Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Everybody likes funny things! Sure, who doesn't? So why aren't you a part of Twitter yet? There's lots of hilariousness on there, AND YOU'RE MISSING OUT! Join. It's free and relatively painless. Don't make me come over there.

Anyway, it was another hilarious week, and I had to choose carefully, or we'd end up with another list of forty or fifty tweets, and nobody wins when that happens.

So, without further ado, let's see what's funny, shall we?

If you fart at your phone with shazam running, it comes up as Nickleback.

— Miss Amanda (@missamanda) March 26, 2013

I was looking for a used IBM model but accidentally typed "IBS," & was sent to a site for Russian mail order brides w/dietary restrictions.

— Noah Kinsey (@thenoahkinsey) June 22, 2014

A funny thing is an alligator in sunglasses. "Hey- who's that cool alligator?" everyone says. Good luck keeping those glasses on though! Ha!

— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) June 24, 2014

Still waiting for the “once you go black you never go back” episode of Mythbusters.

— Captain's Log (@howe007) June 25, 2014

What kind of drugs do I want? The kind that made Jethro Tull say,"you know what this song needs? A 15 minute flute solo."

— Mags (@magsaidwhat) February 2, 2013

My wife went to Zumba so I got high and did a drawing of @GuyFieri coming out of a toilet PLEASE SHARE. pic.twitter.com/BK1DiOAicA

— Steve Nobs (@BaronVonSavings) June 5, 2014

“I love to chew but I hate flavor.”--people who put lettuce on sandwiches

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2014

You know that stuff marathon runners wipe between their inner thighs to prevent chaffing? I put that in my armpits before eating tacos.

— Hazel Goats (@hazelmotes1) June 18, 2014

That's right, mail-delivery guy, drink it all in. The robe, the manly tuft of chest hair, the bra. Enjoy it. Think of it as your tip...

— TO33IE (@thetobbie) June 28, 2014

SEND A CASE IMMEDIATELY "@KSDean: Please tell me @BillCorbett @michaeljnelson and @kwmurphy have seen this. Please" pic.twitter.com/WlPWE4Jm4S

— Kevin Murphy (@kwmurphy) June 28, 2014

And there you have it! Good times!

Now, before I let you go for the week, let me just throw a couple things at your face and see what sticks, okay?

First, as this coming Friday is July 4th, I figure I should probably wish you a happy one now, so as to avoid being all late with it. So, happy 4th. Go blow stuff up...responsibly.

Second, Sausagefest is starting to come together. Still working on acts to be a part of it, so stay tuned for more details. And, if you find yourself in the Port Huron area for Labor Day weekend, let me know so you can come on by and see the show live! A good time will be had by all!

And, finally, I have another video clip for you. And, again, it's from the other podcast you should be listening to, aside from the Ugly Couchcast (and my newest podcast with Larry Sieczynksi and Jake Streeter, Here Be Spoilers), which is Wits. Sure, it's public radio, but this is the good kind. It's funny, and they have fun guests. In fact, here's a clip from a show that included David Cross and Har Mar Superstar:

See? What's not to enjoy? Check out the show. You'll love it.

Enjoy the rest of your week. And have a safe and happy July 4th!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

The Pilot Episode

To download, right-click and choose "Save as..."

This is the very first episode of a new weekly podcast I'm doing with a couple of friends, Larry Sieczynski and Jake Streeter, called Here Be Spoilers. And make no mistake, people: There WILL be spoilers in this show. So, if you haven't seen the movie and don't want us to ruin it for you, do not listen.

"ARRRR!"

But, if you don't mind finding out a few funny things about some movies we've watched, by all means, have a blast. We did.

The first movie we decided to talk about was A Million Ways To Die in the West, Seth MacFarland's western comedy. (SPOILER: We loved it.) And while it's nice to do a new flick from time to time, we will more than likely just raid our collective movie collections and talk about those.

Anyway, here it is. We all hope you enjoy it!

All the best,

Derek Larry and Jake

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

It's that time again, kids!

Look...I keep bringing these tweets to you to show you just what it is you're missing by not being on Twitter. WHY HAVEN'T YOU SIGNED UP YET?! You could be showing me up by finding even funnier tweets than I've been digging up! You could display your superiority at grasping humor over me! Who wouldn't want that? So get over there and get an account. Trust me; you'll love it.

