Fifteen Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

It's that time again, kids! For your enjoyment, I have spent tens of minutes exhaustively compiling some of the funniest things I read on Twitter over the past week. And now I'm passing the savings on to YOU!

There were so many funny ones that I had a hard time just picking ten. So I decided to expand it a bit this week.

As always, if you're on Twitter, why not follow these funny folks? And if you're not, go join. Then follow them. Do not -- repeat, DO NOT -- try following them without being on Twitter, because then you end up with pressed charges and restraining orders and stuff like that, and nobody wins when that happens.

Anyway, here we go. In no particular order...

On my resume, my mission statement is just eight Cheez-its glued to the paper. I USED GLITTER GLUE! *jazz hands

— It's Stephanie (@Snarfernini) March 19, 2014

Tonight on Creationist #Cosmos, Kirk Cameron explains how the Lord gave Hobby Lobby the power to decide which birth control pills are kosher

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) March 23, 2014

I found two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in my freezer I had forgot about, it's the most alive I've felt in years.

— Dr Thunderhunk 3000 (@Almighty_Smoot) February 16, 2014

Guy at Starbucks just yelled "I DONT HAVE ALL DAY" like the reason he doesnt have his drink is because we think his schedule's clear

— sara (@mrsjohngoodman) March 26, 2014

Kanye: Hey baby you wanna role play? Kim: Sure, that sounds super hot! Kanye: Ok, you be Kanye West

— Terry F (@daemonic3) January 25, 2014

Your first mistake was wearing heels in this dodgeball tournament, Jason. The second was thinking that they went with that dress.

— ibid (@ibid78) March 26, 2014

“You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy,” I tell my children as we approach Chuck E Cheese. It smells of fear and death

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 27, 2014

[P] oh god THE FARTS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE PLANE

— Paul and Storm (@paulandstorm) March 27, 2014

In West Virginia, http://t.co/aDa5NF4TTg redirects you to http://t.co/73ojTyEfro.

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) March 28, 2014

I'm assuming Greek yogurt is just regular yogurt but with way more hair.

— Antisocial Worker (@lovemypsychosis) July 19, 2013

Only pay people with a check and write "For Butt Stuff" in the memo line.

— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) March 29, 2014

If Andie MacDowell was smothering me with a pillow—I wouldn't struggle. She'd just hear a muffled "Andie, what you're doing is right."

— @Carl_Bnntt (@Carl_Bnntt) March 29, 2014

i often worry that i dress too sexy but this is my favorite turtleneck and i can't stop doing the robot.

— I Fought the Law (@ahoytheboat) March 5, 2014

Hey, I'm not gonna be able to make it to dinner tonight. There's a whole aisle of toys at the store that say "try me" on them.

— zach (@zacharyflynn) March 28, 2014

when I make brownies I lick the beater like a porn star

— fuqk off in advance (@suckoff00) March 27, 2014

And there you have it, folks! Enjoy your Sunday, and stay tuned!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco