Critters II: The Main Course

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Four years ago, Jake threatened Derek and Larry with the 1986 movie that involved way too many talented actors working alongside what appeared to be angry porcupines with lots of teeth, Critters. And he made good on that threat.

And now, much like the bounty hunters (Terrence Mann as Ug and Randy Spears as "Nothingface" Lee) and their drunk friend Charlie McFadden (Don Opper), the guys have returned to the town of Grover's Bend for more Gremlins-adjacent carnage!

The above-mentioned bounty hunters receive a call from their boss, a talking testicle with arms, who informs them that they have to go back to Earth because they didn't kill off all of the Crites two years ago. Before they leave for Earth, Ug promotes Charlie to full-fledged bounty hunter, and then they're on their way.

Bounty hunters? Or extras from a Warrant video? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

On Earth, Brad (Scott Grimes) is on his way back to Grover's Bend for the first time since the Crite outbreak two years before, and he is there to visit his Nana (Herta Ware) for Easter. He left because the entire town believed he was responsible for what happened. (Nobody's complaining about Billy Zane being gone, either, but you don't see him showing up and ruining everything.) When he gets there, he sees Megan (Liane Curtis), a former classmate who now helps her father run the local paper, being harassed by Wesley (Tom Hodges). Brad intervenes and sends Wesley packing. To show her gratitude, Megan offers Brad a ride to Nana's, where Nana is badgering the small children the watches about eating healthier.

Wesley, meanwhile, has contacted Quigley (Douglas Rowe) about buying some weird-looking eggs he found in a barn. Quigley is interested, and a deal for beer is made, which Wesley alters slightly by grabbing some of Quigley's vintage Playboy magazines. Quigley, in turn, contacts Nana, who wants to buy the eggs for the church's Easter egg hunt that's happening the next day.

The bounty hunters arrive on Earth, and Charlie, like a pig to a truffle, finds one a Playboy magazine that fell off of Wesley's truck as it drove by. Lee sees the centerfold and decides to turn into the woman in the magazine (Roxanne Kernohan).

Their quarry: These happy little dudes.

At the church, dozens of elderly women paint the eggs, completely unaware of what's inside them, for the next day. Nana also harangues Sheriff Corwin (David Ursin) into dressing up as the Easter bunny. He's not psyched about it, but he agrees anyway.

The next day, things go bad when the eggs start hatching, and Sheriff Corwin is the first victim, dying in the Easter bunny suit as he tries to fix the zipper. The bounty hunters arrive in town just as the Crites, having smelled food, lay waste to The Hungry Heifer, a restaurant in town. Ug and Lee rush in and attack the Crites, killing a number of them, and then are confronted by the manager (Eddie Deezen--the real hero of this film), who demands to know who will pay for the damages. Lee, taking in the heroic, manly form of Deezen, decides that he is the right form to take, and does so, leading to an upsetting visual of Deezen in thigh-high leather boots and a bikini top chasing after the Crites.

Star power!

Megan and Brad head to Quigley's to find out where he got the eggs, only to discover he has been killed by the Crites. Their next stop is the outskirts of town to contact Harv (Barry Corbin), who had been the sheriff back during the first attack, and was voted out of office immediately after. They ask for his help, and he responds that there is no way he is going to help the town after the way they treated him. Then he hops in his car and leaves.

 That evening, Lee turns back into the Playboy centerfold (thanks to Charlie, who keeps her from turning into Freddy Kruger at the last moment. They keep tracking the Crites, and Lee wanders into an ambush, where the Crites kill and eat her.

If only he had let her be Freddy...

Ugg drops back into Nothingface form out of depression, and Charlie has to bring him back to the church, where everyone in town is hiding from the Crites.

At the church, the men are taking turns keeping watch, and one of them is eaten pretty quickly. Brad, despondent about Harv not coming back with him, goes outside to have a look around, only to find the guy who was eaten moments before. Just as he's about to be attacked himself, he is saved by Harv, who decided to give the townsfolk another chance and also shoot a lot of tiny monsters. The to of them return to the church and offer up a plan to everyone else, but are interrupted when an elderly local points out that it's probably no coincidence that this is happening just as Brad has returned. Pushing on, a plan is made, involving the Hungry Heifer meat processing plant in town, a pile of cheeseburgers, and some explosives. (Conveniently located at the local hardware store!) But will it work?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Will the Crites, convinced that there's free food available, forego humans for tasty burger-y goodness? Will Brad and the others manage too kill all the Crites? Will all the buttons on Harv's sheriff shirt hold until the end? Will Charlie ever not look like he just stepped out of a sweat lodge filled with beer farts? And will Magan ever give Brad a chance to play some tonsil hockey?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek actually enjoyed this movie. He even liked it more than the original. He was also pleased to see Eddie Deezen in there. His obsession with Deezen and Clint Howard is really starting to worry the rest of us. Please send help.

Jake liked it, too, but not as much, In fact, he thinks that each time he watches it, it gets worse, compared to the original, which he feels gets better each time. He has some real issues that he is going to have to work out.

Larry was sick, so he didn't make it to the recording.

So put on your 80s hair and pleather space outfit, fire up the grill, and check out this week's episode!

Return of the Living Dead Part II

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Zombies! Is there anything they can't do? Horror...drama...comedy...

What's that you say? Zombies don't do comedy? Of course they do. For example, check out Billy Connolly in Fido. Great flick. Technically, you can also count the Deadites in Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness as zombies. So there's no reason to assume that comedy is not a viable genre for the differently-alive. And yet...

This time around, the guys sat down to watch Return of the Living Dead Part II. According to Larry and Jake, it is basically the same movie as Return of the Living Dead, so if you've seen that one, you can pretty much skip this description and just listen to the show.

For those of you who, like Derek, never saw the first one, it's the story of Jesse (Michael Kenworthy), a young boy who just wants to be part of the "cool" gang, which consists of Billy (Thor Van Lingen) and Johnny (Jason Hogan). After some brief haggling, a deal is struck, and Jesse is allowed in. But before he becomes a full member, he has to go through his initiation, which involves being locked in a mausoleum. He's not keen on the idea, but the others insist, shoving him inside. Jesse wisely attempts to find a way out, but falls and lands next to a rotting corpse.

At the same time, two grave robbers, Ed (James Karen) and Joey (Thom Mathews), are heading into the cemetery to go to work. Joey's girlfriend, Brenda (Suzanne Snyder), waits in the van.

Idiots.

Earlier, a military convoy is transporting barrels somewhere, but as the military is wont to do in this sort of film, nobody made sure the barrels were stored securely, and three of them fall off one of the truck. While two are recovered, one manages to fall into a nearby creek.

Ed and Joey enter the mausoleum, allowing Jesse to escape, and then they begin sawing off corpse heads, which appears to be the primary source of income for that particular job, as well as loot jewelry from the coffins. Joey is not sure he wants to do this after all, but Ed draws him back in with promises of a bracelet for Brenda.

Billy and Johnny see Jesse running, and they take after him, chasing him into the woods and down by the creek, where they discover the barrel that fell from the military truck. They pop off the cover on the bottom and find another cap, this one see-through, and a corpse's face presses against it. Jesse takes off, heading home.

Darn kids! No respect for the dead (in a barrel)!

Making it back home, Jesse is caught by his older sister, Lucy (Marsha Dietlein), who is supposed to be watching him, but is doing aerobics in front of the TV. She tells him he has to go up to his room and do his homework, but he has a different idea: he needs to alert the military about the barrel he and the other two boys found earlier. So he grabs a flashlight and heads out, sneaking past his sister, who is dealing with the cable guy, Tom (Dana Ashbrook), and his advances.

Billy and Johnny, meanwhile, sneak back to the barrel, as well, and start dicking with the keypad mounted on the side. After a quick guess, they crack the code and release a horrible green fog, which immediately starts wafting across the grounds of the cemetery and into the mausoleum, where Ed and Joey are taking their lunch break, only to have it interrupted by one of the corpses they cut the head off of sitting up and trying to attack Ed. They, quite logically, freak out and run away to the van, where Brenda is dealing with her own undead problems.

But Brenda knows how to handle that.