Anyway, it's been a funny week over there, and the choices were tough. But that's what I do. I make the tough choices.

Let's have a look at those choices, won't we?

Accidently ripped the sleeves on my denim tuxedo and got a Wal-Mart pregnant

— Bownuggets (@Bownuggets) June 13, 2014

My neighbor is so uptight I could put a lump of coal in his butt and 5 minutes later he'd be like "don't put stuff in my butt anymore, Mike"

— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) April 5, 2014

I was the first person to put a whammy bar on a banjo

— Böb Jänke (@Bob_Janke) May 18, 2014

Dinner at the Red Longhorn Garden Lobster. I had the Shrimp-Stuffed TurSteaken Tails on Sweet Potato Fluff with a side of Regret.

— Peter Waldron (@pjwaldron) June 18, 2014

every time Miley Cyrus posts a nude Instagram photo an angel gets a cold sore

— Matt Oswalt (@Puddinstrip) June 16, 2014

But we let him drive a car, right? pic.twitter.com/uc76hshCZp

— Meanwhile (@overatfacebook) May 25, 2014

I can't be the only one who finds cool shit in her bra, right? *pulls out 2 crackers, an old shoe and a rotary phone*

— jacqueline carbajal (@jackiecarbajal) June 18, 2014

Snoop Dogg steals butcher's sausages - as requested by Natalie pic.twitter.com/tPsHMShujB

— Jim'll Paint It (@Jimllpaintit) June 16, 2014

J.J. Abrams to do Breaking Bad and Sopranos reboots after Star Wars. He'll then redesign the Taj Mahal and invent new methods of oral sex.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) June 20, 2014

"I like Journey." "Son, you are grounded! Take these Beatles records and these drugs in there with you and think about what you've said."

— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) June 21, 2014

And there you have it! We here at the Ugly Couchcast hope you all have an awesome week! And to get it started in the right direction, here's Christopher Walken dancing to a Fatboy Slim song.

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

It's Sunday, kids, so you know what that means!

But before I get started with the re-tweets, I want to take a moment to wish all of you dads out there a very happy Father's Day. Enjoy the day. Toss a critter of some kind on the grill. Watch a sportsball game on the television. Enjoy!

I also want to throw a special "Happy Father's Day" out to my own dad. He's a pretty groovy guy, despite not being a regular reader/listener here at The Ugly Couchcast.

"It's clear to me; your mother dropped you on your head." - Actual quote.

This guy worked his butt off, along with my mom, when I was a kid to make sure my brother and I could do all the cool activities we wanted to do, and I want him to know I really appreciate it. Thanks, dad!

Okay, enough of this touchy-feely shit.

As always I want to recommend you get on over to Twitter and join. There are hundreds of thousands of people on there that are at least as funny as the stuff I post on here, if not funnier. So come on over to the Dark Side and join us.

Also, while you're here, why not give a listen to the latest Ugly Couchcast podcast, featuring my buddy Jake Streeter. He makes his own action figures and uses the word "varmint" un-ironically.

And so, in no particular order...

Son, I'm thinking of a num- "69" *dad starts flailing his arms* SEE, HONEY, HE'S A GOD DAMN WIZARD
— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) June 9, 2013

My family crest is just an elephant in the room, surrounded by empty liquor bottles.
— Lostradamus (@LosLos__) January 2, 2014

Me: Thanks for the great date. Her: Debit or credit. Me: Thanks for such a special evening. Her: Here's your 6 loco tacos. Me: I love you.
— Concerned Sir Guy (@ConcernedSirGuy) May 8, 2013

Don't you hate when your mom ruins pics of your dad riding a goose by telling you it was the day you were conceived? pic.twitter.com/h73MB8dFVj
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) June 16, 2013

Can you check and see if the milk went bad? *opens fridge* *Milk has leather jacket on and is smoking a cigarette* "Oh it's bad alright"
— Michael Linhart (@mlinhart) May 17, 2014

Looks like President Obama won't let me have a pet bald eagle or a bazooka. Everything is a toilet. Why, Amercian Jesus? Whyyyy??? 🇺🇸👎🐳
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 11, 2014

