Oh, sure, I could have gone the lazy route and just thrown in a bunch of my own tweets that I thought were funny. But I love you guys too much to subject you to that sort of silliness. (Besides, I'm pretty sure all of you follow me on Facebook anyway, so the odds are you already saw that stuff because I tend to cross-post a lot. That's not lazy; that's smart brand promotion. There's no such thing as bad publicity!)
Anyway, whatever the reason I do this (because I love you guys...Don't you ever listen to me?), it's time to get on with it because I have some editing to do for a podcast I hope to have up tonight.
As usual, let me suggest that you come on over to Twitter and join so you can find even more (and possibly better) funny all your own. Then you can start your own blog and use it to show just how out of touch with modern humor I am! You get to show your creativity, more Twitter people get attention they deserve, and I get some bonus promotion for myself! Everybody wins!
And on that note, let's do this!
don't bring a knife to a gun fight. also don't bring: blankets, toffee crisps, a DVD boxset of Frasier, milk, your uncle or tent pegs
— thomas f (@tomtommotmot) June 1, 2014
Facebook Translation: Brenda: "Jesus is my savior and I know I'm perfect in his eyes" Translation: "I am literally covered in semen rn"
— Lorenzo Jorts (@Sickayduh) June 1, 2014
How much of an asshole do you have to be for the NRA to tell you to quit swinging your gun around? Answer: Infinity. An infinity asshole.
— Thanks4 Sharing Jerk (@Thx4SharingJerk) June 2, 2014
They say that opposites attract so I know there's a woman without erectile dysfunction out there waiting for me somewhere.
— Brian (@Black__Elvis) June 4, 2014
It goes Satan, Hitler, the 9/11 guys, and people who pronounce it "Chipoltay."
— kyla (@whatkylasaid) March 4, 2013
"How much for the chirping, tattooed, discarded foreskin?" "Sir, that's Adam Levine." "I must have him!"
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) June 5, 2014
WHY THE FUCK ARE ALL THESE BOYS IN MY YARD?? *sips milkshake*
— dawn (@Dawn_M_) May 22, 2014
"Do you honor your competitors coupons?" I ask as I hand the pizza guy a coupon good for 'One Free Hug' given to me by my mom when I was 10.
— It's Stephanie (@Snarfernini) June 6, 2014
My problem is, I'm about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
— Remember Baker (@ForcedHands) June 2, 2014
Their love was forbidden! pic.twitter.com/7IZix4T5vIAnd there you have it! Good stuff, as always.
— Sabrina Snow Witch (@introvertedwife) June 6, 2014
Now, before I go, let me just throw this one last little tidbit at you: As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I'm no fan of Miley Cyrus. I didn't like her when she was "sweet, homegrown Disney girl Hannah Montana", and I don't like her now as "filthy, slutty, drugged-up coke whore Miley". When I first saw the video for "Wrecking Ball" (my first time hearing the song because I wanted to see what the big deal was), I came to two conclusions. Allow me, if I may, to share them with you.
- The more she shows of her body, the less I want to see the rest of it. She has no ass. She needs to accept it and move on with her life. That MTV thing was sad, more than anything. Put pants on, girl and try to regain a little dignity.
- The song itself really isn't that bad. Don't get me wrong, seeing her "perform" it makes me want to punch a wall. But the song itself, which I heard dozens of times on the radio at work after seeing the video, really isn't that bad. It's her. She's dreadful. Don't believe me? Check this out:
Surprised? I'm not. I made the same decision about Britney Spears when I heard Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa's cover of one of her songs.
So, the next time you hear some shitty bubblegum pop song from a former Disney skank, sit down and actually listen to it. Then find a better band that took the time to record a superior version and enjoy the heck out of it.
Have a great week!
All the best,
Derek and Bosco