Jesse makes his way to the barrel and gets the number to call the military, is scared by Tarman (Allan Trautman)--from the first movie--and runs back home, only to be spotted by the cable guy, who tells Lucy. Lucy reacts like any reasonable sister-slash-babysitter would, and traps Jesse in his own room by tying a sheet between his bedroom door and the upstairs banister.

Left with no other option, Jesse tries doing homework, but as he looks out his window, he sees Billy and Jason come stumbling out from an alleyway, and realizes something is up. So he makes a smoke bomb with common items around his bedroom, and when Lucy comes to check on who there is smoke pouring from under his door, Jesse runs past and locks himself in Lucy's room so he can call the military.

Ed, Joey and Brenda, by now, have made their way to the same neighborhood, and they steal the cable guy's van so they can get out of town. Unfortunately, they are not very good at it, and they crash the van into a telephone box, cutting off phone lines all over, including in Lucy's bedroom, where Jesse was on hold, waiting for a general to talk to.

A neighbor comes out to check on the accident, and is attacked and eaten for his troubles. (The lesson here, kids, is never try to help anybody, ever.) Ed, Joey and Brenda run into Jesse's house, and Joey and Ed immediately start complaining that they don't feel well. After the head in the bag Ed had carried from the mausoleum starts moving around and is revealed to be the severed head, a bunch of zombies break in, and a decision is made to go to Doc Mandel's (Philip Bruns) and get his car. Doc is not too happy with that plan, but gives in when zombies break into his garage. The entire group piles into the car, and Tom drives through the garage door, running over a number of zombies, and they are on the road.

Not as dumb as the other idiots, but idiots, just the same.

When an attempt is made to leave town is blocked by the military, who have set up blockades to keep anybody from entering or leaving town, they go to the nearby hospital, where Doc attempts to treat Joey and Ed, while the others wander around and look for other people. Jesse is the only one to find anybody, and that body is dead. Death doesn't stop it from trying to kill Jesse, but Lucy shows up just in time to shoot it with a shotgun, splitting the body in half.

Jesse, Lucy and Tom return to the emergency room to hear Doc's diagnosis: Ed and Joey are dead. For their part, Ed and Joey do not agree. Neither does Brenda, who insists on take the two of them away from there to get some real help. They pile into Doc's car and take off, leaving the others to fend for themselves.

Brenda drives them to another part of town, where they meet a few more military men, who tell them to turn back. By now, Ed has turned into an actual zombie, albeit a really whiny one. When one of the soldiers checks on him, he attacks, eating that guy. The others open fire on him, but it doesn't do much good. Brenda and Joey get back in the car and drive away, with Joey trying to convince Brenda to let him eat her brains. She finally agrees after she jumps out of the car and runs into a nearby church. Problem solved.

But nothing can fix this problem.

Back at the hospital, Doc devises a plan to get rid of most of the zombies so they can get somewhere safe. If he only had some brains...

But what about Ed? Does he continue to live? Or do the military guys finally take him down? And how about Billy and Johnny? What happens with them? Does the military get things back under control? Does Lucy get to bounce some more? Will Tom get some action from her? Will the severed head from earlier come back again, inexplicably?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake likes it, although it's not super-high on his list of good movies. He liked the makeup, and he enjoyed the humor, but he hated the actors. And he is right to do so. Most of them are awful.

Larry is conflicted. He doesn't want to hate this movie because zombie flicks are kind of his thing. But he also can't help comparing it to the original movie, and it is found severely wanting.

Derek is the only one who saw this in the theater. He thought it was pretty fun. Not a great one, but entertaining. He is very, very angry about one of the final gags. See if you can guess which one!

So put on your running shoes and gas mask, remember to stretch before running, and check out this week's episode!

Angels' Brigade

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The seventies were an interesting time, especially for movies and television. Blaxploitation films were exactly as awful as the genre's name implies, although it brought some amazingly talented actors to the attention of moviegoers who might otherwise not have heard of them. On television, shows such as Good Times and What's Happening gave suburban white people a chance to see some incredible acting and comedy, as well as storytelling showing the kind of garbage black people had to put up with from super racist white guys like Archie Bunker. Disco was a thing that happened, causing movies like You Can't Stop the Music (starring Bruce Jenner and the Village People!) and Saturday Night Fever to happen to unsuspecting audiences, as well as TV shows like Solid Gold  and Dance Fever.