Yesterday I was sick as a dog so I spent the day on the couch, struggling to lick my own butthole through the plastic cone around my neck.
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) June 11, 2014

New show idea: Dragon and an mob boss solve murders while making meth to pay for wild sex with vampires.
— JD McIntyre (@JDMcIntyre) June 11, 2014

Hey @Nissan, you have kids singing "ride the pony" in one of your commercials. Awww. Also, the "pony" in that lyric is Billy Idol's dick.
— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) June 14, 2014

And there you have it. I do, however, want to add an extra one because it seems that someone's a little bitter that he's not getting the attention he used to:

Fuck you all for leaving MySpace.
— Tom from Myspace (@tomfrmyspace) June 14, 2014

And so, I invite you all to have an awesome week! Let me give you a head start by showing you this inspiring video clip:

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

This Ain't Chinatown, Jake! (Extended Director's Cut)

Right-click and choose "Save link as..." to download!

Guest: Jake Streeter

Jake does his killer Ray Charles impersonation.
"Hey, momma, don't you do me wrong..."

(NOTE: This episode had so much funny stuff in it that I was reluctant to cut anything. As a result, it's over three hours long. Listen to it in chunks or all at once...But absolutely listen!)

Action figure mash-up artist Jake Streeter stops by the couch to talk about his creations (check 'em out on Instagram), the importance of Taco Bell when planning a project, what it takes for the NRA to turn their backs on a group of gun nuts (he says "varmint" a lot when he gets excited), some of his favorite episodes of The X-Files, video games, ripping into a ten-year-old while playing games online, and his kick-ass Jessie Ventura impression.

Derek, as usual, steers everything right off the rails by bringing up Robocop. The whole thing degenerates into ragging on all kinds of stupid films, why TMZ sucks, and an intriguing conversation about remaking every movie with Chris Tucker as the star. He also talks about his accidental trip to New Jersey and more tales of Dennis Roof.

They discuss fun words to say, a fascination with special FX, Worf the Klingon's forehead, and why Michael Chicklis was almost better than a Spandex-clad Jessica Alba in the Fantastic Four movies. (Hint: It wasn't because of his Spandex Speedo.) There's also endless mockery of Southerners!

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

All right, lovers of people who are funnier than me, it's that time again! I've exhaustively scoured my own Twitter timeline for tens of minutes to bring you the best of what I was able to find with as little effort as possible. Why do I go through so much for you, the eight or nine faithful readers who come here whenever you can remember that I have one of these blog thingies? Because I care. I actually even put on pants at one point! (Not, you know, right now or anything...)

Oh, sure, I could have gone the lazy route and just thrown in a bunch of my own tweets that I thought were funny. But I love you guys too much to subject you to that sort of silliness. (Besides, I'm pretty sure all of you follow me on Facebook anyway, so the odds are you already saw that stuff because I tend to cross-post a lot. That's not lazy; that's smart brand promotion. There's no such thing as bad publicity!)

Anyway, whatever the reason I do this (because I love you guys...Don't you ever listen to me?), it's time to get on with it because I have some editing to do for a podcast I hope to have up tonight.

As usual, let me suggest that you come on over to Twitter and join so you can find even more (and possibly better) funny all your own. Then you can start your own blog and use it to show just how out of touch with modern humor I am! You get to show your creativity, more Twitter people get attention they deserve, and I get some bonus promotion for myself! Everybody wins!

And on that note, let's do this!

don't bring a knife to a gun fight. also don't bring: blankets, toffee crisps, a DVD boxset of Frasier, milk, your uncle or tent pegs
— thomas f (@tomtommotmot) June 1, 2014

Facebook Translation: Brenda: "Jesus is my savior and I know I'm perfect in his eyes" Translation: "I am literally covered in semen rn"
— Lorenzo Jorts (@Sickayduh) June 1, 2014

How much of an asshole do you have to be for the NRA to tell you to quit swinging your gun around? Answer: Infinity. An infinity asshole.
— Thanks4 Sharing Jerk (@Thx4SharingJerk) June 2, 2014

They say that opposites attract so I know there's a woman without erectile dysfunction out there waiting for me somewhere.
— Brian (@Black__Elvis) June 4, 2014

