Oh, and we're also on the verge of World War III. (And nobody's going to like it. Everyone knows that the third part of a trilogy is always the shittiest one.)
Seriously...What the hell, man?
It's because of weeks like this that I am thankful for all the fine, funny folks at Twitter. No matter how horrible a day I've had, I know I can fire up Twitter and find literally hundreds of tweets from people who will make me laugh so hard that it seems like the world isn't slowly collapsing in on itself and taking all of us with it. And I love 'em all for it.
So! Let's all have a look at some of the funniest tweets I found this week, shall we? Here we go, in no particular order...
I finish up at the dentist's office, wipe the semen off my chin & promise to floss more but we both know I'm not going to.— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 31, 2014
Oh my goodness, my pet duck is taking selfies and making white girl whore faces.— Coach (@jumpdashark) August 31, 2014
I just found out today: The little clothes that they sell for Ken dolls fit perfectly on my penis. It looks SO cute in a little blazer.— Elroy Fudge (@ElroyFudge) August 29, 2013
Guy Fieri's restaurant takes reservations... in the form of the best Eddie Van Halen guitar solo you can sing with your mouth.— Jason Gore (@sonicdork) August 26, 2014
I have been growing a beard for 6 months and no one has hired me to wear a suit and be the hipster face of crap beer commercials.— JD McIntyre (@JDMcIntyre) September 2, 2014
Vichyssoise is great for anyone who's ever thought, "Boy, I could really go for a tall, cold glass of potatoes right about now."— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) September 3, 2014
I do so many kegels I think my vagina could win some hot dog eating contests.— Toots MaGoots (@MrsJekyllsHyde) February 5, 2014
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it's acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.— Joel Jeffrey (@joeljeffrey) February 27, 2014
Ironman: Does anyone have the time Thor: Yes, Sir Stark, I do IM: And Thor: IT'S HAMMER TIME! IM:... Captain America: I get that reference!— The Experiment (@XGibbons) September 5, 2014
I just tried to plug my phone charger into my sunglasses. My Mom says I'm pretty.— Mistress Jedi (@JediGigi) August 29, 2014
And there you have it! Pretty awesome, huh? And let's hope that this week goes better than last week. To help that along, let me introduce you to the hilarious and talented Ali Spagnola. She writes funny songs and is generally awesome. In this clip, she and her band covered Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" and made a great music video for it. Enjoy!
Have a great week!
All the best,
Derek and Bosco