And then there was a growing number of female-centric movies which showed viewers that women could kick as much ass as any men, and still look fabulous doing it! Everybody knows Charlie's Angels and The Bionic Woman. But not as many know about this week's movie, Angels' Brigade (aka Angels' Revenge), which tries to be something sort of...well, we're not exactly sure.

Bobby Wilson (Mike Gugliotta) is a punk kid who is addicted to some sort of vague narcotic, possibly PCP. He tries to pantomime to his drug dealer, Sticks (Darby Hinton), that he needs a fix, even offering a stolen watch as payment. When Sticks refuses, Bobby wordlessly clocks Sticks with a beer bottle and steals his product. Almost immediately, Sticks's...supervisor (we're not sure how drug cartels work), Mike Farrell (Jack Palance), arrives and they give chase, cornering Bobby and beating the ever-loving snot out of him.

He will punch you just because.

Elsewhere, Michelle Wilson (Susan Kiger), Bobby's older sister, is singing disco songs at Arthur Godfrey and an enthusiastic crowd, demanding that they "shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shiine, shine, shine" their love at her. After her demands are met, she retires to her dressing room, where an eager Manny (Alan Hale, Jr.), her manager, awaits with news of glowing reviews for the show she just finished(?). Michelle gets a call informing her what happened to her brother. Plans are made to go see him and find out what she can do.

After (possibly) visiting her injured brother, Michelle meets up with April (Jacqulin Cole), who is Bobby's teacher and the person who contacted Michelle. April explains that drugs are becoming a problem in Los Angeles (we know...shocking), but she has a plan to stop this particular gang of dealers, because she somehow found the ranch where the drugs are manufactured and sketched out a rough drawing of the place's layout. She wants to hit the drug dealers' supplier and stop them. Michelle is into the idea, but she thinks they'll need more people to help them. So off they go...

That punk bitch Charlie only had three angels.

First, they meet Terry (Sylvia Anderson), a giant stunt woman who knows how to use weapons, drive, and shoot. The next member is Kako (Lieu Chinh), a martial arts master and possible actual ninja. On to Maria, a fashion model who carries brass knuckles and mace in her purse. She brings in Elaine (Robin Greer), a cop who has been on the case of this drug dealer for some time. Rounding out the group is Trish, (Liza Greer) one of April's students, who forces her way into their group by way of whining and sneaking around.

Now that they have their team, a plan is put into place, the first step being purchasing a van from car salesman and Green Acres connection Pat Butram, which seems simple enough. They shake their goodies at him while he eye-humps them, and they drive away with the perfect vehicle. Check.

"Y'all got any of them 'vaginas' I been hearin' so much about?"

Step two involves stealing guns and ammo from "far Right" militia leader Cmdr. Lindsey March (Jim Backus). To do this, Maria, with Terry as her limo driver, visits the compound under the guise of a rich widow who wants to donate a lot of money to their cause. March and a few of his doughy militiamen take them on a tour of the grounds, giving them a good idea of the layout and where to find the weapons. That night, the entire group sneaks into the compound in high-heeled boots and bright white jumpsuits, stealing the necessary weapons and ammo out of the compound over a tightrope, because reasons. Check.

Step three is montage time! Now that they have the equipment they need, Terry commences to modifying the van with weapons and armor, while Elaine teaches the rest how to shoot bottles with a pistol. And while that might seem like a good starting point, one has to wonder how effective it would be if the bottles were shooting back. At any rate, the van is finished, including a gun turret and a side-mounted rocket launcher, and everybody is sufficiently trained to kill bottles, so they finish the montage by putting on their jumpsuits and posing for, like, an uncomfortable amount of time before that scene ends.

How far you have fallen, Mr. Howell.

