Look...I keep bringing these tweets to you to show you just what it is you're missing by not being on Twitter. WHY HAVEN'T YOU SIGNED UP YET?! You could be showing me up by finding even funnier tweets than I've been digging up! You could display your superiority at grasping humor over me! Who wouldn't want that? So get over there and get an account. Trust me; you'll love it.
Anyway, it's been a funny week over there, and the choices were tough. But that's what I do. I make the tough choices.
Let's have a look at those choices, won't we?
Accidently ripped the sleeves on my denim tuxedo and got a Wal-Mart pregnant— Bownuggets (@Bownuggets) June 13, 2014
My neighbor is so uptight I could put a lump of coal in his butt and 5 minutes later he'd be like "don't put stuff in my butt anymore, Mike"— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) April 5, 2014
I was the first person to put a whammy bar on a banjo— Böb Jänke (@Bob_Janke) May 18, 2014
Dinner at the Red Longhorn Garden Lobster. I had the Shrimp-Stuffed TurSteaken Tails on Sweet Potato Fluff with a side of Regret.— Peter Waldron (@pjwaldron) June 18, 2014
every time Miley Cyrus posts a nude Instagram photo an angel gets a cold sore— Matt Oswalt (@Puddinstrip) June 16, 2014
But we let him drive a car, right? pic.twitter.com/uc76hshCZp— Meanwhile (@overatfacebook) May 25, 2014
I can't be the only one who finds cool shit in her bra, right? *pulls out 2 crackers, an old shoe and a rotary phone*— jacqueline carbajal (@jackiecarbajal) June 18, 2014
Snoop Dogg steals butcher's sausages - as requested by Natalie pic.twitter.com/tPsHMShujB— Jim'll Paint It (@Jimllpaintit) June 16, 2014
J.J. Abrams to do Breaking Bad and Sopranos reboots after Star Wars. He'll then redesign the Taj Mahal and invent new methods of oral sex.— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) June 20, 2014
"I like Journey." "Son, you are grounded! Take these Beatles records and these drugs in there with you and think about what you've said."— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) June 21, 2014
And there you have it! We here at the Ugly Couchcast hope you all have an awesome week! And to get it started in the right direction, here's Christopher Walken dancing to a Fatboy Slim song.
All the best,
Derek and Bosco