It goes Satan, Hitler, the 9/11 guys, and people who pronounce it "Chipoltay."
— kyla (@whatkylasaid) March 4, 2013

"How much for the chirping, tattooed, discarded foreskin?" "Sir, that's Adam Levine." "I must have him!"
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) June 5, 2014

WHY THE FUCK ARE ALL THESE BOYS IN MY YARD?? *sips milkshake*
— dawn (@Dawn_M_) May 22, 2014

"Do you honor your competitors coupons?" I ask as I hand the pizza guy a coupon good for 'One Free Hug' given to me by my mom when I was 10.
— It's Stephanie (@Snarfernini) June 6, 2014

My problem is, I'm about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
— Remember Baker (@ForcedHands) June 2, 2014

Their love was forbidden! pic.twitter.com/7IZix4T5vI
— Sabrina Snow Witch (@introvertedwife) June 6, 2014

And there you have it! Good stuff, as always.

Now, before I go, let me just throw this one last little tidbit at you: As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I'm no fan of Miley Cyrus. I didn't like her when she was "sweet, homegrown Disney girl Hannah Montana", and I don't like her now as "filthy, slutty, drugged-up coke whore Miley". When I first saw the video for "Wrecking Ball" (my first time hearing the song because I wanted to see what the big deal was), I came to two conclusions. Allow me, if I may, to share them with you.

1. The more she shows of her body, the less I want to see the rest of it. She has no ass. She needs to accept it and move on with her life. That MTV thing was sad, more than anything. Put pants on, girl and try to regain a little dignity.


2. The song itself really isn't that bad. Don't get me wrong, seeing her "perform" it makes me want to punch a wall. But the song itself, which I heard dozens of times on the radio at work after seeing the video, really isn't that bad. It's her. She's dreadful. Don't believe me? Check this out:

Surprised? I'm not. I made the same decision about Britney Spears when I heard Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa's cover of one of her songs.

So, the next time you hear some shitty bubblegum pop song from a former Disney skank, sit down and actually listen to it. Then find a better band that took the time to record a superior version and enjoy the heck out of it.

Have a great week!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco

Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

It's Sunday night again, kids, and you know what that means: Time to make with the Twitter funny!

I've got nothing else to add, other than to tell you that you really oughta go join up and get in on the vast wasteland of wackiness that is Twitter.

And so, in no particular order, let's get this party rolling!

I shouldn't be arrested for putting lipstick on your dog, YOU should be arrested for not having a fabulous dog.
— Dane (@ProfaneDane) May 21, 2014

NEWSFLASH: FBI REALIZES THEY'VE BEEN USING BLACK SHARPIES ALL THESE YEARS AND NOT HIGHLIGHTERS
— Ryan Laughman (@Roof_Pizza) May 24, 2014

*pops out of the bowl of m&ms on your desk* i licked 14 of these *slowly sinks back down* foouuuurrrteeeeeen
— Maebe a Good Hat (@maebemarbles) April 15, 2014

Accidentally ate two multivitamins today and now I am immortal.
— moody monday (@mdob11) August 27, 2013

Kid Rock was conceived the night a hobo sneezed into a tin of Skoal.
— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) May 28, 2014

[hospital] Mom: Our son's coma - Dad: I know, it's time Mom: Will you do it? Dad: Yes *draws dick on son's face* Mom: *whispers* OWNED
— Terry F (@daemonic3) May 28, 2014

My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
— Ikea Monkey™ (@Ikea_Monkey_89) May 29, 2014

If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.
— Tony (@Tmoney68) May 12, 2013

By the time the kids realized Charles was in charge of their days AND their nights it was too late. The totalitarian state was now in place.
— ibid (@ibid78) May 27, 2014

don't bring a knife to a gun fight. also don't bring: blankets, toffee crisps, a DVD boxset of Frasier, milk, your uncle or tent pegs
— thomas f (@tomtommotmot) June 1, 2014

And there you have it, True Believers! (Sorry...Watching Spider-man...)

But before I go, I wanted to let you all know that big things are afoot for this year's Sausagefest! Stay tuned for details in upcoming shows and posts! Until then, have a great week!

Here's a little something to send you off on a good note. It's an animated video called "We Sell Your Crap" that I made with my kids a while back. Enjoy!

All the best,
Derek and Bosco