Step four is a bit more complicated, because they have to find out where the drugs are being delivered and stopping that route. Fortunately, it turns out Maria is a former junkie who happens to know Sticks. They find him at a gas station and kidnap him, taking him back tot heir secret hideout so they can interrogate him using time-worm methods such as threatening to cut his junk off with Kako's Samurai sword. Fortunately, Sticks realizes they aren't kidding, and he gives up the info. They stick him in a closet or something, and they take off to the beach, because that gives them an opportunity to bounce around in bikinis and use their sexual wiles to confuse and capture the guys who are supposed to pick up the drugs that are being delivered, which is exactly what happens. April and Elaine steal their clothes and show up for the delivery, only to be spotted when April accidentally knocks off Elaine's hat. The guys in the boats who tie the drugs to a fishing line see them and head toward the shore to, we dunno, kill them? But it doesn't go the way the men think it will, and they get their asses handed to them quite quickly. The women take the drugs to Elaine's boss (Neville Brand), who calls them "broads" a lot and tells him he can't help them if they get caught doing what they do. Check.

Farrell, meanwhile, goes to see his boss, Burke (Peter Lawford), to tell him that Sticks has gone missing. Burke tells Farrell to go find him and make sure he's still on their side. If not, he knows what to do.

Back at their headquarters, the women try to decide what to do with Sticks. Do they kill him or let him go? After voting, they decide to let him live, but only if he gets out of town and never comes back. He agrees and heads home to pack. As he's leaving his apartment, Farrell shows up, chasing him up to the top of the building, where Sticks falls off and dies.

Suck it, Mr. T and the rest of the A-Team!

Oblivious to this, the women prepare to hit the drug compound for the final step in their plan. The plan is, Michelle will take out the tower guard, Maria will pretend to be lost and distract the guards (she shows up in an evening dress and high heels, claiming she was out for a walk, broke a heel, and got lost), the others will attack in the van, allowing Kako and April to place explosives in the building where the drugs are made, and Terry will drop grenades in the other buildings while Elaine shoots stragglers with the van's turret gun. What could possibly go wrong?

But will it work? Will April's disorganization cause it all to come crumbling down? Will anybody believe Maria's story? Will Will Kako's bloodlust ever be sated? Will Elaine get a promotion for helping take down the city's largest drug cartel? Will Michelle ever get enough love shined down on her? Will Terry ever appear in a scene where some dumb man doesn't say something racist to her? Will Trish's ability to attach herself to flat surfaces like a remora ever come into play?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Derek loves this film because it's so obviously corny, but still manages to put out the message that women can kick the shit out of rednecks, which is never a had thing.

Larry was a fan, and he is especially entertained by all the love shining that Michelle conveys while still beating down drug dealers and Jack Palance.

So put on your tightest jumpsuit, highest heels, and shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine, shine some love on this week's episode!

Smokin' Aces

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We all love those British gangster movies that have an incredible blend of comedy, action, and straight-up weirdness, don't we? Of course we do. And why wouldn't we? Great acting, lots of humor, and lots of accents that make the gangsters sound like they are way smarter than they are.

For the longest time, the U.S. refused to embrace the weirdness in its gangster films. "Make them dark," they insisted. "The only jokes we want to hear are quips relevant to the way that character dispatched another character." And it stayed that way for millennia. Our only respite on this side of the Atlantic was Quentin Tarantino movies. You might as well just cover yourself in day-after White Castle hate-shits and call it a day.

But then 2006 rolled around, bringing with it a little film with a big cast called Smokin' Aces.

Ryan Reynolds and Ray Liotta are Messner and Carruthers, two FBI agents who discover what they believe is a plot by a dying mob boss, Primo Sparazza (Joseph Ruskin), to kill Buddy "Aces" Israel (Jeremy Piven), a drug addict magician and wannabe crime boss himself. A reward of a million dollars is offered to whomever kills Israel and brings his heart to Sparazza. This draws the attention of two groups and a few lone hitmen.

Are you Mindfreaked yet?!

The first team consists of Georgia Sykes (Alecia Keyes) and Sharice Watters (Taraji P. Henson), who are hired by Sparazza's underboss, Pasquale Acosta (Nestor Cabonell). They are cold, calculating professionals who get the job done quickly and efficiently. Also, Sharice has a thing for Georgia and is constantly trying to convince her that they need to get together.

