And so, here we go!
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said "So sorry man. Hope things work out."
— Andry H'tims (@Thing_Finder) March 5, 2013
Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.
— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) April 27, 2012
Click Now! FREE videos of Hot Young Coeds getting TOTALLY CREAMED by student loan debt!
— Molly Manglewood (@undeadmolly) March 11, 2014
I've never done the "Walk Of Shame" but I have done a few "Cartwheels Of Awesomeness".
— Wonder Monkey (@WonderMonkey78) August 31, 2011
*dumps pile of Snickers on counter*
Clerk: Do you need a bag?
*opens backpack filled with cats wearing backpacks*
Nope. I'm good.
— Arielle Jints (@arielleBigBlue) February 6, 2014
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
— Blurr (@blurryfoto) December 9, 2012
The first rule of telepathy club is:
— Captain Crabby (@Captain_Crabby) November 30, 2013
— Lady Carmalita (@LadyCarmalita) March 10, 2014
Before you mock Malaysia's stupidity for losing a plane, remember, we elected a President who couldn't pronounce 'nuclear.'
Twice
— Burro Hunter (@215potter) March 13, 2014
You never hear anyone say "Eat a bag of vaginas" and it bothers me. We can't eat dicks forever.
— Fondue KnuckleSlap. (@Genghis_Dong) September 6, 2013
There you have it! Tune in next time, when I lament the fact that my own tweets aren't appreciated as much as I think they should be, like this one:KFC to offer Go To Hell Cup, featuring some wet cigarette butts, an old Hooters receipt, and and a blister of their World Famous Gravy Skin.
— Derek Springer (@TheRealDCF) March 11, 2014Derek and Bosco
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