Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Hi, guys!

I hope all of you are doing well. My week is going pretty good so far, so let's try to keep that happening with some weird-ass video game GIFs.

Er...Achievement...Unlocked...?

Anyway, last week we here in the U.S. celebrated Independence Day, which memorializes the day that Will Smith punched an alien in the face and said, "Welcome to Earff!" At the same time, President Bill Pullman and Jeff Goldblum frowned a lot! We celebrate by drinking a lot and blowing shit up. It's totally patriotic and stuff.

me: son, we celebrate the 4th cause this is the day george jefferson signed the declaration of hotdogs & chinese fireworks
son: jesus christ

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) July 4, 2017

It's the end of the 4th of July, time for all Americans to come together & sing the national anthem: pic.twitter.com/VYOGkEvSpk

— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) July 5, 2017

Okay, maybe I got a few of the facts wrong, but you get the idea.

The accuracy in this, however, is flawless.

In end-of-the-world news, Angry Orange attended the G20 conference, where he met with his handler to receive new marching orders. While there, he says he firmly asked Vladimir Putin whether Russia was involved in messing with the 2016 election, and Putin said that, no, Russia was not involved.

Maybe when Putin & Trump come out they'll be covered in human fluids and waste and will tell us all they're an act called the Aristocrats

— Modern John Francis (@realjohnfrancis) July 7, 2017

Sorry, but once in a while I make myself laugh. pic.twitter.com/KLcKZSVVqZ

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) July 8, 2017

quick let's make a travel ban against anthropomorphic nutsacks before we let trump back in

— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) July 8, 2017

Whew! What a relief! I mean, we've spent all this time, gathering evidence and having hearings and hiring independent investigators and all that, and it turns out that all we had to do was ask! I guess we can close down all the investigations, right?

This is how Angry Orange writes his tweets.

Another sign of the upcoming Apocalypse came in the form of an announcement that Jay-Z is coming out with a new album.

NEW JAY Z TRACKLIST LOOK CRAZY pic.twitter.com/iQexdaoIIf

— DVS (@DVSblast) June 29, 2017

On the plus side, at least it isn't a Kanye West album.

Eat my dust, Wilbur!

As for my week...It had its ups-and-downs, as well as a "what the hell?" moment that may or may not lead to a new t-shirt design.

Mmm...Fish milk... pic.twitter.com/UY2DrkFDeV

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) July 5, 2017

Someone is not too happy about being given a bath, but remains optimistic that treats will occur as a result. pic.twitter.com/XQinMymsau

— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) July 8, 2017

Guess which one it is...

This is why I don't skateboard anymore.

And then there were tweets. Twitter was alive with snarky goodness, funny jokes, and downright weirdness. So, as I tend to do, I grabbed a bunch of them so I could show them to you, Dear Reader! So let's have a look, in no particular order.

You know that tingly feeling when you fall in love?

That's common sense leaving your body

— Shōgun of Twîtter (@shwebby3) May 29, 2017

This will always be one of the most purely perfect things the Internet has ever given us. pic.twitter.com/5t7V4S871n

— JD (@nevesytrof) July 3, 2017

To celebrate the 4th of July, I'm going to walk around the mall parking lot putting hot dogs under people's windshield wipers.

— Del Freaky (@iAmDelFreaky) July 3, 2017

it would suck for Ice-T if he loved iced tea. Jokes from waiters. etc. Likewise would suck for Seal if he was clubbed to death on a beach

— tarragon fan (@TomWerpa) October 25, 2016

Colour has a u in it. So does superior, Nantucket, and banana. All fish can read French. Mice are baby gerbils. Americans sound funny.

— Klaatu barada nikto (@redtache) July 3, 2017

Sometimes I'll wear a tuxedo to the zoo just to see the penguins reactions. Am I a man to them or a giant penguin? I'll never know.

— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) July 3, 2017

I literally just spent five minutes trying to remember the phrase, "hardware store."

"TOOL STORE, no, WRENCH PLACE, nope, THINGYLAND, no."

— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) July 7, 2017

TUTANKHAMUN: Are there any dog-head guys with a staff?
*BUZZ*
PAT SAJAKH: Sorry, no dog-head guys with a staff
TUT: Should've bought an ankh

— Ray (@SirEviscerate) July 8, 2017

Me: *dying

Priest: God has a plan

Me: *dies, goes to heaven

God: Great you're here. Can you get me the remote off the table?

— Obi (@ThaJawn) July 1, 2017

There was a time when "break dancer" was a feasible career choice.

— Lord Goomba (@ObscureGent) July 6, 2017

And there you have it! Now get out there and have a great week! To help it along, here's a Star Wars short called "The Solo Adventures" from The DAVE School!

Now I need a beverage...

My life is a Benny Hill sketch...

All the best,
Derek and Bosco