The second team are the neo-Nazi Tremor brothers, Darwin (Chris Pine), Jeeves (Kevin Durand) and Lester (Maury Sterling). They are incredibly unstable and violent, but surprisingly organized.

Lazlo Soot (Tommy Flanagan), a Hungarian whose real talent is the art of disguise, is a lone hitman. He can make a realistic latex mask in minutes, it seems, and sneak his way into his target's inner circle to make the kill. The other potential killer is believed to be known as "The Swede" (Vladimir Kulich), a mysterious man who is hardly seen.

At the same time, an attorney named Ripley "Rip" Reed (Jason Bateman) is sent by the firm that paid for Israel's bail bond to meet with a team of skip tracers--Jack Dupree (Ben Affleck), "Pistol" Pete Deeks (Peter Berg) and Hollis Elmore (Martin Henderson)--to bring Israel in before his bond is revoked.

These ladies don't have time for fuckery. They've got people to kill!

Is everybody keeping up so far? We hope so, because things are about to get pretty frantic really quick.

Israel's attorney (Curtis Armstrong) is talking with FBI Deputy Director Locke (Andy Garcia), trying to work out a deal for Isreal where he will offer testimony about Sparazza's organization. The attorney contacts Israel to let him know that a deal is possible, but he has to tell the FBI everything. Israel doesn't want to give up the guys in his crew, but after the attorney tells him nothing goes forward if he doesn't turn in everyone, he agrees.

Dupree, Deeks and Hollis make their way to Lake Tahoe and rent some uniforms that match the ones worn at the hotel where Israel is holed-up. As Dupree is explaining their plan in a parking lot not far from the hotel, they are attacked by the Tremor brothers, who shoot the skip tracers and dump their bodies in a nearby lake, What they do not realize, however, is that Elmore is still alive, although he is suffering from hypothermia and has three fingers shot off his left hand. He slowly makes his way to a nearby home, where he is helped by an elderly woman and her young grandson, who suffers from ADHD and keep threatening to use karate on Elmore.

Still more emotive than his performance in Batman v Superman.

At the same time, Sykes and Watters have checked into the hotel across the street, setting up a headquarters with a good view of the penthouse where Israel is staying. Their plan involves Sykes sneaking into Israel's suite with a group of prostitutes and keeping in radio communication with Watters, giving her information about where Israel is so she can shoot him with "Big Mama", her .50 caliber gun that is more than sufficient for the job.

Lazlo Soot has made his way quietly to the hotel, where he gets the drop on one of Israel's men, Hugo Croop (Joel Edgerton), and kills him with a spike through the heart. He then closes Croop's head in a wooden box and fills it with foam latex to make a mold for a mask that will allow him to sneak into Israel's suite.

Acosta also makes his way to the hotel because he wants a crack at Israel, as well. Using a fake FBI I.D., he contacts Bill (Matthew Fox), the head of security, to learn the layout of the hotel and, specifically, the penthouse. He then kills Bill and steals his security uniform.

Not putting up with anybody's shit.

By this time, Messner and Carruthers have made it to Lake Tahoe, but they have split up, with Messner going to investigate the bodies of the skip tracers discovered in the nearby lake, while Carruthers heads directly to the hotel, where he meets up with who he believes to be the head of security, but discovers too late that it is Acosta, and the two of them get into an up-close gunfight in the elevator heading up to Israel's penthouse. Sykes, who is inside the hotel waiting for the group of prostitutes so she can blend in, hears the gunfight and contacts Watters, who tells her to get out of there. At that moment, the elevator opens and she sees Acosta and Carruthers on the floor, riddled with bullet holes and covered in blood. She checks them both and realizes they are both alive, but she thinks they are both FBI, because she found Carruthers's badge, as well as the fake one Acosta had on him. Before she can do much else, Acosta shoots her, also damaging her radio. Watters can't make contact, and she begins to worry.

Messner arrives in time to hear that there was shooting inside the hotel. All of the elevators have been shut down and the hotel put on lockdown. He takes a team up the emergency stairwell to find his partner. A second group, led by Locke, makes their way to Israel's penthouse.

