Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

It's been another "meh" week in the real world, folks. However, the funny people at Twitter have come through like champs and provided me with loads of laughs over the past seven days, which made it way hard to pick the ones to share.

And that's why I've managed to wrangle Tonya Mehler to be my assistant in choosing this week's top ten. She carefully went through the vast number of re-tweets I did last week and helped me hone it down to a solid ten that I think will make you guys giggle.

Before I get into that, though, I wanted to remind everybody that next weekend is our live show, Sausagefest 2: Electric Boogaloo! If you're going to be in the Port Huron, Michigan area, come on out and have a blast with us!

And so, with only the smallest amount of ado possible, and in no particular order...

Just listened to audio of Floyd Mayweather trying to read, I'd think I'd be more comfortable listening to audio of my parents fucking.

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) August 22, 2014

Not to be racist but all white people look the same to me. pic.twitter.com/7s8FxGiJkH

— Ernest Luckman Esq. (@ErnieLies) August 21, 2014

I occasionally worry that I'm turning into my mother, but then I remember I gained control of my shapeshifting abilities during puberty.

— Abby Normal (@MrsTomServo) August 18, 2014

If the bald eagle sees his shadow on the 4th of July, there's six more weeks of America.

— michael (@michaeljhudson) June 28, 2013

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

— Touchwood Tinder (@Chumpstring) November 16, 2013

Decisions... pic.twitter.com/WsQ7oRpVII

— Mark Holland (@RiffRaff41) August 18, 2014

I tried to make a deal w the devil this morning, but he reminded me that I already sold my soul to him 3 yrs ago for a bacon-egg McMuffin.

— Jimboswelt (@JIMBOSWELT) August 4, 2014

Opened a package of Velveeta Shells & Cheese and Val Kilmer crashed through my wall like the fucking Kool-Aid Man.

— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) August 22, 2014

I just ate from an unmarked tupperware at the back of the fridge. I think it was chicken yogurt?

— Addy Gibbs (@Addy_Gibbs) August 20, 2014

Nine months ago I tried an Axe body spray sample and now I have eight newborns from different women.

— Joyful Multitudes (@Multitudes8) August 23, 2014

And there you have it! We both hope everyone has a great week. To help you along, please enjoy this 8-bit rendition  of The Big Lebowski.

All the best,
Derek, Tonya and Bosco