pantsuit, load up your "Pew-pew-pew" gun, and check out this week's episode!