Intellectual giants, the Tremor brothers.

Inside the penthouse, one of Israel's men, Sir Ivy (Common), confronts Israel, telling him he heard the phone conversation with the attorney, and he knows that Israel intends to turn everybody in. He attempts to kill Israel, who injures him with a playing card, allowing Israel time to get away from him. As Ivy is leaving the penthouse, the group with Locke gets there and arrests Ivy. Israel gets a call from his lawyer, telling him that the FBI has suddenly dropped the deal. Now completely unsafe, he prepares to kill himself. But before he can, he passes out from an overdose while Soot watches, no doubt considering himself the luckiest hitman ever.

The Tremor brothers, who were inside an elevator when they shut down, use a portable generator to start it back up, and they make their way to Israel's floor. When they arrive, all hell breaks loose as they attack the FBI team.

Messner's team, meanwhile, has surrounded the elevator with Acosta, Carruthers and Sykes in it, and a shootout ensues when Messner sees his partner dead. Watters, watching through her rifle's scope, sees a dead prostitute dressed similarly to Sykes, and assumes it is her, causing Watters to start firing at the FBI agents. Bodies go flying everywhere!

But what about Israel? Will Soot get his heart for Sparazza? Will Ivy, who sneaked away as the Tremors came out of the elevator, survive? What about Sykes? Will she get out of her elevator alive? Or will Watters accidentally kill her for real with her rage-shooting? And where's Hollis in all this? And finally, what, in general, the hell?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Jake picked this one, and he really likes it. He compares it favorably to Tarantino's style of film, and adds that the cast is phenomenal. If he had one complaint, it would be the inconsistency of the overall look of the film.

Larry also digs it, especially Chris Pine's wackjob of a character. There is a specific scene with Ben Affleck (see the GIF with him in it) that makes him giggle uncontrollably. This is not a bad thing, and he doesn't even care if it was.

Derek is a fan, and he is also somewhat angry that he never picked it up all those times he saw it at the video store. Live and learn, we guess. His one complaint was a lack of closure with a couple of the characters.

So get your deck of trick playing cards, put on some gaudy sunglasses, and check out this week's episode!

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

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One of the great things about the best franchises is memorable characters. Star Wars has Luke, Leia, Han, Darth Vader and dozens of others. Star Trek had Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Indiana Jones had, well, Indiana Jones. You get the idea.

And then there are horror films. The Xenomorph. Freddy Kreuger. The Predator. Jason Voorhees. Pinhead. Michael Myers...

That brings us to this week's movie. After two massive hits from the Halloween franchise, John Carpenter decided, "You know what? Let's blow this wide open! We'll create an interconnected series that focuses on different stories with each installment, which will also be connected to the overall arc of the series! Also, I'm going to let my editor write and direct this one, because someone will have to take the reigns when I die, because it will still be an ongoing thing, I am certain! Also, hand me that bong!" And that's what got us here.

Well...Michael wears a mask, so...

Tom Atkins is Daniel Chalis, a doctor who treats a mysterious man (Al Berry) who ends up in the emergency room in which Chalis works. The man was running away from somewhere and ended up in the gas station run by Walter Jones (Essex Smith -- arguably the true hero of this film), who took him to the hospital.

After the man, who is later identified as Harry Grimbridge and is clutching a rubber pumpkin mask that he refuses to let go of, is treated and given a room, another mysterious man (Dick Warlock) sneaks in and kills him by ripping out his nasal passages. When the nurse (Maidie Norman) catches the man, he runs out, gets in his car, covers himself in gasoline, and sets himself on fire, causing the car he is in to explode before Chalis can get to him.

The next day, a woman named Ellie (Stacey Nelkin) identifies the body of her father and asks Chalis what happened. When Chalis mentions the mask, she tells him that her father sold novelties, and was last heard from before he left for Santa Mira, California. For some reason, he decides they need to investigate immediately, leaving his two children in the care of his ex-wife (Nancy Kyes) so he can traipse off with a woman half his age and play detective. Naturally, his ex is not thrilled.

