Ten Funny Tweets Derek Re-Tweeted Last Week

Well, it's Sunday again, kids. So it's time to throw a whole bunch of Twitter funny in your faces! Oh, sure, you could go and find some yourself (something that I would highly recommend), but until then, I'm happy to provide you with a few amusing examples that have made it onto my own timeline.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that it is also SHARK WEEK! With that in mind, why not listen to the podcast I did with Jake and Larry about Sharknado 2? Or, if you wish to hear about other big-mouthed creatures, there always our Year One podcast. (It stars Jack Black...Ya see, he's a monster with a large mouth, too, and he chews scenery like the sharks in Sharknado chew on people...See? I knew where I was headed with that.)

Anyway, let's get on with the madness that is Twitter, shall we? In no particular order...

Stood up too quick when I got off the couch and fell into a devastating cycle of depression and addiction that is tearing my family apart.

— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) August 4, 2014

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he's in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) August 2, 2014

My 13 y.o. had to fill out a school career survey. His primary goals were "to get a girlfriend & thwart all those that oppose him" #HERO

— Man-sized Thumbs (@mansizedthumbs) August 4, 2014

i like to slowly slide this under the divider if somebody is in the toilet cubicle next to me pic.twitter.com/16aJY0ic2D

— Andy Pandy (@_Pandy) August 6, 2014

Jehovah's Witnesses now referring people to a website. They do know the computer was invented by a gay athiest who committed suicide, right?

— Lawrence Congdon (@LC_Sun) August 6, 2014

Cop: Ma'am, I'm sorry. There's no easy way to say this. Lady: Oh my god. What is it? Cop: Toy boat toy boat toy boat toy boat.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) August 7, 2014

Kristin Stewart is what happens when Rogue from X-Men touches the Mona Lisa.

— PaperWash© (@PaperWash) August 3, 2014

Dating Tip: If her name has a "y" where an "i" should be or an "i" where a "y" should be she's down for butt stuff & puts ketchup on steak.

— James (@JaySaysStuff) July 21, 2014

I had a plate of vegetarian appetizers at an art show and now my farts sound like the sax solo from Careless Whisper

— El Jefe (@Sickayduh) May 19, 2014

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn't have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

— Beau Hartenstine (@madcaplaughs30) November 15, 2013

And there you have it! Have yourself a great week! And to set you on your way, here is my absolute favorite campaign commercial ever. (It's from the 2010 Tennessee governor's race.) Enjoy Basil Marceaux!

In the immortal words of Tracy Morgan: "Live every week like it's Shark Week."

All the best,
Derek and Bosco