Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

It's Sunday, kids, so you know what that means!

But before I get started with the re-tweets, I want to take a moment to wish all of you dads out there a very happy Father's Day. Enjoy the day. Toss a critter of some kind on the grill. Watch a sportsball game on the television. Enjoy!

I also want to throw a special "Happy Father's Day" out to my own dad. He's a pretty groovy guy, despite not being a regular reader/listener here at The Ugly Couchcast.

"It's clear to me; your mother dropped you on your head." - Actual quote.

This guy worked his butt off, along with my mom, when I was a kid to make sure my brother and I could do all the cool activities we wanted to do, and I want him to know I really appreciate it. Thanks, dad!

Okay, enough of this touchy-feely shit.

As always I want to recommend you get on over to Twitter and join. There are hundreds of thousands of people on there that are at least as funny as the stuff I post on here, if not funnier. So come on over to the Dark Side and join us.

Also, while you're here, why not give a listen to the latest Ugly Couchcast podcast, featuring my buddy Jake Streeter. He makes his own action figures and uses the word "varmint" un-ironically.

And so, in no particular order...

Son, I'm thinking of a num- "69" *dad starts flailing his arms* SEE, HONEY, HE'S A GOD DAMN WIZARD
— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) June 9, 2013

My family crest is just an elephant in the room, surrounded by empty liquor bottles.
— Lostradamus (@LosLos__) January 2, 2014

Me: Thanks for the great date. Her: Debit or credit. Me: Thanks for such a special evening. Her: Here's your 6 loco tacos. Me: I love you.
— Concerned Sir Guy (@ConcernedSirGuy) May 8, 2013

Don't you hate when your mom ruins pics of your dad riding a goose by telling you it was the day you were conceived? pic.twitter.com/h73MB8dFVj
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) June 16, 2013

Can you check and see if the milk went bad? *opens fridge* *Milk has leather jacket on and is smoking a cigarette* "Oh it's bad alright"
— Michael Linhart (@mlinhart) May 17, 2014

Looks like President Obama won't let me have a pet bald eagle or a bazooka. Everything is a toilet. Why, Amercian Jesus? Whyyyy??? 🇺🇸👎🐳
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 11, 2014

Yesterday I was sick as a dog so I spent the day on the couch, struggling to lick my own butthole through the plastic cone around my neck.
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) June 11, 2014

New show idea: Dragon and an mob boss solve murders while making meth to pay for wild sex with vampires.
— JD McIntyre (@JDMcIntyre) June 11, 2014

Hey @Nissan, you have kids singing "ride the pony" in one of your commercials. Awww. Also, the "pony" in that lyric is Billy Idol's dick.
— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) June 14, 2014

And there you have it. I do, however, want to add an extra one because it seems that someone's a little bitter that he's not getting the attention he used to:

Fuck you all for leaving MySpace.
— Tom from Myspace (@tomfrmyspace) June 14, 2014

And so, I invite you all to have an awesome week! Let me give you a head start by showing you this inspiring video clip:

All the best,
Derek and Bosco