But he doesn't care, because he's totally gonna blast this chick!

Upon arriving in Santa Mira, where a company called Silver Shamrock Novelties makes latex Halloween masks, among other things, Chalis and Ellie check into a hotel. The hotel clerk tells them that the small town seems to be doing so well because of Silver Shamrock and its owner, Conal Cochran (Dan O'Herlihy). Chalis also learns from the talky clerk that four other people are in town to visit the factory -- Marge Guttman (Garn Stephens) and Buddy Kupfer (Ralph Strait), as well as Kupfer's wife, Betty (Jadeen Barbor), and their son, Little Buddy (Brad Schacter).

That night, Chalis immediately makes a play for Ellie, who is totally into it, leading to a profoundly dull and unsatisfying sex scene that culminates in almost no nudity, with the exception of a way-too-long shot of Chalis's ass. It's not great.

MOVING ON,,,

At the same time, Marge finds a button on the back of the mask she brought with her, and discovers a microchip embedded in the back of it. When she tries to extract it from the button, it shoots lasers into her mouth and kills her rather graphically.

The next day, Marge is found dead, and for once, when Chalis tries to stick his nose into it, he is turned away. So he and Ellie head to the factory along with Buddy and his family, to meet Cochran, who gives them a tour of the facility. During the tour, Little Buddy demands a mask, and Cochran gives him a finished one, then asks the Kupfer family to come watch a few commercials and offer their opinions. Chalis and Ellie are sent on their way, but there is almost trouble when Ellie spots her father's station wagon in one of the factory's warehouses. Chalis convinces her to let it go for now, because he intends to go back at night and have a look around.

The Kupfers are ushered into a room, and Little Buddy puts on his new mask as the commercial starts playing on a television. Buddy complains that it's the same thing, but Little Buddy has a stronger reaction; he shakes, then falls down as his head rots, letting out bugs and snakes, one of which bites Buddy and kills him. Betty also dies, but it is unclear why, aside from screaming to death...?

And that, children, is the real reason Oz the Great and Powerful gained control.

That night, when Chalis goes out to try making a phone call, he stops at the liquor store and, on his way back to the motel, runs across a hobo who wants Chalis to share his booze. After a bit of drinking and talking, Chalis leaves, and the homeless guy is accosted by the same guys in suits who were chasing Ellie's father, and they pull his head off. It's gross.

Upon returning to the motel, Chalis discovers Ellie missing, and he heads to the Silver Shamrock factory to find her. He sneaks in, calls home, and is captured almost immediately. But not before he fights one of the suit guys, punching a hole in him, only to discover it is a robot filled with delicious chicken gravy.

Almost everyone in this photo is brimming with gravy. Including Tom Atkins.

Cochran's other gravy-bots tie Chalis to a chair in a room so Cochran can do the standard bad guy thing and reveak his plan before leaving Chalis alone and unattended. It's a convoluted story involving a piece of Stonehenge and some witchcraft because Cochran is a wizard, and using the Stonehenge stone to make kids' heads explode with bugs and snakes because...Ug...Well, we're not exactly sure. Maybe he's just an asshole. He then puts a mask on Chalis and turns a TV on that will show the commercial.

Will Chalis escape? Or will Cochran follow through with his plan and kill all of the children everywhere? And what about Ellie? And why the gravy? Also, WHERE THE HELL IS MICHAEL MYERS?

You'll have to tune in to find out!

Larry loves this movie. He does, however, feel like it would have been easier for others to like if it wasn't labelled as part of the Halloween franchise. He also enjoyed the kills a lot, and wished there had been more.

Derek thought this was a stupid movie. Seriously, what the hell was the point? The plot was wafer-thin, and Chalis being some sort of sexual dynamo and master detective, despite appearing to be a middle-aged, divorced doctor, doesn't make sense.

Jake is somewhere in between. As a John Carpenter fan, he feels obligated to stick up for him, but eventually he has to admit that it's not Carpenter's best idea, and should probably have been a Tales from the Crypt movie instead.

So fill your head with snakes and bugs, put on your favorite Don Post mask (he made the masks in the movie), and tune in to the latest episode!